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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think my husbands cheating

309 replies

fizzyizzy · 05/04/2012 19:47

Oh God. Hes just gone out to a clients house and I have been tidying his wardrobe. I wasn't snooping. I looked in his gym bag - its so like him to leave his dirty gym kit in there and I've found a phone. It's not his phone, I've never seen it before. There is no reason for him to have another phone. I'm worried that this is a secret phone. That he's having an affair. I can't believe im writing this. He is the a great husband and a brilliant father to our three month old little girl. We are happy and we hardly ever argue. We've been together 8 years we've been through so much together. But I have this niggling doubt. My hearts pounding. What do I do????

OP posts:
SophieNeveau · 05/04/2012 21:45

yes i agree go with baby phone and docs like passports, certificates, keys dont answer phone to him

nolongeramug · 05/04/2012 21:46

Oh no... I agree that he knows now that you have phone, stay calm, he will lie, try to turn this round on you, confuse you. You must demand the truth, tell him nothing but the whole truth will save your relationship, stay in control and don't let him make the demands or ultimatum. Remember you have done nothing wrong, he is the complete lying twat.

rightchoice · 05/04/2012 21:46

Be strong, my heart goes out to you.xx

UnhappyLizzie · 05/04/2012 21:46

The phone call he just made is more evidence it's all as we say. So sorry OP. x

HeidiHole · 05/04/2012 21:46

Pack a bag, pack the phone, pack the baby and get over to your mums before he returns. No explanation required.. After all, he now KNOWS that you know...

bumbleymummy · 05/04/2012 21:47

I'm with viggle. Keep the phone. Do not call her. Act calm when he comes in and let him go looking for it.

clam · 05/04/2012 21:47

OK, well it sounds to me as if he was with her when the text came through, so they both know it wasn't from him!
He then called home to test your reaction to see if it was from you. You seemed out-of-sorts so he now knows you know. He'll be concocting some load of old bullshit to try out, but either way, I don't see how you can avoid some sor of confrontation.
So Sad for you. What a horrid thing to happen.

NotMostPeople · 05/04/2012 21:48

Or what Heidi said. Whatever happens do contact your Mum, you'd want your daughter to in these circumstances.

chocoraisin · 05/04/2012 21:48

please call your mum now. Before he gets home. You will want the option of calling her later, or going to her house with your DD. Don't try to front this out on your own - the adrenaline of shock will fail you eventually and you will collapse/cry/lose it. Which is NORMAL and FINE but you need someone to know so they can catch you when that happens. I know, I have just been through it myself. No-one will judge you, they will only be angry on your behalf with him.

clam · 05/04/2012 21:49

As soon as he gets hold of the phone, he'll check it to see that text you sent. So you can't pretend it was from someone else.

vigglewiggle · 05/04/2012 21:50

Don't let him get hold of the phone!

VanderElsken · 05/04/2012 21:50

I know this must be very confusing for you, fizzy. And absolutely physically heart-rending.

He was with this woman. You have blown their cover. He is concocting a story on his return. He will lie to you when he returns.

You have no reason to lie. You have done nothing wrong, by texting the phone, finding the phone, or anything. The longer this repression goes on, the more painful and easily buried it will be.

He is having an affair of some kind. You need to confront it now or he will just be much more careful about hiding it and it will DESTROY you inside.

You have done nothing wrong. You need to do what as advised earlier. You have all the evidence you need. Even if if emerges that he can 'prove' he was at a client's house, it's possible that the OW got your text, knew it wasn't from him because of tone/knowledge of where he was tonight and then called his other phone to tell him of the weird occurrence. That would be exactly what would happen.

You are not crazy. Do not bury this. You have exactly the same evidence. And now more of it. you just have a better prepared man.

GeekLove · 05/04/2012 21:51

Make sure you have birth certificates, red book and your bank statements secured whatever your decision to leave now or stay.
Sorry you are going through this.

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 05/04/2012 21:52

I asked if you were sure it was his phone because the fact that the pw is part of his mum's number doesn't mean much. It's a 4 digit pw, lots of people will have the same number. My pw is probably part of someone I knows phone number.

However, it doesn't look good that he has rung so soon after you text the other number :(

Hide the phone - do not let on.

PullUpAPew · 05/04/2012 21:53

This is horrible for you. But I think you should read VenderElsken's posts carefully and try very hard to take deep breaths and follow some of the advice.

midwife99 · 05/04/2012 21:56

If anyone can help you Vander & Choco can! They are both amazingly level headed & clear. I really hope it's all a misunderstanding but I fear the worst too Sad

Madondogs · 05/04/2012 21:56

Feel so very very sorry for you. Been there and know how you must be feeling. Stay strong, do call your mum xx.

Original poster
fizzyizzy · 05/04/2012 21:58

I've blown it haven't I? Vander you are right I basically know what's going on but i want to hear from HER mouth.mh how dare she wreck our marriage,. Everything we had. How long has this been going on for ffs?! Since he got this phone? When I was fucking pregnant? I'm going to my mums and taking my daughter with me. I've written him a note telling him where i will be, that I know what he's done and I have proof. I can't believe this is the man I married.

OP posts:
frankie76 · 05/04/2012 21:59

I'd want to call the number too if I were you

Chubfuddler · 05/04/2012 21:59

Don't make the mistake of blaming her. He's the one who lied to you. He's the one who promised to love and cherish you.

Xales · 05/04/2012 21:59

Don't get angry at any OW right now much as you want to. She may not even know you exist.

Right now the only one who needs to answer about their behaviour to you is the one who made vows to you.

CaipirinhasAllRound · 05/04/2012 21:59

and you haven't blown it, he has

DinahMoHum · 05/04/2012 21:59

:( to be fair, she probably didnt know anything about you

Im so sorry hes done this to you

FuckedOfftotheFarSideofFuck · 05/04/2012 22:00

Oh Fizzy, glad you can get to your mum's. So sorry you are going through this.

chocoraisin · 05/04/2012 22:00

I strongly suggest you put the phone somewhere only you will be able to get to it, at least until tomorrow. Lock it up somewhere and resist the temptation to throw it at him. You don't need it to 'prove' anything. You know what you have seen and can choose to talk about that whether it is in front of him or not. I'd use this time to pack him a bag for the night, and call someone to come and stay with you - preferably your mum if she is close by? You can leave his overnight bag outside the front door if you don't want to confront him right now. It's not obligatory to have it out just because he has decided to come home.

How are you doing right now?

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