"if that is supposed to encourage me to want to spend time with you"...

[chasingautumn]

I told DH that I was lonely and bored.

Barely see him all week. We've moved abroad and I can't drive and I am trying to meet people but it's SO isolating, he works long hours and I don't have anyone to leave the DCs with for an evening class or whatever and even if I did I am so knackered all the time. This week he's been out almost every evening - often with one of the DCs, but one night out with work friends and didn't come back til 1am despite me asking him to come back early as DD fell and I was concerned we might need to go to the out of hours equivalent.

So I feel neglected and irritable and it's especially bad now of course as I find having the DCs around 24/7 in the holidays much harder than I should. They only just went to bed and I asked if DH wanted to watch a tv show with me and he said no he was going to be in the kitchen on his computer and I huffed and he said "what's wrong now", and I said I was lonely and bored and he said the above.

I said I wasn't interested in begging him to be around and if he didn't want to spend time with me that was fine.

Horrible horrible I made the mistake of my life coming here I really did.

I feel sorry for you - your DH is actually being a complete cock.
So you're having a hard time - this is often the case when you are uprooted to a different country and left isolated at home, even when you do drive, it's not easy because you don't know anyone to go and see, and you don't immediately know where to go or anything (exploring can be bloody boring after a while).

You don't say where you are but you're obviously in the southern hemisphere somewhere.

DH moved us all out to Australia 2 1/2y ago, it's his home country and it was part of the "deal" of us getting married and having DS etc. I knew it had to happen but it's still been a tough ride; and I'm still not 100% ok with it all the time. Mostly I am - but there are days when I just wish I was back in my old house in the UK, doing my old job etc. etc.
I know logically that we're better off here but that doesn't always help - and I have made local friends. But they're still not as close as the ones I had back home in the UK - we're getting there but I don't think I could just turn up on their doorstep if I were in trouble. like I could have done in the UK.

You do need to find something for yourself to do in the day, preferably locally - what about buying a dog so you have to take it out for walks? Anything really, just to get you out and about - it's too easy to stay indoors and mope, and while I think your DH is being completely unsupportive and selfish, it IS going to be up to you to get yourself out of this swamp of misery that you're in just now because he's obviously not going to help you :(

Good luck (and if you do happen to be in Australia, let us know which bit - there are others of us around :) )

Chabron Of his 5 colleagues, 1 is divorced with his ex and DCs living in an entirely different city a flight away, he is 'dating'. 2 are in relationships with women who work in the same industry, no DCs. 2 have wives and DCs way out of the city and keep flats in the city.

you and dreaming are right, I need to pull my finger out. I have to 'justify' expenses but fuck that, I need to do something. I've been waiting to be able to learn to drive but needs must. I am going to call a cab firm and cost up a trip to a gym and collection from there back home, and however much swimming or whatever (I think maybe a class would be better so I can speak to adults), would be too. There's a yoga studio but the classes are either v early morning or mid-evening; I can ask DH to be back in time for me to go to one of the evening classes though and in fact I think I will.

There is literally nothing 'local'. Shops and 'destinations' are in sort of blocks away from the houses and there's some sort of good/bad area thing which people who live here seem to just know about naturally (like you 'just don't go' into the next district, literally a wrong side of the tracks thing!) - we chose a good house in the right area for the school we liked but I get the feeling that our road isn't well thought of, it's just so bizarre. Also incredibly segregated racially which really surprised me.

The area is lovely half the year - parks, loads of stuff for kids. Everyone keeps telling me to wait for summer but I can't wait anymore.

Sounds like a plan!

Don't worry about the money right now -- you need to feel better. A few taxi fares a week will still be cheaper than moving back home!

A dog is a great idea.

Depending on where you live, you may be able to get a little moped without needing a license or lessons or anything.

He has said:

• 'no point' in paying for taxis if I am going to learn to drive

yet

• 'no point' my learning to drive here if I am going home.

But it's not his money is it? Why are you asking him for permission to get taxis?

You just say that you have registered his opinion, but you will do what you think best.

He's doing nothing to compromise here is he and it sounds like he is urging you to leave the country.

This is what I meant earlier when I said that carving out a life for yourself is evidently what you need to do if you're going to stay in this marriage and stay in that country, but none of that solves the problem in your relationship.

I'm afraid my spidey senses are even more finely attuned now. There is a reason he is this uninvested in your happiness.

Okay -- some seriously circular logic going on here. Try to talk to him again:

You need to start, first of all, with the assumption that you are not going home. You are going to stay and try to improve the situation. This is not to say you can never go home, but that is not the plan at the moment.

You have realised that the number one thing that would improve things would be better mobility. So either you do whatever you need to do so that you can learn to drive ASAP, or you spring for taxis a couple times a week.

If he can spend X on going out with work colleagues socialising, then surely you can spend X on taxis for your going out time.

If he cannot go along with this logic, and is so controlling with money that you cannot spend what you like (do you have your own access to funds?) then you have a serious problem.

But try to talk to him again first. Why is he so resistant? Does he think you should just 'snap out of it'?

Agree with DB above that if he can spend money on socialising then you can spend it on driving lessons - even if that means cutting back on the socialising. Highly unfair that he seems to block you spending money on anything yet complains that you're unhappy.

I also have a bad feeling about this.

OP, I would still try going into the city maybe once a week by train too. Even 2 hours there is better than nothing, and is a change of scene.

By 'a bad feeling' etc, do you think he is trying to get rid of me? Of us?

Why are you asking permission? Just do what you need to.

God you could be me 6 years ago! i was in a similar position but DH was in his home country and was pig ignorant about what I was going through.

I stuck it a year and then said that I was taking the DD and going home with or without him...he came with.

It is AWFUL I know...I couldn't drive, there was nobody on the streets where we lived as everyone drove...some of the wives of his friends made an effort but it was always me relying ono them for lifts and they weren't MY friends really.

I hated it. He's not making any effort for you is he? Is it hs home country?

Well on a practical level my choices for cash are to ask DH or to take it out of my UK account with the exchange charges. Don't have an account over here yet (DH does).

Go out and open an account! Now! Today...why havent you done that yet?

I can't. To open an account with a bank here I need an income, utility bills, proof of residence etc. Have you ever tried to open a basic bank account in the UK? It's worse than that!

I will need to get a joint account with DH - I quite like having my UK finances seperate and clear, apart from the exchange charges. Maybe that's unhealthy, keeping links which aren't there etc.

Do you have any neighbours? Why not knock on a couple of local doors and ask some ladies in for a morning coffee? At least these people will be local. Who knows one may have a car and give you a lift to go shopping or into town occasionally?

You could reciprocate by making them a cake?

If that's true then I can't understand why you didn't open up a joint account immediately so that you can have access to funds without relying on your husband. That's a very poor dynamic and power-enactment.

It's not just logistics though is it? Your husband's responses tonight demonstrate who has the power in this relationship. He vetoed your expenditure.

My 'bad feeling' is that he is seeing someone else and this has led to him thinking he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. He is making no efforts at all to see life through your lens and he is critical and distant. Add a new job, a new lifestyle and jack-the-lad colleagues into the mix and it seems obvious.

There might be 5 colleagues in that office, but it's a big building and a big company and it would seem extremely unlikely he hasn't met new women either through his new job or on one of his nights out with men who would be the last to point out that he has a wife and children.

Well I don't think it's helpful to suggest the OP's DH is being unfaithful...there's no suggestion of that....an office with men who aren't from the UK might suggest different behaviour than that which a brit is used to....I DO think though, that you've alowed yourself to become very isolated OP...do you not have a bike?

Can you look to the local churches for things to do? Libary?

I also think that you need to speak very seriousy to your DH...you should not be asking for money...you need access to it and also to transport.

I think it's a bit quick to be suggesting that the OP's husband is unfaithful too. When I say 'I have a bad feeling' I mean that he has clearly started seeing the two of you as being 'on different sides' as opposed to a team. Hence his refusing you any help or the things that you need to improve your life there. He is aligning himself with his new colleagues. That doesn't mean he is necessarily unfaithful at this point, but if that is their lifestyle it doesn't bode well further down the line.

OP, you need to insist on the joint bank account and at least some money to spend on things that will allow you to integrate better in the country. Plus you must find a way to get yourself out of the house. He knows he can keep you there at the moment and it's very disempowering. Could you go into the city in an evening after he gets home, and go and see a film or something? Is he getting home before the kids' bedtime mostly, or not?

"There is a reason he is this uninvested in your happiness."

Yup. Autumn, you are living my life 6 years ago. My H was as neglectful and subliminally hostile and as uncaring as this. I remember trying to open a bank account, only to be told that I 'need a pay slip' and my husband's permission!

I am warning you, he wants you out of the way. As 'you' are the problem in his mind, then 'you' going means: no problem! Yes they are that primitive nothing gets thought through. You are getting in the way of NEW. New job, new country, new life, new woman. Sorry.

If you can't get a job or education in this country, then you need to go back home and leave him with his 'new'. Get some training, and get a job.

You are isolated and getting more and more depressed.

Wtf? wobbly you can't say that with such conviction! My DH was neglectful of me when we moved abroad and he certainy did NOT want a new woman and a new life. We're fine. We came home together when it was obvious that we weren't working out abroad.

Even if you start learning to drive straightaway, it's going to take a while before you pass your test. So, is your h saying that you can't get any taxis in the meantime? Crazy.

I still can't get over the fact that, after you being alone all day during the week whilst he's at work and the kids are at school, he went out ALL DAY on Saturday with them and left you behind! Forget the bullshit excuses about you being asleep, that indicates a rather unpleasant person to me, sorry.

Yes, I think we should steer clear of apocalyptic assumptions.

OP the exchange charges are not the end of the world, especially if it's just for a little while. Again, if you can afford for your DH to go out socialising, you can afford the few extra quid it will cost to use your UK account.

You could also use paypal to transfer money from your UK account to your husband's US account, which he could then take out for you, although there is still a small fee for that.

You should shop around for banks -- they will have different requirements. You already have utility bills and proof of residence, right? And proof of money in the UK which you will transfer over? Your bank in the UK might even have an arrangement with local banks that will help.

You have landed yourself in a bad setup: in the suburbs with no transport and no money. You need to fix this right now!

Your DH is not being very supportive at all, but you need to be more positive and proactive. There are solutions to all your problems! I know it's hard, believe me, but you can do this. Get yourself sorted, get your mood lifted, and then address your DH's attitude.

chasingautumn how long have you been overseas? When you made the move did you really feel like you were in this adventure together or were there problems in your relationship before which are now being magnified?
I do think your DH is behaving horribly towards you....best case scenario is that he feels like he's giving it his all to support his family & that you are raining on his parade....not that I am excusing him at all. I would repeat what others have said & urge you firstly, not to leave the country without your children (in case of worst case scenario)...not sure where you are or how long you have been there but there will be legal implications depending on where you are, visa conditions, length of stay/intended length of stay etc etc.
I agree with the other posters that you need to improve your situation - you mentioned an early morning yoga class? Go for it! Having some "me time" & exercised induced endorphins can only help improve your self esteem. Your DH's money is also family money & everybody else is getting the benefit of activities so stop asking for his permission & tell him what your plans are....if he is just reacting negatively to your unhappiness through fear of having to pack it all in then he should be pleased to see you making an effort to improve things.
You really do have my sympathies...I moved to Australia 10 months ago as a trailling spouse & it's not always been plain sailing, far from it. Waves to thumb. Any other MNetters around??

how are you doing now, lovely?

I guess it would help to know where the OP is, for better directed advice, but she doesn't seem to want to say.

OP - do you have the ability to work yourself? even if it's only a small part time job that brings in some money, so you could open your own bank account?

Today I found a cheap, rubbish (but very cheap!) bike, in the city, on craigslist! There's something I can do in the 'time in the city' window and I am collecting it tomorrow!

I am going to bike around - nobody seems to, but that doesn't mean I can't and it will help with my road sense too (if I don't get flattened!)

I feel SO much more positive today. I have also decided to stop drinking - I've been having a good couple of glasses of wine a night out of sheer misery and that's the wrong reason to drink. Also how am I going to learn to cope with this if I use it as a crutch?

The bank account thing is just ridiculous and upsetting - I'm not on the utility bills no! Because DH is the person with the visa, we're 'just' dependants. Anyway, what we SAID we were going to do is pay for an account with HSBC which would allow us to use it for DH's salary etc. Then his work said they'd set it up with citibank so we went for it. Then they set it up with another, country-specific bank and just in his name. Our fault. I thought it would be easier to sort bank accounts etc out over here but quite the opposite. Still, can't dwell on that.

DH seems deliberately obtuse about it - he'll give me cash, I can use my UK account (albeit with charges), what's the problem? Drives me mad.

I couldn't get to the early yoga classes as they are before the DCs go off to school BUT I called them(!!!! progress!), and they have a taster session at noon on Thursdays and seems very nice.

I don't think he is seeing someone else BUT our relationship is clearly in a bad place and I can see how it could happen, given the lack of respect he's demonstrating. I can see how that headspace could occur.

Him going off with the DCs on Saturday was the worst I have felt yet, but I want it to remain that way and not sink lower.