Am I fighting for my marriage or begging?

[cwtchy]

I've been with my DH 14 years, and married for 5 of them. We have a 2 yo and a 4 yo. Things haven't been great for a while as often happens with 2 babies, but DH also works shifts and I work on his days off, which means we have had almost zero time to ourselves since the DCs were born.

DH has told me this week he doesn't love me anymore and it's the end of our marriage.

I'm bloody devastated. I love him as I've always done and was looking forward to our youngest starting nursery this sept so we could have more time together - I was so looking forward to that. He says however that it's gone on too long for him and the love just isn't there any more for him.

I don't want to just let him go, and have told him exactly how I feel, asked him to come to counselling with me, asked for the separation to be a trial one. But he is refusing and says he doesn't want to drag the pain out for me. Should I be trying everything to keep him, or do I deserve better and let him get on with it? I just feel like he hasn't even tried. We used to have such a fantastic relationship. I don't want to beg someone to stay with me who doesn't love me. But I also want to fight for what we had.

Yes I agree detachment is the key. When my abusive ex served divorce papers when our baby was 6 weeks old (as a cruel mind game) I was devastated but to his surprise didn't contest the divorce. A few months later I started a bit of Internet dating (in hindsight much too soon not advising it!) but although I wasn't ready for a relationship the compliments I received gave me strength & confidence. I detached big time & guess what - he was on his knees begging for forgiveness & to take him back. I could see what a pathetic little twonk he was & refused. You will become powerful & independent & move on to great happiness once this awful phase is over. He is just feeling sorry for himself. Poor baby!

Yup, looking like shit is part of the script

Do not fall for it.

Hope you slept well and that you're feeling better this morning.

This is a dangerous time OP - as other's who've been there (including me) are saying, looking shit is part of the well worn drama. That's not to say he doesn't feel like shit he probably does, but don't make the mistake of interpreting this as anything other than the shock of discovery and your very quick actions to protect yourself.

Don't try and get into his mind - it's like spaghetti at the moment and you won't get honesty you'll get a whole load of mixed messages which will make you feel like a crazy woman. The time for any such talk as you feel you need with him will be sometime down the road when he's had enough time to figure out for himself why he gave himself the permission to rubbish you and your marriage in this way.

I think bugger his state of mind and nurture your own because if you do that you may come to the conclusion that he's not who you want any more any way. If he is and he wants to come back then you must have a clear head and know what he needs to do to address his vulnerability to an affair.

Thing is, people change over time and not all relationships last forever no matter what vows are taken. Unfortunately when an affair attacks a marriage it's most often the betrayed partner who is left wondering what went wrong and worse what they themselves did wrong. Again, I would quote what a very wise poster told me: this didn't happen because you weren't giving enough to him, it happened because you weren't getting enough from him. This single insight has stayed with me and stopped me from falling for the drama that my ex brings to every encounter with our DC's. I hope it helps you in the same way.

You are doing so well, so soon OP.

I can say nothing to help but have read this thread and I wanted to say cwtchy firstly sending you a big hug. If I could do anything to help at all I would. And secondly I think you are handling this amazingly. And for all those able to and offering more able advice and support, wow - just finding the power of mumsnet amazing - wow.

Wisedupwoman, fantastic quote!

Morning! I hope you got some rest last night. I for one am glad he looked like shit. I hope he feels like shit too. I am certain he is not enjoying hearing what his mother has to say to him

Morning, the sun is shining and despite the heartbreak I was feeling so strongly last night, I'm still here and I'm ok. I can see that this pain isn't going to end me. And I have had a bowl of cereal! I'm ashamed to say I only managed half a digestive biscuit yesterday

Amazing advice from wisedupwoman and B&A, thanks. I'm not going to get any sense out of him if I talked to him, and it won't be of any benefit to me. And I agree completely that it was him not giving enough in our relationship, I did nothing wrong. I've got to keep that in mind because I deserve better than that, I know I do.

Morning! I wish I felt as bright as the day outside but I stayed up too late last night, like a naughty teenager! Still nothing that a good coffee won't fix.

Well I'm delighted to hear you've had a bowl of cereal - at this stage just managing to eat something can be such a challenge can't it? Do you work out Cwtchy? If so, maybe you could try a little workout because it really helps you through - when those endorphins kick in you do feel better about yourself and more able to cope.

Two things for you to do today Cwtchy, first enjoy the sunshine, even it's just a cuppa in the garden or getting down to the park with the little one. (It sounds like you're keeping your youngest with you today). Secondly think about something you've always fancied doing that you either didn't because H was working or he just didn't want to and write it down somewhere so you don?t forget it.

Your first response might be that there's nothing to write down because you have spent all your time focussing on what H and the DCs wanted as a Mum and wife but this is all about rediscovering you now. This can be the start of the new you, your new life, when you come out of the worst of this. It could be something really small like buying cushions (my H hated cushions, I now have 4 very bright cushions on my sofa :)) or a scented candle for the bathroom or it could be something significant that you need to save up for but if you identify it you can start saving now.

The most important thing is that this is now about you, your DCs and taking control of your destiny. You've seen that you're getting to the end of each day no matter how much your heart is breaking and that you're still standing so if you start having these little positive thoughts about YOU as you trudge through the shit bits you find you have something to look forward to and if you're happy the DCs will be happy.

Try and have more good bits today than bad bits and don't forget to google those family law firms. You'll get soooo fed up with me saying that until you do.

xx

Good for you cwtchy. I'm a bit of a lurker as I can't really give as good advice as others in here but just wanted to add my support. Enjoy the sunshine

WUW, I know who said that brilliant quote, and I totally agree with it

Oh my goodness, WUW that is exactly what I needed to hear today too...

Cwtchy I'm so glad you are still here and still able to eat/smile/post - I can honestly say that the pain doesn't go away, but it gets a bit more containable as time goes on. Saw the STBXH today for the weekly handover of DS and yes, it feels crap. But like you, I'm still here - the pain hasn't been the end of me either! Good for you for staying positive x

That quote is great WUW I so wish Id been on here years ago!

How was your day Cwtchy? Were you in manic superwoman mode, howling on the floor or a muddled mix of everything imaginable?

I hope you summoned the strength to get some sun and even just spend 5 minutes thinking about YOU.

Keep posting - it really does help you tremendously. You can sort your thoughts and feelings and sometimes you only realise stuff as you're typing or reading someone's post to you. Don't underestimate the healing power of posting. It allowed me to recover so much faster than I otherwise would have done.

x

Hiya, an interesting day for me I suppose. The adrenaline is wearing off and I feel a millimetre closer towards normal - had three meals today at last, and sat in the sunshine watching youngest DC water my plants. I've purged all sad songs from my playlists and have mostly been singing "shoot me down, but I won't fall, I am titaaaa-niii-ummm"

H sent a text asking for his Internet banking stuff ( yes, he really is so dull to have not even thought about this until now). I bundled all his paperwork into a bag and handed it all to him when he dropped off eldest DC after their cinema trip. I threw a few photos of us together in the bag for good measure.

When they arrived back, turns out he hadnt checked what was showing at the cinema and there was nothing suitable on, so they had to go to the park. Cue disappointed Dc. He promised he would ring to say goodnight, and then didn't. By this point I was pretty much boiling with rage.

I decided to ring him to really hammer home my message that he is really, really not doing well enough by the DCs. It actually went quite well, neither of us shouted, and he's agreed to have them Sunday afternoon through to bank holiday Monday so I can have a night out with my friends so I can get blind drunk I feel ok after talking to him. I'm not crying tonight!

So angry about him not saying goodnight to the kids as promised, spineless twat. I wouldnt waste anymore tears on him

Glad you have eaten xx

You are so inspiring. Someone will be reading this thread and drawing strength from you Cwtchy, they really will.

Three meals! Pretty impressive stuff and for what it's worth I think a night out next Sunday is just the ticket.

Good luck with tomorrow. Are you at work? I think a bit of weekday routine will be a good thing.

Goodnight Cwtchy and try and sleep. x

cwtxhy Thinking of you; no advice to offer as MNers are supporting you well.

Very best wishes to you and your family; wish that I'd had MN years ago! You'll be fine, eventually! Just so sad that you have to go through the dreadful grief and trauma.

I knew he hadn't planned at all for his grand exit to the marriage, he is fairly useless, tbh. I've kept his p60s and pension details just in case they come in handy.I know he seriously can't deal with all that stuff without me. That's why he is screwing up with cinema times etc, he relied on me for it all. I must have become invisible; not so invisible now though. Perhaps he will start to realise how hard it is being a good parent too.

No work for me this week, I'm taking a week's leave. Eldest DC has been very clingy today and concerned about me leaving as well. Also asked me if daddy was going to die. I'm going to keep her off school tomorrow and keep her close to me.

School???

All of the schools around here have closed for the Easter holidays; are you not in the UK?

Sorry, probably irrelevant!

You are brilliant. I'm sure you're in a hundred pieces as well, but you're still brilliant. Your div of a husband is about to realise what a diamond he threw away; the idiot. You are certainly worth better.

So glad you're taking care of your own self - eating's quite important (!) as are sleeping and good friends. Yes, the children will need constancy and reassurance now. They will get that from you, and it will be enough. Even better if he can get his act together and be reliable, too. Congrats on making your point without losing it: how did you feel?

Congrats, too, on arranging next weekend! I should think you really need to get shedded in a lovely place, with lovely friends. You deserve it.

Keep going, cwtchy, stay smart, and whinge as much as you like on here :)

Morning cwtchy

Glad that things went okay over the weekend...you really are an inspiration.

Keep strong xx

blowcushion some are still open until mid week. The one I used to teach at is open until Thursday.