Just had the biggest fight with DH... he hit me, I hit him...

[namechangeforthis100]

I've spent the whole of yesterday at the hospital... quite a long time after a miscarriage it turns out (joy) I've got an infection. I'm in agony. I feel shit. All my friends are pregnant.. I'm just having a very shit time.

I decided to get stuff organised.. sort of nights out etc to keep us busy and tonight we went out with about 10 of our best friends for a meal (a lot are shift workers from our hey day hence the tuesday random night)...

I have been in quite a lot of pain and on painkillers... but was without and just slowly drinking wine this evening.. The night went great and we all agreed to meet again next week.

We got in the car (DH driving) and she started to go MAD. Apparently during a conversation I had dictated when he could go out and come back (with an old friend) and I hadn't! I know the conversation he's talking about. They were taking the piss saying I would and I was laughing... but I didn't say a word. And all the home he called me vile, drunk, a bitch etc.. (with our daughter in the back of the car who we just picked up from a sitter to bring home.)

We got in, put DD to bed and it escalated. He screamed at me, I proclaimed innocence, He pushed me, I tried to kick him. We ended up having a full out physical fight.

He left. I wrenched the keys out his hand and he stepped out the door.

I locked it.
Jesus christ.

What do I do now?? I'm already in pain. (now more. Have a perfect hand bruise on my chest.)

Well, I don't think him going to the police station is going to help as what we both want is to just get past this and feel happier. I wouldn't want him to eaither.. I've been googling about depression and the thing is, moving, me leaving my job, trying to have a baby, having a mc, all big changes and can be very stressful.. and depression can manifest itself as frustration and anger. I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt at the moment.

If he's truly feeling down, then how is my continued anger snd hurt going to help him? But I imagine my forgiveness and support will...

And, he is going to try too.

Namechange, glad you came back. I think you still feel upset because he hasn't really apologised unreservedly. In addition there is no explanation as to why he picked a fight with you over something you never said. He has basically said he hit you because he was pissed off with his mates taking the mickey. That's why you still feel like shit.

Those changes would make you depressed, not him.

He was violent, not just frustrated and anger. Violence is a choice.

You both need to realise that relationships and just life itself re full of frustration disappointment sadness and compromise. If you use physical violence every time you encounter a rough patch your life will be one long battle. You cannot just lash out and hit each other and then try and pick out aspects of your relationship to excuse it.

namechange I'm glad you posted back and I'm sorry you're not feeling that much better.

I'm concerned that your DH is still making excuses for his behaviour but it's not my place to tell you how to run your life or your marriage. Just listen to your instincts and follow them. I hope you feel better soon and that things improve, but whatever happens from this point on, MN is here for you if you need it.

Good luck

Also agree with Nyac about the depression. You have far more reason than him to be depressed.

yes, good luck

If he was upset at his friends taking the piss out of them, why didn't he hit one of them so hard that he left a handprint bruise on them. Apart from the obvious fact that they wouldn't put up with it and would either hit back or call the police. He's picking on the most defenceless person.

of course you wont feel better just yet

You are grieving for your MC, you have been ill and had the worlds worst ever fight

allow yourself to feel shit, and cry. This will pass, but you can expect to bounce back fast

good luck, and dont feel like you have to forgive him straightaway

he really hurt you, and you are within your rights to still be upset and wary, he needs to earn you back

namechangeforthis100 I have not posted on your thread as I dont feel qualifiel but I have read all of it and I wanted to add that if in the furure you ever need any help I suspect I live very near to you and would gladly be there although I obviously sincerely hope you never do.

I'm not surprised you feel like crap.

'He has basically said he hit you because he was pissed off with his mates taking the mickey. That's why you still feel like shit.'

This ^^

I'm so sorry.

Very glad you are putting ttc on hold.

It still seems to be all about him and his needs and feelings . Agree with Nyac, and I think I mentioned this earlier, despite his 'feeling down' he somehow managed to restrain himself from hitting or shoving his male friends, which makes it difficult to believe he was unable to show the same self-control with you. He managed not to hit or shove you in public when your brother and friends were present, he had the presence of mind to wait until you were alone in the house except for a small child.

I wouldn't be running around after him trying to 'get him to the doctor'. If he feels he may have a problem with depression or another mental health issue that is making him violent, he needs to take responsibility for getting medical treatment and convincing you that he is safe to be around.

I doubt you see it this way though. I wish you all the best either way though, and hope you'll come back if you need to talk about any issues in the future.

Hm.

Sorry to sound a bit pessimistic, but that's not much of an apology for verbally and then physically assaulting you.

It could be a start, but it sounds like he is still blaming you for various things - for the ribbing (which was NOT you anyway!), for you being "too down to talk to him", for you texting him yesterday which "made him stay angry"... none of which seems like a very good excuse.

Also a bit concerning that the outcome seems to be YOU promising forgiveness and support and saying "I suppose I'll have to make him go to the doctor" (sorry, not exact quotes). If he was that bothered by what he did, surely he would make himself go, and take some other positive steps himself (without any "making" from you).

He is also "telling" you you will "be happy and forgive him" after tonight. Isn't that something you should get to decide, not him?

Just make sure that he has really taken responsibility for his own actions here - otherwise this really could be the start of a nasty spiral...

(Have namechanged by the way, it's Inigo)

Nasmechage, I do agree with those pointing out that he didn't hit the people who annoyed him, but the person most dependent upon him and therefore the one he's most likely to get away with it with. I think if you can make him understand that part of it and how unacceptable it is, then you have a chance of getting this properly sorted out. If he can't see that or won't, then you're in trouble.

Hope things go well for you. Remember though, lots of abusers turn up with flowers and chocolates after the event.

MyNameIsAnEggBunnyToYa - That wasn't a way of him saying 'You WILL forgive me', it was him telling me that he is going to try to completely make this up to me. I think.

I'm glad you came back - everyone here really does want you to be happy, even though we might have differing opinions on how you will best achieve that.

I think you started the conversation really well with your dh - you didn't let him set the agenda, and that was good. I don't think this conversation is done yet - I think that you and he are going to need to revisit the discussion until such time as you feel you have addressed all that is on your mind. Don't let him get out of this by saying that you are raking it up, (which he might do). If you don't sort it all out now, it will be like a festering wound and you will never feel completely 'right' again.

What I take from your conversation is him feeling jealous of your brother's 'freedom' from his ex and children. That's not at all good and I would seriously advise you against ttc with a partner who is feeling that way. If he is genuinely suffering from depression, then it's not the ideal time to have a new baby. You could find yourself becoming a single mother to two dc.

I am also very concerned that he hasn't apologised unreservedly and got more and more annoyed at your trying to contact him. Those are not normal reactions from someone who is deeply ashamed of their actions. He has put the blame back on you for drinking more than he would like (over a week and a half?). what you drink is really your business and he has no right to control that.

What it comes down to, is him feeling pissed off at his lack of freedom and his mate's pisstaking and has taken it out on you.

You know, you do have a right to drink a bit too much for a couple of weeks, if you so desire and to go out with your mates and not be at his beck and call to listen to him whenever he wants. You are allowed to have your own problems too and not have him assault you because you weren't paying sufficient attention to him.

I think you know all this deep down, which is why you feel unsatisfied with how the conversation went. So you need to say to him that actually you don't think that his 'depression' excuses his behaviour at all, that you are unhappy with how the conversation went and why.

Good for you OP.

I think you are on the right track and can safely ignore the All Menz R Bastardz coven on this board.

Also, absolutely bloody sick-making that presumably his idea is to make some grand gesture - a gift, flowers, taking you out/on holiday etc. -some event or thing he has planned will make it all ok and make you think he is wonderful. And he is pleased with that and thinks it's an appropriate response.

When actually the real things that would have made a difference - apologies, behaving appropriately yesterday - you weren't even supposed to be left alone?!! - FFS!! - he has withheld. Or, not even seen that that's the important stuff.

How utterly sickeningly patronising and inadequate.

Yes, of course you are upset. I would steel yourself, because I imagine his 'ta-dah!' tonight is only going to upset you more, as it's going to show you just how poles apart you are on the important stuff, the stuff that relationships should be made of. Hey, it's fine to leave a hand-shaped bruise on you, because just look at this massive box of chocs.

Whatmeworry - did you read the same post as the rest of us?

'He has basically said he hit you because he was pissed off with his mates taking the mickey. That's why you still feel like shit.'

talk about twisting words.

OP. I'm really pleased for you that things seem to be settling down and you can work together to build up the trust again. It cannot be an instant fix, but hopefully you can begin to move forward.

I don't think the people who have said you have more reason to be depressed are being helpful. Depression isn't about how many reasons someone has to feel down, it is a chemical imbalance in the brain. It is an illness and not anybody's fault. If he really has depression then he needs to talk to your GP.

You are a very loving and supportive wife and I hope that when you are past this horrible stage he will appreciate you and cherish you a bit more!

Whatmeworry - no, all Menz are not bastards. That's the point, isn't it? That actually, you should expect more from the human being you've chosen to spend your life with? That they should be capable of a normal, loving set of responses to stressful situations?

I expect more from my DH than the bag of shit OP has been handed by hers, because I think he's great. He's a great person and that's why I'm pleased to be his partner and pleased he's my DD's dad.

I would expect that the majority of women speaking out in horror at this bloke's behaviour are doing so from a position of loving and respecting the good men in their lives. They're shocked because they aren't numbed by years of making excuses for shitheads, and they don't like to see anyone else told that that's kind of ok and hardly surprising where MENZ are concerned.

How is it anything but insulting and demeaning to men in general to shrug and say that lowlife cruelty and emotional stupidity is basically what's to be expected?