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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Just had the biggest fight with DH... he hit me, I hit him...

682 replies

namechangeforthis100 · 04/04/2012 00:57

I've spent the whole of yesterday at the hospital... quite a long time after a miscarriage it turns out (joy) I've got an infection. I'm in agony. I feel shit. All my friends are pregnant.. I'm just having a very shit time.

I decided to get stuff organised.. sort of nights out etc to keep us busy and tonight we went out with about 10 of our best friends for a meal (a lot are shift workers from our hey day hence the tuesday random night)...

I have been in quite a lot of pain and on painkillers... but was without and just slowly drinking wine this evening.. The night went great and we all agreed to meet again next week.

We got in the car (DH driving) and she started to go MAD. Apparently during a conversation I had dictated when he could go out and come back (with an old friend) and I hadn't! I know the conversation he's talking about. They were taking the piss saying I would and I was laughing... but I didn't say a word. And all the home he called me vile, drunk, a bitch etc.. (with our daughter in the back of the car who we just picked up from a sitter to bring home.)

We got in, put DD to bed and it escalated. He screamed at me, I proclaimed innocence, He pushed me, I tried to kick him. We ended up having a full out physical fight.

He left. I wrenched the keys out his hand and he stepped out the door.

I locked it.
Jesus christ.

What do I do now?? I'm already in pain. (now more. Have a perfect hand bruise on my chest.)

OP posts:
sunshineandbooks · 05/04/2012 08:11

Morning namechange Hope you're ok and that last night's talk went well.

swallowedAfly · 05/04/2012 08:16

goodness, gracious me!

OP how are you? hope things went ok and you're safe and got some sleep.

anychocswilldo · 05/04/2012 08:41

Hope last night went well op

victorialucas · 05/04/2012 09:26

EEverlong- abuse is much more than just physical violence- it builds up over a long period of time. There are plenty of other red flags in op's account of her relationship than the physical violence. It isn't healthy and the more he wears her down emotionally and verbally the more vulnerable she is to physical violence.

Op- it is clear that you and DP want different things from this relationship. It is only going to get worse. Please don't inflict this on another innocent child.

porcamiseria · 05/04/2012 09:37

OP, good luck. and again I am sorry this thread has turned into a nest of vipers!

At the end of the day we do not know whats going on.

I sincerenly hope hope this is a one off down to grief over the MC

and if nothing else the posts have opended up the OPs eyes somewhat, so if anything happens again she is forewarned and armed....

I really get that alot of people here are posting from a good place, and that they dont want to see people go through what they did. But I think their natural anger at what happended to them can carry over in ther posting, and I think its quite dangerous

In fact I think the whole relationships section is concerning TBH

being a victim of a former abusive relationshop does NOT make any of us experts and I think people should remember that

peace....Thanks

yousankmybattleship · 05/04/2012 09:46

Good Morning OP. I hope things are looking brighter this morning. Don't forget you are the only person who can judge if your husband is someone you want to stay with. Of course you need to know he is sorry for what happened, but don't let people whose advice is tainted by their own bitterness or unhappiness spoil your chance of saving your marriage if that is what you want to do. Take things slowly and take care of yourself.

everlong · 05/04/2012 09:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ike1 · 05/04/2012 09:53

I dont see bitterness on this thread from those who have bravely shared their experiences. Or the stance of 'experts', they are people who out of a sense of humanity are reaching out to the OP in her time of need.

Houseofplain · 05/04/2012 09:55

Goodness. It's starting to be one clear why some people's advice and experiences are so limited. All day and night on mn? Over the Easter holidays too. Hmm

Goawaybob · 05/04/2012 09:55

yousank and porca - brilliant posts, finally some common sense!

OP, hope last night went well and you are feeling better

Goawaybob · 05/04/2012 09:56

Oh look HOP, youre here too, again

Whatmeworry · 05/04/2012 09:56

IMO some of the "advice" on this thread is disgraceful. Some of the people on here seem unhinged and wouldn't be able to manage a relationship with a saint, never mind a standard issue man.

everlong · 05/04/2012 09:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ike1 · 05/04/2012 09:57

This is an open public forum, people are made aware that advice is indeed not from experts...so the fact is you are receiving 'help' from Josephine Bloggs, for many that is the appeal. Best to get off the high horse and accept that sometimes folk have a difference of opinion.

Houseofplain · 05/04/2012 09:58

Ohh bob sorry just a flying visit. I can't be on from morning until night. Family you know. Did you ever make his dinner? I see you asked several questions after I asked you to pm me and take your three musketeers act of the thread?

swallowedAfly · 05/04/2012 10:01

if we're going down the discount those hysterical damaged women path it's worth bearing in mind not all of us who have been alarmed have had abusive relationships in the past.

and worth noting that some of the people minimising the violence are those who have perpetrated dv and abuse themselves and therefore have a vested interest in minimising it.

OP i hope you're ok. don't let the bickering put you off - i genuinely think most people here are just concerned and wanting to help. take what you need.

Goawaybob · 05/04/2012 10:02

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

ike1 · 05/04/2012 10:03

Blimey, 'unhinged' yes there has been differences of opinion but goodness me I certainly would not say that there has been 'unhinged' comments (I am sure that any truely 'insane' comments, as you suggest what, would be immediately removed).

swallowedAfly · 05/04/2012 10:03

wmw i don't think a 'standard issue man' hits women. i don't think it takes a saint not to hit his recently mc, unwell wife.

perhaps that's where the arguments come in - women who know men are perfectly capable of being decent human beings and women who think they're a bit shit generally so you should put up with things like violence Confused

yousankmybattleship · 05/04/2012 10:05

"and worth noting that some of the people minimising the violence are those who have perpetrated dv and abuse themselves and therefore have a vested interest in minimising it."

Excuse me? I hope you are not suggesting that some of us who are refusing to get in a froth about this and offering calm advice instead are in some way in cahoots with abusers. I don't think I've seen anyone on this thread who has said that the OP's husband's behaviour was ok. What some of us have said though is that doesn't necessarily make him some kind of dangerous, abusive monster.

ike1 · 05/04/2012 10:05

The saddest part of mn threads often is the bickering...

everlong · 05/04/2012 10:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

swallowedAfly · 05/04/2012 10:12

it's obvious what the op wanted. she wanted him to be sorry, devastated, apologetic as he should have been but he wasn't. better yet she'd want it not to have happened, but it did.

she isn't in a position to get what she wants - he holds the cards.

ike1 · 05/04/2012 10:15

...and that is exactly why other lovely ladies have stepped in to show the OP that she is not alone and that if she did choose to leave her life will be just fine, different, but fine.

sunshineandbooks · 05/04/2012 10:15

Why do you find the relationships board so worrying? Is it because so often the advice is to 'leave the bastard?' Why is that worrying if the man is indeed a bastard?

25% of women will be in an abusive relationship. That's a quarter of women. The vast majority of women who post on a relationships board will be doing so because they're unhappy and seeking advice or support. It stands to reason that victims of DV will probably be disproportionately represented on here. Therefore the advice to 'leave the bastard' will be very appropriate in a good many cases. IT doesn't mean that those giving the advice 'leave the bastard' are going round telling every woman in RL with a happy relationship that her husband is a twat and she should leave him because he left the toilet seat up.

For centuries women have put up with abuse because that's been the natural order of things. One thing that support groups, women's aid and even the internet have done is put victims of abuse in touch with other victims, instead of keeping them isolated the way their abusers have. What's come out of this and the research that's also been done is that abuse follows a pattern. An internet site that allows women to share this knowledge with others and so help a woman realise that actually this IS a big deal, it IS wrong and NO she DOES NOT have to put up with it, is a GOOD thing, not a worrying thing. If that means relationship breakdown is on the increase then I don't care. I'd rather see a rise in divorce than women forced up to suck up abuse. Of course, what I'd really like to see is a reduction in the number of abusers, which would solve all our problems, but as long as society continues to minimise abusive behaviour this isn't going to happen.