Mixed culture relationship problems

[furiousgrantobe]

My daughter and her bf have been together 7 years but it has been complicated by the fact that he is of Pakistani origin and she is of english mother/brazilian father mixed race. I have been aware of the relationship from the beginning as I am very close to my daughter and whilst it wouldn't have been my choice of partner for her I have always supported the relationship as her happiness is of paramount importance. His family became aware of the relationship at the beginning due to him unfortunately being sent to prison and my daughter and I attended the court and his family were amicable towards us. She has fully supported him through 2 stints in prison, I believe in giving someone a second chance and since his last release 4 years ago he has been a changed person.
The relationship has been almost hidden from his family and my daughter has never been to his house but has met his sister and got on well with her.
My DD found out 8 weeks ago that she is pregnant and due to medical problems in the past was told that it was almost impossible to conceive naturally. They were to begin IVF treatment next month! Obviously she was shocked but delighted with the news as was her bf.
Now the real issues begin. BF has admitted the relationship to the family which they begrudging accepted on the condition that DD learns urdu, she has no problem with that.
BF then has to admit a week later that DD is in fact preganant and as you can imagine all hell broke loose. His sister even phoned DD to plead with her to have an abortion not realising she is in fact 14 weeks pregnant now. She has since apologised but I still find it unforgiveable.
His parents then say they will accept 'things' if they can marry quickly, ie in the next few weeks! My DD was not against this although it was not what she would have ideally wanted but then came the further demands. After the wedding she had to move in with his family, this was flatly refused. DD has always maintained she wanted to stay at home until the baby is born and for a few months after and then either buy or rent a house together. His parents will not compromise. They have not contacted me which I find very disrespectful and feel that it them making all the demands. I realise it is a cultural thing but surely compromises have to be met?

BF has now not contacted DD and she is very down and upset, he said some very hurtful things to her in anger but feels she has compromised enough in agreeing to marry but sticking to original plans. I would welcome anyone views on this situation. BF family have said they will not accept DD or baby if they are not married before the birth and living together.

Please help!!

oh, not seen that one. Sounds interesting though. Pop into a big waterstones or something, maybe they would have it for you to browse?

Or order it from Amazon, you could always send it back if you don't think it's useful..

I feel as though I am at breaking point. Its one thing after another and the repurcussions of this whole situation are horrendous.
Received a letter today, addressed to me from Social Services basically outlining the events and for some reason assuming I am the 'victim'. It went on to add that I will be required to attend 3 formal assessment appointments the first being '35th April?' each lasting an hour and a half. Obviously, they cannot even get the most basic facts right. DD more upset than ever now as she feels it is her that is being punished when all she wants to do is enjoy her pregnancy and be left alone.
I have been blamed by her for everything ie I 'forced' her to do the order, I offer no support, I take pleasure in all that is happening.....this could not be further from the truth, but I feel she hates me with a vengenance at the moment.
I have no one to turn to and confide in except on here and I really do not know how much longer I can carry on with all this.
Please someone advise me. We are due in court tomorrow to find out if he opposes the order.

Does your daughter want a reconciliation with him ?
If not it is probably her being hormonal and reacting to all that has gone on.

Don't look at the letter from SS until you are feeling strong enough to deal with it, and you feel capable of outlining the facts to them clearly without getting cross or emotional.

Is there anyone your DD can go and stay with for a wee while family or friends, to give you both breathing space from one another?

I'd make a cuppa, sit down, the pair of you and just drink it. say nothing.

THEN I'd call the SS people and point out their errors. I'd also get them to explain to you what is going on and why your DD is impelled to do ANYTHING tbh? I don't think that she has to do anything, but it'd be good to find out for sure.

Your DD is possibly hormonal, but also the shock is lifting. She doesn't want to be in this situation, wants it all to go away, but you are the closest one and she feels safe enough to lash out at you.

She doesn't mean it. Let things calm down, bigger picture time, and explain to her the reasons why, how ever she is feeling, you all HAVE to do what you are doing. She is in denial to a point. It's a lot to take in. be calm, be consistent, be there. Carry on doing what you are doing.

A reconciliation will kill her, almost definitely, literally. She has to understand that.

She definitely does not want a reconciliation with him.
I feel so alone and worthless not made easier by my toxic mother confirming I am

FG2B - dont you dare think you are worthless - you are fighting hard for your daughter - in best 'mother tiger' tradition.

It's horrible watching, helpless, whilst one's DCs make hideous mistakes - but it's what we HAVE to do.

Your daughter must be as traumatised as you by all this (more so, and pregnant) - she is only taking everything out on you because she can! She knows you won't desert her, whatever she does - she knows that you love her unconditionally. Hold onto that thought.

Agree with Busy and Happy. You are doing everything possible to help your child, and as a mum that will not always make you popular, but that does NOT make what you are doing wrong. She will see this, maybe not right now though. Just be patient, stay calm and look to the long term. This is your child, not your mothers, ignore, ignore, ignore.

FG2B, my own M and my sis left me to it. The both turned their backs on me when I needed merely a kindly text or email. When matters came to a head the both fucked off to as far away as they could without actually leaving our earth's atmosphere.

If your DM (who will have been a driving force in the success of YOUR previous abuse) isn't 100% behind you and her GD, then do the world and yourselves a favour and VENT at her! My mother and my sis have their day coming. I'll work through my hurt, anger, shock and disappointment in them in therapy, but when the time comes I'll read them BOTH their fortunes.

If she's not with you, she's against you. Make that clear to her, and to everyone in earshot. Then once you've got your DD through this, YOU decide IF you want such a toxic person in your life.

DD has spoken to SS and has been left in no doubt that the 'assessments' are compulsory and made very thinly veiled threats about court orders, child protection issues and even foster care if she doesn't comply............WTF??
My DD is trained in child protection so knows what is involved, why are we being victimised?

She now won't speak to me or acknowledge me, except to lay the blame firmly for everything at my feet. She is already terrified that they will judge her an 'unfit' mother due to events and I am extremely worried for her mental and physically welfare.

Anyone legal with any advice to give?

just go and jump through their hoops.

how are the exs family now?

Been having regular contact with the 'Diversity crimes unit' who have taken over the handling of the case and the latest update from their visit yesterday was that intelligence had gathered information that the family is saying DD has bought 'shame and dishonour' to their family and community.

DD doesn't seem to realise the full implications of what this could mean and is adamant that her ex will not harm her. I am afraid that it won't be him but maybe someone else?

I am praying he doesn't attend court tomorrow to defend the case and have tried to explain to DD the importance of carrying on with the injunction, at least to satisfy outside agencies she is doing everything in her power to protect her unborn child.

yes, a friend of mine has basically been told by ss that if she doesnt give evidence against her husband they will take that as saying she cant protect her child from harm, so will take him in to care. i suppose this case is similar :(

and the family is muppets, it is not your dd that has done anything to their family it is their son.

Ok I understand nailak, but this the DD's baby isn't born, so there is no 'father' and therefore no PR, so as the DD isn't living with this guy, the SS can't threaten her with anything. SHE is safe - as long as the injunction is in place.

the SS won't judge her as unfit, they can't, as long as she does ALL she can to keep away from him and his family.

FG2B, your fears may be well founded, look at the honour based stuff that makes it into the news, it's the father, or the cousin, or the uncle that does the murder/attack, not the actual DP.

I think that you and your DD will have to 'vanish' You will need help to do that. You can't tell ANYONE where you are going, especially not even your mum.

I'm so sorry. What a nightmare

Just read this, it sounds an awful situation for you FG.

I don't have any wise words that will help you, although you do sound as though you are dealing with this really well.

I didnt want to just read and run, having read this just wanted to say that you sound like a brilliant mum to your DD. Don't worry, although she is angry, upset, confused and worried at the moment, one day when this is all over she will she what a great support and friend she had in you and will thank you for all this.

Just spoke to DD regarding her conversation with SS. Unbelievably they are also intending to visit her Ex to explain to him how to obtain Parental Responsibility, how this could be in anyones interest is beyond comprehension.

DD has made an appointment at Marie Stopes for Friday morning...................................

I have never ever felt so alone or completely helpless..............................

hugs

i dont know what to say except we are thinking of you...

After not much sleeep its not very reassurring to read the first new thread on here, 'Another woman killed by her ex partner'......

If SS are going to advise him of PR does that mean we will never be able to disappear????

How can someone with a history of violence, abuse, mental cruelty and who poses a massive risk as an abductor be allowed to care for a child, I wouldn't trust him with a pot plant.

Are SS really so bloody, utterly incompetent? Don't answer that, as I already know its a 'yes'.

Is there any way of getting the various services to work together? Could you get the Diversity Crimes Unit to contact the social services and at least pass on their findings and your daughter's partner's criminal record? Although a proper case conference and full co-operation would be better, I would think.

Also, what about legal support? Women's Aid recommend Rights of Women (website www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/, advice line 0207 251 6577) Could you contact them for advice?

Thinking of you and wishing you strength, like many others. I'm close to tears reading about your terrible situation.

Unless the fathers name in on the birth certificate he won't have automatic PR, he would have to go to court and apply for it. In most cases it is granted, however, in this case, I am not sure it would be granted, but that's just my opinion, I don't have a legal background

SS can advise him of PR but you can still disappear. Do it before the baby is born before he has a chance to even apply for PR. He can't apply for it before the baby is born.

Move, change your names etc, don't tell anyone where you've gone

I suppose SS will want to see if there is any likelihood your DD will get back together with her ex once the baby is born, this would be a safeguarding issue. A lot of women do return to horrendously abusive relationships, so they will want to see what steps she is taking to protect her child

Oh dear god.

FG2B, i can barely imagine what you are both going through. Please just keep talking to her, keep supporting her, no matter what she decides to do.

If the decision to attend the appointment on Friday is genuinely what she feels she wants to do, support her. If she is doing this out of fear, but doesn't want to go through with it, support her. Tell her that you will be there for her regardless.

I can so understand her thinking on this. If she is being told that he will get a visit and advice on PR, that is just too terrifying for words.

Talk to her about what she really wants, magic wand time. Then move. the 2 of you, and don't tell anyone where you have gone. The Diversity Crimes people are telling you that there is a 'buzz' in the neighbourhood. That is enough for you to apply to get real help to move.

Thinking of you.

Your DD is 11/12 weeks pregnant now? If she can't continue with the pregnancy then she needs to keep the Friday appointment. She can change her mind after, she can change her mind right up until the last minute, but she needs to get going on the process now I think.

If you can get help to move, move. If not, move anyway. If she does go through with termination then she might do something like send a letter saying she lost the baby and is leaving town if that would let everyone cool down. I don't know if that would help keep you all safe.

I am not religious but God must be giving me some inner strength as I don't know how I am coping.

Attended court earlier (unlike our Solicitor who had forgot) luckily we got a barrister from chambers to be with us, ex turned up and opposed the order. DD hysterical at being told he was there and ran out of the waiting room. Managed to calm her down enough to return to a private room where thank god she gave instructions for the case to continue to a full hearing. The judge allowed the barrister to go into court alone because of the distressed state DD was in. Non molestation order in place indefinitely, now we go to a full hearing in approx Aug/Sep.

She has admitted she doesn't want a termination but feels it is in the babies best interest. She is beyond reasoning with at the moment so am leaving her to sleep for a while. She is 19 weeks pregnant so it would be horrific should she decide thats whats to be.

I saw some of the events that have happened as far back as 2007 in her statement, I wished I hadn't...

Oh love. You poor thing. I have no advice, words or wisdom for you, but I send all my love and strength to you both.

Can you talk to your solicitor/barrister about giving evidence remotely? I'm thinking if you move, you could give evidence via satellite link? There is going to be danger from that family regardless of the thing on Friday or not. Again, I totally understand her thinking, I would probably think and consider exactly the same, but I'm not sure it would solve the problem or remove the risk, as SHE may still be a target regardless. This needs to be investigated, as even if she went to those drastic measures, it may not help her safety.

Can you discuss this with the Diversity Team? What about that Nirvana charity? could they advise you on potential risks? you could always get them to appear as expert witnesses too perhaps.