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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Just had the biggest fight with DH... he hit me, I hit him...

682 replies

namechangeforthis100 · 04/04/2012 00:57

I've spent the whole of yesterday at the hospital... quite a long time after a miscarriage it turns out (joy) I've got an infection. I'm in agony. I feel shit. All my friends are pregnant.. I'm just having a very shit time.

I decided to get stuff organised.. sort of nights out etc to keep us busy and tonight we went out with about 10 of our best friends for a meal (a lot are shift workers from our hey day hence the tuesday random night)...

I have been in quite a lot of pain and on painkillers... but was without and just slowly drinking wine this evening.. The night went great and we all agreed to meet again next week.

We got in the car (DH driving) and she started to go MAD. Apparently during a conversation I had dictated when he could go out and come back (with an old friend) and I hadn't! I know the conversation he's talking about. They were taking the piss saying I would and I was laughing... but I didn't say a word. And all the home he called me vile, drunk, a bitch etc.. (with our daughter in the back of the car who we just picked up from a sitter to bring home.)

We got in, put DD to bed and it escalated. He screamed at me, I proclaimed innocence, He pushed me, I tried to kick him. We ended up having a full out physical fight.

He left. I wrenched the keys out his hand and he stepped out the door.

I locked it.
Jesus christ.

What do I do now?? I'm already in pain. (now more. Have a perfect hand bruise on my chest.)

OP posts:
everlong · 04/04/2012 19:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Goawaybob · 04/04/2012 19:20

Yes, no three pronged approach, i have too been on this thread since this morning - my original stance was to give the guy a chance to put this right, sadly, i think he has blown it. What i have tried to get across is that we should be supportin the OP not judging her, because she IS going to take this guy back,no matter what she reads here. Does that mean she is no longer deserving of support? Really???

Goawaybob · 04/04/2012 19:28

We all really need to agree to disagree here, hopefully the OP will return if she feels she needs support. I would suggest she starts a new thread;

sunshineandbooks · 04/04/2012 19:32

I think both sides of the debate have a point. IMO it is painfully obvious that this is an abusive relationship. I expect that if I were privy to the full details of their relationship history, I would easily pick up many other red flags, and I'd lay my mortgage on the likelihood that this won't be the end of things. However, everlong makes a valid point that the OP should be listened to. Having people tell her (the OP) that her perceptions are wrong and that she should do this, that or the other is to do to her what she is already experiencing from her H and will simply disempower her even more and render her even more unable to leave.

But - there is a difference in showing the OP another way of looking at things and telling her she is wrong. Most of us saying this is abusive behaviour are just trying to give the OP another (more accurate in our opinion) perception. We are most certainly not telling her she is stupid for not seeing it or weak for not acting on it. At least no one with an ounce of compassion and empathy is.

OP. One of the biggest favours you can do yourself in this situation is to trust your instincts. They led you to question your H's behaviour and post on here. And while there is disagreement about whether your H is an abuser, all of us to a single one are agreed that his behaviour last night was wrong. If you are determined to make another go of things with your H that's your right. But if, somewhere inside you a little voice or a feeling in your gut whispers that all is not right, please listen to it and seek support - ideally in RL but on here if need be. Good luck. Smile

Original poster
namechangeforthis100 · 04/04/2012 19:47

Houseofplain - I didn't call him and take the blame. I said I loved him and wanted to sort things out but I did not, and will not take the blame.

Sorting things out means just that. It doesn't mean accepting my lot.

I did call and text like crazy and beg him to come home, but that is because he and I usually have a wonderful, very fulfilling relationship and I have always been very happy, and aside from last night, I have never been massively upset by him and he's never laid a finger on me.

It was my choice to become a SAHM.. he was actually not that for it, thought I should keep my hand in at work as I worked in a very competitve role in TV.. but I wanted to be with my daughter and after ttc for a fair few months now, I just thought if I was less stressed out about work maybe I would have more success.

I really do appreciate all the replies and all the advice I've been getting. Last night and today I was in such a complete and utter mess that it felt like I was dreaming, and coming on here really helped me.

DH has come home and is giving DD a bath and putting her to bed. The second he got in the door I said that I didn't want to talk in front of DD, and so he just said hello and then started playing with her. When she goes to bed in about 20 minutes I'll sit down with him and go over everything...

I got a pretty huge hint of a problem though... I went to pour myself a glass of wine when he took DD (I am having a pretty stressful day!) and he said 'we're going to talk about THAT as well'. So apparently i'm drinking too much. And to be fair, this week I probably have been... so we'll see.

OP posts:
everlong · 04/04/2012 19:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pooka · 04/04/2012 19:55

Well picking on your wine drinking isn't exactly sending out signals of mortification and sorrow at behaviour...

Hope he 'gets' it and you get some resolution.

fedupofnamechanging · 04/04/2012 19:58

Don't let him walk all over you - it's not for him to say what you can and cannot drink.

He doesn't sound at all conciliatory - remember that he has left a bruise on you. He should be begging for forgiveness, not coming home with the idea that he can launch into the next round of criticism.

Wishing you the best x

vampiresdontsparkle · 04/04/2012 19:58

good luck and i hope you can sort it out.

yousankmybattleship · 04/04/2012 20:00

I'm really pleased for you that he's home OP and I hope you can sort things out in a way you are both happy with.

Lueji · 04/04/2012 20:00

Best wishes for the talk. :)

Tbh, as other pp I'm not very confident, but there's hope.

Remember that he should be apologising.

And be clear that nothing like this can never happen again. Drink or no drink.

Stay safe.

Dee03 · 04/04/2012 20:01

Good luck with the talk x

swallowedAfly · 04/04/2012 20:05

certainly feels cock sure doesn't he if he is instantly criticising you and setting the agenda for what to discuss.

good luck.

swallowedAfly · 04/04/2012 20:06

and yes, stay safe. as idiotic as it may sound to you even after last night take some basic precautions - like making sure you sit between him and the door and have a clear exit.

everlong · 04/04/2012 20:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Smurfy1 · 04/04/2012 20:07

I hope you guys can work it out x

swallowedAfly · 04/04/2012 20:09

yes but do try to be clear that when you say things like 'that doesn't sound like an abused woman' you betray incredible ignorance. what does an abused woman sound like? you think she's someone who slags off her partner, sees him for what he is, doesn't focus on his good points and downplay his bad? doesn't have low enough self esteem to think the bare modicum of part time decency equates to 'amazing'ness?

it's worth reflecting on why a poster said your advice was dangerous.

Goawaybob · 04/04/2012 20:11

We are all here for you OP, stand your ground, don't be bullied. Im having a glass of wine too, so cheers xxx

everlong · 04/04/2012 20:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

swallowedAfly · 04/04/2012 20:15

he's framing things right from the go - putting her on the backfoot over a glass of wine.

i'm stunned people are so blind.

anyway. enough for one day. doubt we'll be hearing from the OP any time soon as she'll be busy.

DashingRedhead · 04/04/2012 20:20

Good luck OP.

everlong · 04/04/2012 20:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Whatmeworry · 04/04/2012 20:26

Bah - typical Relationshuips thread - frothers in full howl. OP, you are coming across as totally rational, carry on as you are.

yousankmybattleship · 04/04/2012 20:26

Everlong, you sound very kind and supportive and I think you've actually read and understood what they OP has been saying rather than just dumping a load of your own issues on her.
OP you sound intelligent and thoughtful and I'm sure you have considered carefully how things should go from now on. I genuinely hope you can sort things out and get your happy marriage back on track.

anychocswilldo · 04/04/2012 20:30

I hope u can sort it all out op. Good luck

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