Mixed culture relationship problems

[furiousgrantobe]

My daughter and her bf have been together 7 years but it has been complicated by the fact that he is of Pakistani origin and she is of english mother/brazilian father mixed race. I have been aware of the relationship from the beginning as I am very close to my daughter and whilst it wouldn't have been my choice of partner for her I have always supported the relationship as her happiness is of paramount importance. His family became aware of the relationship at the beginning due to him unfortunately being sent to prison and my daughter and I attended the court and his family were amicable towards us. She has fully supported him through 2 stints in prison, I believe in giving someone a second chance and since his last release 4 years ago he has been a changed person.
The relationship has been almost hidden from his family and my daughter has never been to his house but has met his sister and got on well with her.
My DD found out 8 weeks ago that she is pregnant and due to medical problems in the past was told that it was almost impossible to conceive naturally. They were to begin IVF treatment next month! Obviously she was shocked but delighted with the news as was her bf.
Now the real issues begin. BF has admitted the relationship to the family which they begrudging accepted on the condition that DD learns urdu, she has no problem with that.
BF then has to admit a week later that DD is in fact preganant and as you can imagine all hell broke loose. His sister even phoned DD to plead with her to have an abortion not realising she is in fact 14 weeks pregnant now. She has since apologised but I still find it unforgiveable.
His parents then say they will accept 'things' if they can marry quickly, ie in the next few weeks! My DD was not against this although it was not what she would have ideally wanted but then came the further demands. After the wedding she had to move in with his family, this was flatly refused. DD has always maintained she wanted to stay at home until the baby is born and for a few months after and then either buy or rent a house together. His parents will not compromise. They have not contacted me which I find very disrespectful and feel that it them making all the demands. I realise it is a cultural thing but surely compromises have to be met?

BF has now not contacted DD and she is very down and upset, he said some very hurtful things to her in anger but feels she has compromised enough in agreeing to marry but sticking to original plans. I would welcome anyone views on this situation. BF family have said they will not accept DD or baby if they are not married before the birth and living together.

Please help!!

Hissy,

You have just said the exact things that I have been thinking of constantly. If needs be I am more than prepared to move house and there are safe places for DD to go should I feel the urgent need to remove her from any threat of potential harm.

I am not underestimating the potential for repercussions.

Unfortunately I was in the exact same position with DD biological father and know exactly what to do but was praying it would never be history repeating itself.

Hissy,

I've just ordered the book you recommended from Amazon so I will suggest she reads it. Theirs has not been what I would call a 'normal' relationship from the outset so hopefully she will read it and take it on board.

Thank you x

I watched Panorama the week before last, scared the bejeezus out of me. I saw that I was the foreign bride taken away from my home, isolated,not allowed to learn the lingo etc.. It was horrifying.

What upset me most about it was the familial complicity, the ganging up on the women, as demonstrated by the BF's family insisting on an abortion. I only had my X to directly abuse me, thankfully all his family were dead and he was an only child, so I had no other family forcing me to conform, i shudder to think what it would have been like if there were more than one of him against me over there, or if his views were actively supported and condoned by family members, or worse that he'd be egged on by them.

I am sorry to hear that you have suffered like this too. it does however give you insight as to what needs to be done and the severity of events. It may also mean that you and DD are taken more seriously by Police etc.

Can you contact the DV dept of the police station for advice? could you speak to a Health visitor to see what steps can be taken to help safeguard your DD.

Your DD needs to be in NO doubt as to how ugly this shit can get. Plan for the worst, and hope for the best.

I'm so sorry you have to go through this again, it must be excruciating for you to watch, it would tear me to pieces if I was facing this.

You can do this, you are trained and experienced enough to do this. Your DD is lucky that she has you on her team. keep in touch and let us know if you need support?

I am going to agree as well that your DD should immediately ditch the loser and forget about having him on the birth certificate, especially if he's demanding a DNA test!! What the actual fuck is that all about??

Your DD has it in her to be a brilliant single mum with your help - and doubtless without it too - but this "man" is going to bring her nothing but pain from now on so she's best off getting rid of him forthwith.

Good luck with it all!

(Glad I didn't take any wrong steps, Hissy :))

I definitely need support and all of your words of wisdom and advice are much appreciated. DD has confided in me in a lot but I still suspect there is more that I don't know of that has happened in the past. The last time I contacted the police after witnessing a particularly abhorrent act on his part they basically refused to get involved unless DD contacted them directly and she definitely would not do that.

There has been a lot of emotional abuse against her and many times she has tried to end the relationship but he has persisted, to the extent of following her on the rare occasions she was out for dinner with her work colleagues, and either verbally abusing her or pleading forgiveness. I also feel he has isolated her from her old friends although, she does have a few very close supportive friends now.

Fortunately, I am signed off sick from work at the moment as my job entails me being out of the UK most of the time and there is no way I could do that whilst this is happening.

The BF in one phone call categorically states that the relationship is over and he wants nothing more to do with DD or baby, yet then phones again and again saying this is definitely the last chance for her to make a final decision. I am hoping that when the baby arrives she will realise 'a mothers love' and see things in a different light.

My immediate concern is protecting her and minimising the stress the situation is causing her. She did say last night she wished she could just move away immediately. I am seriously considering putting the house on the market today and doing what is necessary to take every precaution possible.

I think the suggestion for a DNA test was yet more emotional abuse implying shes a slag, whore etc which I've heard him say on more than one occasion. There is no doubt who the father is and he knows it!

I agree with thinking long and hard about potential abduction risks and about the birth certificate. Might sound crazy now but...

Good luck and so keep us updated.

Moving now seems a good plan. Your daughter should also get a new phone or change numbers.
If anything she should stop taking calls and only communicate via text messages or e-mail.

However, if you put your house for sale he might find out and step it up a bit. It might be better to rent elsewhere and then put the house in the market.

I am shocked the police wouldn't do anything. Where I live it's not necessary for the dv victim to complain.

I hope all goes well.

FGB - how does your D feel about her bf? Does she want him in her life?

What is so alarming is that I was reading the Lundy Bancroft book about abusive men. He says to treat abusive men (very difficult) has nothing to do with insight, their childhood blah blah, but to challenge their thought patterns and their beliefs.

Two abusive attitudes as described by Bancroft:

1. that women are the property of men. This attitude dehumanizes women as the personal possession of a man.
2. the relationship is over when I say it is over. So he is entitled to determine when she is free.

Erm, those beliefs are built in to the religion of her bf. She is up against something much, much bigger than her. So I do hope she isn't on a futile mission to 'change' him.

Your daughter can choose a difficult time ahead, or a difficult life. I do hope she is able to break free from this man, and take the consequences of her foolish choices on the chin; but not let them define the rest of her life.

Please give her that Lundy Bancroft book, and ask her to read it.

Abusive relationships are exciting and compelling, he also describes the 'traumatic bonding' that takes place.

I think this man is pushing because his family want contact, or more, with the baby once it is born. No personal experience but the DNA test would establish the identity of the father. Once he had that, this man might try to claim that as the father he should have custody. I am not an expert but I think that some ultra tradional families think this would entitle him, although there are apparently parts of the relevant law which state that this is not so.

However, if the woman marries someone else, the father might have such rights. It would be a good idea to read up on this stuff, not consent to the DNA test (given the financial situation of both your DD and the (ex) BF it seems that there will be no question of asking him for maintenance) and not put him on the birth certificate. Agree with whoever suggested that you move and rent first if you can before selling the house.

Also, when DD sends the baby to child care, make sure she gets a written agreement from the childminder/nursery that under no circumstances is the child to be collected by anyone without prior arrangement with her. I know that child carers are supposed to be meticulous about this but if someone turns up saying he is the father and wanting to collect the child, a member of staff might just let him.

Your DD sounds an intelligent, strong woman and you are clearly extremely supportive. Hope all goes well.

You can get some very helpful advice from the people at reunite who have a lot of experience in the area and are very understanding of the issues you will be facing.

I would love to give you a whole bunch of advice but it might not be a) very helpful and B) be based on my own bitter experience. Your daughter is so lucky you have smashed the glamour of that environment/relationship for her now, before it's too late.

I personally wouldn't ask anything of this man, contributing financially although he doesn't really seem in a position to do so might give him expectations about what control he can exert.

Far better to cut all ties, emotionally and financially

FG2B I think once your DD stands firm telling him she wants him completely out of her life, while he may bluster for a while, i'm sure with his family's help he'll quickly move onto a more suitable marriage in their eyes. A temporary move might be useful so she is out of harms way of DV or possibe retaliation from his family and seek legal advice now to ensure he gets as little custody as possible once the baby is born if this is what your DD wants. Would she be perpared or is it possible to get a restraining order against him and his family given the past history?

Sorry for typo should read prepared

From what you've said so far, I doubt his family will want anything to do with the baby, especially given the happenings so far. A child born out of wedlock is going to be shameful to them - I can't see them wanting to acknowledge it, or go after it - but better to be prepared for that eventuality.

I agree that the family will likely want to marry off this errant son asap; having a child with another woman may hinder that process, I don't know! Really better to cut all ties with him.

I don't know where to begin.........

Call it a Mothers instinct but I knew something was going to happen and I had actually asked DD this morning if she was scared of ex BF, but she didn't answer. Received phone call at 4pm from hysterical DD telling me to get to her work as he was there trying to smash the door down (she was there alone) and shouting threats to kill her. She (for the first time ever) did the right thing and dialled 999. As there was only one way out of the estate he obviously ran and left his car there as the police could not find him when they arrived.

Ambulance took her to hospital just for checks and everything ok with baby, thank god.

DV unit are contacting her in the morning, she is at a 'safe house' for tonight and our house is flagged up as top priority as I don't expect this to end here, in fact, I feel this is just the beginning.

I've been trying to read the statements and notes from police and hospital but keep breaking down crying as its heartbreaking to read of some of the things she has finally started admitted have been happening. She is terrified and its going to take a lot to fully comprehend the severity of the 'emotional abuse' she has been subject to.

Oh no, FG! But in some ways - oh good that he's really showing his true colours. Your poor DD.

The ex BF has been phoning me since 5.30am have not answered the calls. DD is safe, I haven't slept I don't know which way to turn. I am hoping she will open up to the specialised DV team that are contacting her today.

I am terrified that his threats to kill were meant seriously as he has said in the past if he can't have her then no one else will.

Please don't abandon me now I need all your support.

how awful

is there a way to block his calls? it must be terrifying for you

stay safe, furiousgran

really hope the DV unit can sort out a safe haven for your DD and for you too

The police instantly changed her phone number, hence why I am getting the calls. I want measures put in place to guarantee her safety, although I don't think anything will be a big enough deterrent for him to just stop.

DD is adamant that this is finally the end of the relationship but is still too terrified to take further action, hopefully the DV team will persuade her otherwise.

Call the police and tell them he is phoning and threatening you.

I haven't answered the calls but in a way I almost wish he would come and physically assault me so that he would definitely be arrested and locked up, hopefully for a long time.

I am so sorry to hear you are going through this, it sounds awful.

You should get your number changed too. I do hope she does take it further wrt the bf too.

I'm in a mixed relationship, and had a lot of similar issues. I wasn't really accepted for years. When I did finally meet them they were so sly and trying to break down the relationship at first. It took a long time to overcome prejudices and 'prove' myself. Thankfully my dh always stuck by ME and although he lied to his family and avoided confrontation, at the end of the day they knew I came first in his life. Your dd bf obv chose his family and she is well out of it!

I think I'd also not put his name on the cert. I know someone in dh family suggested taking the dts abroad, though dh never would have done it.

he can still be charged with harassment, he doesn't have to hit you. Call the police.

So sorry to hear all this. You were clearly trying to be magnaminous in your OP, although you presumably knew he wasn't all he was cracked up to be.
May I ask what he went to prison for? Not being nosey, but if it was for some sort of violent crime then the police might be able to do more?????