"if that is supposed to encourage me to want to spend time with you"...

[chasingautumn]

I told DH that I was lonely and bored.

Barely see him all week. We've moved abroad and I can't drive and I am trying to meet people but it's SO isolating, he works long hours and I don't have anyone to leave the DCs with for an evening class or whatever and even if I did I am so knackered all the time. This week he's been out almost every evening - often with one of the DCs, but one night out with work friends and didn't come back til 1am despite me asking him to come back early as DD fell and I was concerned we might need to go to the out of hours equivalent.

So I feel neglected and irritable and it's especially bad now of course as I find having the DCs around 24/7 in the holidays much harder than I should. They only just went to bed and I asked if DH wanted to watch a tv show with me and he said no he was going to be in the kitchen on his computer and I huffed and he said "what's wrong now", and I said I was lonely and bored and he said the above.

I said I wasn't interested in begging him to be around and if he didn't want to spend time with me that was fine.

Horrible horrible I made the mistake of my life coming here I really did.

Most expat kids go to private schools (there is a british school), ours go to (excellent), state school which is another reason we chose this specific area outside the city.

Go home
You are miserable and your DH is doing nothing to help, It is massively disrespectful for him to go out without you this morning.

Perhaps you will be happier and your DH more appreciative with a bit of distance

You poor love! I've experienced similar.

what your H needs to understand is that the sucess of a posting largely depends on the happiness of the family unit.
As such, it's failing. Your life is dreadfully isolated.

He needs to commit to either getting home on a certain day(s) at a certain time so you can go and so something, and/or research babysitters for the above activity, and ideally you go out with him. A date.

My ex made my life a misery, but that was as much hime reverting to type and following the cultural stereotype laid down by generations of tossers before him.

I'd say to him that he has to do this for you, and you and he would agree to improve, or you WILL gohome

I know it sounds pathetic but I really do hit a mental wall when I imagine going home without H. We rented in the UK - I'm not sure where we'd go, we did live in London but I couldn't afford to go back to the same area (schools/friends), so - we'd have to live with my parents? Then what? It would be so disruptive for the DCs on top of the move out here though of course that's not insurmoutable.

But I think that if I said to DH I was going back, he wouldn't believe me. He would probably prefer to come back with us but his career would be in total tatters.

Thankyou for saying he needs to do something to help though. I have been feeling like such a killjoy. All the things which looked great on paper have come to bugger all and it's so distressing

He does need to help and he is not being reasonable. This is not teamwork on his part. You are giving a lot and he isn't.

Can you go home at least for a long weekend or something, at least to give him the fright that you may go for good, or show him what it would be like without you?
I am expecting you to say money is too tight, but presumably he is spending money on going out in the evenings? Use some of what would otherwise be his going-out money.

I have decided just now that I am going to go home with the DCs for summer if things don't pick up. Already considered and decided against because of the olympics but it's a good aim.

Or I could say I am going home for summer unless things pick up which would leave him having to sort childcare for DCs? prob an empty threat though much more affordable - I could pay my own airfare home but not me and DCs'.

Say you are definitely going and you are thinking about taking the DCs. Then start saving or squirrelling money away so you have a better chance of taking them if you want to. Are they junior school age or older?

They are 10, 7 and 5. I think saying I am def. going and am considering taking the DCs is a good plan. Thankyou.

He has deigned to sit with me tonight. Lucky me.

Have you met all his new colleagues OP?

My spidey senses are tingling here a bit because he seems very cold and distant and seems to take any opportunity not to be at home right now. He also seems to be putting the blame on to you for that and he doesn't appear to have any empathy for your loneliness and isolation.

Is there any chance that he has formed an attachment to one of his new female colleagues and is making you out to be the bad guy so that he can feel better about what he's doing?

He doesn't want you ruining his happy life by daring to find moving away and starting afresh hard. If he cant accept his priorities as they should be, remove yourself from the equation and see if that reminds him. If not then more fool him.

Charbon he has no female colleagues but I know that many MANY of his workmates have wife and DCs installed 'elsewhere' (further away than we are), and a 'flat in the city' and regular affairs. They also make 2 or 3 times what he does but the fact that that setup is so accepted (expected), really bothers me. In his industry that does happen (again in the upper echelons), but I would NEVER EVER have thought that of DH and we've sort of made faces at it, together, you know. But now I am bothered because we don't feel solid anymore.

I don't know if I could go back to the UK and leave the DCs, even tempoarily... (DH would never do something like get my visa revoked and keep them but then again you hear about DH's doing things they'd 'never do' a lot), but the threat of it and the practical effort DH would have to make re: childcare etc if I did might galvinise him a bit.

I just wish he wanted me to be happy though instead of being 'disappointed with me' that I'm not, if you see what I mean?

OP, how old are your dcs? Are they school age, if so how about volunteering at the school?

Not sure where you live, but I volunteer at dd1's school & also at a local tourist history hot spot 2 Sundays a month.

The two of those are keeping me sane (sahm to 2 dds 3 & 8) & helping me meet people.

This sounds utterly miserable for you.

I wonder though how happy your DH is too -why is he making so much less money than his colleagues and your expat package sounds pretty low. I know money isn't everything but when its stop you learning to drive etc - well I'd be pretty pissed off too.

Perhaps your DH is also thinking you've all made the wrong decision going there and he's trying to bury those feelings and so gets snappy with you when you raise those concerns??

He needs to stop being so horrible to you though and you need to start having some big conversations about the move.

How long are/were you planning on staying?

You MUST learn to drive. You must get the paperwork. You must do the booking. You must find the money. Find some courses to sign up to as well.

I am looking at myself 6 years ago. I wasted a hell of a lot of time. Don't make the same mistake.

You have one life to live, and that is not through your H. Remember: God helps those who help themselves.

Whatever you do don't leave the country without the DCs. He could make it look like child abandonment and you might never get them back.

What was your life like before the move?

Could you not do gym/classes/ driving lessons at the weekend when he's not working?

Regardless of the overseas dimension your relationship sounds very one sided. It's all in his favour and not yours. Not good.

Think about this.

If you go home, if he 'has to' come back, and it leaves his career in tatters, then YOU hold more power than you realise.

TELL him how unhappy you are. TELL him unless he pulls his finger out to support YOUR happiness in this posting that you WILL be going home, with the DC.

Tell him that he has a choice, allow his wife the space and resources to live, or lose his family.

Yes, it's THAT important. He needs to take you seriously.

I can't tell you the number of times I'd be begging my X to take a look at my life, day in, day out of never leaving the house, no contact with the outside world, and ask him to see how ANYONE would be anything less than abjectly miserable. Also ask him how HE'D feel swapping your life with his for a few days.

Be strong. There's a chance he's just not thinking. Or he could have got you right where he wants you, dependant and vulnerable either way the status quo will destroy your spirit. Something HAS to change.

This is outrageous! Your dh is behaving appallingly.

Our best friends emigrated (to the US) a few years back and it was a commonly-held view amongst ex-pats they met (although they mainly 'cultivated' locals) that "if Momma ain't happy, then no one is." It was therefore the DH's primary concern (and that of his company, if relevant) to make sure his wife was helped to fully integrate in the local community. In some cases I've heard of, the wife was informally interviewed (sometimes by the MD's wife) prior to the job being offered to see if she was fully on board with the decision to move, as it might otherwise be an expensive mistake for the company to invest in.

You not being able to drive (particularly if, say, you're in the US, where it's practically mandatory!) is a big issue, but it sounds as if you're not able to do much about that at the moment. It is in your husband's interests to help you out here (and him buggering off with all the kids on a Saturday without you was a vile and shabby thing to do!) because his dreams of a new life abroad with his family is going to be in tatters if you up sticks and go home with them.

I hope you can get over this. I think it's totally understandable that you're feeling miserable, but him getting cross and impatient with you is the worst thing to do. Stop blaming yourself, acknowledge your misery to him and ask him to man up help you out here - for the sake of the whole family.

Have you been to his workplace and actually met his colleagues OP? This is really important.

If you haven't, I suggest you do and soon. I think it will give you a different perspective to this problem, from all sorts of angles i.e. how he responds to that request, the atmosphere you detect there, the reactions of his colleagues towards you, the sense you get of the company's organisational culture (it sounds misogynist.)

I think it would be a most unusual workplace not to employ any women at all.

Thanks for the responses.

It's not an expat package, it's a 'local hire' equivalent - same company but different office, if that makes sense? DH and I (it was a shared dream, I'm sure it was, since almost day one of our relationship), always hoped to relocate here 'one day' though had hoped it would be with younger DCs.

He's not making loads less than his colleagues, just the ones who keep a flat in the city!

I have met his colleagues, it's a small office in a big building - just six of them, all men. When we came out for DH's interviews - I came too, to meet people and look at areas - his colleagues took us out, it was great fun but it was just the two of us. Stupid of me. Their wives are not around. I was 'one of the boys' when we were out - DH's future boss 'hilariously' ordered me a quadruple vodka and tonic, I thought it was friendly joshing(!) so stupid. And of course this is the world DH spends his evenings in.

There was a lot of talk about company bbqs and get-togethers, which DH reminds me of when I complain (I do complain), about him being out so much - that he needs to make friends with his colleagues and in the wider context (his company are part of a larger company). Apparently by summer it will be get-togethers all around.

The problem with the DCs school is that they are bussed there. I could get there under my own steam but it would take over an hour, or I could get a cab. I have asked about being involved as a classroom helper and there is a system in place but I need to be checked (like CRB check but specific to this country and district), and of course that's a huge palava and I don't even have half the paperwork I'd need to submit yet.

In the UK things were different, of course. I didn't go out much even then but I could've, and I had local friends and people to say hi to (DCs friends' parents etc), took the kids swimming, we were five minutes away from the high street and cinema. I saw my friends regularly but more importantly they were just a facebook message or a sms away and I didn't realise how helpful that was.

DH had a lot of activities even then, often with the DCs which is the case here too but it feels different. For example, he and DS1 both do a martial art. In the UK they went to the local sports hall (5/10 min walk), on a Tuesday and Thursday evening to train and we'd have a pizza or something else quick when they got back (younger DCs in bed). I could do stuff easily 'for me' in the daytimes - see a friend for lunch, go swimming.

I think I could be helping myself more. I have been SO miserable it's sort of fed into a feeling of hopelessness. I also feel guilty that the DCs seem not to have made local friends yet. Again apparently everything is different in summer (very cold here atm). I could INSIST on us all going into the city on the weekend and doing something together - I think I will - and I could get a cab to the nearest gym once a week and hang the expense.

I do talk to DH about how I am feeling - I try to be more constructive than I was in my OP - but he gets irritated with me.

Any decent company employing foreign/expat workers know that unless the entire family is supported, the placement will fail. That costs everyone time and money.

Your H has to WANT to do things with the family, having this erratic lifestyle is all well and good, but what about his responsibilities as a father? He is FAILING his family atm.

This was a family dream, and for you and to an extent, for the kids it is going to become a nightmare, unless he pulls his finger out.

I say work out what you want to say, get cross, let the anger out (perhaps here, not to him directly at this time) When you have vented, sit him down and constructively, coolly and calmly explain the facts of life to him.

Tell him your life is empty, that this was NOT your idea of how it was supposed to be. Tell him that he is NOT pitching in enough, that there is NOTHING of any real value for you to do, and that he is out all hours having a wail of a time and you are sitting around waiting for him. For now.

Don't go at this from a Poor Me angle, go at this from a You need to get home and be involved in your family, before we all give you up and go HOME angle

Is there anyway YOU could host the other workers wives/families for a meal/do or something? could YOU make that invitation to get to know THEM? You never know you may meet a kindred spirit.

I think perhaps both you and your DH need to work on things a bit.

I definitely think he's being unreasonable and unfair in not doing more to help you through this. He's basically telling you that he doesn't want to spend time with you until you cheer up, rather than doing anything constructive to help you feel better. That's just lazy and selfish on his part.

But, as an expat myself, I think maybe you are being a bit defeatist. Your DC are at school all day, right? What's stopping you from going into the city? If your DH can commute by train, it can't be so far that you can't go in and spend some time doing things while your DC are at school. Perhaps there is a course you could take or someplace to volunteer or even work.

If you are sitting at home all day by yourself in the suburbs of course you are going to be miserable.

Your DH needs to be more supportive for sure, but I think you should make more of an effort before giving up.

dreaming that's DH's position too - that I should get the train into the city.

The DCs are collected at 8.30. If I left immediately for the train, the earliest one I could get (they are irregular off-peak), is 9.45am - I know 'cause I've done it. Then 50 minutes into the city as only the stopping service runs, so I arrive at just gone half ten. I need to be home for 2pm. There is no time to do anything substantial. I will need to do things in the local area.

(I do look for things which run between 10.30 and 12.30 and will go if I find something - in the holidays I can take the DCs into the city which is much better).

Their wives are not around.

Can you explain this a bit more? Do you mean that none of his 5 colleagues or his boss lives on a day-to-day basis with their wives and families? Are these the people who have flats and are having affairs?

It sounds like your husband has 'gone native' but that's got nothing to do with the country you're in or a foreign culture. It sounds like he has embraced the culture of a group of men who sound like complete wankers. I can just imagine the pressure he's under to conform - and if he's a weak man who won't stand up for his beliefs, then he'll buckle. He sounds resentful of you - and quite contemptuous actually.

I agree that you'd be better off carving out your own life and getting out and about. It sounds like you're hibernating a bit and that could lead to depression. I think your husband is taking you for granted and has for some reason characterised you as a bit pathetic and clingy. As you've said, if the situation were reversed you would have empathy with his position. He doesn't seem to have that for you, so all you can do is to dissemble this caricature he has of you. I don't think any of that is going to solve the problems in your relationship, but I do think it will help you feel better about yourself.

Ok -- so the city is out.

That still leaves you about 5 hours a day on your own. Can you go to the gym during the day? Is there anything local? Can you cycle anywhere interesting? Would you be interested in doing an online course? Is there online work you could do? (transcribing, editing)

I am hugely sympathetic btw, I just know from experience that sometimes you have to kick your own ass into gear for your own good.