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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I think my husbands cheating

309 replies

fizzyizzy · 05/04/2012 19:47

Oh God. Hes just gone out to a clients house and I have been tidying his wardrobe. I wasn't snooping. I looked in his gym bag - its so like him to leave his dirty gym kit in there and I've found a phone. It's not his phone, I've never seen it before. There is no reason for him to have another phone. I'm worried that this is a secret phone. That he's having an affair. I can't believe im writing this. He is the a great husband and a brilliant father to our three month old little girl. We are happy and we hardly ever argue. We've been together 8 years we've been through so much together. But I have this niggling doubt. My hearts pounding. What do I do????

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 05/04/2012 21:06

Keep the phone. Put it somewhere safe. Do not put it back in the gymbag.

Don't mention it.
Wait and watch.

(Of course it is his phone.)

UnhappyLizzie · 05/04/2012 21:07

Hide the phone. He'll realise it's missing and s* himself but he won't confront you. Once he's got it back you've lost your evidence.

I know a guy who found a duplicate phone belonging to his wife. He thought it was her phone but it only had texts on it from one number. He took it and left the house, went and checked into a hotel, and started a conversation with the number - wife was having an affair.

It's really really hard, but you need to try and not reveal what you know yet. Forget about not upsetting your mum, if you need her support, call her.

chocoraisin · 05/04/2012 21:08

definitely keep the phone, you will need it when he tries to lie/minimise/gaslight until he is blue in the face. It is the only thing you have to remind yourself you are NOT mad, you have discovered something awful. I wouldn't give it back for all the snow in Narnia.

mathanxiety · 05/04/2012 21:08

Actually, take VanderElsken's brilliant advice.

chipsandmushypeas · 05/04/2012 21:09

Don't wait, confront him as soon as he comes home! You cannot sit on this, you have all the evidence you need.

I'm so sorry

mathanxiety · 05/04/2012 21:09

But do keep the phone at the same time.

CaipirinhasAllRound · 05/04/2012 21:10

Really sorry OP

I wouldn't hide the phone or keep quiet, that seems a bit sneaky and I'm not sure what you'd be waiting for, I would want to confront him with it as soon as he walks in the door

good luck

Bohica · 05/04/2012 21:10

I'd be worried about calling the number incase he is with her right now!

Sorry Fizzy Sad

oikopolis · 05/04/2012 21:10

if he tries to lie his way out of it:

  1. the phone was hidden in HIS bag.
  2. it was pw protected with HIS mother's phone number.
  3. there is one number on it.
  4. it has sexual texts on it.

remember all this, repeat it to him if necessary, and end off with "Please don't expect me to believe blatant and actually quite pathetic lies. Just tell the truth. You sound like a 4-year-old trying to pretend you didn't steal from the corner shop."

or similar.

don't let him fleece you, or make you doubt yourself.

nolongeramug · 05/04/2012 21:12

VanderELskens advice is spot, good luck OP, We are all here for you

daisy395 · 05/04/2012 21:12

You are really vulnerable right now , you should confide in a close friend you need support. It may just be txt flirting but all said and done he seems to be distracted with someone else. Why though would he leave phone for you too find. Maybe he wants you to find it. The only way you get piece of mind is by asking him. Be calm if you can be ,an just ask. Otherwise you will drive yourself insane and your fears may cloud your judgement.good luck

PullUpAPew · 05/04/2012 21:13

I think I would hide the phone somewhere really hidden, that way you have it whether you decide to confront today or not. Hide it like in a plastic bag under the shed or something.

I am so sorry that you are having to go through this.

UnhappyLizzie · 05/04/2012 21:15

It's not 'sneaky' for OP hang onto the phone. It's sneaky to have bought it and to use it to send explicit texts to an OW when you have a wife and baby.

piratecat · 05/04/2012 21:16

i wouldn't put the phone back. no chance.

even if you are scared of his reaction, right now you need that phone as evidence.

VanderElsken · 05/04/2012 21:16

Hie lie is probably going to be that it's not his phone. He may even pretend he's keeping it 'for a friend' or 'found it and is as interested in the contents as you. Remember, IT HAS HIS MUM's PHONE NUMBER AS PIN. It was in HIS BAG. It has texts going back to JANUARY. It has ONE NUMBER.

Keep reminding yourself of this. Make note of any names used in the texts or details of place and time. But mostly, confront him with confidence and simplicity. Keeping the phone I'm not entirely sure what you would be waiting for. A text to it? It seems unnecessary.

You should act now. Put the phone on the table once the baby is asleep, look straight at him and say, 'Tell me about this. And please don't lie, this is your one chance."

Let him fill the silences. He will pick up on your uncertainty and sadness and fear. Keep repeating the facts in your head, and eventually and when appropriate, to him. For example when he says, 'It's not mine' look at him, you'll know if he's lying, and say 'Yes it is' because you know it is (pin). When he says, 'What do you mean?' as a way of buying time, which he may well do, just say, 'You know exactly what I mean. Tell me the truth." Over and over.

innerstrength · 05/04/2012 21:16

Agree totally with Vanderelsken's advice.

Yes he will probably try lying through his teeth.

And yes, I would keep the phone.

Don't drink too much alcohol - you need to try and keep a clear head as much as you can.

midwife99 · 05/04/2012 21:16

I agree with Vander's advice too. Keep the phone locked in your car or somewhere safe he can't get it so he can't remove it & delete the evidence. You poor thing Angry

midwife99 · 05/04/2012 21:19

I must admit I'd be tempted to phone the number & say "Can I speak to my husband please? Our baby isn't settling & I wondered if he could come home & help me" Angry

innerstrength · 05/04/2012 21:20

And yes, agree to make a note of any specifics re times and dates mentioned in texts; you will probably find it corresponds to dates in your diary when he was not around, and that back up evidence will help you come to terms with the facts if it just seems to horrible to be true. Very sorry you are going through this.

countingto10 · 05/04/2012 21:21

I would only keep the phone because knowing the gut wrenching fear and trauma dh put me through on discovery of his 2nd phone, I would gain perverse pleasure from seeing him panic & sweat when said phone is missing iyswim - sick I know......

fizzyizzy · 05/04/2012 21:31

Oh god. I sent a text to the number asking them if they wanted to meet up tonight. Just got a text back from them saying 'who is this?'. Wtf?

OP posts:
vigglewiggle · 05/04/2012 21:33

He is probably with her. Hence the concern. Sad Sorry.

CaipirinhasAllRound · 05/04/2012 21:33

where is your husband at the moment?

chocoraisin · 05/04/2012 21:33

perhaps he is already with them :(

you might have just let him know you have the phone, so don't be surprised if he's prepared when he gets home.

VanderElsken · 05/04/2012 21:33

When was the last text sent/received between them before this? Are they together tonight possibly?