Wow - that was a lot to read..
Sorry for the absence, we talked a long time last night and then this morning had a dog related nightmare and had to rush out before I had a chance to log on.
Thankyou for all the replies, I know that many don't agree with my take on things or the way I'm going about it, but to be honest, last nights conversation could have gone anyway so I truly am very glad of all the advice. (everlong - your defense of my stance makes me want to hug you..)
DD went down easy thank god and the first thing DH did was try to hug me, which I resisted. He didn't start with sorry, but tried to talk about what had happened in the pub. I said that I didn't want to talk about that, but about him, and that actually, at the moment I barely even recognize who you are. My DH would never behave that way, hurt me, leave, stay out all night, ignore me... especially when I was ill and looking after DD... he then said that basically, he is really down. His friends, and in particular my brother with his new found freedom after the break down of his relationship (gf and two kids) has just led them to rib him about it / me / being under the thumb ALL the time. I've been drinking a lot (which I suppose I have, but also been feeling pretty shit about the baby and feeling ill that at the end of the day, a glass of wine is literally my savior, but for the past week and a half it has been most evenings and a couple of big nights out.) and because I've either been busy, or out, or looking after DD, or feeling down myself, he hasn;t been able to talk to me.
Tuesday night, he admits, got completely out of hand, and he was just so angry, and that anger lasted for much of yesterday. He said he felt ashamed all day about hitting me and that was why he didn't want to reply, and the fact I kept on and on and on and he didn't know what to say about it just made him madder. He said of course he is sorry, and shoudn't have ignored me all day, specifically when my doctor had prescribed me rest and not being left alone until they get my blood results back.
It's not the best excuse, but it's an excuse. I have to try to deal with this I suppose by making him go to his GP and talk about being down?
I know that this mc has knocked me for six. I was so sure eveything would be fine (and my sister in law is pregnant, and we would have had due dates 2 weeks apart, two of my close friends would have had babies born within the same 2 month period and it just all felt so perfect.) and I suppose I didn't really think that much about DH being down. Straight after we were both sad but I suppose that once that initial sadness went away and just a sort of dissapointment and depression lingered (worsened by how ill i've been subsequently). I thought DH was fine, but he's not, and especially upset by my decision to not actively try for a few months. (and after this maybe a tad longer.)
He has gone to work today and has promised me that after tonight (no idea what he has planned), I'll be happy and I'll forgive him.
I feel a bit shit about it all to be honest. I think I thought that after our talk everything would go back to normal and I wouldn't be upset anymore, but I still do. I tried to take DD to an afternoon playgroup, drove 45 minutes around backstreets of Epsom trying to find it and when I eventually did (down a private road!) it was shut. So I just sat in the park and cried in my car.
I'm hoping things will improve. I suppose plan of action is get DH to the doctor, try to talk things out, and just see how things go.