Am I fighting for my marriage or begging?

[cwtchy]

I've been with my DH 14 years, and married for 5 of them. We have a 2 yo and a 4 yo. Things haven't been great for a while as often happens with 2 babies, but DH also works shifts and I work on his days off, which means we have had almost zero time to ourselves since the DCs were born.

DH has told me this week he doesn't love me anymore and it's the end of our marriage.

I'm bloody devastated. I love him as I've always done and was looking forward to our youngest starting nursery this sept so we could have more time together - I was so looking forward to that. He says however that it's gone on too long for him and the love just isn't there any more for him.

I don't want to just let him go, and have told him exactly how I feel, asked him to come to counselling with me, asked for the separation to be a trial one. But he is refusing and says he doesn't want to drag the pain out for me. Should I be trying everything to keep him, or do I deserve better and let him get on with it? I just feel like he hasn't even tried. We used to have such a fantastic relationship. I don't want to beg someone to stay with me who doesn't love me. But I also want to fight for what we had.

Liar. Can you make that link clickable as can't copy and paste on my phone?

Ooh Ta!

I've posted it a few times - always cheers me up :)

That was really interesting!

I am so sorry to hear what this bastard has done to you........

I understand how you must be feeling right now as my long term partner of 15 yrs left three weeks ago for OW...told me -half an hour later he left and went to OW house.....hes been there ever since........

The first week was hell, crying, yearning, not sleeping or eating.....i had a non existent social circle so i didn't even have any friends to reach out to.... except the ladies on MN......

I know its hard to hear now but please believe the other posters who say that it does get better over time.......for me the first week was a blur but since then every day that passes i feel stronger. I still have a cry and feel sad at times but this is slowly being taken over by a feeling of anger toward EXDP, acceptance and optimism for the future.

What has really helped me is no contact, i find that if i do speak to him or if he texts/ emails me....all the feelings of hurt and betrayal are raked up and im in tears that evening, questioning what i did wrong (nothing).

You will get through this you are stronger than you know.........XXXXXXXX

Yes it is interesting.

Also interesting how women on these thread who manage to move on very often find a man begging to come back a year later.

And interesting how exposing a partners affair publicly, catapults the adultereer from romantic bliss into their very own private hell, with OW always there and making demands, and enraged wife, no domestic support, no proper home, pissed off kids and parents, no comforting wife with whom to discuss the dull things in life over tea, no home in fact, and a major financial mess. And not alot of free time, shitty visits with the kids, and all your friends and colleagues gossiping. And in the case of this OP, when it is all over her h has to work with the woman.

Hello Starting I read your previous thread and I'm glad to hear you are (not sure of right words....) coping.

I hope cwtchy keeps in touch too, its amazing how much support MN can offer.

I'm so sorry for you, you must be in shock as it's all happened so quickly. I despair at how people assume that if they are unhappy an affair is the solution.

You will get through this, 1 minute at a time, 1 hour at a time..your life will get better

Thanks NANG, I'm certainly feeling stronger and more optimistic every day! :) Sti

MN has been invaluable for me ......just knowing that many other women have been through the same thing as i have , got through it and are now happier and stronger for the experience has made me know that i can too! :) :)

I am so very sorry, i can only imagine how you must be feeling right now and was just really wanting to express my anger on behalf of you and your children. How could he do that? how could anyone do that? Walking away from his children - its dispicable :(

I also wanted to say that I think you are incredible, you didn't stick your head in the sand you took the bull by the horns and faced up. I'm not sure i would have been strong enough.

I agree with those who say only think about you and your children now. Make plans for things, look forward not back - its a chance for a new start for you, in a way its a good thing that this has happened because now you wont waste your life on soeone who doesn't deserve you xxxx

So sorry this is how it's turned out. At least, he came out with it (albeit by text) once he realised you knew, instead of piling on lie after lie - lots of them do that, so credit where it's due.

You will be fine. It's awful at first, but with small steps you get there. Good you've got rl help, and especially good your mum's coming.

Keep your chin up; you've nothing to be ashamed of. You are strong even if you don't feel you are right now. You will be fine.

The OW in my exs exs case actually walked out on HIM right before their great big posh wedding last year. It tookher seven years but she got there in the end. I laughed for weeks at that one.

Cwtchy I am so sorry you are going through this and I could have written your post word for word in 2004, our experiences are so so similar. You will get through this and come out stronger the other side. Keep yourself as busy as you feel able to do and like another poster said, read a book or anything like that to stop yourself thinking too much. That really helped me.

Why do so many men do this to thier families? Utter idiots.

I'd be willing to bet the H wasn't unhappy and therefore didn't see the affair as a solution. I think he just saw an opportunity, engineered the unhappiness in the relationship by behaving like an arse and goading the OP to complain, convinced himself that the relationship was now unhappy enough to justify an affair and slept with the OW. Of course by now he'll be backdating the unhappiness by at least a year before he met the OW and yet if the OP looks back, she'll recall a husband who was then doing a very good impression of being a happy, contented husband....er, because he was.

I don't buy the "i wasn't happy" excuse for an affair either - it just makes me sooo bloody mad, fucking fucking men

Oh cwtchy, how awful xxx

sternface you are right on the money there with everything you said.

The 'I was unhappy' is a crock of shit, invented retrospectively to justify his bahaviour. Sickening and so fucking predictable. why can't any of these men see how textbook the pattern is?

Do they honestly think the strategy is in any way believable? It makes them look so much worse that they try to set up the wife as the cause of the problem and lie and then expect later that they can reveal the new 'relationship' and expect everyone to believe it wasn't an affair, that somehow their intolerable wife drove them away and they just coincidentally happened to 'meet' this irresistably perfect person at the same time! ARGH, it's so predictable it could be scripted.

Sternface, so true. Been there, put up with that.

Sternface me three .. exactly the same!

Maybe we should start an affair script thread??

Thank you all so, so much for your messages of support. I never thought my life would be the subject of a thread like this. I will read every post over and over to help me through the coming weeks, I'm sure.

I've spent this morning bagging the majority of his things and they are now outside, behind the back gate so the kids dont see. I've told him where they are and not to knock the door when he collects them. I know full well he has nowhere to put it all, but that really isn't my concern, is it? I'm not going to be nasty, but I'll need a clean break and will do what I need to get it, otherwise ill think I'll go mad.

I'm really surprised how far I've come in 24 hours. I've gone from thinking I can save our marriage, to finding out all of this going on! I honestly thought there was nobody else involved until I started this thread yesterday. Thank you so much, oh mighty Mumsnetters, for saving me lots and lots of heartache. I reckon his plan was to keep it quiet until we had separated, then announce a new relationship, coming out smelling of roses.

I think that Find iPhone app is the most useful bit of technology I've ever used

Startingagain, whereabouts are you roughly? Don't like to think of you having no support in RL!

Cwtchy You are AMAZING!!!

:o

You go girl!!

I second that Liarswife!

When does your mum arrive cwtchy? you know its ok to have a bloody good bawl don't you?

Cwtchy, have been lurking on your thread. I'm so sorry that this has happened- but I bet your H had no idea that you would respond so decisively and courageously. He probably imagined there would be a few weeks grace for him to come and go as he pleased, getting his plans in place. He will probably feel thrown by the speed at which you've rumbled him. Good on you for dumping his stuff to be collected, it's not your problem where he puts it. OW will doubtless be delighted to suddenly acquire 14 years worth of accumulated mancrap.

He'll also have to think about where he has visits with the children- don't be tempted to facilitate this at your house.

You are doing brilliantly, glad to see that you're getting support from your mum. Hopefully her presence will dissuade your H from slithering around making a PITA of himself.

Goaway, my mums been here this morning, along with my sister. They've taken my 2 year old off to Tescos to go through the car wash, for something to do! I'm picking my 4 yr old up from school, then have arranged for her to go to her dance class with a friend tonight. Once they are in bed my sister is babysitting and I'm going up my friends to do some good ol' bawling.

I don't feel amazing! Not at all. I can't even think about tomorrow yet! Typing all this out is helping me, though. If he ever comes grovelling back I'll have to reread to remember exactly how I felt.

Thanks Inertia. Have just laughed at "mancrap". He'll probably have to take it to his dads, who will be even less than impressed.

I'm quite taken aback by how decisive I've been, in fact. Hope I can keep it up.