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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Mixed culture relationship problems

293 replies

furiousgrantobe · 29/03/2012 03:09

My daughter and her bf have been together 7 years but it has been complicated by the fact that he is of Pakistani origin and she is of english mother/brazilian father mixed race. I have been aware of the relationship from the beginning as I am very close to my daughter and whilst it wouldn't have been my choice of partner for her I have always supported the relationship as her happiness is of paramount importance. His family became aware of the relationship at the beginning due to him unfortunately being sent to prison and my daughter and I attended the court and his family were amicable towards us. She has fully supported him through 2 stints in prison, I believe in giving someone a second chance and since his last release 4 years ago he has been a changed person.
The relationship has been almost hidden from his family and my daughter has never been to his house but has met his sister and got on well with her.
My DD found out 8 weeks ago that she is pregnant and due to medical problems in the past was told that it was almost impossible to conceive naturally. They were to begin IVF treatment next month! Obviously she was shocked but delighted with the news as was her bf.
Now the real issues begin. BF has admitted the relationship to the family which they begrudging accepted on the condition that DD learns urdu, she has no problem with that.
BF then has to admit a week later that DD is in fact preganant and as you can imagine all hell broke loose. His sister even phoned DD to plead with her to have an abortion not realising she is in fact 14 weeks pregnant now. She has since apologised but I still find it unforgiveable.
His parents then say they will accept 'things' if they can marry quickly, ie in the next few weeks! My DD was not against this although it was not what she would have ideally wanted but then came the further demands. After the wedding she had to move in with his family, this was flatly refused. DD has always maintained she wanted to stay at home until the baby is born and for a few months after and then either buy or rent a house together. His parents will not compromise. They have not contacted me which I find very disrespectful and feel that it them making all the demands. I realise it is a cultural thing but surely compromises have to be met?

BF has now not contacted DD and she is very down and upset, he said some very hurtful things to her in anger but feels she has compromised enough in agreeing to marry but sticking to original plans. I would welcome anyone views on this situation. BF family have said they will not accept DD or baby if they are not married before the birth and living together.

Please help!!

OP posts:
NettleTea · 04/05/2012 19:20

wise words from Hissy there xxxx

Original poster
furiousgrantobe · 05/05/2012 12:47

Thank you x

OP posts:
fazsaeed · 05/05/2012 16:22

How are you
X

Original poster
furiousgrantobe · 05/05/2012 20:28

Truthfully?

Awful............I was hoping a couple of days alone would help but if anything I feel worse now than ever. I just can't describe how I feel.

OP posts:
fazsaeed · 05/05/2012 23:30

Well I'm here ( and all the other lovely ladies too) to help
If you need to talk about anything.
You need to look after yourself before you can look
After other people
X

Lueji · 05/05/2012 23:55

Why don't you go out tomorrow and do something fun?

Your DD needed a change of scenery and you may need to.

Take care of yourself. :)

Original poster
furiousgrantobe · 06/05/2012 07:06

It just seems that the harder I try the more I fail.

I went into her room yesterday to wash all her bedding whilst she is away and happened to notice she has removed every single photograph of her and I together, yet more devastated.

I just know its going to be worse later when she returns as she has been to my Mothers.

OP posts:
fazsaeed · 06/05/2012 08:00

I'm sure you've heard of that saying...
We hurt those who are closest to us.

X

Lueji · 06/05/2012 08:43

What do you mean the harder you try?

Are you sure it isn't just a case of her needing her space?
Mums can be a little intense sometimes. :)

TheHappyHissy · 06/05/2012 08:48

ok then. Stop trying!

She's used to being punished, the nice in her life always came at a cost. Perhaps (as I did) she's some how goading you into reacting so she gets the stuff she's used to.. Weird concept, but don't forget she's still struggling, doesn't think she'll deserve the love and the help.

Try backing off a bit, but telling her that you love her, that you'll be there for her, but that atm, her photo thing, comments etc are hurtful. If she wants to discuss things with you it'd be better than this childish sniping.

I think you're entitled to say this.

TheHappyHissy · 06/05/2012 08:49

What's the story with your DM? If she's poisoning stuff, give her a bloody good piece of your mind too!

Original poster
furiousgrantobe · 06/05/2012 08:53

If she asks to be left alone and I respect her wishes then I am accused of not caring. If I try and talk to her about just about anything I am told I am interfering. I really am in a no win situation.

Until she agrees to some form of counselling (which I have offered to attend with her, should she so want) then I can't see anyway of changing this cycle of behaviour.

I have lost all my strength and resolve and just feel as though I cant cope with even the most mundane tasks anymore. Tried to explain to my mother how I felt to be told stop being so dramatic and pull yourself together, thanks mum!

OP posts:
springydaffs · 06/05/2012 09:15

You say your daughter will be worse because she has gone to your mothers - which indicates that your mother is not your friend or your ally. I know how it is to keep banging on the door that should be open and somehow trying to get it to open but you have to accept, for your mental health and wellbeing, that that door is never going to open and that the more you try to get it to open the more open you are to abuse.

I appreciate that your daughter is distressed but it seems to me that she is syphoning off that distress and pouring it into you and blaming you. That's one step too far and it is healthy for you both that you enforce a boundary around that and refuse to let her do it - the less said, the better. Maybe not being the hand-wringing mum who is doing all she can to help her daughter (including taking some high-level abuse) is what is called for here: stop being her punchbag and stand back. As you say, you are in a no-win situation (she beats you no matter what you do). If you hadn't had so much unresolved abuse yourself you would maybe be in a better position to roll with the punches but from what I can see you are raw and you need to step away from intense involvement. She will pillory you for it - but she'll pillory you anyway, so what's new? She knows you love her and are trying to do your best but imo she is bullying you... because she can. Don't let her.

tough words but people who have been abused are often abusers themselves. You can nip that in the bud by not letting her abuse you. You don't have to be cold but don't step in to have her (metaphorically) punch you in the face. As I said, the less said the better: just do it, set a boundary, don't enter into discussion (or try to get her to see that she is abusing you).

Original poster
furiousgrantobe · 06/05/2012 18:53

I have taken all the advice on board and will ride out the next 24 hours and let you know the outcome,
Thank you x

OP posts:
Original poster
furiousgrantobe · 06/05/2012 21:45

DD is now home, nothing has changed. She did tell me my Mother had said I have always felt sorry for myself and been unsupportive..........

She (fortunately) lives over a 100 miles away so how she knows what goes on here is unexplainable.

OP posts:
Lueji · 06/05/2012 23:10

There is a fine line between leaving alone and pushing.

She may need to talk about something else most of the time, even for you to make small talk and be there for her if she needs to talk.

I have to say that my mum and dad are much more intense about dealing with my ex than I am (I'm not living with them, so it's easier), but in my quiet way and on my time I have found my own strategies and found my own way of protecting myself.
The difference is that I was not as affected as your DD and I am emotionally more stable (probably, who knows? Wink).

She may also feel that she has let you down, that you blame her or something. You probably haven't said anything like that, but it may be how she feels herself.

I agree with springydaffs. You may need some tough love. To tell her that you don't know how to support her because she is giving you mixed messages. That you are there for her, but won't tolerate being a punch bag. And so on.
With lots of I love yous in the middle. :)

springydaffs · 07/05/2012 00:08

You have to do it though ie follow through: if she treats you like a punchbag, don't let her (walk away, don't engage). don't be sending her postcards re 'don't treat me like that', 'I said, don't treat me like that', 'now look, I said don't treat me like that', 'you're treating me like that again, I said don't do that'. You get the picture. Boundaries my dear. Don't say much, just don't engage if she treats you badly.

jifnotcif · 07/05/2012 10:09

FG2B you are getting some excellent support here, can I add an idea that I learned from a parenting course? It sounds as though you could do with some neutral time together. Where the bond between parent and child is disrupted like this it can be very helpful to try to spend time just 'being' together. This means just sitting near her, being near her, focusing on her but not talking. It helps to clear the pressure and shows someone you care and 'allowing' them to be kind to you. Detachment does this but detaching from the conflicts is a reactive action (only happens when there is an argument etc). Actively seeking neutral time to be with them without any pressure at all will help. Essentially she's still your little girl and she still needs her Mummy. Smile

And don't forget to offer the physical contact when or if she's ready for it.

springydaffs · 07/05/2012 10:27

example, jif? great post.

jifnotcif · 07/05/2012 10:35

In younger children you would just sit on the bed with them when the light is out for five minutes - it's amazing how that one works with kids that don't normally open up.

In older ones it would be maybe doing something like laundry sorting while they are sitting in their rooms. Doing a craft activity yourself that they might join in with, in a neutral space. TVs and radios etc should be switched off. Sewing or knitting is a great one.

Or you could go out with them, but be very passive - let them lead, let them decide what you do and don't impose conversation on them, let them lead that too.

boredandrestless · 07/05/2012 11:55

Just seen this thread an read from start to finish, my heart goes out to you and your dd. I know you have said you can't get her to go to counselling but perhaps you may find some counselling helps you? You can only do so much for her, and in time she may feel ready for it who knows. I'm thinking it would give you a safe space to vent and talk things through with someone face to face.

Perhaps a short talk with her reiterating that you will always love her. That you will always be there for her. Asking her what she actually wants you to do for her and what she doesn't as like you say she is giving very mixed messages.

You are both going through a scary time and no doubt her hormones won't be helping! (I wouldn't mention that bit to her though)

The FIGHT you are both having to go through is soo unfair! I think you are right in that when the baby is here she will find her strength and resolve.

FriedSprout · 12/05/2012 08:12

How are you all doing? hope all is well and moving forward. Could you let us know you are ok?

Original poster
furiousgrantobe · 15/05/2012 21:31

We are fine thank you, had a much more settled time and DD has attended a counselling session. I actually felt the baby kick for the first time earlier today!!

I am still overwhelmed with everyones kindness and support, Thank you.

OP posts:
PattyPenguin · 15/05/2012 22:14

It's great to read that, FG2B. I hope things keep going well, and whatever happens, you know where everybody is - we're on here, waving and cheering for you.

Pennybubbly · 16/05/2012 07:05

Have just seen this thread and read it from start to finish, and couldn't possibly leave without posting.

I have no experience whatsoever of the torture that you are going through, so can offer you no words of advice or wisdom, but I just wanted to say that you come across as an amazing, supportive and loving mum and that in time, your DD will see this too and you will both reap the rewards, of which one huge one will be your grandchild.

Please continue to give her the unfailing support that you've provided for her up until now, and gain strength and encouragement in the thought that there are a lot of MNetters out here rooting for you.