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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I think my husbands cheating

309 replies

fizzyizzy · 05/04/2012 19:47

Oh God. Hes just gone out to a clients house and I have been tidying his wardrobe. I wasn't snooping. I looked in his gym bag - its so like him to leave his dirty gym kit in there and I've found a phone. It's not his phone, I've never seen it before. There is no reason for him to have another phone. I'm worried that this is a secret phone. That he's having an affair. I can't believe im writing this. He is the a great husband and a brilliant father to our three month old little girl. We are happy and we hardly ever argue. We've been together 8 years we've been through so much together. But I have this niggling doubt. My hearts pounding. What do I do????

OP posts:
oikopolis · 05/04/2012 20:54

oh OP i am so sorry Sad this is just so shit

Chubfuddler · 05/04/2012 20:54

Where is he? There's no point pinching the SIM because the messages are probably stored on the phone itself. Photo the texts. So sorry.

only4tonight · 05/04/2012 20:55

Sorry fizzyizzy :(

chocoraisin · 05/04/2012 20:55

:( I'm so sorry

UnhappyLizzie · 05/04/2012 20:56

Gosh, I'm so sorry, OP. When is he due back tonight?

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 05/04/2012 20:56

Sorry :( X

How sure are you that the phone is his and he sent the messages? Are you 100% sure?

lellibobs · 05/04/2012 20:56

I'm so sorry you are going through this. This happened to me and I would say that you should confront him straight away.

bronze · 05/04/2012 20:56

I'm so sorry he's done this to you

oikopolis · 05/04/2012 20:56

^ if the pword is part of his mum's number i can't see how it's not his phone

Xales · 05/04/2012 20:57

Hide the phone some where and see if he goes strange hunting high and low for it...

Sorry not very helpful.

Hope it all turns out all right.

maleview70 · 05/04/2012 20:58

Self employed Financial Advisor just gives him as much opportunity as he wants. I know plenty of them and "client appointments" can mean anything.

I know one who plays gold 3 times a week whilst his wife thinks he is at work!

It is not good for you thats for sure.

Now you know, confront him. He will lie and you will probably want to believe him but he is having an affair...

UnhappyLizzie · 05/04/2012 20:58

Yeah the pw is a giveaway. I second the advice to photo the messages. Also write down the number of this phone and the number the texts are from and put the numbers somewhere safe.

chocoraisin · 05/04/2012 21:00

is there any reason the OP can't just keep the phone? Does she have to give it back?

fizzyizzy · 05/04/2012 21:00

Chipping the style of writing isn't his. I can't imagine him saying those things. But then how is it that the first 4 digits of his mums phone number has been used as the password? It's just too much of a coincidence. As much as I don't want to believe it I know he must have written those texts. He's never spoken to me in that way though. Im thinking of calling my mum. I need her but don't want to upset her :(

OP posts:
MyNameIsntFUCKINGWarren · 05/04/2012 21:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MyNameIsntFUCKINGWarren · 05/04/2012 21:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

countingto10 · 05/04/2012 21:01

I would hide the phone and watch how he behaves. Keep your cards close to your chest and observe him carefully.

Thinking of you, remember the stomach churning panic/shaking etc Sad

nolongeramug · 05/04/2012 21:02

Oh no.. I'm sorry fizzy. I have been in exactly the same position only weeks ago, and reading your post brings back the awful feeling.
My only initial advice would be to right down or photograph the texts and numbers. Once they get caught out they tend to lie lie lie. You have to confront him Im afraid...

oikopolis · 05/04/2012 21:02

are there any replies on the phone? if so i suggest googling the number they've been received from. you may be able to narrow down the name of the OW.

not for any other reason than knowing that might help you secure a confession, if that's something that you need.

chocoraisin · 05/04/2012 21:03

call her - I would always want a DC of mine to feel able to turn to me if this happened to them. I called my mum and dad when I discovered my STBXH's affair. I was 14 weeks pg with one DS (18mo then). I am so, so glad I did. They came immediately and have supported me unfailingly since then. I know how utterly devastating this is to discover and you have a little baby girl who needs her mummy.

You are still your mum's little baby girl - lean on her, so you have the strength to be your DD's mummy as this experience unfolds. You don't have to go through it alone x

chocoraisin · 05/04/2012 21:04

as in call your mum, not the OW numbers in case that wasn't clear!!

innerstrength · 05/04/2012 21:04

I am so sorry OP. Stay strong. Your head is going to be all over the place, but yes, you do need to take copies of texts and phone numbers, or take the phone into your own possession and hide it. Keep posting. Lots of us here have been through similar you are not on your own.

VanderElsken · 05/04/2012 21:05

Hi OP. I'm so sorry this has happened. Take deep breaths, you will feel ill and in shock. this will pass and is a physical effect. Just go through some actions. Photograph or even just write down the most incriminating texts, including the times and dates they were sent/received. Write down the phone number.

If there is only one phone number that this phone is being used for and it was hidden, there is no other explanation. Do not allow yourself to think you are mad. You're not.

You can then do one of two things. You can talk to him or call the number. The best thing to do is to talk to him. If you need to check if this is still ongoing (i.e there are no recent texts, you could text the number as if from him to see what/if there is a response. If there are relatively recent texts, don't bother.

Do not call him. The conversation you have with him should be in person if AT ALL possible and he shouldn't get wind of something being wrong, if you can bear it at all.

All cheaters lie when confronted. So bear this in mind. He will try and make you feel crazy. He will deny, sometimes quite realistically.

If you ask him about the phone, he won't know you've looked on it necessarily and may lie about having 'found' it. Remember he had hidden it and it has one number on it. This is not going to be true.

The best approach is to make open, demanding statements like 'Tell me everything about this woman. Now.' Try and be calm, although it will probably be impossible. He may break down/walk out or probably just feign ignorance and lie over and over. If he tells you any truth it will be minimised. He will ask you questions and distract from the matter, 'What were you doing looking through my stuff?' This is all irrelevant and should be ignored. Go back to the demanding statement. Any lies should be greeted with continual 'You're lying. Tell me the truth. You're lying. You're lying', as calmly as you can. YOU ARE NOT MAD. This has happened. You can google the number just in case, and you can call it to see if you get an answerphone if you like, but don't talk to the woman. She will probably alert him somehow.

I am so sorry again and don't lose control totally. You just need to get through this stage and you will have more information. You can come back here and we will help you through it. Don't let your mind wander too far into the future. He needs to tell the truth first.

Bohica · 05/04/2012 21:05

Sad it doesn't sound good at all.

I would keep the phone, he wouldn't be able to fob it off as one he found in the gym or as a friends if he ransacks the house looking for it.

I'm sure your mum would rather you call her than try and deal with this by yourself, you need to give yourself time.

When is he due back?

Chubfuddler · 05/04/2012 21:06

Phone your mum. It's his dirty secret not yours. You deserve whatever support you need.

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