Am I fighting for my marriage or begging?

[cwtchy]

I've been with my DH 14 years, and married for 5 of them. We have a 2 yo and a 4 yo. Things haven't been great for a while as often happens with 2 babies, but DH also works shifts and I work on his days off, which means we have had almost zero time to ourselves since the DCs were born.

DH has told me this week he doesn't love me anymore and it's the end of our marriage.

I'm bloody devastated. I love him as I've always done and was looking forward to our youngest starting nursery this sept so we could have more time together - I was so looking forward to that. He says however that it's gone on too long for him and the love just isn't there any more for him.

I don't want to just let him go, and have told him exactly how I feel, asked him to come to counselling with me, asked for the separation to be a trial one. But he is refusing and says he doesn't want to drag the pain out for me. Should I be trying everything to keep him, or do I deserve better and let him get on with it? I just feel like he hasn't even tried. We used to have such a fantastic relationship. I don't want to beg someone to stay with me who doesn't love me. But I also want to fight for what we had.

Sorry cwtchy, posted in error on your thread. Just ignore me!

Wishing you strength.

Good evening Ms Feisty! I hope your day was as productive as you expected it to be. I've got the girls at work asking after you now!

I read your post and the other ones too this morning (what fabulous words of advice you're getting) and I was so impressed with how decisive you've been today. I hope DD had a good day at school and was a bit more settled.

Did you discover anything helpful as a result of your calls today and more importantly, how are you feeling?

Take care and continue to be totally brilliant.

x

Just another message of support cwtchy, hang on in there, I do admire how strong you are being. I wish I had had the MNs to turn to when my exh did the dirty on me 12 years ago, i wouldn't have spent so much time trying to get him to stay and not break up our family. My 2 dcs were similar ages to your dcs when he went off and they have come through relatively unscathed at least they can't remember their father being at home and I am sure with your love and support yours will be fine too.
Look after yourself and take it a day at a time. It will get better. Follow your instincts too (and get a good solicitor)

Ugh. Have just spoken to H at length, because I wanted to know exactly what has happened to us. As expected though, I didn't really get any answers. He was sure that he wasn't coming back though, and so at least I know for sure now it is All Over.

I think I might have a few more days of feeling awful now, because I had half hoped I had shocked him and he would have realised he'd made a terrible mistake. I think I was beginning to convince myself we could work it out, and so I knew I needed to speak to him. My gut was telling me it was over anyway though, if I'm honest with myself.

I'm glad I've spoken to him tonight, so now I can go to the solicitor's tomorrow with a slightly more focused mind.

I haven't mentioned this on the thread before, but I've been trying this week to think of all the bad aspects to our marriage. One of the worst was his horrible temper, where he would lose it over something ridiculously minor. About 3 months ago he went in a mood with me about something (I can't remember what), and went into our bedroom and slammed the door. He slammed it so hard that the clock fell off the wall in Dc's room next door and hit him on the head . He had a big bruise and was very upset. All he could say was "daddy did it".

It's funny how you can ignore these things in your life, but seeing that written down it seems so much worse. I just admitted to him on the phone that it will be great to not live with somebody with a temper like that. I had put up with it as I loved him, but even after doing that for him, he couldn't be bothered to work at our marriage and went off with someone else when it got difficult.

Like someone said up thread, moments like this are like shining a flashlight onto your life, allowing you to see it for all its flaws.

I ended the conversation with H by telling him I slept with someone else 3 years into our relationship, I had never told anyone before tonight and thought I would carry that secret to the grave! I probably should have kept it a bit longer, but I couldnt help myself! ( in my defence, I was 20 at the time and very drunk. I regretted it big time and had been happily faithful ever since).

Quite a big night in the Cwtchy household.

His temper sounds awful, life will be calmer and nicer without all that.

So it all came out! Oh well.

Better things are out there for you cwtchy.

I'm smiling at your revelation.

At least you do know now -I think that is probably the best thing he could have done for you. Good luck tomorrow

Oh cwtchy, you are so fab.
I've been there, done that, but often wonder if I'd had MN backing me up I would have coped better.
And the answer is a huge Yes.
Listen to the experts and you'll get through this shit.
Stay strong.

I can only imagine how you must be feeling with having hoped that you might have shocked him into a reconciliation and finding out today that it wasn?t going to happen.

The idea of being on your own is so daunting and it IS scary but you can hear the chorus of voices here telling you that it will be fine. It?s better than fine, it?s damn good fun a lot of the time and from what you?ve written tonight I think you will be building a better life for you and your DCs without an aggressive man around.

I bet you have modified your behaviour over the years, modified your habits to avoid upsetting him, even subconsciously, and now you can just spread your wings and be yourself.

It?s clear from your writing that you?re well educated and intelligent - I suspect that you?re a lot brighter than your H - so this really is an opportunity, it really is. Hold on tightly to that fact.

Best of all, your DCs will grow up in an environment that doesn?t have the overhang of moods and tempers. Personally I think that?s a good thing, I really do.

Good luck with your meetings tomorrow and while you're out buy yourself a mahoosive Easter Egg, just for you!

x

I agree, sweetheart, it will be so much better for you all to live without the background fear of his temper.

Well done for dumping your secret! One less thing to take up valuable head space. Massive high-five, too, on knowing what your gut was telling you, even through the clamour of what-ifs and dying hopes. You're quite something, you know?

He probably never was bright enough, honest enough or sorted enough for you. Keep that flashlight on for a while :) Good luck with the solicitors, and do keep your friends around you.

Good luck with meetings today - hopefully you'll be relieved when you find out you'll be ok practically. It's hard work on your own but in alot of ways it's easier. Weekends to yourself when he has the kids, pleasing yourself in the evenings (if you want to watch supersize vs superskinny while eating a tub of Ben & Jerrys so what?!) & just so much less hassle on a daily basis from a moody man!

Thanks all for your kind messages. I had a bit of a crying fit in the school yard this morning, much to my disgust, but am ok now. My school gate buddies have decided to arrange a night out for us. I'm feeling so lucky to have the support I'm getting, it really makes such a massive difference to how I feel.

My half hour with the solicitor went really well, I gelled with her pretty quickly and we somehow covered everything I wanted to know! Realistically, my only option is to sell the house. I'm ok with that, as it's our house rather than mine, and so think moving will help me move on. I was also happy to hear I will get the bigger share of the equity. Im not optimistic it will sell quickly, or for the amount we want, though. I've got a list of other things to get sorted now too.

She gave me the name of a mediator, and so if H agrees I will look into getting that sorted out. So busy busy again, which is good and how I like it!

I have sorted out our bank account too, with a lovely lady at the bank who started crying when I told her what was going on and told me the same happened to her when she was younger. I wasn't expecting a nice chat and a hug at the bank!

Midwife99, I certainly am looking forward to, er, pleasing myself of an evening

You're doing bloody brilliantly!!

I wish I had been as capable as you - expect crying, you wouldn't be human if it didn't happen now and again.

Happy Easter to the cwtchy DCs and as happy as it can be for you too. You are being brilliant.

Did she say why you would get more of the equity?

Well done cwtchy. I hope you don't mind but I've mentioned this thread on another one where poor fizzyizzy has just found proof of her husbands infidelity tonight - as a source of great advice for her in the first few awful days.

Take care of yourself and yes, I think you deserve some yummy choc or whatever is your vice, over this weekend!

Thanks Toomuch, I've just read Fizzy's thread. It's just awful how often this seems to happen, I've spoken to 3 people in RL this week who have told me it happened to them when their DCs were babies. I'm not liking men much right now.

PooPoo, I was busy scribbling so didn't catch all she was saying about the equity, but think it was a combination of me having the children with me, and H having some inheritance coming his way which is roughly the same as the equity in the house.

Hi Cwtchy - there's nothing wrong with a good cry - even at the school gates. The extraordinary thing that will come out of this is how kind and wonderful people are when they realise you are in pain. They really do want to help you, they really do.

One thing that still takes my breath away is the total and unconditional support I've had from everyone around me. You know when you see those pop stars crowd surf and they're being held up and borne along by the crowd? Well, that's how I've sometimes felt, all these people holding me up and keeping me moving forward, all out of kindness and total humanity.

Oh, I had the same thing as you happen in the bank the day after I found out about OW. The woman there who dealt with me had had the same thing happen to her - about 9 years ago if I recall correctly. Her words to me were that if she could go back, she would have left him. She stayed for the sake of her young son and regrets it to this day ...

I totally get you on the house so if you feel that selling and setting up on your own is the right thing for you then that's a blessing. It sounds like you need to get the house on the market sooner rather than later so get the estate agents round asap. You don't have to put the house on the market there and then but at least you'll find out if you need to glam up the garden or throw a bit of paint on the walls in the interim. Do you know why the other houses haven't sold? Understanding that may help you to gain an advantage in selling yours and it will give you something practical to focus on - because hell, you don't have enough on your plate right now, do you?!

I'm glad you got so much out of your meeting with the sol - any more meetings lined up with others or are you sticking with this one?

Right I'm off to bed. It's been a hell of a week and I'm pooped.

Good night and keep going - you're inspiring many and that of itself will help you. x

Just seen your post on fizzys thread, it's amazing and fab you can feel up to offering some support elsewhere. Maybe you have a future career as a counsellor or life coach perhaps?
Glad you are not offended by the cross referencing threads, I just felt you had shown such a good example and there was some really solid advice here that might help her.
Yes it's scary how many threads come along on MN about feckless cheaters, the men all seem to follow similar patterns, and the devastation is immense.
Hope you are able to,get some rest tonight, take care, chin up.

Cwtchy, I am in awe of you, and your immense strength. I mean, totally and completely in awe. After my marriage broke up (due to infidelity which was at first denied), I remember the first time I went to bed and thought "I haven't cried today." It was weeks after the break-up.

You're amazing.

Hey Cwtchy, just swinging by before I get caught up in the Easter maelstrom of shopping and cooking for the family.

The fact that you've not posted means that you're either bawling your eyes out under the duvet or you're getting on with things in that matter of fact, just get on with it mode that we all find ourselves in after such a shock.

I can't say one is better than the other as I think both "modes" are part of the recovery process but at least if you've got your practical Easter bonnet on then you'll feel a bit better about being able to achieve stuff when all you want to do is focus on you and your feelings and, possibly, torture H and OW in ways that not even an Arnie movie could have dreamed up.

Enjoy your night out tomorrow and wear loads of mascara - it focusses the mind on keeping the tears at bay!

B&A x

Thanks B&A for checking up on me. I'm just so so sad and don't really know what else to post now. I've lost my husband, my best friend, the fabric of my whole life and I'm losing the house as well. I know I will get through, but I can't accept at the moment he could possibly have done this to me.

Sorry for the depressing post but I'm feeling so alone.

Your'e never alone on Mn, cwtchy.
What does your name mean?
Is it Welsh?

Cwtchy, of course you are grieving, it must still be a shock, especially as you couldnt have seen it coming.

But does this help at all? -it is a life change like many others we face. I know it feels awful. But it will take three months to start to move on properly and start to rebuild a new better life. And it will be better.

At the moment you also have an empty place in your life which h gradually filled. Now that place is vacant, you will start to see more of friends, add new ones, new activities etc etc. There really will be gains as well as losses.

I think also people get to the point, with some distance and perspective, of seeing the bad things they have lost, as well as the good, and that feels positive.

Hope you have some plans for the weekend. Take care.

Bank Holidays just are the worst time after a break up. No advice just sympathy. He's a knob to do this to you