"if that is supposed to encourage me to want to spend time with you"...

[chasingautumn]

I told DH that I was lonely and bored.

Barely see him all week. We've moved abroad and I can't drive and I am trying to meet people but it's SO isolating, he works long hours and I don't have anyone to leave the DCs with for an evening class or whatever and even if I did I am so knackered all the time. This week he's been out almost every evening - often with one of the DCs, but one night out with work friends and didn't come back til 1am despite me asking him to come back early as DD fell and I was concerned we might need to go to the out of hours equivalent.

So I feel neglected and irritable and it's especially bad now of course as I find having the DCs around 24/7 in the holidays much harder than I should. They only just went to bed and I asked if DH wanted to watch a tv show with me and he said no he was going to be in the kitchen on his computer and I huffed and he said "what's wrong now", and I said I was lonely and bored and he said the above.

I said I wasn't interested in begging him to be around and if he didn't want to spend time with me that was fine.

Horrible horrible I made the mistake of my life coming here I really did.

Chasing, good on yer! Well done about the cycling. To all the other ex-pats, yes it is lonely, isn't it? But once you make that ONE friend, things open.

Don't laugh, Chasing, but how about going to church? If you are in the US, nearly 80% of people go to church. Look around, go to a few, explain to the pastor that you are new to the area and they will reach out to you.

Doing ANYTHING is a start...

And I really know what this is like, knowing that your H is not on your side and in fact is quietly hostile.

I am afraid that I think Charbon has her finger on it...

Regarding moving around in a dodgy neighbourhood, as long as you are dressed quietly and don't flash gold diamonds and fancy watches around, nobody will even look at you.

I have lived in several dodgy places, and generally look poorer than the inhabitants, and might as well be invisible ... touch wood!

I've been thinking some more about the banking thing. We live in France at the mo, where DH has an account and I don't. I still use my UK card but whenever that isn't practical, DH has no problem giving me his debit card, I know his PIN.

Maybe you can't get an account or even get properly put on his, but that doesn't mean you can't just use his card surely?

If you still want to keep finances separate, then use paypal to transfer X pounds into his US account every month, with the understanding you can use his bank card for that amount.

Would he go for that?

Somehow you need to find a way to make these things practical problems with practical solutions, and try to take some of the emotion out of it. If he won't cooperate with that, you'll need to knock some sense into him. Point out all the ways in which the things you want to do would benefit everybody.

Hi guys

I have the bike! Getting it home was a bit of a nightmare but I have it and it's here. Will have a wobble round tomorrow

Church is a good idea - I suggested it a while back actually but the DCs were predictably negative about it and DH said no way. I could go on my own perhaps - loathe to give up what 'family time' we have but I guess DH shows no such compunction!

jif I am sorry if I gave the impression I was being hard or negative around the DCs. I don't feel distanced from them at all, it's just hard and a bit relentless. They are great and doing well. I am not the world's best at doing it all on my own I'm afraid but we're close and happy as a unit. I have three noisy boys though and it can get wearing! The weather is also pretty bad here - cold and sleet at the moment!

Unfortunately there ARE no local shops - ridiculous I know - now I have my bike I can explore more and get to the various little enclaves which have businesses!

Charbon and others seem to have an insight into DH which is a shock to me (though of course I wouldn't've married a man like he's acting now!). Last night he got home really late again. I asked him again about banking - he maintains that things are 'alright' now and it's 'hassle' to change things, especially as 'you're threatening to leave'. Sigh. He would probably let me use his card yes but that sort of rankles as I am used to having things in my own name! I really can't see what the problem with the joint account can possibly be other than it being 'effort'. I am going to ask him tonight if we can go together to a branch of the bank, maybe he would meet me for a lunch in my 'city window' and we could do it. Bet he says no though

Ah well, onwards and upwards, I have my bike and a plan!

OK, this is an appalling situation. I am so sorry for you OP - I have moved overseas and know some of what it is like - but I can't imagine how awful it is if you don't have a job to meet people through.

One thing I have learned is that in this kind of situation you have to grab every single social opportunity going. 90% of them won't pan out, but the 10% that do will give you a huge boost and you can start to build on them. So the bike thing is brilliant. Are there other sports clubs you can take the kids to where you might meet other parents? Is there a library nearby? They might have book clubs and other events.

If I were in your position I would do absolutely everything mentioned on this thread and see what sticks - get the ball rolling on volunteering in school, throw a BBQ for the neighbours, find a church (some will have mid-week services if you don't want to eat into the weekends). I think the idea of getting a dog is brilliant - it would give you some company in the day, training it would give you something to do and you would def. meet people out walking it (exercise will make you feel better) and at the dog park. Have a look at Meetup and see if there are any groups you are interested in - or start one yourself!

I don't need to tell you, however, that the #1 problem here is your husband. I would make access to a bank account and learning to drive non-negotiable, and if he tried to throw obstacles in my way I would want to know why we weren't a team anymore, and why he was trying to sabotage me integrating into this new life.

Maybe use your Bike to explore local churches, if it is anywhere like the US, lots have them have lots going on during the week, and maybe even a full-time staff, so you might be able to just pop in.

I'm pleased about the bike.

Oh well done! I bet the bike will make such a difference.

I agree with Fair on the non-negotiable part.

Your DH's attitude on the banking thing is just weird. I think you should call the bank yourself and find out exactly what you would have to do to get on it. That way you can say very specifically, let's go to the bank at X time on Y day, all we have to do is ABC.

If he still says no then ask him why he has some kind of psychological issue with you having access to his account, because clearly there are no practical objections.

In the meantime, definitely use his card then.

If you are interesting in church things, there are probably things during the week, during the day. I think it's a great way to meet people and volunteer!

Yes, I would expect churches to have coffee mornings and things. The one near us has ladies' afternoon, local history club etc.

Completely agree with Fair on the banking and driving. If he says anything again about you 'threatening to leave', I would be tempted to say 'Hmm, it almost feels like you actually want that to happen'. Otherwise why isn't he trying to reassure you? You are doing very well given the total lack of support.

Can you find something for you to do as a family on the weekend, too, so that your husband can't pull the going out without you stunt again?

Here is the obvious response to the banking situation. If, just IF, anything were to happen to your "D"H - serious incapacitating accident, death - you would be stuck. Yes you have your UK account but it doesn't sound like you have that much in there - so you need to be able to access his account as well, and if the worst were to happen and he died then you wouldn't be able to because you are not on his account and it would be frozen.

I put all this to DH when he was being arsey about it as well and he capitulated - I am now joint holder on his account. I don't bother with it because I also have a separate savings account that he puts money into monthly and because I have one of his credit cards - but I now have the security of knowing that if he did have a fatal accident, I wouldn't be high and dry and they wouldn't be able to freeze his account.

Talking of which - I cannot open a current (cheque) account here because I have no income - but I was able to open a savings account, and as mentioned, DH transfers money into it monthly for me (just so he doesn't keep track of everything I spend on myself, DS or him). You could probably open a savings account easily enough and then make him transfer money into it.

TBH though his whole attitude stinks - "I'm not doing X because you're threatening to leave" - what, is he daring you into it? Is that what he wants? You need to pick him up on this shit when he says it and force him out into the open with his insinuations, I'm afraid, or you're going to be left with nagging doubts about his actual intentions and thoughts.

What do you mean he's said no to banking - seriously? You have no account? Wtaf????

I do feel for you, he's being a complete arse and I can also see huge warning signs here. You need to have a serious conversation, not one where you moan or complain ( though god knows you have every right to) but where you remind him if your joint goal with this move and how he's got what he wanted but that this is not working for you. I wouldn't threaten to leave (just yet) explain that you want it to work, but that he HAS to help you.

Good luck

Agree with Thumb.
You need to pick him up on his comments 'I am not going to do X because you are threatening to leave'.
I would really out to him that this is one of the things that make your life diificult and that on your pov, if he doesn't help you re bank account, then you will end up wanting to go back home.
I am aware it is a difficult thing to do because you take the risk that he will say 'Well actually I would rather you go back home with the dcs' but you can't leave him play that sort of mind game with you.

I wish I could advise you more, but was wondering, are there any lifestyle forums for the country you are in. eg if you are in the states something like dollar stretcher. If you rummage around on those sorts of boards you may find links/forums/ideas about exactly what you need to open your own account/get put on your husband's account. After all, just because husband says something doesn't mean he has got it right. There may also be the local equivalent of credit unions etc, which are easier to access and which money can be paid into.

Church is really a good idea. I bet husband starts complaining about family time then, but this is about you surviving, not about you being mildly interested in stained glass and the coffee morning rota.

Wishing you luck, and impressed that you got the bike!

The more I read the more I see that he has you trapped where he wants you

I'm hopefully projecting. If he says no to you any more OP, then you need to stop threatening to leave, and just DO it.

Come home, bring the kids and let him see what his bully boy tactics do.

He is being arsy about the account, because he doesn't want her to see what he is spending his $ on. On all his late nights.

My H got himself a credit card and statements sent online to his work computer.... which I had no access to. It was amazing how many times it 'got cloned' even though I have never had that happen. (I eventually put it into the microwave)

I am afraid Autumn needs to brace herself for the possibility of OW. When they think they have found 'the answer' and that you are 'the problem', they rapidly cease to have any empathy for you. The more she starts living life for herself, the better.

I'm intending to put a lot of my new resolve and your fantastic advice forward this weekend. I have planned an activity for tomorrow (and told the DCs it's happening to forestall being left behind again ), and there are going to be a lot of conversations with DH. I feel better in myself now I've made the commitment not to drink alone in the evenings.

I've been thinking a lot today, probably because it's almost the weekend, about my realistic options.

The problem with leaving is that DH knows it's unlikely I would. We rented in the UK and I couldn't return to the same area if H stayed here (as he is the sole earner i couldn't afford that rent even with benefits). There's no reciprocal maintenance arrangements between the countries too so he wouldn't have to pay anything.

(I don't think he'd abandon the DCs or stay without his family but I would never have thought him capable of his recent behaviour either so I have to think along those lines iyswim).

So if I wait til the relationship breaks down - and I hope things get better and that stops being something I need to consider but as things stand now - who knows, perhaps there will be an OW or more and thus an excuse for him to stay and not support them.

So I think I need to act decisively, if I'm going to seriously consider going home with the DCs. I need to lay it on the line and H needs to realise this is IT. He is a devoted dad still so being separated from the DCs would outweigh his career move etc - I hope. I hope he loves us enough to want us to be together and happy.

I don't know if that makes any sense - typing in fits and starts around DC and dinner. Had a good go on my bike! Got yelled at by some motorists - I think there's etiquette I'm getting wrong!

Nearby churches seem very fire and brimstone-y (only social stuff seems to be bible study!) but am going to keep looking.

Wish me much for tomorrow and the weekend. Thankyou all so so much. I feel clearer - crosser and more suspicious, colder maybe - but clearer.

Oh, GOOD LUCK!!!

I am sad to note that my comprehension of things leads me to feel joyful when a woman reports that she's feeling "more suspicious and colder". I'm also aware that more mistrustful, etc = pragmatic, when your instincts are saying your life feels wrong. We're not creatures of pure logic (otherwise we'd be Cybermen, if you watch Doctor Who!!) We're blessed with complex minds that process faster than we can consciously think. Generally speaking, an 'instinct' is your beautiful mind telling your conscious brain there's an emergency. Best to listen, eh.

Everything you're doing is spot on, chasing. You're building your own life pretty fast, setting your boundaries and reclaiming your family. What's not to like? I'm a little bit in love with you at the moment You may be in for a bumpy ride but, with your common sense and the mumsnet hive to guide you, you'll cut through any crap and rise to the top. Like cream.

Hope your interesting weekend turns out to be a signpost, one way or another, and wishing you all strength - and happy exploring! All the best.

Good luck!!

You are doing the right thing. Also, the less you chase after him for connection (my huge mistake) and the more you start living life for you, the less he has to push against.

This is really important.

Please keep on at the finances though.

I feel just the same. isolated. not seeing other half. no friends around. knackered and tired, im still in the same situation. bored and lonely. so once i find a solution, i'll let u know :)

Well Saturday is over - DH has gone to bed with DC3 and a book.

Family activity (nothing too special), went well, all DCs in good spirits - we went 'shopping' and to a museum. The shopping was my attempt to be sneaky - the DCs all need clothes for school and they (and DH), HATE 'boring' shopping (fine if it's for lego or computer games etc!). DH complained about us 'wasting our weekend' in the shopping centre and I said "yeah, I agree, not sure how else we could do it though", and he said, all patronising, why didn't I take the DCs shopping after school and I said "but I don't have any access to money".

Ha! He griped a bit, said he'd leave his credit card and I said but how could I plan that sort of excursion when the weather is so unpredictable atm (he agreed), and what if he needed to go out that evening (ha!) and he made a face and said he'd see if they could issue a second credit card on the account. Not all I wanted, but progress, I hope. Shame he had to be personally inconvenienced before he got it, hey.

Tonight's not been that great - we had a nice family dinner but our discussion got derailed a bit by an argument about politics of all things, and he ended up on the computer (playing a game, I did check), in the kitchen a-gain. I didn't get arsey or morose (well not out loud ), as that would be counterproductive.

garlic thankyou! Just reading back through my own posts on this thread has really opened my eyes. I hope this 'signpost weekend' ends up being a nice clear signpost, whatever else.

wobbly thankyou, sound advice as ever and big thanks to dreaming :)

Jazle I'm sorry you're feeling isolated too, it sucks doesn't it Are you away from 'home' as well?

Your husband is being an utter arse. I would also, next time he moans about you being negative, calmly and concisely point out that he is the one saying organising access to funds, learning to drive etc. is too difficult and too much work. How are you supposed to be proactive when his negative attitude towards you is dragging you down?

Can I ask, did you give him a rocket when he took the DC out without you? Because I was furious just reading about it, and I like to think I would have let him know it had I been in your shoes (hard to say if that would have happened though, I know it's different when you're actually there, as it were). You have sounded very ground down, understandably, and I wonder if your H has started to view you with contempt as some sort of weak, needy person when in fact you are being very strong in difficult circumstances. He seems to be treating you with contempt, the fucking prick, and when someone behaves like that towards you it can make you feel like you have no right to be angry.

You do, though :) Being angry can be incredibly powerful in a positive way, especially for a woman. Don't be afraid to show him that his behaviour is pissing you off and that HE needs to sort himself out wrt your relationship. You are not powerless here.

Omg what a brilliant idea to organise a shopping excursion! Agree that it's a shame you had to go to such lengths before he 'got it', but hopefully the end result will be good. I would keep up this strategy until you get what you want.

How do you do the food shopping btw? Do you have to do that together as well?

It must be frustrating that it all got derailed but, well, baby steps, keep your focus and keep trying.

I don't mean to sound like there is no limit to this, I mean obviously if you are doing your best and he continues to be an arse then you really have to consider your options.

Would counseling ever be an option? It might be that what your relationship needs at this point is a sort of 'clean slate', counseling would help you both get everything out of your system and start afresh.

Autumn this sounds like such a battle. It seems you can't do right for doing wrong with your husband and that he'll pick a conflict out of the simplest thing. If this continues, no amount of cycling and joining groups is going to halt this feeling that you've got a stranger in your midst who is battling your every move. It's going to have a bad effect on your self-esteem and your judgement of yourself. I wonder whether at times you query whether you are going mad? That perhaps you are being unreasonable in your expectations?

When you're talking to him, what non-verbal signs does he show? Is he dead-pan or does he grimace? Does he ever smile, nod and encourage what you are saying? Does he still show affection or intimacy?

I think there comes a point when it's healthier for you as an individual to find out what's behind this, because if this goes on for much longer you're going to start questioning your own sanity and judgement. This will then seep into other areas of your life, with you questioning yourself about the simplest of decisions.

Autumn, I think you did very well!
You've managed to put him the position where he could not make his way out and put all the responsability onto you and he had to acknowledge it.

As you said a shame it came to that but sometimes, you need to create a crisis situation for your partner to open their eyes. And it can work too!

Hope he is going to do something about money next week.

How is Sunday going?

Although I totally support all those helpful suggestions about how to meet new people and get out there (church, exercise), whoever said the biggest problem is your husband was spot on.

Now you are having to trick him into giving you access to a bank account. I'm sorry, this is absolutely awful and is leaving you completely powerless. If I go abroad with my husband, I ask for money all the time and take what I want (I don't have a bank account there, as I am not a resident/national). His first priority is that I have enough, that I am happy etc. If I was living there, my first priority would be for me to have access to joint accounts, and I would expect his complete support in sorting that out. Your husband is making out like he's doing you a favour giving you money to live on!!!!

Your husband is behaving like a complete twat. Only you know if this is a recent thing, perhaps caused by the stress of moving, or actually if this dynamic has been going on a while. I hear you trying to please him, trying to be more fun, more accepting, more the wife he wants. Is he doing the same for you? (I think not)

I would be deeply worried about hitching yourself to his wagon. My priority, when we moved to a new place, was to help my husband find work and friends, I called up places relating to his hobbies and read the job pages, as did he. It was a joint thing. Basically your husband is saying he's fine, and doesn't give a shit about your happiness, in fact, it's you that's spoiling this new life. What a cheek!

Personally, I could not live in this level of dependency with a man who is not putting my happiness as a high priority. I would get a bank account, get on those utilities (so you can deal with them at home), make friends, and personally I would get a job, so your life is interesting and not based around facilitating his career with his macho colleagues. I really think this has the potential to end up badly if you don't take action now to make him realise that the happiness of the whole family is at stake, and his actions are really upsetting you.