"if that is supposed to encourage me to want to spend time with you"...

[chasingautumn]

I told DH that I was lonely and bored.

Barely see him all week. We've moved abroad and I can't drive and I am trying to meet people but it's SO isolating, he works long hours and I don't have anyone to leave the DCs with for an evening class or whatever and even if I did I am so knackered all the time. This week he's been out almost every evening - often with one of the DCs, but one night out with work friends and didn't come back til 1am despite me asking him to come back early as DD fell and I was concerned we might need to go to the out of hours equivalent.

So I feel neglected and irritable and it's especially bad now of course as I find having the DCs around 24/7 in the holidays much harder than I should. They only just went to bed and I asked if DH wanted to watch a tv show with me and he said no he was going to be in the kitchen on his computer and I huffed and he said "what's wrong now", and I said I was lonely and bored and he said the above.

I said I wasn't interested in begging him to be around and if he didn't want to spend time with me that was fine.

Horrible horrible I made the mistake of my life coming here I really did.

Thinking about it, you probably can't work if you don't have a work permit. I wouldn't scupper my own career sitting around facilitating his nice new life (and whoever said he's vulnerable for an affair was right, doesn't mean he'll have one, just means this is a set of circumstances in which there's a danger in the marriage, which you need to move away from and make it more solid). Can you do voluntary work? Do a long-distance course? Exercise is a great idea, and I'm sorry your family weren't more enthusiastic about church as they are usually very welcoming to new members, go yourself.

Wow, Charbon, you are describing my sich. 6 years ago.

And I was SO BLIND

Hi guys.

Sorry it's been so long; I kept waiting until I had something concrete to update with, and nothing concrete happened really. The good things had downsides and vice versa.

GOOD THINGS: I have an account! Opened one with citibank - £8pcm but that's less than I was losing in transaction fees and it feels good to have an account which is nominally international. DH is also putting me down as an 'additonal cardholder' on his cc - doesn't give me a credit record but is something. So that's good.

My parents have offered to pay half of the costs of my learning to drive! They said I could redeem it here or back in the UK (I said I was thinking of coming back). The issue is really owning/running/leasing a car here and the paperwork so I need to find out if, if I got my license in the UK (if I could even do that using my parents address or whatever...), I could port it over here easily. Would that even be a good idea, driving here having learnt back home? Dunno. The fact my parents specifically offered that is quite significant though I think.

I have told people (my parents, DH, mentioned to the DCs), that we are coming back for up to a month in summer. DCs all enthusiastic - I need to work out the logistics. Dh knows it is 'with a view to staying if things don't improve' but I think he thinks I am bluffing. TBH I don't want to talk that aspect up too much in case he feels threatened wrt the DCs.

BAD THING: things with DH and I were rubbing along alright over the course of the week but this weekend has been shit again in the same ways. Like groundhog day in fact. This morning (sunday), I woke up to an empty house AGAIN. I tried to call but DH had left his mobile at home 'by accident' (maybe a genuine accident, dunno). I went out by myself, having left a note, which is progress at least. Still got back before them - they had gone into the city. I was 'fast asleep' and DH 'tried to wake you but you just grunted'.

Thing is, he has a point - I take pills to help me sleep and my sleep patterns have been awful lately with all the misery etc, but everyone knows (have been taking these pills for a long time), that I CAN and DO get up, just need to be poked a bit. Back home the DCs would all pile on the bed and wake me up like that.

I just... it's early evening here but I don't know what to do about it. He said when I got upset "don't you ever get off the sofa, don't you ever think 'maybe I should get up and do things myself?'" because I had asked eldest DC to empty the dishwasher

I am going to make a nice dinner for everyone and listen to the DCs whitter on about their day and... don't know what, then. There is no joy in trying to build a life here, and I am beginning to suspect there could be, if things were different.

Good to hear from you, I was wondering where you had got to. This all sounds a little too much like you're sleeping with the enemy. There seems to be a menacing threat going on in the background behind what you say. You sound very vulnerable. I do think playing it safe is a good idea, continue as you are and then make damn sure you come back 'for a month' with all dcs. Get the tickets asap. I have a sneaking feeling he will try and keep one with him.

There is little trust in this relationship - it must change as it really isn't healthy for the dcs.

Thanks for the reply and for thinking of me this week.

I don't feel very vulnerable, is the funny thing. Far less so than when I started this thread. The way I see it, two things are going on: there's being in this country, and there's DH's attitude to me/our marriage.

I am increasingly thinking that living here and our relationship can't co-exist. But I am here until July, so I can make the most of that and ensure the DCs have a good time. And when I have more going on for ME here, I can make a clear-headed decision about what I do about DH.

Please don't worry about the DCs, they are doing fabulously. They would want to stay, given the choice, but I shan't be going anywhere without them.

Chasing I can't believe he did it to you again! Did you talk to him after the last time? Words fail me on that anyway.
As for learning to drive, I don't know where you are but when we moved to NJ, my husband was first of all driving on an international licence (but I'm not sure you can get one of those before you've been driving for a year) then he got his NJ licence by doing the road knowledge test. They could have made him do the full NJ test but they very rarely do.
I had tried to learn to drive in the UK but it was actually a lot easier to do over here, both to learn and pass the test.
Oh and the dishwasher comment was out of order, everyone who lives in the same house should chip in to keep things ticking over. You are not a maid servant for the four males you live with.
What did you get up to while they were out?

I'm really pleased that you now have access to money. That must be making you feel a lot less vulnerable.

About the driving - I don't know how hard it would be to switch between countries as a new driver - but maybe one thing to think about is the relative ease of the test in the two countries? I failed in the UK, but later took the US test when I moved here and it was unbelievably easy compared to the UK one.

But it still comes back to the fact that your DH is still excluding you from family time and being hypercritical of you - and in that respect it sounds like the start of every affair thread I've ever read on here. I think you are very wise to begin thinking about ways to protect yourself if things go wrong. I hope you can do some nice things for yourself in the meantime.

Hi,

You sound like you are dealing with this so well under the circumstances.

I just can't understand your husbands behaviour towards you. He must know that you don't have any friends yet,it's a new place and your on your own a lot when the kids are at school. I don't understand why he doesn't even want to spend weekends with you. He doesn't seem to be doing anything to make this transition easier for you. The money thing isn't right either,it's a bit controlling really .

I can't imagine how difficult it's is but you seem a nice lady, head screwed on and bright. Are you in Europe or is it further afield?

There must be a reason he is acting this way with you. It could be another woman who he likes, maybe it's just that it's a new life, so it's the attitude I m okay don't care what your upto. He's not being nice at all.

I would probably be thinking of going home unless he makes drastic changes. It might be tough but at least you will have familiar faces around you like your parents and friends.

Big hugs to you

frida I know! I was... well, it was awful. My heart was in my stomach when I was wandering around the house looking for them, I cried a bit when I rang DH and heard his phone ringing in the kitchen I read him the riot act after last time which makes me wonder if doing it again was him making some sort of point.

DS1 often does the dishwasher - they all have 'tasks', like DS2 lays the table etc, so it wasn't an unusual request. I think DH just wanted an excuse to have a go at me for being lazy. While they were out I cycled(!) down to the nearest park - in the drizzle, but it was okay! - there are cycle paths there, it's where the cycle club I think I mentioned sometimes goes so I thought I'd have a turn myself. There weren't many people out but it felt good to be one of them even though I got absolutely soaked.

About the driving (Fair, yes, exactly!) - it is easier to pass here, but if I am seriously considering moving home then it might be a waste to learn here and then move back. I would need to take the full UK test anyway (and would already have spent my parents' money iyswim). I need to do more research.

Rachy thankyou for your post! It means such a lot to have people to talk to, thankyou so much.

I agree this ticks all the boxes for 'affair'. I think this is totally how affairs start. The men he works with (and we have rowed about their attitude to women/their wives this weekend too), and this... disdain of me, it is creating that environment, the stage where they are giving themselves permission to look elsewhere?

I 'recognise' it too! From here! But there's this disconnect. Sitting here, thinking clearly and typing, I can see it, I recognise it. But I am having such a hard time relating it to the man I married. And it's not like all our time together is awful - much of the time he's the same DH I love and had children with and still do completely adore. But there's something new.

He can't be so weak that a change of country would change his personality, surely?

I don't know... it's hard. My gut is telling me to stay and carve a life here which might be the beginning of a more independant me. But then there are days like today when I just think, well, do I want this? Even if we went home, would things be normal again now I know he can do this?

I was wondering if he might have some awful stress issue today. Like perhaps he feels guilty and is struggling with the move and seeing me struggle makes him feel worse? But then he was so horrible to me and I thought I should stop making excuses for him. Gah.

Thankyou so much for listening to me, guys, and for your thoughts and suggestions.

If he is struggling, then he should talk about it. Looking for reasons to attack you is really not a good sign.
As for the learning to drive, look around and weigh up the costs. I know if I ever end up back in the UK, I will have to have a few lessons and then take the UK test, which will be pricey.
Well done for going out on the bike, I always found cycling in the rain invigorating and a great way to burn off frustration.
Any chance he would consider marriage counselling? It can be very helpful for self absorbed husbands to hear it like it is from another person.

Wow! Left you twice! I really can't understand that. he must know it's wrong. and it's deliberate. There's always the next train isn't there?

What about the dc? A precedent has been set now so do you think they think it's ok? Make sure they know you are upset and they need to pile on and wake you next time dad says let's leave mum and go. Not your respnsibility and he is a jerk, but you don't want this happening again.

Chasing you sound so independant and up-beat already. your DH may be stressed because of new job etc. which might be what's causing him to act different. although his behaviour is unpleasant maybe you could try to keep his mind on you, Sort of like reminding him about you two as a couple together being the important part of HIS life, not him being there do as he pleases. i'm not sure if this makes sense but basically trying to get him look forward to coming home. once you've got the normal him back give him a good bollocking about how he's behaved and tell him that was his only chance.

(frida* Yeah, if he's struggling he needs to own it and accept it and we can work on it together. It would be ironic if it was that, because god knows I'm struggling and would rather be working on it together I am too pissed off with him to want to hand-hold at the moment tbh though! And it all begs the question of what is in it for him. We have had hard times before and, tbh, he's never been stunningly emotionally supportive. But he's never dealt with stress or upset like this before either.

I suck at cycling and there's the constant possibility of being flattened (still not very road-wise though I am not doing anything wrong per se - I hope!), but it's nice to be doing SOMETHING. I was saying 'fuck you DH' into the rain the whole time, which was therapeutic

Marriage counselling... I don't know. He would say no I am almost sure, and if he said yes we're back to money/childcare etc. He doesn't like talking about his feelings

Sweet yeah it is too suspect - leaving his phone, especially. Deliberate meanness is not his style but I would put money on it being on the more conscious end of subconscious. I didn't want to upset the DCs but no way is the weekend turning into 'Dad and the DCs go and do fun stuff without boring old Miserable Mum'! I told DH, with a smile and humour but in front of the DCs, to at least wake me up next time. I have also told the DCs that even if I grumble I really do love being piled on in the mornings and they must keep doing it :)

youve the really gutting thing is that the worse it gets, the less I want to sort of make a 'happy home' for him to come back to, because he doesn't fucking deserve it! Then I think maybe that's part of his weird (subconscious I think), MO at the moment - creating this atmosphere so he has permission to stay out drinking all week and ditch me on the weekends.

I have decided to be RELENTLESSLY CHEERFUL this coming week. Perky and upbeat. Part of it is 'fake it til you make it' but part of it is to make sure there are no fucking excuses.

good idea. Really some men can be a bit childish sometimes so behave in stupid, seemingly thoughtless ways. Tell your kids you're really looking forward to enjoy family time with them. So they are allowed to make as much noise as possible to try and wake you next time there's an outing and you're relly looking forward to it .

Okay two practical things: cycling, try making yourself ridiculously visible, lots of fluorescent clothes, and good lights of you are out anything like dark/ twilights/rain etc.

For driving, when I lived in IL you had to pass a test within 90 months of moving to the state. However the other factor was the lessons there were far more expensive than the UK.

Autumn, the mistake I made was let it slide. My H treated me THE EXACT way your H is treating you. The mistake I made was to pretend it wasn't happening.

It is very hard to explain to you the split in his head right now. The going out without you? 100% deliberate, a considered decision. You need to find a support group.

I woulnd't take pills to sleep IIWY. Really. Messing with brain chemistry should only be done under medical supervision, because sleep and depression and the neurochemicals involved are closely entwined.

You need to learn to drive. Really, you do.

Can you wake up in the mornings with a loud alarm clock? If you can, can you buy one, then make a big thing on weekend evenings about checking "what time we're going out tomorrow so I can set my alarm and be sure to be up in time"? Also, would you be able to reduce the dose of the medication you are on at the weekends, just so you can wake up easier, or is that not possible?

Well done with the cycling, and the shopping trip was inspired!

You need to learn to drive, because it is an essential life skill. You have lots of time during the day to do this, and no excuse.

Your H is being an ass, but ultimately, it is your responsibility to construct your new life. Give it a year, but do your best during that time to have a life where you have moved. If at the end of the year you are still miserable, move back.

Meanwhile, find activities and meet people. Start running. Volunteer. Find a part-time job. Half your sleeping pill, then stop it altogether.

Also, tell your children that you you would like to have breakfast with them (and go out together, obviously) so they should wake you up by jumping on you on the weekend.

Oh! You are me!

I moved to DH's home country two months ago and things have been pretty tough since then. We had a minor argument two weeks ago and he refused to speak to me at all for a week, then on Sunday he tells me we need to talk. Apparently I am 'openly hostile, continuously negative and rude, not making an effort' and so on. He has 'bent over backwards' to make me welcome but I am upsetting him by not making any friends. Is it because I am not likeable, he wonders? Or because I am not making the effort? He decides it is because I am so negative. He feels he cannot keep 'nannying' me - even though he is at work at least 7-8 and by the time he comes home DS is asleep and I am knackered with living in a 50degree war-zone. He wants me to understand his home country but 'cannot stomach my constant questions. Why do you want to know everything? Why?' I joked that his perfect wife is tranquil, self-contained, needs absolutely nothing apart from a jolly good rogering once in a while. He said 'yes, exactly! If you understand, why can't you just shut up and be like that??'

I feel your pain. It is especially hard when you make a sacrifice / put yourself on hold for your DH and far from being grateful they tell you that nothing you do will ever be enough.

Sorry 90 months should have been 90 days!

I joked that his perfect wife is tranquil, self-contained, needs absolutely nothing apart from a jolly good rogering once in a while. He said 'yes, exactly! If you understand, why can't you just shut up and be like that??'

Zorra, when a man tells you who he is, you would do well to believe him.

He means this shit. If his image of the perfect wife is not who you want to be, then you are going to have to change either your own aspirations, or your choice of partner.

HotDAMN - I know. Now I just need to work out what to do next.

Not wishing to downplay the fact your DH is being a dick, I think it also sounds like he is finding it hard to adjust and feels under pressure from work and the expectations from his colleagues. I don't think it sounds like he's having an affair. It is very sad that this has been your joint dream since pre-DC (I think I read that?) and yet it is coming between you. If he said he wanted to come for a better family life, there's no reason to assume he actually meant he wanted to spent every night in the pub with his boss. Apart from the way he is acting of course!

I agree that in your situation learning to drive needs to be your priority (and I don't drive, so no pro-driving bias!). I'd make the most of all those unlikely things you perhaps never thought you'd do, like going to church, joining a local women's group, whatever. You came across the world to have new experiences, after all.

What is it they say? 'Fake it until you make it'