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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Mixed culture relationship problems

293 replies

furiousgrantobe · 29/03/2012 03:09

My daughter and her bf have been together 7 years but it has been complicated by the fact that he is of Pakistani origin and she is of english mother/brazilian father mixed race. I have been aware of the relationship from the beginning as I am very close to my daughter and whilst it wouldn't have been my choice of partner for her I have always supported the relationship as her happiness is of paramount importance. His family became aware of the relationship at the beginning due to him unfortunately being sent to prison and my daughter and I attended the court and his family were amicable towards us. She has fully supported him through 2 stints in prison, I believe in giving someone a second chance and since his last release 4 years ago he has been a changed person.
The relationship has been almost hidden from his family and my daughter has never been to his house but has met his sister and got on well with her.
My DD found out 8 weeks ago that she is pregnant and due to medical problems in the past was told that it was almost impossible to conceive naturally. They were to begin IVF treatment next month! Obviously she was shocked but delighted with the news as was her bf.
Now the real issues begin. BF has admitted the relationship to the family which they begrudging accepted on the condition that DD learns urdu, she has no problem with that.
BF then has to admit a week later that DD is in fact preganant and as you can imagine all hell broke loose. His sister even phoned DD to plead with her to have an abortion not realising she is in fact 14 weeks pregnant now. She has since apologised but I still find it unforgiveable.
His parents then say they will accept 'things' if they can marry quickly, ie in the next few weeks! My DD was not against this although it was not what she would have ideally wanted but then came the further demands. After the wedding she had to move in with his family, this was flatly refused. DD has always maintained she wanted to stay at home until the baby is born and for a few months after and then either buy or rent a house together. His parents will not compromise. They have not contacted me which I find very disrespectful and feel that it them making all the demands. I realise it is a cultural thing but surely compromises have to be met?

BF has now not contacted DD and she is very down and upset, he said some very hurtful things to her in anger but feels she has compromised enough in agreeing to marry but sticking to original plans. I would welcome anyone views on this situation. BF family have said they will not accept DD or baby if they are not married before the birth and living together.

Please help!!

OP posts:
Original poster
furiousgrantobe · 04/04/2012 09:49

Have called the police but they have just logged the calls. I have to wait for DV to contact me.

OP posts:
Original poster
furiousgrantobe · 04/04/2012 09:50

clam, yes he went to prison actually 3 times for ABH/GBH.

OP posts:
clam · 04/04/2012 09:53

Hmm, what a catch. His family should be thanking the heavens that your dd was willing to take him on, not turning up their noses at her.
Although I appreciate it's more complex than that.

Original poster
furiousgrantobe · 04/04/2012 10:40

Just had to dial 999 he was banging on the door and shouting, took the police 9 mins to get here by which time he had heard the police sirens and sped off.

OP posts:
colditz · 04/04/2012 11:39

Please go out. Go to a friend's house, fdon't stay there any more. I really do think you're in danger.

FriedSprout · 04/04/2012 12:02

I hope you are now somewhere very safe and the police are taking your safety seriously too. Can't begin to think how frightening this must be for you and your daughter. Have you friends you can go to?

Original poster
furiousgrantobe · 04/04/2012 12:15

Police have advised me to stay in the house. Address and phone numbers are marked as Cat 1 which is immediate response, DD is safe where she is and will be staying there tonight. I think she is finally going to make a full statement but am waiting for further updates.

Thank you so much for all your support, can hardly type for shaking so much.

OP posts:
FriedSprout · 04/04/2012 12:20

Do you have anyone that can come and hold your hand?

Original poster
furiousgrantobe · 04/04/2012 12:25

No! Tried to contact some close friends from work but they must be flying so are not available. I am not scared for my own safety, I would willingly give my life to protect either of my DD's.

The police have spoken to him and warned him to stay away but I know the house and especially her car are being watched, if not by him then by his friends. I can't risk going to see her as much as I want to.

OP posts:
FriedSprout · 04/04/2012 12:36

Please put some thought to your own protection, your dd's need you around to do granny type things with your grandchildren. You sound like a strong, caring and capable mum and you will get through this.

Lueji · 04/04/2012 12:40

Big hugs

If it's any consolation, my ex has threatened to kill me several times but hasn't actually harmed me seriously.
Hopefully your DD will be safe.
Particularly if he knows that the police are aware of what is happening.

On the other hand, if his friends and family are involved, it could turn more serious. :(

Would it be possible for her to go to family elsewhere and take leave from work?

She should make sure not to be alone anywhere and be aware of her surroundings at all times, particularly when getting in and out of the car.
Get a personal alarm, mace spray (even hairspray could be a deterrent) and put her mobile phone on quick dial to 999.
You too. :(

If any of them comes too close, go for the groin and the eyes.

I hope all goes well.

Original poster
furiousgrantobe · 04/04/2012 13:36

I feel as though I am living a nightmare................

OP posts:
beanyberry · 04/04/2012 14:17

I cant begin to imagine how you are feeling! I dont have any advice as such but i really dont think you should be in the house alone, please try get someone with you, even a neighbour will do, if you think his friends are now involved then i really think you need to have someone with you until the police manage to do something more hands on. Do you think he is targeting your house because he thinks your DD is still there? I would advise the same as previous poster, have some kind of 'protection' on you or close by and a personal alarm is a great idea. If you are on speaking terms with your neighbours could you possible inform them of the situation (as much as you wish) but see if they would be willing to keep an eye out for you and the house?

Original poster
furiousgrantobe · 04/04/2012 14:19

An injunction is being put in place today with powers of arrest and we are being given 'Alpha' alarms in the home and something she is to carry at all times to summon for help.

Thank god she has seen sense and done the right thing.

OP posts:
beanyberry · 04/04/2012 14:25

Thats good, I truly hope this nightmare ends soon for you both and that this lowlife gets put back behind bars again and you and your daughter and grandchild can move on in peace and safety. Wishing you all the very best!

empirestateofmind · 04/04/2012 15:42

Thank goodness the police are on board and DD is safe. What a total nightmare. As beany says can you get someone to be in the house with you? As protection and witness?

I hope too that he is behind bars soon. And that DD doesn't put him on the birth certificate.

Thinking of you and DD xx

DinahMoHum · 04/04/2012 17:14

oh god what a nightmare

Abitwobblynow · 04/04/2012 17:46

How about having a DNA test and telling him he isn't the father???!!!!

Who cares if he calls her a slag. The sooner he is gone the better.

HoudiniHissy · 04/04/2012 17:58

Oh dear god. FGTB I am so sorry. I never thought it would happen this dramatically and this soon.

If there is a silver lining it is that this harassment is now criminal (mere verbal threats to kill are an offence in themselves) with his record they will pursue it, the courts WILL act on it and injuctions WILL be issued against him for direct and indirect. I hope that bearing in mind the hot topic that is Honour Crime atm, they may extend the protection to INCLUDE all members of his family/associates.

Yes. You need to move. ASAP.

I hope that now she sees that there is no way back from this and it's OVER

Flatbread · 04/04/2012 18:17

Furiousgran,

First of all, I don't think this is a cultural thing. I am South Asian married to an European man. Most of my friends at home have very normal marriages, away from their families, pursuing their careers and loved and cared by their spouse as equal partners. One of my best friends, a South Asian man, accepted his wife's affair because they have a good relationship otherwise, and he really wants to be with her. Another friend lives very close to her parents (not his) and her DH comes home from work and cooks dinner for the family. Another has an 'open' marriage where both partners have their discreet affairs, but the couple are best of friends and very fond of each other. I am pointing these out as examples, as these marriages are just the same as anywhere else.

This is NOT some exotic cultural thing. This is about an aggressive , dangerous man and his enabling family. He turned out the way he is, probably because he comes from a crap, dysfunctional family. You can see them everywhere, and it is just easier to recognize the signs when it is someone from a similar background.

If I were you, I would leave and move to a different city, if possible. He frankly seems unhinged and i would not trust your dd or grandchild to be safe around him and his scum family.

Please stay strong. Your dd is so lucky to have you!

littleducks · 04/04/2012 18:41

Sounds horrid, please keep posting if it helps, you must be so stressed.

There are cultural elements to what was said at the beginning but I agree now it looks like he is just a complete idiot with a violent nasty steak. It sounds like th epolice are taking it seriously and putting the right steps in place.

Normally my advice with things like this (baby/unreasonable demands) would be to make it public within the pakistani community, it can be very insular and the idea of it getting out would probably terrify his mum. However i think you are right to be scared of this man and definately would advise you take his threats seriously and consider him as very dangerous Sad

Panamama · 04/04/2012 18:49

furiousgrantobe, this is only a small idea, but since you're staying in your house would you consider getting a box to put outside your door for your mail and having you letterbox sealed up? Just so no one can put anything through the door that could harm you. This man sounds very dangerous.

Original poster
furiousgrantobe · 04/04/2012 18:50

Alarm now installed, meeting solicitor at court at 09.30 tomorrow, just cant stop crying.......

OP posts:
littleducks · 04/04/2012 18:50

What was he in jail for before btw, did it involve any kind of violence?

Original poster
furiousgrantobe · 04/04/2012 18:51

House is discreetly on the market also.

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