Mixed culture relationship problems

[furiousgrantobe]

My daughter and her bf have been together 7 years but it has been complicated by the fact that he is of Pakistani origin and she is of english mother/brazilian father mixed race. I have been aware of the relationship from the beginning as I am very close to my daughter and whilst it wouldn't have been my choice of partner for her I have always supported the relationship as her happiness is of paramount importance. His family became aware of the relationship at the beginning due to him unfortunately being sent to prison and my daughter and I attended the court and his family were amicable towards us. She has fully supported him through 2 stints in prison, I believe in giving someone a second chance and since his last release 4 years ago he has been a changed person.
The relationship has been almost hidden from his family and my daughter has never been to his house but has met his sister and got on well with her.
My DD found out 8 weeks ago that she is pregnant and due to medical problems in the past was told that it was almost impossible to conceive naturally. They were to begin IVF treatment next month! Obviously she was shocked but delighted with the news as was her bf.
Now the real issues begin. BF has admitted the relationship to the family which they begrudging accepted on the condition that DD learns urdu, she has no problem with that.
BF then has to admit a week later that DD is in fact preganant and as you can imagine all hell broke loose. His sister even phoned DD to plead with her to have an abortion not realising she is in fact 14 weeks pregnant now. She has since apologised but I still find it unforgiveable.
His parents then say they will accept 'things' if they can marry quickly, ie in the next few weeks! My DD was not against this although it was not what she would have ideally wanted but then came the further demands. After the wedding she had to move in with his family, this was flatly refused. DD has always maintained she wanted to stay at home until the baby is born and for a few months after and then either buy or rent a house together. His parents will not compromise. They have not contacted me which I find very disrespectful and feel that it them making all the demands. I realise it is a cultural thing but surely compromises have to be met?

BF has now not contacted DD and she is very down and upset, he said some very hurtful things to her in anger but feels she has compromised enough in agreeing to marry but sticking to original plans. I would welcome anyone views on this situation. BF family have said they will not accept DD or baby if they are not married before the birth and living together.

Please help!!

Because of what she DID say or what she left out?

The things she said are far far worse than I could ever have imagined........................

Really sorry to hear that.
But at least she SAID them. And they are there for any legal team to see.

This must be utterly heartbreaking for you :(
Thank God for you and for her having summoned the courage to leave him!

Oh love! (((HUG))) I too think that it's a massive step for her to say things. I'd suggest that there is more to come, but love, to her it won't be that serious, we normalise everything.

Stuff I've had in my olife I think is normal but if I mention a fraction of it has some gasping.

She'll get lots of help over time to recover, she has you and she has plenty of time. She'll be OK, she'll get there.

I got the PM, I'll send you the details, and we'll hook up in RL.

This must be awful, but comfort can be taken that contents of the letter mean it is ever more unlikely that your grand child to be won't have contact with bio dad and his family. And that your DD has finally had the courage to speak aloud to someone about the abuse she has suffered.
Do try and speak to women's aid if you can get through and see if there is any counselling in your area. Although you are not the one who has suffered, talking to a professional who understands DA and its impact will help you to deal with it and help you to help your daughter. What a wonderful mum she has in you!

OMG-what an absolute rollercoaster of a thread.

Has my heart in my mouth just reading it!

All I can do is send good wishes to you both & the strength to continue with this.

Thank god you're there for her Furious, you've been an absolutely brilliant mother, and have set an excellent example to your daughter of what decent people do for each other. You've hung back when it was needed, even when you wanted to scream out, and you have stepped in at just the right time.

Be prepared that she might be upset about you reading the statement, but honesty is always the best policy IME and I wish you strength through this, it's bound to be difficult however she reacts.

FG2B, I mean this in the most constructive manner possible, and dear readers, as this is a message directly to FG2B, I'd appreciate the same understanding.

I know that this will be hard for you to do, that this letter/statement has utterly floored you and you will be feeling sick and shaken to your very core, but your demeanour in what you do next is crucial.

For your DD to continue being open and honest (which is VITAL for her) she needs to feel that she has a safe space to let that information out. She has to understand that what happened to her is shocking, it was wrong and that it needed to stop. She has to talk about it, open it up to scrutiny, to see how wrong it was. yes she will feel foolish, but it was a gradual process, and there are many hooks, excuses and much smoke and mirrors used in that process to wear her down to where he completely controlled her.

There are times when I say things in therapy that the counsellor raises his eyes at, and looks shocked. When he does that it kind of scares me a bit. It shocks me that something was bad, that bad, but I didn't know.

Your DD will have normalised everything from way back, and when she starts to open up, if she sees others in pain/shock/fear when they hear what she says, she'll clam up again. I know, cos I learned to do it pretty damned fast. If others start to tell us to get the hell out when we are not ready, we go into defensive mode.

This is why I'm often having my behind lightly frazzled when I say on some threads to back off the OP a bit, if she's only just realised that she is in a controlling relationship. As long as she is not in direct risk of life situation, I advocate careful contemplation, thought and planning.

SO... as long as you have the space to cry, shriek, freak out, both in RL and here, use it, but your DD needs to know that you can handle whatever she says. Come here and spill out if you need to, PM me if you wish, yes we will cry together I'm sure, but that's OK. Tears will dry. We'll live.

Ultimately you will have to find a professional that CAN hear her, that CAN deal with all her history, in the meantime, she may wish to talk to you.

If you can get to A/shot, talking there would be safe and she would be understood and accepted. When she is ready to do so of course.

It has opened up a lot or raw deeply hidden memories of things that have happened to me in the past, some of which I have never even talked about to this day.

She is an intelligent, beautiful girl (turned down a modelling contract offered by Storm on his orders) but I know that together we can rebuild our once close relationship and nothing she says will make me recoil in shock or horror.

I just feel so incredibly guilty.

If you have parts of your past that you've kept hidden, abuse stuff, it will stay there. It won't go away by itself, sadly. None of this heals by itself.

No need for you to feel guilty. You can help her, and by god you certainly are helping her. You may find bits of this painful, but actually I think that facing some of her stuff will help you face some of yours.

I 'met' another 'me' on here once, except she was still in Egypt, in an abusive relationship, isolated, alone, and actually PG. I emailed her every day, I sobbed and howled reading her words, reliving the events I'd survived. It was the hardest thing I'd done. Excruciating. I couldn't stop though, I knew what the emails were to her, another human hearing and understanding her. I know what it meant to her, as I'd been where she was.

Your experience, as bad as it was, means you can give her meaningful help now. Funny enough, my friend in Egypt helped ME face MY fears/issues too, as hard as it was, she helped me too!

Perhaps some things DO happen for a reason...?

If your DD wants to learn Urdu, the Pimsleur series ( about US$130 through Amazon for the Audible version) is a good place to start. I think they only have one level though.

To be fair to the boyfriend's parents, they may have been left completely in the dark about their son's relationship with your daughter so it's not really them that would worry me, it's the boyfriend's seeming inability to communicate well with his family. If you are Christian or Jewish, she is not obliged to convert to Islam in order to marry him but I have a gut feeling that they would still pressure her to do thus. She needs to be aware that the concept of parental rights are quite different in Islam and should she experience a relationship breakdown in the future, she might not see her children again after the age of seven. That said, if they are in England this should not be a problem but sometimes the children are taken back to the Middle East. There is a lot to think about. Firstly she has been in relationship with him for seven years - this is not some three month fling where she has got knocked up without really knowing him. I presume she loves him and him her for it to have lasted that long . She might also find that she would enjoy having the support of her inlays when the baby comes. Living close by might be an acceptable compromise to them moving in with the inlaws. If she hasn't already done so, she also might want to learn to cook Indian food.

Mimishimi

I think its gone way beyond learning to make chapatis and speaking Urdu.

OP, your poor DD what she is going through

Mimi are we actually reading the same thread?
What the hell are you talking about?

Mimi is probably replying to the OP (original post) without having read the whole thread...

Hugs, Furious.

What Hissy mentioned about others' reactions is why it's often best to talk side by side, not looking directly at each other.
Perhaps you can talk to your daughter about what happened to you too and it may bring you together?

erm.....

well you gotta laugh eh. When everything's so terrible, along comes something that makes you laugh your head off

Keep going sweetie, you have some wonderful support on your thread. You need support too - this is opening up old wounds for you and maybe, as Hissy says, that is not a bad thing. Agonising beyond imagination, but not a bad thing.

Keep posting xxx

"She needs to be aware that the concept of parental rights are quite different in Islam and should she experience a relationship breakdown in the future, she might not see her children again after the age of seven. That said, if they are in England this should not be a problem but sometimes the children are taken back to the Middle East"

Ok this is not the place, but I am SHUDDERING at this statement.

THIS matter of fact, normalised, unassailable view point.. IS, in actual and real fact...

WRONG!

Mimi, my love, you didn't read the whole thread I'm guessing, but if you believe the above, seriously, take some time to read the rest of the thread to see what happens when the thinking behind the statement you have written gains momentum. When a family feel SO honour bound they are prepared to kill, threaten, maim, abuse and intimidate to get what they want done.

If this behaviour were not in the name of something it'd be certifiable.

Thankfully, this child will NEVER have contact with it's father, it will be protected against him and his family. THAT'S the only real world sane response to the thinking demonstrated in the statement you have posted.

I'm ignoring above comments from Mimi as she clearly hasn't read this through, but Hissy has a point about helping other people get through their problems. It is a very good way to come to terms with your own buried issues as well.

Yeah, sorry about that. I did just read the first couple of posts because I was viewing it on my phone whilst on the underground. Obviously, his coming around to bang on the door and shout threats to kill you changes everything. You were right to get the restraining order. However, I wouldn't be so quick to assume that an honor killing is being planned by the family. In all honesty, they probably just want to put this whole inconvenient thing behind them. Mark my words, within 18 months, he will be married off to a 'nice' Pakistani girl from the home country and he will prefer to act as though your daughter and their child never existed.

Mimi, I do so hope you are right.

Springy I too, had to laugh at the comments about 'chapatis and Urdu' it is about the first thing that has made me smile in a long time!!

Hissy, thank you for your much needed and continual support and words of wisedom.

I will keep you all updated and thank you to everyone from the bottom of my heart for the kindness you have all shown.

I have been peeking at this thread with my fingers covering my eyes!

I hope it is calming down a bit. He sounds like a complete sh**e, regardless of his culture, religion or anything else. He is just a bad'un and his family probably think the sun shines out of his proverbial. Sounds like an ex of a friend who buggered off for a holiday and came back to the UK married to a teenage cousin.

Your DD is just too good for him and her baby does not deserve to have him as a father. In fact, he does not deserve to bring a new life into the world and have the joy of holding his own child (fatherhood is not a right, it is a blessing).

I hope DD brings everything into perspective. Things often happen for a reason in this life (sometimes that's hard to believe) but for some reason, she is going to be a mum (and a great one, with you behind her) and this child will be something special. You have brought up a strong daughter and she can get through this. I am sure this baby will grow up and make you proud.

Am at my wits end. SS are now pushing for an answer to what is going to happen in the future. DD is so distraught and mixed up, refuses to acknowledge she has suffered abuse and so therefore won't accept offers of counselling. I am bearing the brunt of her mood swings and everything else.

Anyone have any suggestions of what more I can possibly do?

Why are SS pushing for an answer? Your DD conceivably has time to decide what to do before the baby is born.

It seems to me that your DD may benefit from some quiet time to go through the grieving, etc
Could you give her that space and even deal with SS?

Is she talking to friends?