Just had the biggest fight with DH... he hit me, I hit him...

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I've spent the whole of yesterday at the hospital... quite a long time after a miscarriage it turns out (joy) I've got an infection. I'm in agony. I feel shit. All my friends are pregnant.. I'm just having a very shit time.

I decided to get stuff organised.. sort of nights out etc to keep us busy and tonight we went out with about 10 of our best friends for a meal (a lot are shift workers from our hey day hence the tuesday random night)...

I have been in quite a lot of pain and on painkillers... but was without and just slowly drinking wine this evening.. The night went great and we all agreed to meet again next week.

We got in the car (DH driving) and she started to go MAD. Apparently during a conversation I had dictated when he could go out and come back (with an old friend) and I hadn't! I know the conversation he's talking about. They were taking the piss saying I would and I was laughing... but I didn't say a word. And all the home he called me vile, drunk, a bitch etc.. (with our daughter in the back of the car who we just picked up from a sitter to bring home.)

We got in, put DD to bed and it escalated. He screamed at me, I proclaimed innocence, He pushed me, I tried to kick him. We ended up having a full out physical fight.

He left. I wrenched the keys out his hand and he stepped out the door.

I locked it.
Jesus christ.

What do I do now?? I'm already in pain. (now more. Have a perfect hand bruise on my chest.)

When I posted earlier I had missed the post about his txt accusing you, and of you sending the picture of the bruise.

So, I do hope the lunch conversation goes better and he profusely and sincerely apologises, but in face of that, I sincerely doubt it. :(

I stand by the rest of my previous post. I hope you lay conditions for his possible return home. Do not grovel to have him back. That is an order.

You deserve someone who respects you and your joint family.

The first time ex attacked me he doubted me when I told him I had bruises around the base of my neck. He asked me to show them when we were in the car in a public place. It felt really humiliating. He had been told in no uncertain terms that any other attack would be the end of the marriage, BTW.

He did attack me a second time only a few weeks later and I called the police to have him removed from the house.

Personally, I feel that if I had continued to forgive him, it would have resulted in a nightmare and possibly more serious assaults.

"He's all about fitness etc.. he rarely even drinks.

He's just so angry. I've never seen him so angry."

Could he be taking steroids? It just feels like there is something else going on here.

Either that or as someone said earlier, he has used your vulnerability with the fact that you have left your job to start bullying you.

Bucharest, I was one person who said call Women's Aid. I'm not a sock puppet. Really, there's no need for that kind of thing towards people here who are posting because we're concerned about the OP.

I think there are some misconception on here sometimes about who/what Women's Aid are. You don't have to be fleeing in fear of your life to call them.

Steroids can make people flip, yes. OP try googling "Roid rage"

DH called a while ago. I said 'I love you, just come home and we'll sort this out' before he said anything.

Then he started on about last night and it dissolved into an argument. I put the phone down, we were getting nowhere.

Since then he's just text me to say he'll come home after work so we can talk about it.

And my usually very happy child has been replaced with a destruction monster.

I know he wouldn't take steroids or do anything like that... he can't even swalllow a nurofen ;)

I really do think you should report this to the police. It's not getting through to him how serious what he did was.

Reporting it to the police isn't going to help anything... theres no coming back from that. I want to sort this out. If theres something bothering him or annoying him or worrying him so much that he became unrecognizable from the person I know... then I want to try and help him.

I love him so much, I want to fix things so badly. I just worry that its over.

At least check into A&E, or your GP and complain about chest pain and that you are worried that you may have cracked a rib or something.
They'll put the bruise on record.

For your sake and of your DD's. You can see already how this is affecting her. :(

And DON'T GROVEL.

You need tough love, not mummy love.

I think my DD is just bored from being in the house all day...

Also, you can't fix him. Only he can fix himself.

Even if he has complaints about you, if he can't see how wrong his behaviour was and still is, then there's nothing you can do.
All you can do is to respect yourself.

I think my DD is just bored from being in the house all day...

And affected by the state you are in?

Actually, go out and get yourself some fresh air. It may help you too. :-)

U know, I get that u love him and prob last night was one huge mistake and out of character but u need to stop and take a breath. U r giving this man way too much power. U r allowing him to carry this on and not take any responsibilty for any of this. HE was the caused this situation so why r u the only one saying u love him and it can b sorted out? Aren't u important too? Don't u deserve an apology? Wouldn't u like him to tell u that he loves? Ffs pls man up and get a grip or u r going to open ur little family up to a lot of pain. If he thinks u r going to allow him to act this way then he will, u have allowed him to. Pls stop being so needy! If he doesn't want to come home ur desperation isn't going to help, its going to give him the power to stay away longer, safe in the knowledge u will b home crying and waiting for him. I'm not saying 'leave the bastard' but u do need to start valuing yourself a little more. It is not ok that he started an argument and was verbally abusive to u and its not ok he was physically abusive to u (even if its never happened before) believe me if u keep acting in such a pathetic weak way, it will happen again because he can get away with it. Shouldn't the man that left a hand print on ur chest be worried that u might leave him. Please get a backbone grip, if this is so out of charater then u can prob sort it but only if u make him realise that what he did is unnacceptable and u will never ever put up with it again. U need to get

Sorry it was so long

You can't fix this. He is an abuser alright. Then rather than be sorry, genuinely sorry, he has you jumping like a cat on a hot tin roof. Playing mind games, blaming you, ignoring calls. You are dependant on him, that isn't going to change soon.

He has you where he wants you. He knows this, as you called him what 50 times? You still want to make it work despite the violence and emotional abuse.

I'm afraid to say, nothing will change your mind right now, just remember mn here is to help you, give you contact numbers for professionals, when you have that lightbulb moment. Hopefully before you become a statistic.

See ignoring all the hun and baby dust, many adults can see exactly what this is. You will one day soon need to ask for help again.

you owe it to your DD to at least get a record of this bruising at A&E or GP. I know you love him but the picture you paint is not of a loving DH but a cruel manipulative man and l fear this is just the start.
You may need evidence in the future of his physical abuse.

Please no more begging, trying to appease him. The has been cruel in all actions since the assault, not coming home /ignoring texts etc. OP you do not see these actions as you are too upset and scared to recognise them. But we do.

Please protect yourself

I think its very telling that the first time this abuse happened was just after u became a sahm, now he has u just where he wants u. Now u r completely dependent on him!

Hope he is being more reasonable when he gets home.

OP, your DD IS playing up because of last night, and because you are so upset today - you need to listen to people on here. I was one of the people defending your DH at the begining of this thread, but his subsequent behaviour is really worrying. I worry about what is going to happen this evening, because again this is going to take place in front of your DD. Do not cow tow to this man, if you do, you are giving him the green light to do this all over again. You were both in the wrong, you have apologised, but he wont - what does this tell you? Seriously, tonights conversation has to be calm, if this sort of thing continues your dd will be a nervous wreck by the time she starts school :(

It is him who should be worrying that is it over, not you

I would not report this to the police. You are both going through a very stressful time and things will work out if you sit down and talk quietly together.

OP, it is so awful to hear you talk about how desperate you are to have him, despite what he has done to you and what he is doing to you since. It sounds like your self esteem has unwittingly taken a battering at some point in this relationship.

I totally get that you do not "want to break up your little family", and we are pressured to keep it together under all circumstances, even violence (please see this thread!), but I assure you with all my heart that a relationship that has such horridness and vileness, even as a one off, is nothing worth preserving - it is already destroyed. You will never actually trust him not to do that again now. He has stepped over the line and now you know what potential he has, you will now have to spend your life treading on eggshells (i.e. compromising your own feelings and needs and wants) to avoid the next outburst.

Maybe a look over the thread recent thread in relationships about what a proper relationship looks like and feels like, and how a partner should treat you and respect you. It is so hard to see when you are in in up to your neck in it.

there are a few threads like this