Just had the biggest fight with DH... he hit me, I hit him...

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I've spent the whole of yesterday at the hospital... quite a long time after a miscarriage it turns out (joy) I've got an infection. I'm in agony. I feel shit. All my friends are pregnant.. I'm just having a very shit time.

I decided to get stuff organised.. sort of nights out etc to keep us busy and tonight we went out with about 10 of our best friends for a meal (a lot are shift workers from our hey day hence the tuesday random night)...

I have been in quite a lot of pain and on painkillers... but was without and just slowly drinking wine this evening.. The night went great and we all agreed to meet again next week.

We got in the car (DH driving) and she started to go MAD. Apparently during a conversation I had dictated when he could go out and come back (with an old friend) and I hadn't! I know the conversation he's talking about. They were taking the piss saying I would and I was laughing... but I didn't say a word. And all the home he called me vile, drunk, a bitch etc.. (with our daughter in the back of the car who we just picked up from a sitter to bring home.)

We got in, put DD to bed and it escalated. He screamed at me, I proclaimed innocence, He pushed me, I tried to kick him. We ended up having a full out physical fight.

He left. I wrenched the keys out his hand and he stepped out the door.

I locked it.
Jesus christ.

What do I do now?? I'm already in pain. (now more. Have a perfect hand bruise on my chest.)

OP, it's obviously up to you what you want to do, but I would really advise you to get your financial situation sorted out - i.e. make sure you have access to the family money, not depending on him giving you a handout every week. Do you get child benefit paid into your account? You might not want to leave now, but if you never know what may happen in the future, and it doesn't sound like a great system anyway, even in a perfectly happy relationship.

Also if I were you I would not be TTC with him at the moment, this is not a good situation to bring another child into, and do you really want to be shoved around like that while pregnant? You probably think he wouldn't do it, but sadly domestic violence during pregnancy happens more than you might think.

Actually ephiany. Dv is actually most likely to start in pregnancy or escalate if currently going on. Hence why mws are so hot on it.......

All victims think their abusers are amazing....they are a drug, they can't live without them. Until one day, either they are killed, the partner is arrested or they can't live like it anymore, something wakes them up.

I actually cannot believe an op, which has so many obvious signs and some people are basically trying to say he isn't abusive and she should put up and shut up and see how it goes.

Has their been an mn invasion from nm or something?

The fact you have had violence in your relationship bob, makes your responses clearer in all honesty.

we do know what this man is like.

he's like a man who shouts and swears and abuses his wife for nothing in the constricted space of a car with his young dd trapped in the back.

he's the kind of man who hits his ill wife so hard in the chest he leaves a hand mark and then walks out, deletes her from facebook, ignores her texts etc.

he's the sort of man who then does not apologise or show any remorse or responsibility but only blames her and hangs up if she dares to point to his part in things.

we know a lot about this man. more than enough.

houseofplain - there have been a couple of threads recently with people encouraging women to stay with someone who has hit them and take responsibility for it. scarey stuff.

i hope it works out for you and i hope he doesnt convince you that youre to blame. It sounds like he felt humiliated by you laughing (agreeing) that hes not allowed out alone, even in jest, and its gone way way too far. Theres no excuse for it, and i really am not impressed by his lack of remorse. I think you need to be clear to yourself what you will accept from this man and what you will do if it happens again and make sure you find out what youre entitled to if you have to leave at some point. I know its horrible though. I really feel for you

It's just frightening. Swallowed. I'm certainly not going to tell op to leave, because she won't. I can see what stage she is at But I will tell her he will do it again. The lack of responsibility, remorse and compassion, is a key guarantee of that. Also the fact she will beg him to come back after doing that to her, there are no consequences.

If some people can plant that seed, hopefully she can ask for help when she is ready to say no more.

Definitely not looking a good idea to be TTC at a time like this then Houseofplain :(

everlong and others - I know we don't know this man, or the OP, and you don't get the full picture from posts on a forum etc. But it really, really doesn't sound like a healthy situation. Yes relationships can be salvaged after there's been violence, but the concerning thing here is not just that this incident has happened, but his reaction afterwards. She's doing all the begging and pleading and apologising. As far as we know, he hasn't even said he's sorry or acknowledged he's done anything wrong, or even asked if she's OK (despite knowing she was already ill and in pain, and that he might have injured her, and that she was looking after a small child on her own). There is more going on here than things just getting out of hand during a heated argument.

Oh dear another poster who thinks the abuse starts from the punch. 'nuff said. He has been running her down to be dependant. The abuse started ages ago.

The thing is, even if the H is amazing, that doesn't somehow negate his abusive behaviour. What does it matter if I am the perfect parent to my DC 95% of the time but beat them the other 5%? What does it matter if a man is really nice guy 95% of the time but a serial rapist the other 5%. Good behaviour does not cancel out bad behaviour. It can, sometimes, lead to redemption, but only if remorse is genuinely felt and forgiveness sincerely earned.

This is of course why so many women stay - because they look at the percentages and weigh up the positives against the likelihood of losing their home, having no income, unsettling the DC, etc. Doesn't make it right.

IME saying your other half is amazing is quite often a self-defence tactic in an abusive relationship. It is a way of convincing yourself that he's not that bad and therefore you don't have to respond to his bad behaviour.

But the posters saying that the OP has to make her own decision about this are right. She shouldn't be bullied into anything, even if it is for her (and her DDs) own good. But that doesn't mean those of us who can see red flags galore in this relationship should stop talking about them because all of this information could be helpful to the OP in the future if she does decide to leave. If she doesn't and her relationship is fine, no loss.

What do you mean by that houseofplain? I am not a DV apologist - i think the OP should kick his arse out of the door, but she isn't going to so what use is all of this "he is an abuser" talk going to do her, its just going to alienate her, its not what she wants to hear. If she needs support, we musn't judge. I try hard not to judge. I have my judgement on the OPs partner, im keeping it to myself becaue it wont help her

WTAF? She is a SAHM and that is bein run down? Some people decide to be SAHMs for themselves you know.

TEll you what though - all this bickering on here isn't going to help the OP, at all

FWIW everlong, I agree with your stance here. The OP has made it quite clear that this incident seems to have come out of nowhere and is completely out of character.

Who knows what sparked it? Nobody is saying his behaviour is acceptable, but the calls for her to instantly end the relationship are astonishing. OP needs to discuss her DH's behaviour with him. He needs to accept responsibility for his outburst and they should go from there...

I think it must be a nethuns invasion. Or people stuck in abuse cycles themselves, or people with no idea.

Thankfully those that are aware, know the signs, know the grooming and abuse starts, before the physical. So you are too tied in to consider leaving when the first punch is thrown. You have a wonderful guy to fight for, no really you do. Grind you down and down, so you have the partner on a pedestal, whom you are not worthy of. You are so lucky to have such and amazing guy, etc.

At least those who do know what they are talking about, without bias, can actually see how op talks, what she says. They can plant that seed, so she can always ask for help. Rather than encouraging to put up and shut up. What's being a sahm got to do with being run down, did I say that? No.

I'd agree with you sigmund, one problem though. He won't accept responsibility will he? So what would you suggest? Maybe that is why people are suggesting it's more sinister?

I thought mn used to be full of switched on women, what happened :(

'At least those who do know what they are talking about, without bias'

But you are biased, and you're making assumptions. Nobody actually knows what the future will hold.

He hasn't accepted responsibility YET.