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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I fighting for my marriage or begging?

631 replies

cwtchy · 28/03/2012 15:28

I've been with my DH 14 years, and married for 5 of them. We have a 2 yo and a 4 yo. Things haven't been great for a while as often happens with 2 babies, but DH also works shifts and I work on his days off, which means we have had almost zero time to ourselves since the DCs were born.

DH has told me this week he doesn't love me anymore and it's the end of our marriage.

I'm bloody devastated. I love him as I've always done and was looking forward to our youngest starting nursery this sept so we could have more time together - I was so looking forward to that. He says however that it's gone on too long for him and the love just isn't there any more for him.

I don't want to just let him go, and have told him exactly how I feel, asked him to come to counselling with me, asked for the separation to be a trial one. But he is refusing and says he doesn't want to drag the pain out for me. Should I be trying everything to keep him, or do I deserve better and let him get on with it? I just feel like he hasn't even tried. We used to have such a fantastic relationship. I don't want to beg someone to stay with me who doesn't love me. But I also want to fight for what we had.

OP posts:
badtasteflump · 29/03/2012 14:09

Course you can keep it up - you're superwoman Smile

Inertia · 29/03/2012 14:14

You're several steps ahead of him Cwtchy- you've taken control, he has no place in your home anymore, and you have the support of family and friends.

When you feel like you're struggling to keep it up, don't let him know! Talk to family , friends, MN. Would his family be supportive in terms of things like facilitating access to the children so that you don't have to see or speak to him?

Xales · 29/03/2012 14:14

So angry on your behalf cwtchy. 14 years, 2 little ones and all he thinks you deserve is lies and a frigging text to end the relationship. Selfish selfish wanker.

Remember this man is not your friend. He is going to be looking out for number one. No matter what he promises it, once any guilt has faded he can easily change his mind and give you the bare minimum. Don't make any agreements until you know where you stand.

Be prepared to crash at some stage you are probably running on adrenaline and anger right now.

If you want to be a complete bitch (and if you know full well he wont!!) find out what 50% of the days he wants the children to comes to hers his new place starting asap so that he can do his fair share. See how their little love nest likes that. I am a bitch sorry!

Use your anger to get the ball rolling financially and please do consider an STI test.

Try and make sure you eat, look after yourself and your little ones. /hugs

ifeelloved · 29/03/2012 14:17

You've done amazing well already. Don't worry about having wobbles, surely that's completely natural.

I can only agree with what everyone else has said about making sure you get your finances sorted so he can't screw you there as well.

Glad you're telling friends and family too, no reason why you should hide what he's done and give him more time to come up with excuses. Good for you.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 29/03/2012 14:17

Hi cwtchy

Think you are doing great in this hurricane of emotions. Do be kind to yourself and keep reading here as and when you want to.

Re school, may I suggest that you talk with your 4 year old's teacher as soon as possible after the Easter break as they then can keep on eye on how she is doing in class.

toomuchmonthatendofthemoney · 29/03/2012 14:42

Catchy, I think ou are doing brilliantly, have a good bawl tonight and then text him to tell him where to pick up the kids for Saturday, no lovely long sunday lie in for the pair of those fuckers cheaters this weekend see how OW likes it with a 2 and 4 year old jumping on the bed.

Keep going, we will be here for you thru the wobbles x

Cherriesarelovely · 29/03/2012 14:59

Cwtchy so sorry to hear your awful news but think you are brilliant. I really, really wish I had had your presence of mind when my ex was cheating. It had been going on for ages and I had never even suspected....such an idiot! I think you have been very strong and I think your H will be very regrettful and will realise his HUGE mistake pretty soon. In the meantime I am so glad that you have found such wonderful support here and hope that you continue to post any time of the day or night. Huge hugs to you. You are amazing.

Cherriesarelovely · 29/03/2012 15:00

I'm not suggesting you ought to take him back when he comes to you crying for forgiveness!

angelpuss · 29/03/2012 15:12

Another lurker here cwtchy and am so sorry that this has happened to you Sad

You sound like an amazingly strong woman who has lots of support both in RL and on MN to get you through the next few days, weeks and months ahead, as hard as they may be.

Look after yourself and your little ones

F3rgie · 29/03/2012 15:42

Bring out the big guns call him a C U Next Tuesday when you next talk to him that word always makes me feel better.

I'm so sorry he has done this to you and your DC, one days when all the hurt has faded you will realise everything happens for a reason

Love to you xxx

KatieScarlett2833 · 29/03/2012 16:03

cwtchy

Just caught up, I'm so sorry he turned out to be such a predictable wanker.

You, on the other hand sound amazing. Your DC are lucky to have such a strong role model in you. I wish my poor mum had been half as strong as you are being now...

...and karma will come along and bite him and her on the arse very soon.

All the very best to you and yours xxx

oikopolis · 29/03/2012 16:16

cwtchy
you dear dear woman, how brave and clever you are.

you know what, he's done you a favour by being such an appalling coward. at least now, you have no illusions, no nonsense stuffed into your head by him. you KNOW he's a dickhead -- not only has he implied it with his behaviour, he's now proven it to you without a shadow of a doubt.

now you're free to cry, scream, rage, and MOVE ON.

agree with Katie, your children are extremely lucky to have you.

foxymoron · 29/03/2012 17:36

So sorry to hear this. But at least you have kept your dignity whereas he has shown himself for what he really is. What a foolish man, to ditch your own family for the office tart. This should hopefully be a new start for you and I hope that you find happiness and someday a real man that treats you with the love and respect that you clearly deserve xx

fiventhree · 29/03/2012 18:00

Cwtchy

You are managing fantastically.

My money is on him crawling back and begging forgiveness/claiming a mid life crisis before the year is out.

There, I have recorded it.

Bets anyone?

Weak men like this will try that line when they finally wake up. And more particularly so when with a woman like you, who has a no bullshit approach and rumbles him this fast, and stays so calm.

So I think he will. And that he will get a nasty shock, on top of the ones he is in for over the next few weeks anyway.

AnyFucker · 29/03/2012 18:15

just catching up on your thread

I am sorry it has come to this, but best you know now

not knowing and begging someone who has already lined up your replacement has to be one of life's worst experiences

you done good, and you will be fine, no matter what happens

I actually feel sorry for this man. He has absolutely no idea how shit his life is going to be now. Of course though, he made his bed....he lies in it.

Jux · 29/03/2012 18:20

Cwtchy, you are amazing, and incredibly strong! Believe it; tell yourself every time you wobble.

Don't let him back inside for the time being. You do need to be firm about your new boundaries, or he'll be creeping back in, one toe at a time. No matter how tempted you might be, just say no.

Goawaybob · 29/03/2012 18:44

Xales "If you want to be a complete bitch (and if you know full well he wont!!) find out what 50% of the days he wants the children to comes to hers his new place starting asap so that he can do his fair share. See how their little love nest likes that. I am a bitch sorry!"

Please don't use the children as a weapon against your DH, no matter what a bastard he is, the children will want to see their father, to use them to drive a wedge between him and his slut is not fair - on the children. Also, the OP probalby doesn't want the cow anywhere near her children.

Goawaybob · 29/03/2012 18:52

Cwtchy - you are an incredibly resourceful and strong woman, your DH HAS made the biggest mistake of his life, he has left the person who has held it all together for him since the children were born. What an idiot. When dolly dimple gets a taste of the fallout she'll probably run a mile too - all lovely when shes the mistress, sexy rendevous and gifts, now she will have man gutted because he has left his children, knowing he has made a huge mistake by leaving you. He'll be miserable and far from romantic now, thats for sure. Karma will kick in sooner than he thinks - good

AnyFucker · 29/03/2012 18:53

bob, OP won't be ready for this yet, by a long way

but I can speak for myself here

if DH and I ever split, I would push for him to do his fair share of child care, so I could get on with my life and get some time for myself

it isn't "using the kids as a pawn" it's making sure that he remains their parent, as inconvenient as that will be (for him)

at the moment, he is indulging his ridiculous fantasy with Miss-Shag-a-Lot-who Strokes-my-Massive-Ego

that isn't real life, and the sooner he realises that OP isn't going to keep the home fires burning for him in the way she has always done, the better

he gets to be McDonald's Daddy, she gets to move on with her life

win for her.... reality for him

Goawaybob · 29/03/2012 19:02

massive lose for the children :(

I totally agree that he has to do his share of the childcare and if anything it should be engineered to allow cwtchy a sociallife, absolutely agree - but this is not to be to hurt him, but just to be what is fair on the children and of course the OP. His needs don't come into it, but the children's most definately does. He is an utter twat and deserves nothing.

Goawaybob · 29/03/2012 19:03

sorry that sentence was pretty incoherant - rushing to post, and not getting my point across

AnyFucker · 29/03/2012 19:45

no, it makes sense, bob

Dozer · 29/03/2012 21:26

Here's to you cwtchy Wine Brew

foolonthehill · 29/03/2012 21:42

and a Brew from me too. You are amazing, and even when you feel rubbish, you are still amazing and you will build a new life for you and DCs...all the better for being able to hold your head up high in the face of his ridiculous ego trip....now you know who he is.

I am sorry for you, for your DCs and for the hard road ahead, but your life will be good and you will be happy. Hold on to that when things are tough.

HangingOutSoggyPants · 29/03/2012 21:54

Hi Cwtchy, Iv been lurking, but wanted to say how sorry i am this has happened to you, no one deserves what this man has done to you. Please comfort yoursely knowing this is completely his fualt and not yours! Be kind to yourself. xx