I'm so so sorry - I'm crying for you now cwtchy - no-one should have to suffer this, ever, let alone with two little ones too.
You have done the right thing with telling family and all I can say is lean on them, let them love you and do what they can for you. You will be bombarded by so many emotions and thoughts all on top of little sleep as you try and keep the wheels of real life turnings so in a week's time, don't let your head take over and do that whole "I don't want to be a burden to my family" thing. Don?t try and stand on your own two feet in the coming weeks; let your family and friends take the strain.
Do tell work what?s going on. I?m not really sure what being a professional searcher involves but if you have an office to go to then let your boss and your colleagues know. I cannot tell you how much support I have had from work and, sadly, you will find so many women have been where you are now and can help you with first-hand experience.
As for H I think it?s appalling that he?s confessed by text but at least there?s no doubt or false hope in your mind and he?s not coming out with lies and excuses.
You need to start detaching from H - think ?detach, detach, detach?. Personally, I found the strict no contact route to be the only way. This is not so easy with kids but you can always work something out with family so that you don?t have to see him. That may make it easier in the short-term and stop you getting that whole feeling of lurching back to wanting to be him every time you see him.
Lean on your Mum, your family, his family. Share the grief because for now you will all be grieving and shocked at finding out that there is a whole side to this man / husband / son that none of you knew.
Other wise words that I followed were: ?to treat myself as I would my best friend?. I think that?s a lovely way of putting it and you need to do that too. Look after yourself and try and do one nice thing a day just for you - even if that?s eating cake or having a bubble-bath while your Mum takes care of the kids.
Oh and write. Take plenty of paper and a pen and write whatever comes out of the pen. You will be amazed at what comes out of that pen - let you thoughts and emotions flow on to that paper. Don?t be scared if you write stuff that society says we shouldn?t. Just put it all down on that paper and then in a few days, read it back. And when you can?t sleep or feel over-whelmed do it all over again. I found the writing to be great therapy and over the weeks the writing became less hate-fuelled and more focussed on positive stuff and by reading back I could see that I was progressing along a patch of recover even if I didn?t feel it.
If you want to try and understand what happened to the dynamic between you and H at a deeper level I can recommend reading Andrew Marshall?s ?How Can I Ever Trust You Again?? and his other book ?I Love You but I?m not In Love With You?. I had these books by the bed and would dip into them whenever I needed to.
You do need time to think and recover from the shock but when you get through the next few days, which will be adrenalin-fuelled, you may find you want to try and salvage your marriage. You just never know, and with reality hitting your H he may find that too. All I can say is try to react with your head if that?s at all possible, and not your emotions, so you keep doors ajar, if not open. You can always slam a door shut when your head tells you to and it will be slammed shut with dignity and knowing exactly what you want but doors closed through words spat with hatred and emotion don?t always prise open so easily later on - easy to say I know.
You?re being bombarded by advice right now so even if you take just one or two things that resonate for you, that?s good. Think of the words from all of us here as a pick and mix from which you can choose the things to do that seem right for you.
Little steps are all you take right now, sometimes they?ll be backwards, sometimes you?ll walk in circles but trust me you will move forward each week and you?ll come out of this and life really will be better. Even if you can?t see that right now, just take it on blind faith. It really does get easier and better.
B&A x