Just had the biggest fight with DH... he hit me, I hit him...

[namechangeforthis100]

I've spent the whole of yesterday at the hospital... quite a long time after a miscarriage it turns out (joy) I've got an infection. I'm in agony. I feel shit. All my friends are pregnant.. I'm just having a very shit time.

I decided to get stuff organised.. sort of nights out etc to keep us busy and tonight we went out with about 10 of our best friends for a meal (a lot are shift workers from our hey day hence the tuesday random night)...

I have been in quite a lot of pain and on painkillers... but was without and just slowly drinking wine this evening.. The night went great and we all agreed to meet again next week.

We got in the car (DH driving) and she started to go MAD. Apparently during a conversation I had dictated when he could go out and come back (with an old friend) and I hadn't! I know the conversation he's talking about. They were taking the piss saying I would and I was laughing... but I didn't say a word. And all the home he called me vile, drunk, a bitch etc.. (with our daughter in the back of the car who we just picked up from a sitter to bring home.)

We got in, put DD to bed and it escalated. He screamed at me, I proclaimed innocence, He pushed me, I tried to kick him. We ended up having a full out physical fight.

He left. I wrenched the keys out his hand and he stepped out the door.

I locked it.
Jesus christ.

What do I do now?? I'm already in pain. (now more. Have a perfect hand bruise on my chest.)

Good luck OP.

Is Nethuns closed for Fluffy wuffy Easter bunnikins or something? have they staged a MNHQ invasion? Is Justine tied up to the server or something?

OP, you had a non-violent relationship.

Not any more.

He has hit you HARD, just because he could, and when you were at the most vulnerable you could possible be. He's refusing to take any blame and will now add alcoholism to the list of reasons why he's entitled to shout at you and hit you. He is MANUFACTURING reasons to justify his assault of you.

I predict he will tell you that MN is another crime. Abusers hate MN.
I predict he takes naps too. For some reason wife beaters need more rest than other normal men

If, as far as he is concerned, you have the cheek to do anything other than admit full liability for all of the above and whatever amount of other BS he can manufacture, he will

(a) give himself permission to get intimidating with you, give you a look that means, 'Did you forget so soon what I did last time?'

or

(b) he will say that actually you are abusing HIM...

I reckon he will cite the not allowed to go out BS... that seems favourite. You will swear that this is not the case, he will state that ALL his friends are laughing at him because of it and it will escalate AGAIN.

The relationship you thought you had no longer exists. That was the pre-violence relationship. You are now in POST-Violence and that could be repeated any time he gives himself permission to do so.

The ONLY recourse you have is ZERO TOLERANCE. Only when he knows that he NEVER has the right to hit you and set foot in a room you are in until he apologises and takes SOLID steps to ensure it NEVER happens again.

YOU are the one in the driving seat here, he has committed a cardinal SIN in your marriage and until he has convinced you that he is UTTERLY horrified at his actions, he is a common or garden abuser and not entitled to steal oxygen from any room that is occupied by decent people.

I'm stunned too SaF by how incredibly blind people are on here.

And what is more strange is that these very same people would probably be on DV threads crying out how ridiculous and stupid it is that women don't leave abusive relationships.......baffling

Good Lord Hissy! What is wrong with the OP, who seems like an intelligent and level headed woman, wanting to believe the best of the man she loves? You sound like someone with a lot of personal baggage. Not helpful for someone looking for genuine advice.

Unfuckingbelievable :( So sad for you OP, sad that you couldn't receive the support that MN is renown for because people think that its their way or the highway.

I really hope that you manage to sort things out, don't be bullied and make it clear that you will not tolerate this in future. It has been a horrible couple of days for you and i hope that things improve.

At this rate this thread is going to get pulled and i for one apologise for any arguments that have detracted from the OPs plight. I do however stand by my stance that dv isn't ALWAYS what it seems and whilst it is essentially a deal breaker for most, couples can recover from it. Depending of course on the circumstances.

Hope dd settled quickly, one less stress when you are trying to talk

Looks like I'm bit late as maybe you've already had a chance to talk this out.
However I just wanted to say that once my H lost his temper when we were having an argument and when i tried to leave the room he pushed me so hard I flew across the kitchen and bashed into a metal high chair, had a massive lump on my arm and a bruise for weeks, which really upset me as it reminded me of my H being a fucking arse to me, but to be honest it was a one time thing, he lost his temper... straight away he was really apologetic and felt ashamed of what he done. I don;t think he knew how strong he was and how hard he pushed me... At the time I was considering leaving but no-one is perfect, people loose their tempers and do stupid things that they might regret for the rest of their lives...
Storming out is an easy escape and your H was really selfish to do so, but I do believe that you can work things out.
You know your H and you know if you can work it out...

Just caught up bit more.
Sorry...
Whatever you do do not take the blame
Good luck

I think if dd didn't settle quickly so that this man can tear a strip off his wife, verbally and physically, again, he might as well give his daughter a hand-shaped bruise on the chest too

I mean, why not ?

it's ok, isn't it ?

it gets them both where he wants them

special result for him

If he was deeply apologetic and ashamed of what he did, then I would think there was scope for repair here. But he's been a prick all day and has already started on her about her drinking a glass of wine, so seemingly not apologetic and ashamed.

We all want the OP to be supported, but that doesn't mean saying whatever she wants to hear - it might also involve pointing out that this is not looking at all good and trying to stop her from accepting all the blame for his behaviour, in an effort to get back on an even keel.

Part of support is telling her the truth in that she is not at fault - unfortunately, that means pointing out that her H is.

no one is calling the OP blind. she, unlike people on this thread, has a lot invested in this though and that will definitely skewer her vision. no one wants to believe this stuff is happening to them. no one wants to lose their home, partner, chance at another child etc. hence it generally taking a long time.

Err, no, I do not think you should be talking about you drinking a glass of wine, laughing in the pub, or any other imagined sin that he intends to drag up to justify his behaviour last night or today.

I suggest you make that very clear, if your talk is not to descend into him browbeating you. if he has a problem with that, perhaps point out that there is only one person of he two of you whose recent actions the police would be interested in. And it isn't you.

So after laying into you at lunch and disappearing again, giving you some more time to sweat when you wouldn't apologise and accept his version of events, he's back - at a time of his choosing, of course - to have another go. Presumably his focus will now be on a whole load of stuff you do 'wrong' - like having glasses of wine, and that will be the new excuse for his attack on you.

His attitude is frightening. If you have a mature, sensible conversation this evening I'll eat my hat. Please start examining this man and what he seems to have shown himself to be.

Eggy what a vile and unnecessary post.

Karma I agree with you that the OP's husband has behaved in an appalling way over the last couple of days. I think though that the OP has given the impression that she knows that but considers it out of character. There is nothing I have read in any of her posts that makes her sound like a naive victim. She wants to talk to a man she loves and get to the bottom of what is happening - is that really such a bad thing? Maybe I'm naive too, but better that than condemn people without knowing them.

Because I am a sad twat who has spent far too long on MN I have seen very many relationship threads. IME not all but many of the posters who say the woman has been over-reacting to an incident that I would say is abusive are the very same ones who accuse women of being stupid/bad mothers/complicit because they stay in abusive relationships.

I think that's what mcmooncup was referring to.

yousank I see some vile behaviour described on this thread, and it isn't mine

rarely post in relationships but to op hope things work out.. have to say tho I think his not being instantly seriously apologetic for hitting you is not a good sign. I think the issue you need to discuss is his hitting you , not what his friends say, not how much you drink not anything else - the rest is secondary. If he'd apologised straight away and been shocked at what he'd done then I'd probably be with everlong and few others saying its prob once off - but I dont' see how you could ever be comfortable with someone who'd hit you and not instantly see it for what it was.

And while I mightn't have put it way poster did few posts above re your DD, I would actually have worries - if he can lose his temper and hit you that hard could same thing happen if he's minding DD..

Anywya hope things go well

Hissy, drdwt and Sunshine have some pretty spot on observations. However there are some very defensive posters who ridiculously competitive in their advice giving..'I've been here since this morning' type of thing...sigh. Good luck OP I am so sorry but I think your gonna need it.

everlong - no, I don't.

Sorry, that was a bit short. I'll clarify. I think you are completely wrong in your take on the OP's relationship, although right about paying the OP the respect of listening to her. However, I haven't seen you blaming women for not leaving in threads where abuse is accepted as fact, so no, I don't mean you. But there is a definite trend that mcmooncup is referring to. Many of us recognise it.