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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think my husbands cheating

309 replies

fizzyizzy · 05/04/2012 19:47

Oh God. Hes just gone out to a clients house and I have been tidying his wardrobe. I wasn't snooping. I looked in his gym bag - its so like him to leave his dirty gym kit in there and I've found a phone. It's not his phone, I've never seen it before. There is no reason for him to have another phone. I'm worried that this is a secret phone. That he's having an affair. I can't believe im writing this. He is the a great husband and a brilliant father to our three month old little girl. We are happy and we hardly ever argue. We've been together 8 years we've been through so much together. But I have this niggling doubt. My hearts pounding. What do I do????

OP posts:
aftereight · 05/04/2012 22:00

Take the phone with you, but don't call her in anger. Maintain your dignity, you will be glad you did.

UnhappyLizzie · 05/04/2012 22:00

Good for you getting out with baby and going to your mum's. Of course you are angry with the OW, but you and the baby are not her responsibility OP. She's a piece of work for screwing a man in that situation, but it's your dh you should be angry with.
Good luck and hope your mum will help.

PullUpAPew · 05/04/2012 22:00

fizzyizzy I know it is so hard and you will feel angry with her but I think, sadly, it is really your husband who has wrecked the marriage.

I am glad you can go to your mum, let someone take care of you a little.

Teeb · 05/04/2012 22:00

fizzyizzy, you need to know this isn't anything she has done. HE has wrecked your marriage. HE has wrecked everything you had. HE has broken your marriage vows. If you blame the woman and see him as a weak victim under her spell (do you want to be married to someone that weak anyway?) then you open the door to him twisting your arm and worming his way back in, and then he'd learn it's a perfectly acceptable thing to do and he can get away with it.

I'm so sorry he's behaved this way, I hope you can get to your mothers and she will take good care of you and your little one.

HeidiHole · 05/04/2012 22:01

What do you mean how dare SHE wreck your marriage??

It's your HUSBAND in the wrong here. You don't even know this women knows about you

Don't be blaming the wrong person here, direct your anger towards your husband. He took the vows to you. Not this anonymous lady who doesn't even know you

HeidiHole · 05/04/2012 22:01

X post!

VanderElsken · 05/04/2012 22:02

Okay fizzy, good for you. Yes, you do know. Deal with her when the time comes. At the moment focus on you and your kids and his actions. Telling your mum will help, another person in real life who will be able to tell you you're not going mad. If you talk to her you are going to be distraught and furious and she is probably not going to answer anyway. And if you speak to her she almost certainly won't admit it, or she will lie about the extent of it. unless he's been lying to her too in which case she'll be as surprised as you. But that's unlikely.

The only downside about not confronting him directly is that he has even more time to concoct something plausible and you won't have that moment of looking in his eyes and KNOWING he's lying and being disgusted. That can mean later down the line you might doubt yourself.

But this will scare him shitless enough to realise what he's done.

There is no other explanation that's not statistically astronomically improbable.

fishandlilacs · 05/04/2012 22:03

You haven't blown anything, he has.

Don't waste your anger on her. Save it for your husband.

SophieNeveau · 05/04/2012 22:03

Be angry as you want with OW, she knows!

Don't leave him the note, he doesn't deserve to be one up again, don't give him away any more!

piratecat · 05/04/2012 22:03

the way it stands, is that he will prob have a go at you if you ring her and have a go.

of course she deserves it, but pride in yourself and your love for your dd should make you not confront her with your anger and hurt right now.

it should be directed at him now.

UnhappyLizzie · 05/04/2012 22:04

Vander is right, it's hard to think of another plausible explanation. OP's not stupid, she knew as soon as she found the phone - look at the title of the thread.

clam · 05/04/2012 22:05

Why can't she be angry with both of them?

rightchoice · 05/04/2012 22:05

You haven't blown it, you have acted, too many others will have pussy footed around out of fear. You have taken immediate action, got immediate support here, and are going to your mums. Your life is about to be turned inside out and upside down, you need support.

Drive carefully, be safe and don't let him twist anything. xx

chocoraisin · 05/04/2012 22:05

it's ok to be angry with them both. They have both been responsible for the most incredible shock, and their affair has caused you a lot of pain. Rant, rage and cry as much as you like. But please don't give either of them the privilege of witnessing that emotion - they don't deserve to know how you feel right now. There will be a time and place for that. All you need now is the love of someone you really can trust (your mum is the one for the job! So glad you're going) until you are ready to see what tomorrow brings.

Your life has been turned upside down for sure, but to quote other MNetters who have helped me so much - this is not the end of your story. It's the beginning. You and your DD will be ok, more than ok. The rollercoaster is sickening but you will survive, I am so glad you are taking your DD and getting the support you need tonight. Will be here to hold your hand as long as you need it x

UnhappyLizzie · 05/04/2012 22:05

Second the point about not leaving him a note, too. Why do the courtesy? Let him sweat.

ike1 · 05/04/2012 22:06

oh god if she wants to blame the OW let her..

Clownsarescary · 05/04/2012 22:06

Turn the phone off for now in case he gets in and calls it to try and locate it.

Sorry for you OP, all our worst nightmare.

SophieNeveau · 05/04/2012 22:06

take bank statements with you, and credit card stuff too! don't leave anything dor him, take a wadge of cash out of cash machine and freeze your bank accounts! i wish I had.

VanderElsken · 05/04/2012 22:07

Who she is angry with and why is really not the issue right now. She discovered this in the past few hours. She has every right to be angry with fucking Nokia.

What is going to happen is the extent of the infidelity is going to get massively downplayed and over time, this is going to be used as a stick to beat OP with and a way to make her doubt herself.

Leaving is fine and right if that's what she wants to do. But OP, you have the best chance of getting the whole truth from your husband, rather than OW, and that has the best chance of being discovered sooner rather than later after much thought and story concocting.

midwife99 · 05/04/2012 22:08

I agree don't leave a note. Just go. You're being incredibly brave. Glad you have your mum as support.

vigglewiggle · 05/04/2012 22:09

If it was me, I would want to confront him now before he has time to make up any complicated excuses. Then go to your mum's if you want to, or better still, kick him out and ask your mum to come to you.

Good luck.

ike1 · 05/04/2012 22:10

Yeah just go dont leave a note, or ask your mum to come over and lock the bastard out. You blame whoever you want and dont feel a second of guilt..

chocoraisin · 05/04/2012 22:12

It's a personal thing, but in my case, I didn't need or want the full story. I only found one email. I knew they had had sex, it didn't matter whether that was once or every other night for a year - for me, my marriage was over. Because I didn't ask, bizarrely he has offered up information to me over the last few months, telling me himself when it began etc. It doesn't change anything for me, an affair = marriage over. That's my personal feeling.

You only need to pursue the full story if you feel it will influence you in any way to decide if you want to save your marriage. If you do, there will be many, many people who can advise you on that road - if you don't, then I honestly recommend taking the high road and thinking fuck them.

I wouldn't take back my H if he came with diamonds sewn into his cock, and I knew that from the second I knew what he'd been up to. But that's just me!!

Leverette · 05/04/2012 22:13

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feedbackforfree · 05/04/2012 22:14

I can't add anything to the advice already here. Just wanted to say that I'm thinking about you and wondering just what the hell they think they are doing. I can't get my head around how frequently infidelity is reported here which must just be the tip of the iceberg. Take care xx