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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Mixed culture relationship problems

293 replies

furiousgrantobe · 29/03/2012 03:09

My daughter and her bf have been together 7 years but it has been complicated by the fact that he is of Pakistani origin and she is of english mother/brazilian father mixed race. I have been aware of the relationship from the beginning as I am very close to my daughter and whilst it wouldn't have been my choice of partner for her I have always supported the relationship as her happiness is of paramount importance. His family became aware of the relationship at the beginning due to him unfortunately being sent to prison and my daughter and I attended the court and his family were amicable towards us. She has fully supported him through 2 stints in prison, I believe in giving someone a second chance and since his last release 4 years ago he has been a changed person.
The relationship has been almost hidden from his family and my daughter has never been to his house but has met his sister and got on well with her.
My DD found out 8 weeks ago that she is pregnant and due to medical problems in the past was told that it was almost impossible to conceive naturally. They were to begin IVF treatment next month! Obviously she was shocked but delighted with the news as was her bf.
Now the real issues begin. BF has admitted the relationship to the family which they begrudging accepted on the condition that DD learns urdu, she has no problem with that.
BF then has to admit a week later that DD is in fact preganant and as you can imagine all hell broke loose. His sister even phoned DD to plead with her to have an abortion not realising she is in fact 14 weeks pregnant now. She has since apologised but I still find it unforgiveable.
His parents then say they will accept 'things' if they can marry quickly, ie in the next few weeks! My DD was not against this although it was not what she would have ideally wanted but then came the further demands. After the wedding she had to move in with his family, this was flatly refused. DD has always maintained she wanted to stay at home until the baby is born and for a few months after and then either buy or rent a house together. His parents will not compromise. They have not contacted me which I find very disrespectful and feel that it them making all the demands. I realise it is a cultural thing but surely compromises have to be met?

BF has now not contacted DD and she is very down and upset, he said some very hurtful things to her in anger but feels she has compromised enough in agreeing to marry but sticking to original plans. I would welcome anyone views on this situation. BF family have said they will not accept DD or baby if they are not married before the birth and living together.

Please help!!

OP posts:
jifnotcif · 05/04/2012 19:39

Wow! What a day indeed. And how I missed a whole raft of posts about his violence fails me - so sorry for my previous post, suggesting you speak to him! Shock

All the best, let's hope her experience sets an example to people who think they are above the law.

PineCones · 05/04/2012 20:14

OP you are a star.
Hugs, stay strong.

FriedSprout · 05/04/2012 20:29

Good to hear that you are both ok, please keep us posted if you can. Good news that your daughter is sticking to her guns too. Take care

Heleninahandcart · 05/04/2012 21:44

Furious thank goodness the court saw some sense. You have been a total star in the way you've stepped in to protect your DD, it must be a living hell right now. If your DD follows your wonderful example in parenting your GC, I think you can know that everything will be ok once you get through this. Try to take some time for you, you need to look after yourself too. Let's hope you have a more peaceful time ahead until he gets himself locked up for good you can put permanent plans in place to protect yourselves.

marriednotdead · 05/04/2012 22:11

You are doing brilliantly, have no doubt about that. All your protective instincts have come to the fore and will keep you strong through this nightmare.

The police can provide a fireproof letterbox which fits to the back of your front door; a friend had to have one fitted sadly.

butterfingerz · 05/04/2012 22:35

furiousgrantobe wow, you and your DD have been through so much. Your original post is so diplomatic but I'm hazarding a guess that you've been sitting on your hands for a long time re this relationship. This man is entirely unworthy of your DD and your unborn DGC, it doesn't sound like he'd be worthy of any woman... sounds absolutely vile and thoroughly unhinged.

Please keep updating us so we know you're all ok, I don't even know you but I'm praying for you!

Original poster
furiousgrantobe · 06/04/2012 12:12

A more 'relaxed' night, if that is the right word! DD starting to open up to me more but I am having problems getting a counsellor with it being the bank holiday weekend. She is very worried about returning to court in case he contests the order but I doubt very much he will and if he does then I will be with her and the police have said they will send an officer with us. I just have to keep reasurring her.

She's now very worried she may have lost her job. She spoke to her employers last night, it is difficult for me to reveal too much to protect our identities, but given her job I personally would be reluctant for her to return, but again we will deal with that if we have to.

It seems so unfair that we are the victims yet we are the ones suffering both emotionally and financially. DD is not eligible for legal aid (assuming she is still employed) so it cost £1,500 for yesterday not to mention the cost of paying for the 'safe' place that she stayed at for 2 nights.

I am now waiting to hear the order has been served so will update you later.

I really cannot thank you enough for all of your moral support.

OP posts:
Original poster
furiousgrantobe · 06/04/2012 12:15

Re job, what I meant to say was, if I was in her employers position I would be reluctant for her to return, just to clarify!

OP posts:
Thumbbunny · 06/04/2012 12:22

hmm, well her employers need to be jolly careful about "letting her go" while she's pregnant!! Even if that's not the reason, it's still a dangerous game to play for them.

I can also see their point but once the restraining order is in place, he won't legally be able to go near her, will he? So he shouldn't be able to go near her at work either, or they can call the police and have him removed. They need to be a bit circumspect about this - and so does your DD - the restraining order is a GOOD thing. I hope that she can overcome her fear and the idea that this man has any control left over her, and continue to do the right thing.

jifnotcif · 06/04/2012 12:24

It is so sad when you hear of cases like this, where culture seems to be a cover for dominating, bullying and controlling to ensure that segregation wins over tolerance. I hope that our legal system prevails to ensure these incidents don't increase.

Eglu · 06/04/2012 12:29

Just come across this thread. Furious I really feel for you and your DD. I hope this can all be sorted quickly and that you can both feel safe again.

Original poster
furiousgrantobe · 06/04/2012 21:09

The order has now been served. Just been to the hospital for a quick check to reassure DD and everything is fine with baby.

I must say the police and other agencies dealing with this matter have been fantastic but you have all been my lifeline and given me the will and encouragement to find the strength to deal with this.

Thank you.

OP posts:
HoudiniHissy · 06/04/2012 21:37

That is great news Furious. You are a terrific mum. I wished I'd had someone in my corner like you when it all started.

MN is fabulous, both for stuff like this and for the aftermath of leaving an abuser. If your DD needs more direct online help... give her a nudge over to MN!
[bugrin]

butterflyexperience · 06/04/2012 21:47

Fb be strong for your daughter.
You have done an amazing job Smile

The exbf sounds very scarey

FriedSprout · 06/04/2012 22:19

So very glad that your dd and baby are doing well. Good to hear that you are getting support from the authorities too.

Thumbbunny · 06/04/2012 22:37

That's great news - hope your DD takes some comfort from it and you can both go forward from here in planning how to keep him away from you all permanently.

zipzap · 06/04/2012 23:20

Glad to hear that your dd is being taken seriously by the police.

Hopefully her ex is also taking things seriously and complying with injunctions etc.

Is there any way that you or the dv police officer could speak to somebody senior in the community her ex is from or the mosque his family goes to and get them to exert some pressure on the ex and his family and friends to stop with the threats and violence and behave properly?

Original poster
furiousgrantobe · 07/04/2012 07:39

Zipzap, funnily enough I had my suspicions things were going to escalate a couple of weeks ago and I did contact the Imam at the local mosque. I only received an email in reply on Tuesday from a Professor who is the head of education there which was very nice asking me to call him and he would be happy to see me and discuss things.

Obviously now things have moved forward, I think to do anything further would only inflame the situation.

A far more relaxed and peaceful night but is this the lull before the storm? I hope not.

OP posts:
HoudiniHissy · 07/04/2012 15:20

Furious, I hope too that it'll all be smooth running, but we can't be sure of that.

Expect and plan for the worst, but hope for the best.

defuse · 08/04/2012 00:05

furiousgrantobe i have been following the thread and regarding what you have said about mosque imam and professor, is it a large mosque with an established education/ school attached? Also, is it local to where his family live?Sorry if i have got my wires crossed here, but despite things having taken a turn in such drastic ways, i would still see the imam. I cant say for certain, and the ex-bf seems like a waste of space, but his family MAY be shamed into reigning him in. ( although that is only at a guess).

Original poster
furiousgrantobe · 09/04/2012 06:10

Defuse, yes it is a largish mosque and yes, it is local to where him and his family live. I really do think to do anything further might inflame the situation. From what I can gather his father especially is well thought of in his local community and he may be unaware of the situation or he could have instigated it? I really don't know.

The immediate concern now is getting legal advice regarding DD employment. Her employer is now trying to make things difficult for her to return but obviously are aware of the legal situation regarding her pregnancy.

Do things ever end???

OP posts:
HoudiniHissy · 09/04/2012 09:46

You are doing everything right as far as I can seem

If the mosque is ANYTHING less than helpful, and if the family don't back (the ffing ff off) then I'd consider going to the press... The DM would consider this a gift from the gods. Young PG teenager, fervent mosque and frothing family?

Remember, they are ALL on terra normala now, where the laws of the land protect women from abuse, racism (of which the family are also guilty) and religion based threats.

Especially highly thought of in the community? I'm prepared to bet this man is in FULL possession of the facts and is driving the campaign to protect his glorious image. He can be prosecuted too.. Remember that?

Know your power!

Good for you on the employment law advice. They'll have to make her a handsome out of court payout if they want rid of her. Equivalent to full maternity pay for the year if I were you! Anything less than this and you go tou court... Of course reminding them that the tribunal IS public, that the PRESS and general public, clients, customers, suppliers can all attend if they so need to. Even the local press would have a field day, this story is outrageous from ALL sides.

Original poster
furiousgrantobe · 11/04/2012 06:47

Hissy,

The book arrived yesterday, I tried tactfully to give it to DD (after reading a few chapters whilst she was out) and got the response I was expecting! Why have you bought that? Its not relevant for me etc etc. Told her fine leave it there (in the kitchen) then. A couple of hours later I took her a cup of tea in her room to find her immersed in reading it but didn't make any comment!!!

Lets hope its not money wasted.

Thanks for the advice and all the support to everyone but especially Hissy.

OP posts:
HoudiniHissy · 12/04/2012 00:50

Oh love, i am so happy that she's reading it!

Good for her.

I too was terrified of the book, only read it after he had gone.

had to be booted up the bum encouraged by MNers to read it. I think it's so comforting to read AFTER they have gone as the book allows us to FORGIVE ourselves the monumental stupidity we feel at having fallen for them.

It's ONLY a book, right... It's a life changing book. It's a book to dip back into once you have read it cover to cover. It really helps us understand the dynamics at work.

Power and Control - why charming men make dangerous lovers might be another book on the reading list.... Grin

You are welcome, I am so proud to 'know' such strong and brave women. I hope you can get in touch with Taking Steps. Our group is back on as of next week.

As for the other issues wrt work, but suffice to say, you need legal advice. Does your Household insurance cover Legal Services? sometimes it does..? Otherwise go to the CAB. They can't do what they are doing, I understand their position, but that is no excuse to circumvent employment rights, assuming that she has been there long enough to qualify for full Mat Bens.

You might try posting in Legal Matters on MN... there are some AWESOME MNers over there....

Original poster
furiousgrantobe · 12/04/2012 05:51

Another book I've found is;

It's My Life Now: Starting Over After an Abusive Relationship or Domestic Violence
by Meg Kennedy Dugan (Paperback)

Does anyone have any knowledge of it? I've read a sample on my iphone but am always dubious about 'self help' books without personal referrals.

Thanks

OP posts: