Mixed culture relationship problems

[furiousgrantobe]

My daughter and her bf have been together 7 years but it has been complicated by the fact that he is of Pakistani origin and she is of english mother/brazilian father mixed race. I have been aware of the relationship from the beginning as I am very close to my daughter and whilst it wouldn't have been my choice of partner for her I have always supported the relationship as her happiness is of paramount importance. His family became aware of the relationship at the beginning due to him unfortunately being sent to prison and my daughter and I attended the court and his family were amicable towards us. She has fully supported him through 2 stints in prison, I believe in giving someone a second chance and since his last release 4 years ago he has been a changed person.
The relationship has been almost hidden from his family and my daughter has never been to his house but has met his sister and got on well with her.
My DD found out 8 weeks ago that she is pregnant and due to medical problems in the past was told that it was almost impossible to conceive naturally. They were to begin IVF treatment next month! Obviously she was shocked but delighted with the news as was her bf.
Now the real issues begin. BF has admitted the relationship to the family which they begrudging accepted on the condition that DD learns urdu, she has no problem with that.
BF then has to admit a week later that DD is in fact preganant and as you can imagine all hell broke loose. His sister even phoned DD to plead with her to have an abortion not realising she is in fact 14 weeks pregnant now. She has since apologised but I still find it unforgiveable.
His parents then say they will accept 'things' if they can marry quickly, ie in the next few weeks! My DD was not against this although it was not what she would have ideally wanted but then came the further demands. After the wedding she had to move in with his family, this was flatly refused. DD has always maintained she wanted to stay at home until the baby is born and for a few months after and then either buy or rent a house together. His parents will not compromise. They have not contacted me which I find very disrespectful and feel that it them making all the demands. I realise it is a cultural thing but surely compromises have to be met?

BF has now not contacted DD and she is very down and upset, he said some very hurtful things to her in anger but feels she has compromised enough in agreeing to marry but sticking to original plans. I would welcome anyone views on this situation. BF family have said they will not accept DD or baby if they are not married before the birth and living together.

Please help!!

I have contacted Nirvana but was told they could not help as they did not view it to be in their remit.

Have been called constantly by the ex but have not answered the calls. Received a few texts which I will obviously keep as evidence, although he is not threatening it will all count towards a final hearing.

I've also been in touch with the leading child law firm in London who I've dealt with before and have total faith in, who have agreed to act on DD behalf.

What doesn't kill us makes us stronger......right?

WTF? so an honour based crime of violence, abuse, harassment and threats against a woman who happens to be british is not in their remit? But the very knowledge they have is VITAL to your DD. They are used to advising families of dangers, options etc, but they won't cos your DD is not from that culture? WTAF? If this were just this BF being abusive, that'd be kind of OK, but his whole family are threatening and saying about honour, face and standing.

That is racial discrimination surely? This is a cultural issue where violence is being perpetrated in the name of religious/social honour in their culture. Whose ffing remit IS it then if not theirs? I'd report them. When this is over, report them for racial discrimination.

What doesn't kill you DOES make you stronger! You ARE strong, your DD is amazingly strong, even if she doesn't feel like it at the moment, she has looked at some very hard decisions that she may or may not have to take. You will both come out of this stronger, she WILL realise what she has been through and you both will be OK.

She is just venting at you, cos she knows it's safe to do so. You are an awesome mother. I wish mine was like you.

"She has admitted she doesn't want a termination but feels it is in the babies best interest. She is beyond reasoning with at the moment so am leaving her to sleep for a while. She is 19 weeks pregnant so it would be horrific should she decide thats whats to be."

At 19 weeks, it WILL be horrific...at that age of gestation, the pregnant woman will have to be induced and go through labour the normal way - can be very traumatic...

Sorry, I have been following oyur thread for a while and really do feel for you and your DD, she's really lucky to have you.

Hoping that all goes well for her

DD is out with her sister now as she had an appointment in London earlier and I am hoping she opens up and confides in her. I am really hoping the suggestion of a termination was a knee jerk reaction to facing today. The hard part is now over, she is very relieved that she will not have to appear in court until Aug/Sept when the Barrister said that as she will be (hopefully) heavily pregnant, special measures would be relevant if she had to appear at all.

I can't begin to describe my guilt at not acting sooner on my gut instincts, it is recorded that I contacted the DV unit in 2009 but even then she denied anything was happening.

We have the first 'core assesment' visit from SS tomorrow and have been advised to co operate but not to be intimidated, one wrong word or suggestion about PR for the ex and it will be a Solicitors letter, so that has put my mind slightly at rest.

The ex thinks hes so clever as I don't believe he thought DD would continue with the case and his only reason for opposing the order was to try and intimidate her. Well he has underestimated both of us.

Thank you all so much for your invaluable support, long may it continue, you have all been my lifeline.

I am of S Asian origin and I agree with Happy that Nirvana are being arses.

I really don't know what to write but I can't sleep for the thoughts going through my head.

DD says she wants to be alone, ie move away and isolate herself from everyone. She has said she doesn't feel any love for me and doesn't believe I love her. I have remained calm and composed and have said that my love is unconditional and that whatever decision she makes I will support her. To see her so broken is absolutely heartbreaking.

I have had no luck in obtaining a counsellor which I think she would benefit from greatly, the emotional damage the ex has caused is far deeper than I originally anticipated. I don't know where to turn as I feel all routes have been taken. I have no support from my family and feel such an absolute failure as a mother and a person.

After 7 years of him emotional (and found out earlier today physically)abusing her he has conditoned her to believe that she has no one.

I know in my heart she doesn't want the termination but is so terrified still of the 'control' he has over her. She feels guilty that this is all her fault and has said she should just of agreed to all the initail demands and now this wouldn't be happening. As much as I ( and other agencies) tell her she has done nothing wrong and has nothing to feel guilty or ashamed of she cannot see it.

I don't think she has considered the implications of a termination at this stage. When told her initial assesment would be blood tests and scans etc she said she didn't want a scan which to me shows some attachement to the baby. Unfortunately, I had to have a termination at 21 weeks on medical grounds and the horror of what I went through have never left me.

Should I go and see my GP or her midwife tomorrow and explain things although they are aware of the situation, abortion was never an option before all this mess began.

I feel as though I am on a cliff edge and will fall at any minute, please someone help.

Would your daughter let you go to the clinic with her? Is there any way you can make sure the staff there know the whole history? They need it, don't they, in order to make a proper assessment. They may take the view that she's being forced into a termination by threats. But whatever they do, it needs to be on the basis of all the facts.

As she is a 'consenting' adult I am not allowed any input as it is all confidential. I very much doubt she will be honest about the situation but am unable to do anything about it.

The appointment is next Friday but she has gone somewhere today, I don't know where.

I feel as though I can't function anymore. Had to walk out of Waitrose earlier and leave my shopping as I couldn't stop crying. I feel almost suicidal.

I'm not surprised you feel that way, but please try to hold on a bit longer. Whatever your daughter decides, even if she goes through with moving away, she will eventually realise how much you've done for her and how much she needs you.

I feel helpless here at work on my computer. All I can do is say I'm thinking of you and send virtual hugs.

OP, I am of Pakistani culture and so is DH.

I can tell you that 99.9% of couples living with the in laws ends is disaster. I lived with them for nine months and I was also pregnant; absolute nightmare.

Not even girls of the same culture are willing to live with in laws anymore. It's a dying tradition, thankfully.

Your DD should stay strong and not give in to this crap, it's just utter crap. Her BF should grow a spine and start supporting her or he's not worth it.

I agree with whoever said that your DD should stay away from him till he sees
Sense. When she has a beautiful child and is happy with her cuddly newborn, he will come running himself.

What no, wait, scrap my previous post! only read the OP and the first couple of posts and have now read some later ones.

Going back to read it all properly.

Oh FG

I am so sorry about how bad things have become.
He is a nasty and violent man, this has nothing to do with culture or religion anymore.

Whatever your DD decides, I hope she will pull through it and heal physically, emotionally and mentally, and I hope you will always have each other.
Big hugs to both of you xx

Sending big hugs.

You are her mother, not her. She has to thread her own path and make her own decisions and her mistakes.
You can't feel guilty for not intervening earlier.

She may be reacting to the pressure you seem to be putting on her. You are right of course, but it may not be the best thing for her at the moment.

Just be there for her and let her know you'll support her regardless.

Lueji is right, you could have hired a BLIMP and had it writ large that she was with an abuser when you first had doubts, but until she is ready to see it, she won't be able to.

She will come back, she will get through this, her BF has poisoned her mind, but as his grip on her loosens, the truth will come back to her and she will see what she has said, and that it was not correct.

keep repeating to her over and over again that you love her, that you will support her no matter what she decides to do, and that one day she will see through all this. One day she'll be free of it all.

perhaps because you ARE so bound up in this, that this is the reason why she wants to run away from it all. Not that you are part of the problem, but that you are not a haven from it, as you are in the trenches with her? Does that make sense? Maybe she sees how this is hurting you and on some level can't bear to do it to you?

It will pass, it will get better, you will all survive this. Justice WILL prevail.

i wish I could hug your DD and tell her that she will be OK and that she is so very special, as are YOU dear FG2B.

Thank god for this support and finally for being able to see light at the end of a very long tunnel.

Had the social worker visit and she was brilliant. DD could totally relate to her and has been utterly reassured that no one is going to take her baby away from her. Everything she has done has been right and gone totally in her favour. The appointment is cancelled for the termination and some semblence of normality has returned.

Social worker made it very clear that it is not DD that they are concerned about but the ex's violent past and his 'cultural' excuses. She even made it clear that although he could apply for PR on the evidence she has seen she would not recommend any contact and would certainly not support any PR application on his part.

I feel we have been thrown a lifeline and whatever she discussed with DD in private has had a remarkable difference in DD's behaviour towards me, now all she wants is cuddles and reassurance which I am more than happy to give. She knows that when she feels ready to fully confide in me I will be here to listen, as painful as it will be to hear.

Oh that is the news I really wanted to hear! I am so relieved for you! Justice and common sense prevails.

AND!!!

you have your DD back!

when she does confide in you, you know that you can come decompress with us, we too will find it painful, we too may even weep, but we will listen and we will support you regardless.

As unconditional as your love is for her, so is our support for you.

Always remember that?

(((hug)))

Been following this thread -lurking I guess!
But just had to say how happy I am this hurdle as been beaten...maybe more problems to come but I think you are doing an amazing job (exactly what I would hope to do if i was in your position)
Thank god the ss said all the right things so your dd can now be a bit clearer with her plans....so very happy for you and wish all 3 of you much strength and happiness going forward

Thank you all so much, you have all given me so much strength and support, especially Hissy.

I certainly don't expect it to be a smooth ride onwards but I feel able to face whatever is thrown at us with a renewed force.

I was very surprised that the SW dropped large 'hints' about PR being very difficult to obtain if we were to move and change our names!! Finally a SW who lives in the real world.

SW also said she would be visiting him at his family home whether he consented or not, I can't see that going down well with his family but I am ready for any possible repercussions.

I am definitely going to do something about the lack of resources available to 'white' British girls/ladies who are in this situation. We are very lucky to live in a county who's police force and other agencies recognise the seriousness of the events, but I imagine there are thousands more who don't. If anyone has any suggestions they would be most welcome at how to achieve this.

for all of your support.

I read all of this thread last night and am so relieved to read your update this evening. You and your daughter are amazing and I wish you both peace and happiness in the future xx

I have been lurking a while, buy had bothibg to add- but to say you are an amazing mother.
Your dd has 'blamed' you and directed anger at you because she is in a lot of turmoil and you are a 'safe' outlet for her. So she will still probably go through periods where she is cruel to you- you are obviously a great support and are staying so strong through all of this.

Good luck, you and your dd are both amazing and I'm sure you'll both come through this stronger x

FG2B, the woman's number I gave you is involved in working with the police forces to encourage victims to report and come forward. I'm going to group on Tuesday, I'll ask if she knows of any campaign or structure in place, or otherwise that you can contact/support/lend weight to.

As our society becomes more multi-cultural, we must facillitate education that abuse is abuse, no matter the excuse. It's not about segregation it's about education.

We need to give people the tools to see that undermining of rights and opppression is not acceptable, in any form.

Meant to add. We're not far from one another atm, so if there's something you need RL support for... Just let me know!

Thank you Hissy have pm'd you.

How['s it going furious?

Keep us updated? xx

Awful........................

As I am dealing with all of DD legal paperwork just opened a letter from her solicitor assuming it to be about last week and it contained a copy of DD witness statement, I know I shouldn't have read it but I did and I wish I hadn't.

Am shaking and crying so much I can hardly type