I think my husbands cheating

[fizzyizzy]

Oh God. Hes just gone out to a clients house and I have been tidying his wardrobe. I wasn't snooping. I looked in his gym bag - its so like him to leave his dirty gym kit in there and I've found a phone. It's not his phone, I've never seen it before. There is no reason for him to have another phone. I'm worried that this is a secret phone. That he's having an affair. I can't believe im writing this. He is the a great husband and a brilliant father to our three month old little girl. We are happy and we hardly ever argue. We've been together 8 years we've been through so much together. But I have this niggling doubt. My hearts pounding. What do I do????

Hi, I hope you managed to get some sleep last night.

If there's anything else you need from your house, then send someone else over to get it, don't phone ahead either.

I wouldn't stay out of your house for too long, you need to maintain the fact that it is your & DD's home and that he will be the one leaving it. He will have to contribute financially & you will get some benefits, so you might be able to afford to stay there and if not, you still don't need to hand it to him on a plate.

As the others have said - sort the financial things out today if you can. You might think he wouldn't take the money from your account or whatever, but he's not the man you thought he was - don't take the risk.

It might take you a little while to decide if you are prepared to forgive him or not - just one word of advice, if you do decide to 'try again' - it is not the easy option. You can't put your marriage back together - you have to start and rebuild a new marriage from the foundations up. I tried it, we worked on it ... eventually we split up, I wish I had done that at the beginning as it just killed me going through that, far far worse than finding out he'd slept with someone else. If I knew then, what I know now - there's no way I'd have put myself through that. I wish I'd known about MN then!

You sound really strong, I just know you are going to be OK.

Chipping (and others who have had the misfortune of going through this) - are you saying you would actively advise OP or someone in this position to end a marriage straight after an infidelity? Or give it a finite amount of time?

I have a morbid fear of 'breaking my family up' because of my parents' destructive divorce and subsequent dreadful relationship choices. So if this did happen to me I would probably be fighting to save my marriage...yes that dreadful term 'fighting to save'.

But as many have said, it would be easy to fall into the trap of competing with the mistress on the sex front, being the best side of you - and therefore actually rewarding your cheating h!

Knowing me though, I would not be able to do this and would be a big angry, ball of resentment making him pay every day. Which is also a crap situation.

So sorry...

How he must have CRAPPED himself when that text came through...

You are currently in the hallway of hell, otherwise known as shock and awe [so sorry]
and I am afraid once the shock wears off it (the pain) is going to get worse. I think other betrayed MNetters can agree that pain like this - well I did not know it existed.

My advice to you would be: do not speak to him at all. Arrange a marital counsellor and ONLY speak to him in the presence of a third party.

I know how quickly I lost control of this sich, by not using silence enough (I shrieked and raged like a harpy :( - what this achieved was put him on the defensive, in the position of the poor guy who was trying so hard to heal things but sadly dealing with a loon and now it is all my fault we can't get over it.

The marital adviser will explain to him how destructive the lies are, and seriously counsel him not to, because lies from this moment on make things worse.

But a bit of silence leaves him with - himself. The person he used his knob to get away from. And I don't think OW is going to be too alluring from this moment forward.

Oh, and your gut feel that something was off, way before you found the phone? How accurate it was. Apparently when women suspect cheating, they are 86% right...

Proud: others who have had the misfortune of going through this) - are you saying you would actively advise OP or someone in this position to end a marriage straight after an infidelity? Or give it a finite amount of time?

The advice is that this time of TRAUMA is not the time to make long term decisions. Counsellors who specialise in adultery think that this is worse than rape, your house burning down, the death of loved ones. (I can say I have been through pretty bad stuff, but finding out that the person I loved and trusted was not who I thought he was and I didn't have what I thought I did - I thought I would die from the pain). The advice is that 3 months of not deciding is necessary to get over the immediate shock.

But certainly leaving him with himself is really important. First, for the time for the fantasy to fade, and for him to live with a bit of silence (what OW was being used for to fill the void). Secondly, for what he has lost to start to bear. He is currently in shock as well.

The problem is that the shame of his ridiculous selfish behaviour makes the cheater starts to scramble for cover, tell more lies, justify himself and blame his wife. This leaves really bad and lasting scars, so it is best not to hear them.

Yes I agree. Stay away, refuse to speak to him or see him, make no decisions. You've just had a baby & need to focus on recovering from that with your family's support as well as this awful shock. A family member can go & collect more of your things as you need them. Don't give him any excuse to say "poor me" by attacking him.

Abitwobbly - yes I see that, very good advice. Spot on. Especially allowing the fantasy to fade.

People who have affairs always strike me as very childish, or even stupid. That they can't differentiate excitement and thrills and a real relationship. That they can't make the obvious jump from 'I want to leave 'boring' wife for sexy mistress' to 'oh mistress will just become 'boring' wife'. Hope that doesn't offend - I'm being ironic about being boring!

It doesn't offend at all Proud.

It is actually scarier than that. Both women are screwed over - purely for his benefit.

The role of the OW is not to be person with a character and a soul that he engages with, just a flesh and blood provider of excitement, admiration, high self esteem, new sex and magical feelgood feeling (all to be confused with 'love').

The wife must fade into the background, cease to be a person with needs, and continue to keep the home and children going. But she mustn't go anywhere, because that would be inconvenient and not what he wants.

IM experience, both women are depersonalised. It's all about him

Stress again: he doesn't want to replace the wife, nor is he interested in what OW really thinks or wants. In fact, if she starts showing her real self/getting demanding, he goes off her and starts disliking her. He just wants a fantasy so he can feel better about himself.

[That is a direct quote by the way, to me and to ICs on several occasions]

Lot of insight there, Abitwobbly.

People who have affairs always strike me as very childish, or even stupid, something that also registers with me.

I hope OP is taking really good and special care of herself.

Fizzy, I am so sorry this man has treated you this way. To do this when you've got a wife and lovely little baby at home, what the fuck is wrong with these wankers?!

I had this happen to me about ten years ago, caught ex texting other women. Big argument, lots of self pity on his side, tried to make a go of things. Obviously I regularly looked in his phone when he wasn't around with a fine tooth comb seemed to be nothing untoward. Then one of his friends, who said he felt sorry for me, told me the ex had what he called a "totty" phone the absolute fucking wanker which number he used to give out to women.

Again, lots of denials, accusations of his friend fancying me, that's why he told me, feeling life is empty, I don't give him any attention, he's bored blah blah ad fucking nauseum I ended it then, as I saw him for what he was. I wish I had ended it the first time, would have saved a lot of grief.

I guess what I am trying to say is that they cannot seem to find it in themselves to accept blame for their infidelity, and that even if they do and you take him back, you will never have peace of mind. Checking his movements, sneaking looks in his phone, hacking into emails, looking through bags - this will become an integral and obsessive part of your life, and quite frankly its no life for anyone.

Abitwobbly - wow I never really looked at it exactly like that re the man's motivations. It's all incredibly depressing and infuriating.

There was a thread on here the other day about 'you can't help who you fall in love with'. Made me bloody mad!

Of course you can bloody help it. I have successfully managed not to fall in love with or fuck anyone else in 17 years with my dh! Not because I am a saint and don't occasionally lust after other men but because I don't put myself into situations where I could - whoops! accidentally - strike up an affair. I don't text other men or arrange work lunches or drinks with men I fancy etc etc. If I did have a working lunch with a man I fancied and one thing lead to another could I truthfully say it just happened?!

Grrrrrr.

Why do these men get married & have babies & then almost immediately start shagging around? I could almost understand the after 20 years of marriage, relationship breakdown leads to temptation scenario. But why so soon? Why not just stay single?

Poor you OP, I hope you're getting lots of support in rl.

It must be so hard to find out the husband and father you love is actually a complete shit. What an idiot he is to throw it all away.

Proud - no, I'm not saying that it will never work out if one partner has had an affair & that it is always better to end it. There are a couple of MNers who have worked through it and seem happy enough. I have friends who have worked through it and are still together, however, not one of my friends thinks that what they have now was worth the pain they went through to get it and would not have opted to work through it, if they had known how fucking awful it would be and how different their 'new' relationship would be to what they thought it would be.

Seldom does it work and the pain you put yourself through is immense. You don't end up with what you had (which might not always be a bad thing, but in most cases is not a good thing).

The key thing is that the person who had the affair has to be the proactive one, they have to be offering solutions, they have to be doing the soul searching as to how they could do that to the person they love, they have to be the one reading books/getting counselling. They have to be the one who is deeply apologetic AND they have to take 100% of the blame. They have to understand (for themselves!!) that no matter what was wrong in the marriage/their own lives that enabled them to do this that their responsibility was to discuss this with their wife/husband and sort it out - there isn't anything that 'lets them off the hook' and it is RARE that someone who has had an affair thinks like this.

If you do take them back, for most of them, it's just the green light to keep treating you/the relationship like shit and for many/most seems to give them 'permission' (in their own warped minds) to do this again.

It is fucking hard to walk away from a relationship when you still love the other person, it is hard not to give them 'one more chance' to prove themselves to be the person you thought they were, it's hard to 'make yourself single' when every fibre of you wants to be with them, to fix it - but it's a damn sight harder to put yourself through being the 'wronged' party trying to fix it :( Of course most of them will agree to 'never do it again', claim to be 'sorry', claim to 'regret it', cry, beg forgiveness etc - don't be fooled - that's the easy part... as the 'wronged' party you have to walk away, you have to make them come to you, you have to make them beg YOU for another chance and they have to prove themselves off their own back, without you telling them what they need to do. THEY have to fight for their marriage, not the wronged party.

fizzy i don't normally post in relationships as I don't feel I have the experience in order to offer advice. I just wanted to say how sorry I am that you're in this situation. I cannot imagine the pain you must be experiencing - I almost cried when he sent you a text to his other phone. How very dare he! It's so pathetic it's incredible. I hope that you can get through this and always remember that this is something he did, all on his own, he's the one who couldn't see past his own penis to realise what a special woman he had. Rambling now but didn't want to read and not let you know that many lurkers I'm sure are sending you their best wishes.

I've just caught up with this, so sorry to hear what you are going through. Some men really are twunts and do not know when they have a good thing. It has brought back memories of when I found out X had been cheating on me. I'm glad you have some support in RL and at least you can get away to think about what you want.

Just to stick up for Mr Fizzy a little bit, if you see affairs as a [terrible, selfish, immature] coping strategy, affairs happen at times of transition.

All change brings stress, and having a baby is a time of huge change and stress. In fact it is a common affair 'time'.

Men have different worries than us, and it is usually about performance: am I man enough? Can I provide for my family? Be a good father? Can I bring the money in? [Remember Adrian who defined himself as 'putting a roof over her head' but when we asked him about his wifes issues he vanished].

Also although this is hotly denied by women, men feel as though they are in a triangle with the baby and feel tremendous feelings of jealousy and neglect, because the wife focusses almost exclusively on the baby. In a flash, they lose their lover and their partner, who ignores them doesn't want sex and only thinks about the baby (however natural all this is). This is a lonely time for men.

But, to stop sticking up for Mr Fizzy, these feelings should be managed and kept into perspective, and he should have aired these feelings and worries to Fizzy, in a responsible mature and respectful manner.
Not given himself permission to distract himself with Ms FlirtyHotTwat.

The key thing is that the person who had the affair has to be the proactive one, they have to be offering solutions, they have to be doing the soul searching as to how they could do that to the person they love, they have to be the one reading books/getting counselling. They have to be the one who is deeply apologetic AND they have to take 100% of the blame. They have to understand (for themselves!!) that no matter what was wrong in the marriage/their own lives that enabled them to do this that their responsibility was to discuss this with their wife/husband and sort it out - there isn't anything that 'lets them off the hook' and it is RARE that someone who has had an affair thinks like this.

Agree with you 100% Chipping: and you will notice that all the wives who say they love their husbands even more now than before? This is what their H's did.
We CAN forgive if they show this level of care: for life, for integrity and for us. But like you said, it's rare.

Mr Fizzy should grow up and Miss HotTwat should have kept her legs closed!

Abitwobblynow, I don't think that women deny that men are jealous when a baby comes. I think they just think that men should not behave badly because of it. Express what they are feeling, maybe, and be a bit more grown up about it than to run out and have an affair...?

OP, very, very sorry. This must be SO devastating. I think you are incredibly strong and brave.

OP, please note in the old Bible, the only reason for divorce and remarriage is for someone like you, seen as the innocent party.

Don't let people make you feel bad, no matter what way you decide to go, be that forgive or go it alone.

Just wanted to say I was sorry to read this and to wish strength and happiness to you and your lovely daughter. How anyone with children can be selfish enough to behave like this I just don't know. Hope you are getting lots of care and support from your family.

Poor OP hope you are ok today !!

So sorry OP, I was wishing last night that the phone would be innocent :(

You have behaved very sensibly by removing yourself and taking documents with you. You might want to consider getting some relative or friend to chuck him out so you can go back home with the baby without seeing him.

Are you ok Fizzy?