Mixed culture relationship problems

[furiousgrantobe]

My daughter and her bf have been together 7 years but it has been complicated by the fact that he is of Pakistani origin and she is of english mother/brazilian father mixed race. I have been aware of the relationship from the beginning as I am very close to my daughter and whilst it wouldn't have been my choice of partner for her I have always supported the relationship as her happiness is of paramount importance. His family became aware of the relationship at the beginning due to him unfortunately being sent to prison and my daughter and I attended the court and his family were amicable towards us. She has fully supported him through 2 stints in prison, I believe in giving someone a second chance and since his last release 4 years ago he has been a changed person.
The relationship has been almost hidden from his family and my daughter has never been to his house but has met his sister and got on well with her.
My DD found out 8 weeks ago that she is pregnant and due to medical problems in the past was told that it was almost impossible to conceive naturally. They were to begin IVF treatment next month! Obviously she was shocked but delighted with the news as was her bf.
Now the real issues begin. BF has admitted the relationship to the family which they begrudging accepted on the condition that DD learns urdu, she has no problem with that.
BF then has to admit a week later that DD is in fact preganant and as you can imagine all hell broke loose. His sister even phoned DD to plead with her to have an abortion not realising she is in fact 14 weeks pregnant now. She has since apologised but I still find it unforgiveable.
His parents then say they will accept 'things' if they can marry quickly, ie in the next few weeks! My DD was not against this although it was not what she would have ideally wanted but then came the further demands. After the wedding she had to move in with his family, this was flatly refused. DD has always maintained she wanted to stay at home until the baby is born and for a few months after and then either buy or rent a house together. His parents will not compromise. They have not contacted me which I find very disrespectful and feel that it them making all the demands. I realise it is a cultural thing but surely compromises have to be met?

BF has now not contacted DD and she is very down and upset, he said some very hurtful things to her in anger but feels she has compromised enough in agreeing to marry but sticking to original plans. I would welcome anyone views on this situation. BF family have said they will not accept DD or baby if they are not married before the birth and living together.

Please help!!

everything crossed here, cuddles Nettle and FG2B close.

I'm mixed race.
Like some of the other ppl have said they sound very
Cultural. But backwards lol.
If I was in your dd shoes I would tell bf
To provide for his pregnant to be wife and unborn child and grow a pair of balls so he can tell his family that they will live separately. Then he would need to provided housing for the Both of them.
Moving in wouldn't be the worst thing to do as she would get support from her in laws but she would need to keep a firm foot there too.
X

fazsaeed

Pleaae read the entire thread love.
Massive massive error on your part.....

Ooooh God!
I'm soooo sorry!
I just read the original post :(
Sorry!!!
I feel horrible for what I said.
Please excuse my last post.
I'm speechless.
Hope everything is going better.
I briefly read over the past few pages as ds is asleep.

Oh I really am sorry
(sending hugs your way)
X

Well done OP´s daughter!

Fazseed, please don't feel bad, everything is going to be positive from now onwards x

It seems that she takes after her mum, then. :)

Let's hope it is the beginning of his grip really getting loose.

Can I ask for a quick update?
I know ive married a Pakistani lad but he's nothing like him!
I also know that some Pakistani lads are absolute ass holes.
My brother was one of them.
I was at the beach a few weeks ago and there were3 p.ls and they where pissed ( as you probably know we can't drink) and they were trying to get young White girls pissed ( both parties were young between ages of 17-21) but it was disgusting to see.
I blame this on parenting as at home so much is not allowed when the lads are out and no one watching te fuck about to an unbelievable extent.
X
I hope you are all ok
X

I've just had a proper read.
All I can say is he's a wanker.
When is your dd due?
How old is she?
She sounds young ( I'm 20)
And yessss get her on here lol
X

Where the fuck is the justice?

Police have been, as it is the 'first' breach of the order they feel it appropriate to give him a verbal warning. What exactly was the point in getting the order in the first place????

I suspected that would be the case.

It was "just" a phone call.

But it will be on record and he will know your DD will report it to the police.

He might become cocky, though and think that the police won't do much.

That's disgusting but
I suppose that's the police for you too.
Sometimes you can't fault them other times they could of done more.
X

I know you were hoping for more, but it will be showing him that your dd is not afraid to stand up for herself and she will contact the police on her own behalf if required. He needs to know this. And as Lueji said, it will now be on record too.

Stay strong, thinking of you

FG2B, it's fine. honestly.

The fact that the police HAVE been called will be enough of a slap in his face for now. He'll know he's beat.

IF he ramps up or repeats contact, the police WILL have to act.

Yes it's disappointing but the police have to build a case and follow procedures: for most people it is enough to get a warning from the police (it's enough that the police have been alerted). We know that with types like this it isn't enough BUT the police are on the case and we will hovering over it. All the right agencies are on alert.

Now, on to you OP. Have you been to see your GP about teh immense stress you're under (which pumps through your posts)? yy your daughter is the key person here, but you are her key support. I suspect, reading between the lines, that you're getting it in the neck from her somewhat - you need to be shored up, not just for her but for you . Abused people can often be abusive to the next in line iyswim. Get some support for you too sweetie.

Your poor DD good job this vermin showed his true colours before she ended up married to him.

Am just having a really bad day. DD has blamed me for everything again and even said that the Ex was right in that I never really cared or would support her. Shes gone away for the weekend. I just can't stop crying.

Have seen the GP and been prescibed medication, makes no difference. I am tired of everything now.

Your DD has just been brainwashed by this evil man she does not mean it

How long have you been on the meds? (and what are they?). If ADs, it takes a while for them to kick in. Hold on sweetie. at least you're getting a break from her this w/e.

Too much about your situation reminds me of mine. Kids going through something terrible: check; Kids blaming me: check (when all I've ever done is support them to the hilt. and beyond).

There should be support groups around for this type of thing

I have no one.

Everything, what?
His abuse?
The police not arresting him?

I hope she has gone somewhere he can't reach her.

You have us. Not as great as RL but, actually, sometimes better. I suspect your daughter is being abused by this shit, and that you are being abused by your daughter. So, not clear cut. You're suffering too.

OP, I remember reading the initial post and just seen the thread again, I can't believe how much has happened!

I think it is quite normal for your daughter to be having ups and downs and changing her mind frequently. I think it is also to be expected that you are going to have to bear the brunt of her emotions. You have to keep on being strong for her and things WILL get better, but it is going to take time.

In my experience injunctions don't really work, I'm really sorry to say that. My mum got one out against my dad and it didnt keep him away. If someone is bad enough to be given an injunction, they aren't really going to be that bothered about it, especially if they have already been in and out of prison.

If the situation is as serious as I am reading it to be, then I think the mst important thing is for you and you daughter to move ASAP with no forwarding details. I appreciate this is a massive undertaking especially when there is so much happening already, but you need to be able to walk down the road without looking over your shoulder.

I think in regards to the police, social services etc. you have got to be your daughters champion and if you want or need something from them, keep pestering them, don't allow them to forget you.

I really hope for you that things get better soon.

The thing with abusive dynamics is that victims are trained to do as they are told, in all things, at all times. If things aren't done in the right way they can panic. They are forced and controlled to beyond all limits while in the relationship. They are unable to have their own feelings at any time.

Abusers also change the rules from the frankly mad to the totally insane at the drop of a hat, yet we are supposed to know this in advance.

Remove the source of control and the panic sets in, we don't know what to do! the merest thing we can panic at, no knowing what we ought to be doing and our confidence is so knocked as to think that we can't do anything right anyway. there can also be erratic behaviour, ups and downs as we try to find our own level in all this chaos.

YOU have had issues in the past with controlling behaviour FG2B, you have not resolved those issues (it's OK, you've never had to) Now your DD is going through extreme violence, extreme abuse and threats and she is hormonal to boot. YOU (being a bloody marvellous mum) are trying to take it all away, to make it all OK for her, but of course it's not YOU that holds that key.

Your DD is learning to think again for herself, she is scared, and yes she too wants it all to just go away, she doesn't want to deal with any of it.

The feelings you are both feeling are natural, normal and tbh, if you weren't going through them tbh, I'd be worried.

her outbursts also mean that she is feeling able to express herself safely to you.

As hard as it is, don't panic yourself, stay calm, she's a bright girl, she knows what to do, she has great instincts and the FOG that this bastard has surrounded her in will lift for good eventually. I don't blame her for wanting to get away for the weekend, it's not you that she's running from, it's the fear and the mess that has you both all tied up in knots.

Who was that woman that talked to her before? when she came out of there she only wanted cuddles? remember? can you call her for some back up?

You know that you are not alone. Pick up the phone, call WA, you have my number too.