Mixed culture relationship problems

[furiousgrantobe]

My daughter and her bf have been together 7 years but it has been complicated by the fact that he is of Pakistani origin and she is of english mother/brazilian father mixed race. I have been aware of the relationship from the beginning as I am very close to my daughter and whilst it wouldn't have been my choice of partner for her I have always supported the relationship as her happiness is of paramount importance. His family became aware of the relationship at the beginning due to him unfortunately being sent to prison and my daughter and I attended the court and his family were amicable towards us. She has fully supported him through 2 stints in prison, I believe in giving someone a second chance and since his last release 4 years ago he has been a changed person.
The relationship has been almost hidden from his family and my daughter has never been to his house but has met his sister and got on well with her.
My DD found out 8 weeks ago that she is pregnant and due to medical problems in the past was told that it was almost impossible to conceive naturally. They were to begin IVF treatment next month! Obviously she was shocked but delighted with the news as was her bf.
Now the real issues begin. BF has admitted the relationship to the family which they begrudging accepted on the condition that DD learns urdu, she has no problem with that.
BF then has to admit a week later that DD is in fact preganant and as you can imagine all hell broke loose. His sister even phoned DD to plead with her to have an abortion not realising she is in fact 14 weeks pregnant now. She has since apologised but I still find it unforgiveable.
His parents then say they will accept 'things' if they can marry quickly, ie in the next few weeks! My DD was not against this although it was not what she would have ideally wanted but then came the further demands. After the wedding she had to move in with his family, this was flatly refused. DD has always maintained she wanted to stay at home until the baby is born and for a few months after and then either buy or rent a house together. His parents will not compromise. They have not contacted me which I find very disrespectful and feel that it them making all the demands. I realise it is a cultural thing but surely compromises have to be met?

BF has now not contacted DD and she is very down and upset, he said some very hurtful things to her in anger but feels she has compromised enough in agreeing to marry but sticking to original plans. I would welcome anyone views on this situation. BF family have said they will not accept DD or baby if they are not married before the birth and living together.

Please help!!

littleducks yes, 2 counts of ABH/GBH and once for breaking the terms of his licence release.

Furious gran,

You sound like an amazing mum. Your actually are really fortunate because you have seen the guy's true nature now and there is 'no going back'. It could have been so much worse, your dd could have ruined her life and career and probably suffered serious physical assault if she stayed with this man.

Now she is in sooo much of a better place and you both can move on. And you have a lovely baby to look forward to

FGS!
I hope he gets sent back for a good long time, your poor dd.

Furious - so sorry this has happened but going through this nightmare now and your dd being adamant the relationship is over will save a bigger nightmare later. But it won't be easy for her as he's been her way of life for years.

His family want her - of course they do - but on their terms - she support their violent and criminal son, for her to learn their language, be in their house to support them.

They are not even married and he's punishing her for being out of his and their control.

Keep doing all the great things you are doing - I hope he's caught and punished.

Your dd and her child will have a great start being with you. It's called support.

I wish the best for all of you.

I feel so guilty and a failure as a mother to have not known the extent of the circumstances and acted sooner. I am still terrified that he will stop at nothing to kill her.

You are not a failure. You can't live for your child.

All you can do now is to support her.

She is very lucky to have you. :)

My love you are NOT a failure. You are about as far from it as I can imagine atm.

You are here. You are asking for help, you are calling the police, you are getting injunctions, you are doing literally Everything in your power to help, encourage and support her. You are doing this knowing the pain she is feeling, having felt it yourself. We all know how EXCRUCIATING it must be for you.

Your DD literally could not have any finer support than you. You have the WHOLE of MN behind you too! That counts for a lot!

IF any of us can help you in RL, please say?

We will be thinking of you, please keep us updated. Perhaps consider both getting away over Easter? A B&B or something somewhere? Both for a break and for the safety, until this monster is picked up?

Can you scale this up to the local police under a honour/racial crime thingy? If you don't get them immediately jumping up and down all over him, write to your MP, Newspaper, ANYONE to publicise this, and get HIM as much under surveillance as you think He has you.

Also agree with the sealing up of the letter box, alert the police to potential postal threats, and call BT/provider and report him for malicious phone calls.

Go for the big guns straight off. No allowance for benefit of doubt.

I've been following this thread since the beginning, while I don't have any practical advice to give, wanted to echo other posters by saying - you're amazing :)

You are the kind of unconditionally-loving mum that everyone deserves, but few people are lucky enough to have.

Your DD and GC-to-be are lucky to have you in their corner :) Stay safe x

What houdini says.

OP you are a wonderful example of a mother. You've had your doubts and been supportive against all your instincts and then when push comes to shove you've stepped right in to help your dd.

You're doing a grand job as tough as it is. I'm just hoping your daughter stays tough and sees that she needs to be a lone parent with only her name on the birth certificate.

He's a prize knob enabled by his family. What houdini says about uneducated and/or pious families is right and that goes for any family and in any culture in any part of the world.

Your dd was onto a real non runner with that man. The fact that he's a convicted criminal, and more than once, says that you've been fantastically supportive given the issues.

The police have categorised it as an honour/hate based crime which is in the highest category. I can't really think straight anymore. I am going to have a bath and try and sleep.

We are the victims yet I feel we are the ones being punished. I still feel as though I should be doing more, what I really don't know? If anyone has any suggestions I would welcome them.

I cannot thank you all enough for the support you have given and continue giving me.

I am so glad that the police are taking this seriously. that is SUCH an immense help.

If you are in the south, there is a charity called Taking Steps. They have groups in Aldershot, Basingstoke and a nearby village. The leader of this works for the probation service and is a trained DV counsellor. Ask the police if there are any DV victim support groups that you can gain access to, to get counselling/advice from.

Does anyone remember what that charity was that was mentioned on Panorama on Honour Killings? They could offer support too perhaps?

found this re: the Panorama programme

If anyone could send me a link to the 'Taking Steps' website it would be very useful. I have been unable to find it but am now so tired I am going to bed ready to be alert and refreshed to face a new day,

Thank you everyone (sounds so inadequate but you have given me hope and strength to fight another day).

You are so not a failure, but are showing a very good role-model to your daughter and you will, no doubt, be a brilliant a role-model to your grandchild.

Can't begin to think how I would cope with such a situation. Would it perhaps help to start planning for when everything is sorted and your dd needs your help for day to day stuff?

Hope you are still trying to contact friends to come and help out. Meanwhile enjoy your bath, have a glass of wine and try to get a good nights sleep. Easier said than done though.

Thinking of you

womensgrid.freecharity.org.uk/?p=6247

Think this may be the one, contact details are at the bottom

I agree with sealing up your letterbox but would suggest you get your mail redirected to a friend or relative's house, rather than having a box outside, which would be relatively easy to steal and would put your post at risk (and your identity!) Mail redirection is easy to set up but takes a few working days to get in place; however, you might be able to have a word with your postie and ask him/her to drop it into your neighbour's instead so you can seal your letterbox immediately. www.royalmail.com/delivery/inbound-mail/redirections is the site to do it online; you have options for how long you can do it.

Fingers crossed for today.

Am slightly concerned that his previous convictions won't be known at this hearing and it will be based only upon DD statement that she is yet to make. I spoke to her last night at length and she was adamant she would pursue this course of action but am worried she will find the court setting too traumatic and back down.

Updates later, thank you everyone

This is the number for Karma Nirvana - the Honour based violence help line.

Karma Nirvana (Honour Based Violence or Forced 0800 5999 247
Marriage Helpline)

FG - I have Pmed the info I have to you.

If you support her and the police (who sound well trained in this, thank GOD!) will explain the importance of her going through with this.

He has made threats to kill, that is enough for a sentence. You have injunctions in place and a panic button, that surely is enough for someone to take this seriously...

Fingers crossed.

Oh bless her, what a lovely daughter you have. And what a foolish family to let her slip away from them. It is clearly their loss, and if Dad doesn't step up to the mark soon it may be his too.

I remember once years ago my dp saying to me all offended in an argument "are you asking me to choose between my Mum and me?" and I very clearly remember saying 'YES'. Ever since then I have had no problems from his family and everything has settled - but it was just something he had to get straight in his own head and until he did, it just couldn't work.

Perhaps you could talk to the boyfriend yourself?

good luck OP, you are doing brilliantly. keep going, you will be free of all this soon, and can start looking forward to your grandchild.

Thinking of u OP.....keep strong!

Hoping everything went as well as possible today, thinking of you too.

A very quick update.

A non molestation order has been granted with very specific conditions attached which has reasurred me [slightly] but we have to return to court in 2 weeks.

DD is now adamant the relationship is over with no chance of a reconciliation ever and has agreed the baby will be in her sole name.

Its been a long day!

Furiousgran, great news! So glad that your dd is doing the right thing regarding this awful man.

You sound so supportive and strong. Your DDR is really lucky to have you!