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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Just had the biggest fight with DH... he hit me, I hit him...

682 replies

namechangeforthis100 · 04/04/2012 00:57

I've spent the whole of yesterday at the hospital... quite a long time after a miscarriage it turns out (joy) I've got an infection. I'm in agony. I feel shit. All my friends are pregnant.. I'm just having a very shit time.

I decided to get stuff organised.. sort of nights out etc to keep us busy and tonight we went out with about 10 of our best friends for a meal (a lot are shift workers from our hey day hence the tuesday random night)...

I have been in quite a lot of pain and on painkillers... but was without and just slowly drinking wine this evening.. The night went great and we all agreed to meet again next week.

We got in the car (DH driving) and she started to go MAD. Apparently during a conversation I had dictated when he could go out and come back (with an old friend) and I hadn't! I know the conversation he's talking about. They were taking the piss saying I would and I was laughing... but I didn't say a word. And all the home he called me vile, drunk, a bitch etc.. (with our daughter in the back of the car who we just picked up from a sitter to bring home.)

We got in, put DD to bed and it escalated. He screamed at me, I proclaimed innocence, He pushed me, I tried to kick him. We ended up having a full out physical fight.

He left. I wrenched the keys out his hand and he stepped out the door.

I locked it.
Jesus christ.

What do I do now?? I'm already in pain. (now more. Have a perfect hand bruise on my chest.)

OP posts:
threeleftfeet · 04/04/2012 11:45

" I really really can't imagine having a life without him."

I used to feel this way about my ex. We were together 10 years, and were very much in love for most of it. But he was no good for me for one reason and another. Sadly I hung on long after it was obvious the relationship was over (I should have walked when he hit me, for example).

Now, I can't imagine a life with him. Thank god that's in the past!

It is hard to imagine, but a possible future without him can exist, you will make it.

FWIW I have a lovely DP now who would never call me names, or undermine me, or hit me (even rarely!). I couldn't have imagined him back then, but he definitely does exist now!

Ephiny · 04/04/2012 11:46

The financial situation sounds a bit worrying - do you not have access to any money of your own? No joint account? You need to get that sorted ASAP - get some advice in real-life about what your options are.

threeleftfeet · 04/04/2012 11:46

Do you know what you want to say to him?

Do you know what you want to get out of the conversation?

threeleftfeet · 04/04/2012 11:46

Is your house rented or owned?

sunshineandbooks · 04/04/2012 11:47

I am really alarmed by the fact that his behaviour has come at a point where you have just given up your job. And also the mention that your friends are his friends. Not that there's anything wrong with either of those things by themselves, but in light of his recent behaviour it falls into an absolutely classic model of isolating a woman so that she has no defence against her abuser. My big fear is that he will leave this until such point you are heartbroken and panicked that it is over and then he will come back. At that point you will be so relieved you will sweep all this under the carpet, and for a while everything will be more perfect than normal. But an important line has just been drawn and crossed.

Please, please get some support around you and take some time to really think about this.

swallowedAfly · 04/04/2012 11:47

if you do take this man back you definitely need to sort out the level of financial control he has. i find it worrying that his first violent outburst occurs soon after you giving in work and becoming more dependent on him.

Original poster
namechangeforthis100 · 04/04/2012 11:48

Dowager - I know that it was terrible to have this argument in front of DD. I feel so guilty about it. I'm letting her have disney junior all day and every toy out. But in the grand scheme of things I think her life will be much much better if her dad is in it.

Pullupapew - he hasn't blamed me for it. He hasn't even addressed it. He blames me for embarassing him in the pub. Other than that he hasn't really spoken to me. And I hit him too. (and it has never happened before.)

OP posts:
doctordwt · 04/04/2012 11:49

Wow.

He is a shit.

Please stop and think. I am so sad reading what you've written about how much you love him, how you are nothing without him, how you will beg for a man who's capable of treating you and his daughter like this to come home...

...when what we see is a man who verbally and physically attacks his sick, recently miscarried wife, because he's embarrassed at his manchild friends making snide comments at him being a grown up. He lets that kind of childish, misogynistic banter actually enrage him to the point at which he attacks you.

And then he disappears (worships his daughter, does he? Err -no, it would seem) and now wants to handle it by blaming you.

Please get in touch with his parents and inform them that he physically attacked you. Please let all your friends know.

I hope to goodness your RL friends are right now pointing out that you are worth ten of him, that no, you don't need him, that although you may not see it now you've dodged an absolute bullet, if you break up. I hope you do split, for both you and your daughter's sake.

Please don't focus on how wonderful he is and how out of character this is when the facts are that no, he's not wonderful because a wonderful man - even an adequate man - simply would never have done this.

sunshineandbooks · 04/04/2012 11:51

You don't have to be with her dad for him to be an active parent.

A man who abuses his wife is guilty of abusing his child, especially SS are very clear on this. Just because the child isn't the direct target does not mean they don't suffer. And allowing them extra treats to make up for any fear/harm caused simply sets up a pattern where the child can end up associating pain with pleasure and may end up seeking to remodel that in their own future relationships. Obviously that's not going on here yet, but this is something that needs very careful monitoring.

threeleftfeet · 04/04/2012 11:52

Before you speak to him it might be worth doing this so you know what your rights are.

Relationship breakdowns - your housing rights

Goawaybob · 04/04/2012 11:53

You know - turn your computor off, go and have a bath, do anything but be here, my head is spinning from it all and im just reading it.

WAit until you have sat and spoken to him, is he at work now? Come back if you need support, we are all here, but riht now i think you need to clear your head.

Original poster
namechangeforthis100 · 04/04/2012 11:53

threeleftfeet - We own (but are in the process of selling.)

Ephiny - It's just a recent thing. Usually he pays all the house bills out of his account and out of my salary I did the food / any shopping / DD's activities and petrol and stuff. But since I've just left work he was just transferring money to me. We were going to just have me named on his account / get a joint account or something like that, but hadn't sorted it yet. We've never had a joint account for bills before because my salary is so insignificant comared to his (I earned a truly pitiful amount, honestly, it was almost like working for free!) that it seemed pointless to even transfer some of it when we could just split things the way we did.

I don't know what he's going to say, but I just want to tell him to come home.

OP posts:
everlong · 04/04/2012 11:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

doctordwt · 04/04/2012 11:54

You didn't embarrass him in the pub though, did you?

And even if you did, how is that relevant to the discussion? The only way you could link the two events is if he is saying something along the lines of 'it happened because you embarrassed me in the pub' - yes, that's blaming you, isn't it?

And you didn't have an argument in front of your DD, he started verbally abusing you using the most hideous language in front of her, in the car, where you couldn't leave.

And from what I can work out, you hit out at him because he attacked you first. That's called self defence, isn't it?

Please start seeing things clearly. The tone of your posts make me think that the most likely scenario here is that you live with a bully, and minimising and excusing his behaviour is a part of your life, and the problem here is that minimising and excusing actually won't cut it. I hope I am off beam and apologise if I am. But seriously, I am so concerned at how focused your posts are on your losing a brilliant partner, rather than the fact that your husband has verbally and physically attacked you in front of your daughter.

threeleftfeet · 04/04/2012 11:54

Are you named as an owner of the house?

doctordwt · 04/04/2012 11:55

'Why are most of you putting your feelings into what she should do.'

  • because he attacked her in front of her daughter
Original poster
namechangeforthis100 · 04/04/2012 11:56

threeleftfeet - yes, its a joint mortgage (got it when I was working too)... but if I left I couldn't do the payments. Any of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
namechangeforthis100 · 04/04/2012 11:57

doctor - nothing physical happened in front of my DD... just arguing in the car.

I understand that people often say things like this and minimise behaviour, but honestly, this is SO out of character.

OP posts:
threeleftfeet · 04/04/2012 11:59

"Why are most of you putting your feelings into what she should do."

Because many of us recognise something familiar in the situation. Many of us have lived through violent situations or put up with arsehole men, and made excuses for them, which seemed reasonable at the time but in retrospect were very warped! Because when we finally got away from them it became obvious what a waste of time it was. Also it's incredibly damaging to your self-esteem to accept this kind of behaviour.

And also because when I was in that situation myself, I appreciated people taking the time to talk to me about it.

An because it's not OK for someone to hit you, and sometime we need reminding of that!

The OP knows her husband and can make her own mind up. But she asked, and we are trying to help!

What would you do?

Original poster
namechangeforthis100 · 04/04/2012 11:59

Goawaybob - I know I should. But I can't. I've got to be in here for DD (got very flimsy shelving unit she keeps trying to climb!) so I might as well be on here. Otherwise I'll just sit and text him. And I'm trying not to.

OP posts:
threeleftfeet · 04/04/2012 12:01

If it's completely out of character then do you think he could actually be having some kind of breakdown (unlikely but worth exploring).

If so then you should consider calling a doctor.

everlong · 04/04/2012 12:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AbigailAdams · 04/04/2012 12:03

Why are people wanting the OP to stay with a violent man. One who is refusing to take responsibility? Would you want this relationship for yourself or your daughters?

TrophyEyes · 04/04/2012 12:04

Namechange, social services take domestic abuse VERY seriously indeed. By abusing you, he is, by default, abusing your DD.

I also agree with everything DoctorDWT said at 11:54.

everlong · 04/04/2012 12:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.