"if that is supposed to encourage me to want to spend time with you"...

[chasingautumn]

I told DH that I was lonely and bored.

Barely see him all week. We've moved abroad and I can't drive and I am trying to meet people but it's SO isolating, he works long hours and I don't have anyone to leave the DCs with for an evening class or whatever and even if I did I am so knackered all the time. This week he's been out almost every evening - often with one of the DCs, but one night out with work friends and didn't come back til 1am despite me asking him to come back early as DD fell and I was concerned we might need to go to the out of hours equivalent.

So I feel neglected and irritable and it's especially bad now of course as I find having the DCs around 24/7 in the holidays much harder than I should. They only just went to bed and I asked if DH wanted to watch a tv show with me and he said no he was going to be in the kitchen on his computer and I huffed and he said "what's wrong now", and I said I was lonely and bored and he said the above.

I said I wasn't interested in begging him to be around and if he didn't want to spend time with me that was fine.

Horrible horrible I made the mistake of my life coming here I really did.

Thankyou all SO MUCH. My misery is self-reinforcing, isn't it. H's attitude is a problem but so is mine.

Yeah, but your attitude would be vastly improved if he could be seen to be on your side and helping you settle. Not buggering off out because "you'd only have ruined the day by being miserable." I'm still staggered by that.

Well done, CA.

Sorry I didnt' mean to sound convinced. I was just reporting what happened to me. And the big fat clue was in the uninvested...

Even before he found OW he had autumn's H attitude. He looked until he found someone stupid enough to agree to his agenda (this is all about ME)

Oh clam don't think I am excusing H at all. He is being awful. It is no fucking wonder I am so miserable. But if he's not going to help me I have to help myself rather than wallow, don't I. TBH, I could not have believed he'd do something like that before this.

Abit I really appreciate you sharing your story. Looking at the culture H is immersing himself in (the work culture I mean), and the way he's treating me which I really could not ever have thought of him, I can totally see how it's a short step from being uninvested in me to looking for someone who'll give him what he wants. Whatever that is.

Really glad you feel better and have taken some steps to improving things. It is easy to get into a downward spiral.

Can you pay to open an HSBC account (or whatever works) and get a standing order for a certain amount transferred across from the bank account that your DH's salary is paid into every month? Would save him the trouble of getting cash out all the time

Made me laugh - chasing, your problem is being left in the house and with the dc all day every day, so on the one day you could go out as a family....he takes the dc out (leaving you in the house all day) because you were asleep!

Does he not see the stupidity here?

I'm glad you are a bit more positive today but i still think he couldbe doing more - it's not all up to you. He's got a nice life there, you are entitled to one too.

You've made some great strides since starting this thread CA.

I'm very relieved you weren't offended by my earlier suggestion and that you understood the rationale behind it. Tbh, I've rarely come across anyone in this situation for whom the possibility of an affair had never even entered their heads and it's obvious you're an intelligent woman with all her wits about her.

The bike sounds like a brilliant idea. Great fun and good exercise all in one. I also think it will serve another much-needed purpose. It will surprise your H and help him to realise that he doesn't know everything there is to know about you and that you are still your own person with the capacity to do something extraordinary every now and then.

Get the bank account stuff sorted asap though, because what ever happens that needs to change and you need more independent access to funds.

If it were me, I'd need to get to the bottom of why my partner was behaving this unkindly towards me though, so I'd have to thrash it out and ask him to reverse the situation, asking him how he'd feel if he was the non-driving SAHP with no local contacts and no finances of his own - how would he expect you to behave as his partner? I think given the circumstances you've outlined, I'd also be quite vigilant to other changes in behaviour and unanticipated time out of the house.

Does he not see the stupidity here?

Cap'n Mummy it's worse than that. They KNOW what they are doing. My H didn't want us to be a family. He wanted me to vanish in a puff of dust (except when my housekeeping/nannying skills were required). He didn't want to be married, pay me attention or respect. Remember the parallel delusion, 'I didn't leave the children, just you'.

We are the ones who don't believe it, who overlook the hostility.

so on the one day you could go out as a family....he takes the dc out (leaving you in the house all day)

I can promise you was deliberate. Read Lundy Bancroft.

Good on you for getting the bike organised. I do think you need to sit down with him and ask him what planet he was on when he thought it would be a reasonable idea to vanish off with the kids for the day without talking about it first.
And that you will either be learning to drive or using cabs to get around.
Are you capable of getting employment on your visa? Where does the train go between where you live and the city? You said it was the slow service so I take it, it does make other stops?

I'm in a similar situations 2 you. But, my dh is British as I am, and we moved 2 Oz 6 months ago. I am not liking it. 4 the 1st few months I didn't have a car, but then I bought one, and Oz was my oyster. So much easier 2 get around. My dh 2 does not understand how I feel, but he has never gone out with our dc without saying where he was going, and just leaving me.
It is bloody hard making friends. I have joined a playgroup, swimming group, go 2 Zumba classes, but still not made any friends. I feel like giving up 2. I really miss my family back home, and my friends. This is my dh's dream, not mine, and that's probably half the problem. And he does make everything difficult 4 me, and easy 4 himself. We have no joint bank account, but he gives me an 'allowance' 4 housekeeping money. It's never enough. Although complains about it, but never complains about his spending money on nites out, or going 2 rugby games
I'm heading back in the summer 4 a month or so, 4 a view 2 not coming back 2 Oz.
Sorry about my rant, but I know how it feels, and it's shit!!!!

Oh well done OP!!!

That sounds really promising

If you are with HSBC in the UK then you can withdraw from any of their banks (and possibly their affiliated banks) in your country with no charges.

The bike is a great idea!

I still agree your DH is being a twat about all this, but like I said, get your own house in order first and then you will be better able to call him on his behaviour.

Onward and upward!!!

I have some good news and again it's all thanks to you guys - frida your comment about where the train stops got me thinking and it turns out that a suburb further away from the city, two districts along (so the 'wrong' way on the train), has a cycling club with regular group rides including for juniors. Now, neither me nor the DCs were big cyclists in the UK - I haven't ridden a bike since I was a kid - but it would be so good if we could do that together. The DCs could meet people too.

The next general meeting isn't for almost a month as I just missed one so I have emailed them saying I am interested in joining (so I can't wuss out), and have some time to practise and look out for cheap bikes for the DCs too.

Something I found out on the cycling forum though (on a post about whether it was possible to commute to the city from the other suburb), is that the area adjacent to ours is considered very dangerous. I feel I chose badly coming to this area but I researched loads and it wasn't mentioned anywhere

I don't know what to do about DH.... my instinct was to share all this immediately, I would 'normally' do that, I tell him everything - or did. But now I am thinking (Charbon, thanks to your post), perhaps I could - should - just get on with it quietly. I think if H was sneery or negative about this (and he might be, make fun of me as I am rubbish at cycling etc and very unsporty), I would lose enthusiasm totally and it all seems very fragile atm.

I don't know what to do about the bank account - it seems impossible to open one in my own right here. My UK account isn't with a bank which offers an international service iyswim - so stupid of me. I can't see DH being galvinised into action on this issue either. I am going to do some more research.

Every time I get excited I remember Saturday. Jesus. I think the best way to approach it is to mentally prepare for leaving and make the most of the 'time I have left' here and maybe things will improve and I won't need to leave? Maybe? I don't know.

I have been feeling resentful, like why should I have to jolly myself along with no positivity from H - will he think that these things I am doing are for his benefit? I want to feel better and do more but if he says "it's much better now you are making an effort" (he talks a lot about my not making an effort), I would want to punch him I think!

Longdistance your post really resonates with me! We are all british too. I don't blame you at all for heading back to the UK and might well be doing the same. I wish I could get my head around what I need to do if I do... have nowhere to live etc.

I feel worse about DH now, crosser, but I think that I can channel it more productively... I hope so. The DCs are back soon and things always seem to nosedive then

dreaming crosspost, thankyou! Not with HSBC unfortunately and don't think I can open a UK HSBC account from here... I will think about solutions.

Longdistance can I ask, how does your DH feel about your maybe going home? Is he just going to sit back and watch you leave?!

Chasing-I'm the least sportiest person you will meet but I love cycling. Back in the UK it was my only form of transportation, along with buses and walking and I loved it. I hardly use it at all now we are in the states, keep on meaning to try and find a back way to get into our local town but I am so lazy, it's always easier to jump in the car

OP -- if you are in the US (sounds like it) then do take warnings about dangerous neighbourhoods with a grain of salt. Yes, there are a lot of very dodgy places, even dodgier than the UK because people are more likely to be armed. At the same time, I spent most of my life in US neighbourhoods that were widely considered dangerous, and it was fine. At the risk of massively generalising, people in the suburbs tend to have very low tolerances of dodginess. So be careful but don't freak out basically

I know what you mean about feeling resentful, at the same time expat life does require more effort at first. Eventually you will feel more settled and life wont' seem so difficult.

Tbh it sounds to me like you dropped into this life without knowing exactly how much effort would be required, and accidentally set yourself up in ways that would be very isolating. This happens to SO many people. Just try to keep up that energy and try to find solutions. It WILL get better.

Why do you say things nosedive when the DC come home?

How do they feel about being there?

DCs are doing well - younger two love it, older one is having a harder time but not a hard time iyswim.

But there's three of them and I find it harder than I should, doing homework/arbitrating arguments/doing food/bath and bed - I always end up behind and stressed and snappy, which is part of why I starting having a glass of wine...

We did so much research, honestly. But it was supposed to be us! DH's working hours are nominally different (earlier starts, earlier finishes), we were going to spend more time together as a family and be outdoors and be a team. And DH has developed this whole other life here for himself and I have no opportunity to do the same - I will start making opportunities, but I feel really... abandoned by DH really.

Oh gosh, that must be so hard.

I didn't mean to sound overly critical, you can do all the research in the world and it still can't really prepare you for what will happen, especially if things like working conditions change.

Your DH is being incredibly selfish. I'm sure he's frustrated but at the same time he doesn't seem to acknowledge the conditions you are having to deal with, and the idea that he can veto your spending habits is just so, so wrong.

I think all you can do at this point is to keep up the positive momentum, and when things are a bit better confront DH about his lack of support.

Don't give him a chance to say 'if you would only make an effort', be able to say: Hey, look at this huge effort I've made, yes things are better but there are still problems (eg driving) and I'm feeling like I'm all on my own here.

Have you posted in Living Overseas? There may be MNers in your area!

Fantastic news about the bike op! I have explored all my surrounding suburbs (on the train/foot, we can't afford a car here yet) and found all sorts - have tried out different yoga/pilates classes & gyms/playparks with DS & picked up 3 friends along the way. Just keep putting yourself out there, can you get to the city for even a coffee or a browse in the library or something? It's so important to get out of the house. I find more flyers for groups/activities etc dotted around the place compared to on the internet here.

I can relate to a lot of what you're experiencing, including the nightly wine which I nipped in the bud. My DH's hours are also ridiculous, out at 07:20 - home between 7 & 9 (unpredictable) so I do some exercise classes at 06:15am or 8:30 pm (which takes REAL effort) but make me feel so much more positive.

Have you phoned your DH's bank & utility providers to see about getting your name on? We have a joint account ( I'm not allowed to work on my visa but have applied for perm residency) & my name is on the utility bills so I can build a credit rating & have ID to join libraries, clubs etc. Even though I am a sponsored spouse with no right to work, this was set up without probs ( and obviously DH pays!)

We also did loads of research but neither of us were happy in our first (very lovely) suburb so we moved area after 6m....expensive but absolutely worth it, shorter commute for DH & far more going on/within reach for me & DS.

I think Charbon puts it really well, about you sorting yourself out & becoming an intriguing creature of mystery to your DH again....absolutely I think you should focus on yourself, making yourself feel good & happy on a day to day basis & then when you're feeling more confident & in control again you'll be in a better place to make decisions about your future/relationship.

longdistance - sorry to see you're having a rough time...where in Oz are you?

Your dh sounds horrible chasing. Particularly the bit about taking your dcs out and leaving you at home. Hope things work out for you.

You sound ace, chasing! I like you :)

I don't like your DH. He is deliberately isolating you. That's cruel & contemptuous, as he's demonstrated by his replies to you. So I'm supporting all the advice you have taken - and your initiatives on top of that! You're de-isolating yourself rather brilliantly now: just get on with it, build a good life for your self for however long you stay, and don't tell him!

No, that won't build trust & companionship between you but what the fuck are you supposed to do with a husband who doesn't want to spend time with you and won't allow you to be independently mobile? Sure, he'll notice eventually - and might even decide to pull his finger out - but I say that's no longer an issue. Get sparkling

I second inviting neighbours round. I always do it when I arrive - just a handful of people for coffee & cake. Also, you'll be getting new friends very soon, hurrah!

Fix yourself up a little business, selling something British that they find charming or unusual, and you're away! I'd love to see you finding yourself with too many options after having too few.

Keep posting, please :)

I'm so pleased to read about the inroads you've made. I support your instincts to keep this back before your husband gets to rain on your parade and I share your pessimism that he would do just that .

I also agree you've been abandoned by him. I've got no doubt though that when you were doing all your research, he was in a different place then. I think if there had been any hint of what was to come, you would never have gone through with it. I think what you've been describing all along is that he has changed beyond recognition.

The thing is, weak characters do get influenced by the company they keep. I just can't imagine that your husband was always this belittling, distant, cruel and unempathetic. So I really sympathise because it sounds like you feel as though a stranger has invaded his body and whereas once there would have been kindness and concern for your welfare, now there is none.

It's also completely understandable that since all the mundane stuff is your domain, whereas your husband is able to pop the kids in the car for fun days-out, it's getting you down. It sounds like he is doing the Disney dad routine and none of the tough stuff, like homework monitoring and refereeing endless squabbles. He gets to take one child out at a time too, whereas those opportunities sound limited for you.

I do hope that some of these fun activities you've got planned will involve you on your own and will necessitate your husband having to do some of the stuff that is getting you down.

Chasingautumn you must be living a very very hard life. You must feel completely disempowered. What's more it seems the environment you are living in is adding to this, not enabling you to address the power imbalance going on.

But I think you need to start at home. OK you've chosen a dodgy place to live, and DH is in a dodgy job with dodgy blokes. But it's your life and you can do what needs to be done.

Go cycling. As much as possible, get out there. If it becomes 'dangerous' because of the area you are in, then insist you move - but don't stop the cycling. Insist on full access to his bank account. I really can't believe that your name can't be on it. If it really is impossible, insist that he transfers money to a credit card in your name. Being dependent on cash is absurd, and risky.

Find as many local community groups as possible and get involved. Get a routine in the local shops, so you have people to say hello to regularly (small but very important).

And last but of MOST importance, is DCs. My heart sank when you said that when they come home things go 'downhill'. You must get on top of this, these are your DCs, they need you and want the best for you, so get them on side. Be their friends and allies, if you can't do them all at once, then one at a time. Keep up the bonding with them as much as you possibly can. I sense that you feel distanced from them and that is very sad. However it is reversible - play with them, spend time just sitting with them and be their best friend. Sod the homework and the washing up. They need you, not staff.

And if it still doesn't work, pick up the kids and get a one way ticket back home. You will get support - we have social housing and benefits to take care of that. You should never be made to feel that you can't leave.

I have to second that if you are in the US or similar, just because some places are described as dodgy, doesn't mean they are really unsafe.
I lived in Chicago for a while, on my first day at work a friend dropped me off and asked if I had Mace. I worked at the University of Illinois at Chicago, lots of my colleagues wouldn't walk between the two sites, I did and it really wasn't a problem (it might have been different after dark).
You just have to be careful, and aware.