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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Just had the biggest fight with DH... he hit me, I hit him...

682 replies

namechangeforthis100 · 04/04/2012 00:57

I've spent the whole of yesterday at the hospital... quite a long time after a miscarriage it turns out (joy) I've got an infection. I'm in agony. I feel shit. All my friends are pregnant.. I'm just having a very shit time.

I decided to get stuff organised.. sort of nights out etc to keep us busy and tonight we went out with about 10 of our best friends for a meal (a lot are shift workers from our hey day hence the tuesday random night)...

I have been in quite a lot of pain and on painkillers... but was without and just slowly drinking wine this evening.. The night went great and we all agreed to meet again next week.

We got in the car (DH driving) and she started to go MAD. Apparently during a conversation I had dictated when he could go out and come back (with an old friend) and I hadn't! I know the conversation he's talking about. They were taking the piss saying I would and I was laughing... but I didn't say a word. And all the home he called me vile, drunk, a bitch etc.. (with our daughter in the back of the car who we just picked up from a sitter to bring home.)

We got in, put DD to bed and it escalated. He screamed at me, I proclaimed innocence, He pushed me, I tried to kick him. We ended up having a full out physical fight.

He left. I wrenched the keys out his hand and he stepped out the door.

I locked it.
Jesus christ.

What do I do now?? I'm already in pain. (now more. Have a perfect hand bruise on my chest.)

OP posts:
mcmooncup · 04/04/2012 17:03

everlong - why would you encourage someone to stay with someone who is violent and abusive?

swallowedAfly · 04/04/2012 17:06

and doesn't even pretend to be sorry?

everlong · 04/04/2012 17:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

anychocswilldo · 04/04/2012 17:12

I'm not saying she should end her marriage, I just wish she would show herself some respect. This man must feel like a God. He can call his wife anything, physically assault her, leave, ignore her and the first thing she says to him, after calling and txting all morning, is 'I love u' Confused I know its hard when u love someone but she will forever b at his mercy unless she deals with this and makes him take responsibility. I hope they can work it out but only if this really is a one-off. which I doubt it will b now he knows he can do what he likes

Lueji · 04/04/2012 17:14

BTW, I have been bruised, by ex, and in training.

It takes quite a lot of strength to leave an immediate bruise on the chest, particularly a perfect hand bruise.
I'd suspect enough to leave the recipient gasping for air on impact (or during pressure - but pressure marks tend to show up a few days later) and enough to make her defend herself by kicking or whatever it took for him to stop.

It just doesn't seem a normal push or fight to me. :(

everlong · 04/04/2012 17:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

oooggs · 04/04/2012 17:20

Hope the talking after work has a good end result, good luck

angelpuss · 04/04/2012 17:29

Have been lurking on this thread since this morning (don't usually look at the relationship boards but it was one of the first in active threads when I logged on) and I have to agree with the stance that everlong has taken throughout the thread.

I am fortunate to have never been subjected to abuse in any of it's forms, so cannot comment from a personal perspective. And yes, what he has done is wrong, but we have to respect what the OP is saying and give her the support in whatever decision she makes that is right for her.

Many people may not agree with that decision, but it is her decision to make.

namechange I hope that things go well for you when you talk to him after work, will be thinking of you and your DD.

TwinkleTwinklyStars · 04/04/2012 17:32

He is clearly not going to admit defeat. He is obviously certain you said it.

If you are sure that you want to sort it out and get past this would it not be easier just to let it go and tell him that IF you did say something then you didnt mean it seriously and you are sorry that it upset him.
It seems like the only way this is going to be resolved quickly and painlessly.

Houseofplain · 04/04/2012 17:32

It will all work out tonight. He will "forgive" op and come back. She will be so relieved as she loves him, can't live without him, etc.

He knows this, was never going anywhere, it was all a game. He has her hooked and where he wants her. This is obvious to most from her posts.

Then next time he will beat her harder, drag out the gameplay for longer, make her beg more, make here more greatful, more placid. So it begins.

Op remember mn is here, remember the names of the organisations others have given to you. His behaviour afterwards , which some seem to be missing is the biggest clue here, violence aside. It will happen again, I'm confident of that. However you aren't ready to see this yet. You want him back, even if you have to beg. Don't worry, he will be back, he was never going to leave you. He wants you in your place :(

mcmooncup · 04/04/2012 17:37

It is a very difficult line though everlong. You say that the OP doesn't want to leave the relationship, and I would agree that this is obvious in what she says.

However, if you look at what has happened, it is possible that OP is not truly exercising free will and clear thinking. There are a million occasions in life when people say they want to do things that are not necessarily good for them, e.g. wanting to smoke fags when you already have lung cancer, wanting to eat a triple meat feast deep pan pizza when you are so obese you cannot walk, wanting to drink a bottle of wine to get through another night of loneliness........you get the picture. Many attachments with abusive men are also on this vein.

I think it is disrepectful to the OP to say it is fine that her husband gaslights her, verbally abuses her and then physically hurts her. Because it is not fine, and she deserves more.

everlong · 04/04/2012 17:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

swallowedAfly · 04/04/2012 17:50

i can't believe someone has just advised the op to go along with his pretense that she said soemthing she didn't in order to make the peace Confused baffling.

mcmooncup · 04/04/2012 17:51

It is one of the hardest things ever to leave an abusive relationship. Doesn't mean you should not suggest it.

Marriage counselling is literally the worst thing you can do in abusive relationships.

Houseofplain · 04/04/2012 17:53

Marriage guidance with an abuser. No way. Thats is well known to be dangerous for the victim. Some really dangerous advice on this thread from people who really don't know what they are talking about. Scary.

She won't leave him because she is dependant on him. That's it. Prime example of codependency. Nothing to do with resolve at all.

It's to do with being ground down, 50 phonecalls/texts! She needs him like an alcoholic needs wine. He ups the anti, she is then begging him to come back, he comes back, guilt free, off the hook. Op is then petrified to dare question any further incidents, in case he goes again.

Sorry to talk about you in the 3rd person op. But some of the advice coming from people who have admitted no experience or knowledge in this field, would be dangerous for YOU and your dd.

What is it 36 odd incidents before this cycle finally breaks and women seek help? Someone will have the statistic.

Some really scary and frankly dangerous head burying on this thread.

swallowedAfly · 04/04/2012 17:54

apart from which he doesn't even acknowledge he did anything wrong - that's hardly a position from which to suggest marriage counselling.

the options are put up and shut up and like someone advised pretend his version of reality is true in order to have him home or refuse to do so thereby not opening up your future to a cycle of abuse that could go on and on for years till you finally do refuse to buy his version of reality anymore.

true the OP is likely to do the former. it doesn't mean people shouldn't advise her to do the latter or point out what the former entails and risks. even if it doesn't result in the OP doing something today it will plant a seed that will help her see what is occurring IF this does develop on into a cycle of abuse.

everlong · 04/04/2012 18:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Houseofplain · 04/04/2012 18:02

That is the key. Swallowed. He can't even admit he has done wrong, he is not sorry. He wants op to know her place, beg and, call and call to get him back. So it's all HER fault. She knows her place and she won't do it again.

The key sign of an abuser. A one off very stressful, possibly ill with stress, but good guy. Would be mortified going all out to make it up. The way she talks, the way the relationship sounds like a very codependent love are agin the obvious signs.

To not point out how the cycle starts would be neglectful to her interests, planting that seed....just as bad as sweeping it all under the carpet Hmm

swallowedAfly · 04/04/2012 18:03

exactly he's making it utterly clear that the only way he will come back is if she accepts his version of reality and all the blame and never questions him about it or challenges him.

basically total submission.

swallowedAfly · 04/04/2012 18:04

and total humiliation. there goes any last vestiges of self esteem Sad

Goawaybob · 04/04/2012 18:06

I agree with everlong, no one here is going to change the OPs mind, no matter what we think she should do. If i were to put myself in her shoes, if she is tellin the truth that this was the first time (i dont know about this) i would be wanting him home, wanting to sort it out. After all, they are ttc and in the process of moving house.

I do agree that the OP absolutely needs to hammer home that she will no accept being treated like this, and begging and pleading and saying how much she loves him wont do her any favours either. She needs to be very clear about it, but it is very much easier said than done.

swallowedAfly · 04/04/2012 18:08

it's impossible - it's not an option for her. he's made it very, very clear. she shuts up and doesn't dare question him or he'll stay away.

pretending she has other options is disingenuous to say the least. there's no point advising her about a path that is not available to her.

Houseofplain · 04/04/2012 18:09

Precisely bob. Easier said than done. She won't hammer it home or leave as it's pretty clear she is already codependent on him. She is stuck. She can't give him up and won't want to rock the boat.

Women very rarely leave an abusive relationship after the first incident of violence, which often follows many years of grooming.

However, for when he does this again, he will. She needs to know she can ask people for help. That it dosent always have to be this way.

Goawaybob · 04/04/2012 18:12

Yes, i agree house of plain, we can only pray this isnt the start of something insidious. But if it is, just hope that mnetters can be here for the OP in a non judgy supportive capacity.

Goawaybob · 04/04/2012 18:14

Also, there has been violence in my relationship, my DP is not an abuser, neither am i, there is no codependence. It was a fucking awful time, but we got through it and four years on, we are happy.

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