Just had the biggest fight with DH... he hit me, I hit him...

[namechangeforthis100]

I've spent the whole of yesterday at the hospital... quite a long time after a miscarriage it turns out (joy) I've got an infection. I'm in agony. I feel shit. All my friends are pregnant.. I'm just having a very shit time.

I decided to get stuff organised.. sort of nights out etc to keep us busy and tonight we went out with about 10 of our best friends for a meal (a lot are shift workers from our hey day hence the tuesday random night)...

I have been in quite a lot of pain and on painkillers... but was without and just slowly drinking wine this evening.. The night went great and we all agreed to meet again next week.

We got in the car (DH driving) and she started to go MAD. Apparently during a conversation I had dictated when he could go out and come back (with an old friend) and I hadn't! I know the conversation he's talking about. They were taking the piss saying I would and I was laughing... but I didn't say a word. And all the home he called me vile, drunk, a bitch etc.. (with our daughter in the back of the car who we just picked up from a sitter to bring home.)

We got in, put DD to bed and it escalated. He screamed at me, I proclaimed innocence, He pushed me, I tried to kick him. We ended up having a full out physical fight.

He left. I wrenched the keys out his hand and he stepped out the door.

I locked it.
Jesus christ.

What do I do now?? I'm already in pain. (now more. Have a perfect hand bruise on my chest.)

Really Boney. How do you interpret it then? You know rather than having a pop at me, why don't you be constructive to the OP and bless her with your words of wisdom.

Part of the point of a thread is to gauge opinion, and to ascertain whether your experiences are the 'norm'.

The OP wants to patch things up with her husband - but at the same time it is useful for her to be made aware that what has happened isn't her fault (and she started this thread, thinking perhaps that it half was) and that her dh is exhibiting behaviours which are not the 'norm'.

Being armed with knowledge about what is and isn't usual and the perspectives of people who are outside of this situation may help her to clarify her thinking and focus on where she wants to go next in her efforts to rebuild this relationship.

That is more supportive (in a long term sense) than just the tea and sympathy kind of support where people say 'okay hun, whatever you want' (in MN style)

Abigail, I would but you would just twist my words around.
besides everlong is saying what I would say and in a much better way.

OP I've been following your thread since it started but haven't had reason to post yet. I just wanted to ask - do you feel that your DP is sorry enough? Does he seem to understand? If he doesn't is that perhaps why you still feel sad, because it doesn't feel like he's recognised what he did or does it feel like he is blaming you?

I just ask because I think it's possible for someone outside the situation to interpret his actions/words either way, that he is abusive, or that he has behaved terribly but is worth giving the benefit of the doubt.

But whether he genuinely understands how awful it was of him not just the hitting/pushing but the way he spoke to you in front of your DD and also to treat you like this when you were ill I think is important.

Has he expressed a willingness to seek treatment for depression?

Whatmeworry - did you read the same post as the rest of us?

Yup, been here since it was in AIBU. And I nearly totally agree with everlong.

And I think thats ome of the other people here have big agendas, and raeding this page are still pushing their agendas despite what the OP has written as an update. Hence I think she can safely ignore them.

OP, I have been following this from the start but not had a chance to post, nor did I know what to say...

I do think your DH deserves a chance. I suffer from crippeling depression (just about fine atm though) and when I am at my lowest there is a realy feeling of hopelessness and anger. I have lashed out (but not managed to hit) at dh once. It is the pure deep depression, the feeling of sinking, not being able to get out of the mire. With my depression also comes a real feeling of anxiety, of being left out, of being looked down on. Which fuels the frustration.

So I can see how your dh felt set upon / laughed at. And if he is already depressed then this would have felt worse to him than it would have otherwise.

I am not expressing myself very well.

What I want to say is is that your dh's story about depression could very well be why he lashed out. And that instead of frogmarching him down to the police for a one off out of control incident you should both be working towards getting him help.
So I am pleased you are standing by him.
It is understandable you are sad about what has happened, you would not be human if yhou were not. But together you can work on this.

Time will tell, but for now it looks to me like your relationship is worth working on.

Good luck.

Op, u still feel like shit because u have been through a major physical and emotional ordeal, firstly with the miscarriage and then with the awful fight with ur h. U will feel better, give it time. I understand why you are giving him the benefit of the doubt (although I would have liked to hear about more apologising, begging and groveling on his part). I hope it all works out for u and the amazing h you know is the real man and this was a disgusting depression/grief induced one off. All I would say op, is please spend some time thinking about what u will do if it happens again. Hopefully it won't but it wouldn't hurt to have a plan of action, ie. Some money saved, somewhere to stay etc. The benefit of the doubt only works once, if it happens again it will never stop. Let's hope he has something extravagant planned tonight to attempt to start making up for it. Good luck

not sure what your problem is with me Boney, but can you not address me again on this thread please as you are just being unpleasant.

Ok well see how it goes then...just please think about yourself and your DD first..thats so important because it seems that is exactly what your other half will do. Get yourself a little pot of money together over a period of time and think about who or where you could stay if needed. Also check out your financial standing in the case of needing to be independent.

Unbelievable that there is still bitching going on. I really am shocked at the the level of vitriol right from the off, the eyebrow raising, FFS, namecalling, denegration of others opinions, -disgraceful and SAD. Leave folk to give advice that is well meant and if you disagree might I politely suggest doing it with humour /constructively. Menz indeed pah!!

I have no agenda (beyond wanting to see the OP safe and happy).

I recognise that she doesn't want to leave her husband, but I think it's wrong to say to her that he sounds sorry and ashamed, because I am genuinely not picking up on that. From her recent post, I think he is still blaming her. He said he was ashamed, but when she was trying to contact him he was just getting 'madder'.

I don't think he sounds anywhere near sorry enough and I would be wary of skirting over the negative in order to reinforce/support what the OP wants, but which might not ultimately be the wisest course.

I think that staying is entirely her choice, but should be done from a position of full knowledge about what he should be saying and doing right now, so she can compare that to what he actually is saying and doing.

I do apologise for the hun comment though. I think we have differing views on what constitutes the 'right' support for the OP, but I do recognise that you are genuinely trying to help her as you see fit and I was rude. sorry

really abigail? Its a public forum if you don't like what I post report me, I'm sure that MNHQ will delete it if they think that I am having a go at you.

You requested a reply and I gave you one, you don't like it fine, but I will post and reply to who I like.

When I say he will do it, I mean he will look after himself first, clearly. That was his main concern in the conversation ...His depression, his upset about being ribbed-get my drift. Anyhoo of course you are entitled to accept the reasons as sound-just think about the little security fund that is yours and DDs x

Oh and for those of you who are concerned about the 'menz' (lord above!) issue in my post, I would say the same if this was a same sex relationship and the poster was being treated like this by their partner-got me? Good.

Namechange yes I realised that. What I meant though is that he seems to think that if he gives you one evening of - I dunno, flowers and chocs, sweet talk and grovelling, hot bedroom antics or whatever he's got planned - he seems to think that will make everything OK. And it kind of came across as though he thinks he can then draw a line under everything, which doesn't account for the fact that you might not yet be ready to do that and might (very reasonably!) expect some more long-term effort to change from him.

I totally agree with everything yousankmybattleship has said.

OP, I believe you have done the right thing in talking to your husband and that you will both learn from this and talk much more, even if it is about sadness. I think sometimes we don't share our feeling of sadness with those closest to us.

oh and for what its worth, I too would want to cling to the person that was agreeing with me regarding the path I should take, especially if I was run down emotionally and physically and unable to see the wood for the trees. Particulary if it was the path of least resistance.

However does not mean that is is the BEST advice on offer, in time the OP will be able to view things more clearly. Anyhoo there is a veritable smorgasboard of advice on here for when she is ready to look further down the line from where she is now.

Hi Op, glad you came back!

I really do hope you and your DH can sort this out. It does seem to me perfectly possible for grief and depression to make people behave in a way that they wouldn't usually.

Good luck.

ps Everlong, I think you've been great!

Having tried to read most of this, I cant quite get that he has gone from a supportive husband, to what he did, including calling the op vile names in the car, with her dd also in it.
And he isnt that remorseful.Behindlocknumbernine might have the right answer.If not there might be something else going on, dont know what.

....Well if we are championing folk I would like to say that I think most of the people on here have given very generously and kindly whatever their views.

..some though have been a bit spikey....

Sorry ike1. didnt mean to "champion" anybody. Just meant that he may well have a deep depression that the op didnt notice.sorry if that didnt come across properly in what i wrote.

I would agree with that too Ike1. It shows the best of MN in the range of opinion, straight talking and kindness of posters. 've seen so many people helped over the years on here and I think its a fabulous support network.

Its a shame when the spikey-ness begins to get in the way of that support.

Someone posted above: "I think he's a lucky man to have wife that can show the depth of forgiveness that you are showing and I really hope that he deserves it."

That makes me feel a little ick. All very Stepford wives. Never mind that he is showing no remorse. Utterly. Baffling.

I would hazard a guess OP, that you don't feel much better purely because throughout all of this your amazing DH has shown that he isn't that amazing, he has betrayed your trust and crossed a line from which it is very difficult to go back from. And from now on you must be Stepford submissive wife or face the not very pleasant conseqences - you know his potential now - and so next time you are part of a group where his friends are taking the piss out of him, you will be thinking "oh god, he's going to kick off again", or even worse, you will just start staying in, not having your glass of wine, because it is easier . It's an awful place to be realising that someone who you thought was amazing is actually not that amazing.

I hope you are OK