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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Just had the biggest fight with DH... he hit me, I hit him...

682 replies

namechangeforthis100 · 04/04/2012 00:57

I've spent the whole of yesterday at the hospital... quite a long time after a miscarriage it turns out (joy) I've got an infection. I'm in agony. I feel shit. All my friends are pregnant.. I'm just having a very shit time.

I decided to get stuff organised.. sort of nights out etc to keep us busy and tonight we went out with about 10 of our best friends for a meal (a lot are shift workers from our hey day hence the tuesday random night)...

I have been in quite a lot of pain and on painkillers... but was without and just slowly drinking wine this evening.. The night went great and we all agreed to meet again next week.

We got in the car (DH driving) and she started to go MAD. Apparently during a conversation I had dictated when he could go out and come back (with an old friend) and I hadn't! I know the conversation he's talking about. They were taking the piss saying I would and I was laughing... but I didn't say a word. And all the home he called me vile, drunk, a bitch etc.. (with our daughter in the back of the car who we just picked up from a sitter to bring home.)

We got in, put DD to bed and it escalated. He screamed at me, I proclaimed innocence, He pushed me, I tried to kick him. We ended up having a full out physical fight.

He left. I wrenched the keys out his hand and he stepped out the door.

I locked it.
Jesus christ.

What do I do now?? I'm already in pain. (now more. Have a perfect hand bruise on my chest.)

OP posts:
threeleftfeet · 04/04/2012 11:24

Do you think he tells them you won't let him out maybe?

It's not painting him or his friends in a good light tbh. Their running joke is at your expense and your DD's Sad

Goawaybob · 04/04/2012 11:24

He needs to make a choice really doesn't he - wanker nerd friends or his family. His friends sound vile, are they single? probably .

Goawaybob · 04/04/2012 11:24

They are probably jealous of him truth be told

WorriedBetty · 04/04/2012 11:24

Please don't think I am excusing, I am just trying to find an understanding way through if there is one possible - Miscarriage is a terrible thing for a couple -two friends of mine had this happen to them and the husband went into several months of silence, yes I know that this was a poor way for him to deal with it, but that and her obvious but desperately hidden distress eventually caused a chasm they couldn't get over.

In your case, he may have been hurting so much that he didn't really know what he was doing, saying or the effect - fear does create anger in men I feel - men who are scared in a pub end up getting defensive etc.. WE see this in soaps all the time when men trash rooms because they are so distressed and angry.

That said, I would still agree that it is unacceptable and needs to be dealt with. I really feel for you and I'm sorry to hear about this.

threeleftfeet · 04/04/2012 11:27

in the soaps? Really?!! Hmm

Original poster
namechangeforthis100 · 04/04/2012 11:27

It does piss me off, but its usually in quite a light hearted way. His friends are my friends (one of them is my brother actually.)

He's never reacted to it like this before.

Thats it. I can't text and call anymore. He is just not replying. I actually think its over. It is. He's not going to come back. This is so out of character. In a normal silly argument I would just stop talking and hug him, or pick up DD and put her face next to his face or just something stupid and it would be over there and then. This is ridiculous. I think I've actually lost him.

OP posts:
threeleftfeet · 04/04/2012 11:28

Sorry I expect you are trying to help, as we all are. But the soaps are really not a great indicator of what y'know, real people are like.

WorriedBetty · 04/04/2012 11:28

sorry, I am just trying to say that anger as a reaction to fear (of rejection/disapproval?) is known about.

Original poster
namechangeforthis100 · 04/04/2012 11:29

They are mostly single. Except my brother, he's just got out of a very serious relationship (with two kids) and straight into a rebound one.

OP posts:
ike1 · 04/04/2012 11:30

Start right now accepting it. Look after your physical health first. Then get our finances in order..its really important.

Original poster
namechangeforthis100 · 04/04/2012 11:31

I just realized that if anyone who knows me reads this, it's so obvious who I am.

DH knows I love coming on here and reading the pregnancy threads, I sort of half hope he'd check to see if I'd written something. (but of course he wouldn't.)

OP posts:
ike1 · 04/04/2012 11:32

your finances...its so important to know you can cope independently..

Original poster
namechangeforthis100 · 04/04/2012 11:33

It sounds so sappy and self pitying... but without him I have nothing. I've just left my job to be a full time mum and ttc stress free... He earns all the money now and I am totally reliant on him. If he doesn't come home (or put money in my account) then in a week tops I would be screwed.

OP posts:
Original poster
namechangeforthis100 · 04/04/2012 11:34

ike1 - I can't.

OP posts:
PullUpAPew · 04/04/2012 11:35

I said upthread if he minimised this a fraction it would be a massive sign.

He is not minimising but out and out blaming you. I would end the relationship, any relationship, at this point.

Goawaybob · 04/04/2012 11:36

Namechange YOU have done nothing wrong. If he leaves you, it is because he is a weak willed twat of a man who doesnt deserve you anyway. I dont believe he will leave, but this is dangerous as he is doing this to control you - all the texts and phone calls, he is lapping it up. just Stop, busy yourself, when he is ready to talk, make it clear that this will be the first and last time anything like this happens between you. If he still tries to put the blame on you, think very carefully, because it means he thinks he is justified and will probably do it again :(

threeleftfeet · 04/04/2012 11:36

(Sorry WorriedBetty I've got a thing against soaps! I'll shut up about it now!)

BalloonSlayer · 04/04/2012 11:36

"His friends are my friends (one of them is my brother actually.) "

I'd suggest you get straight on to your brother in that case. Tell him what happened, ask him if he remembers the same as you about the teasing conversation. See if he'll talk to your DH - if that's what you still want. Or at least get him on side.

Also I would call the police and show them your bruise.

Goawaybob · 04/04/2012 11:39

You do not have to let finances influence your decision, he is responsible for his DD just a much as you are. There are loads of women who, in your situation, have walked away from relationships and found it really tough to start, but in the long run are just fine, just fine, better than that happy and OK. If it comes to it, you too will be fine. You will need to rally support, friends, family etc, external help from women's aid etc, they can help you with benefits etc. Don't stay with him just because of the finances, that would be so wrong, for you and your DD

threeleftfeet · 04/04/2012 11:39

You don't have nothing. You have family and friends, your own guile, wit and resourcefulness and your lovely DD.

It may be hard to imagine but if this relationship is over, you will find a way.

Original poster
namechangeforthis100 · 04/04/2012 11:40

I wouldn't be staying just for finances. I want to stay. I want to sort it out. I really really can't imagine having a life without him. My poor DD... I just want so so much for him to call or text me or come home.

OP posts:
CremeEggThief · 04/04/2012 11:41

Wow. Your husband's behaviour this morning and his refusal to accept the blame, or any responsibility, are really not showing him in a good light. Please think very carefully about what you want and where you want things to go from here.

DowagersHump · 04/04/2012 11:43

The only person who is 'ruining your little family' is him. Apart from what he did to you, do you really want a man living with you who is screaming and swearing at you when your DD is a metre away? How do you think that will impact on her?

PullUpAPew · 04/04/2012 11:43

namechange you want to stay with a man who hits you and then blames you for it?

Original poster
namechangeforthis100 · 04/04/2012 11:44

He just text me saying he'll call me at lunch.

OP posts: