Your words are so raw and poignant. Without a doubt it is the unilateral decision of your H to walk out that is so hard to bear. The worst thing is that he didn't give the two of you a chance and he didn't give his family unit a chance. He didn?t say ?Hey, Cwtchy, I?m feeling a bit unloved over here, let Grandma babysit for the night and we?ll head out so we can catch up and I can tell you how I feel and we can see if we can fix this?. No, he just checked out on his volition, not a hint, not a squeak, nothing.
So this is what you?ve lost Cwtchy, in the cold light of day: a man who is emotionally immature. He could not handle his feelings of frustration and anger, so he expressed those feelings in an intimidating and bullying way. A man who was a coward through and through. Rather than talk to you and tell you how he felt, he reached a conclusion, all alone - the same one that my H and so many others have taken:
wife is busy, wife is harried, wife has no time to bestow me nightly with great blow jobs and hot sex, therefore wife does not love me, therefore I shall find sex elsewhere.
I?ve distilled it down to something a bit trite but I honestly believe that?s how most of these affairs start and many men really do associate sex with love. Our side of the story is slightly different:
I?ve got so much to do, the kids to sort out, the job to hold down, the house to clean and the meals to cook. Next year XXX will be off my plate so I?ll have a bit more time for H and I really miss being close to H but he understands and we?re in this together. Once we?re over this bump life together is going to be just amazing.
We do invest so much in our men, we really do. Our partners do become our best friends, our soul mates (and for many our men are our sole mates as we women can focus everything on our man and neglect other friendships). I remember spending hours in the kitchen cooking something utterly amazing and when H ate I thought he could taste the love and trust in every mouthful. I would have been better off buying an M&S special, bunging it in the microwave and dragging him upstairs ... to do what? ... to massage his ego, to make sure he FELT loved.
You don?t want a husband who needs that, you really don?t. He may have been your rock but he was made of nothing more than rock salt and he just dissolved as the first wave of temptation washed over him.
Ups and downs in relationships are inevitable but we need a man who can deal with those ups and down WITH us and alongside us and it?s shit that we both chose and invested in men who couldn?t manage something that seems so simple.
This is going to be brutal to read Cwtchy but figure out whether you?re grieving for what you thought you had, but now realise you didn?t have, rather than grieving for the fictional doting H you hoped you had.
My H had left the building a long time before he left the marriage. He had spent a lot of energy reinventing our marriage and reinventing me - I had become someone who didn?t do this, didn?t do that, didn?t like this, didn?t like that. I suspect your H has followed a similar pattern.
You have to grieve, and it is grieving. What you are feeling is akin to a death but it is in some ways worse because you have to deal with the fact that in your mind he has rejected you. Again, that is brutal to read. I used to think it would have been better had H died, then the family would have been united in grief for a good man, a good husband and a good father. Now we are united in grief because he?s turned into an utter utter twunt and the worst thing is we are all saying that he was always like that, deep down.
So when you are sad, my love, make sure you?ve thought about what it is you are really grieving over. Yes, you?ve lost your husband. Yes, you?ve lost YOUR best friend, but his actions have shown that you weren?t his best friend and probably hadn?t been for a long time.
You definitely have NOT lost the fabric of your whole life. No way. Your life is multi-faceted - you still have your DCs, you still have your family, you still have your intelligence, which shines out from your posts, you have your job, you have your friends and one of the best bits about being without H is that those friends will come closer and you will be open to making more friends. You?ve lost a part of your life, a part that was probably dying on the vine if you peer closely at it with that flashlight, but not the fabric of it.
As for losing your home, well, yes, at this point in time, based on the advice you received thus far, you?re going to lose a house; bricks and mortar that shelter you from the elements. I can tell you from first-hand experience though that a home is where you and your DCs are. Where all of those daft little ornaments that they make for you get to take pride of place. Where all of those family photos are.
In terms of bricks and mortar I?ve lost more than my fair share in the ten months and I now live in a tiny tiny apartment but in a beautiful location. The DSDs come and stay from uni and they say that when they come to me it feels like coming home. It brings back all the memories because I cook their favourite food and they can smell it when they walk up to the apartment and they get all excited outside in the entrance hall. Since I left in July the DSDs have not stayed with their father, even for one night, at what was our lovely family home. Why? It doesn?t feel like home anymore for them. The DSDs prefer to sleep on my bed settee in the lounge rather than spend a night in their own bedrooms in a house with their father. For me that speaks volumes. It?s a cliche but it?s true, home is where the heart is and, that?s usually where Mum is, no matter what shape and size the bricks and mortar come in.
I?m so sorry for the long and rambly post Cwtchy (my speciality!). I hope you see what I?m trying to say and if I?ve made you cry with some brutal realisations then I am truly sorry to add to your sorrow but sometimes you need to have the glass shattered to shock you into taking stock of what you really had and what you really have.
It?s early days, it really is, and it hurts like hell, I know. Do take good care of yourself and don?t be brave, lean on others. I get the feeling you?re trying to shoulder so much of this burden alone. Don?t. This is your time and, believe me, people really do want to help, so let them and you?ll find that the closest of bonds form in the most unexpected places.
And I'm loving Toothbrush's advice - except maybe the music - Bon Jovi and Stevie Ray Vaughan got me through some really shit times! Bag ladies rock!
I hope you sleep tonight
B&A xx