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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I fighting for my marriage or begging?

631 replies

cwtchy · 28/03/2012 15:28

I've been with my DH 14 years, and married for 5 of them. We have a 2 yo and a 4 yo. Things haven't been great for a while as often happens with 2 babies, but DH also works shifts and I work on his days off, which means we have had almost zero time to ourselves since the DCs were born.

DH has told me this week he doesn't love me anymore and it's the end of our marriage.

I'm bloody devastated. I love him as I've always done and was looking forward to our youngest starting nursery this sept so we could have more time together - I was so looking forward to that. He says however that it's gone on too long for him and the love just isn't there any more for him.

I don't want to just let him go, and have told him exactly how I feel, asked him to come to counselling with me, asked for the separation to be a trial one. But he is refusing and says he doesn't want to drag the pain out for me. Should I be trying everything to keep him, or do I deserve better and let him get on with it? I just feel like he hasn't even tried. We used to have such a fantastic relationship. I don't want to beg someone to stay with me who doesn't love me. But I also want to fight for what we had.

OP posts:
Dozer · 30/03/2012 22:29

Good to see you B&A! You're in fine form. Are you going to update your thread, am sure you have lots of news and gossip.......

blowcushion · 30/03/2012 22:32

I was about to post but B&A beat me to it. I would have my XP back at the drop of a hat - miss him so much and our future together!

However, XP is not the man I loved and adored! He is a lying, devious twunt who led a double life. Lied to me and probably the OW. Like *BeforeAndAfter," I am missing the man that used to be!

Love your use of technology; am going to pass on some tips to a friend who has suspicions.

Best wishes, hope that you get a good night's sleep!

toomanyeasterbunnies · 30/03/2012 23:51

cwtchy Your thread has made my stomach lurch and brought back all the feelings I had exactly a year ago. 28th March 2011 I found out my H had been cheating. I had almost the same thread as you about my H suddenly saying he doesn't love me any more. I, like you didn't see it coming. He's not the type, doesn't have the time, wouldn't do that I kept saying. A day later I found out he was a cheat. Worst day of my life.

I don't have any wise words but just wanted to say keep listening to the ladies on here - they helped me immensely at the time. Also, stay strong. You sound like you're doing brilliantly. We are still together a year later but I won't lie - it's been tough and on days still is. This week has been especially hard going.

Good luck OP.

fallenpetal · 31/03/2012 00:00

TT its funny you should say single lovers, I have been looking for something uncomplicated because I really cannot trust men at the moment but hey its been a year and a half now! Yet I only seem to attract married men it seems!

The disturbing thing a "friend" of mine thought it would be fine to meet them as i want no strings Hmm

Sorry to hijack your thread C I hope you listen to the font of truth that in BandA

LiarsWife · 31/03/2012 08:17

How are you today Cwtchy

Hope you are managing to eat and get a bit of sleep x

ifeelloved · 31/03/2012 08:48

Before and after that just made me cry! Great advice btw

Thermalsocks · 31/03/2012 08:57

Just a thought cwtchy for when you have your 'chat' today.

Another little seed that should be planted in his rapidly growing garden of weeds is that one day there will be another man in your life, someone who will be spending more time with his dcs than he will.

I know it will be the last thing on your mind right now, but knowing a little bit about how men's minds work, and with you looking drop dead gorgeous (and with that Nutella glow!) and not available to him anymore, methinks a bit of jealousy works wonders at focussing the mind!

I will be thinking of you today.

PooPooInMyToes · 31/03/2012 09:10

Hi, how you doing?

BeforeAndAfter · 31/03/2012 09:55

Aw, thanks everyone Blush

Hey Cwtchy. Morning! Hope your day goes OK.

This will be the first time your H has had to properly face up to what he's done and he will be so scared. Equally it's going to be the first time you've had the chance to throw the turmoil of the last few days at him but try to resist - however tempting. The best way of dealing with him will be by deploying the phenomenal resolve you've shown thus far. Look amazing, be strong and it will totally throw him and leave him spinning.

Gird your loins girl and if you start to feel you're crumbling and you feel you can't choke the tears back anymore just think of how amazing you've been in 48 hours.

We're all standing there with you my lovely. Be strong. As strong as you can be.

Like everyone else, I'll be thinking of you today.

x

midwife99 · 31/03/2012 10:02

I have read the whole thread this morning & just wanted to send a message of support & sadness at what you're going through. You are coping amazingly well & are a wonderful mother. You will one day look back & be so thankful that you're not with him anymore as he will continue to behave badly in future relationships & you can look on & think - hooray I don't have to deal with it!!

Original poster
cwtchy · 31/03/2012 10:30

Morning all, no time to reply properly but just to say that my loins are well and truly girded, thanks B&A! So nervous I think I might be sick but I'm taking the approach of Beyonce and wheeling out a Sasha Fierce type alter ego from somewhere. Everything I need to discuss is down in my list and I'm not discussing anything else.

He hasn't even told me whe he is coming for the kids yet. At least 24 hours notice before access is also on my list. I'm not texting to ask as I am DETACHED.

OP posts:
MadAboutHotChoc · 31/03/2012 10:41

Good luck!!

fiventhree · 31/03/2012 11:12

Yes good luck from me too.

Remember he is the one on the back foot, not you.

Rhinosaurus · 31/03/2012 11:24

I would text

"can you come at xx time, as me and the dcs have plans for the afternoon/tea/evening"

You don't need to wait in all day for him, plus let him know your life and the dcs is carrying on without him

AnyFucker · 31/03/2012 11:26

Good luck, cwtchy

Stick to your script now, don't be sidetracked by his any longer

LadyBeagleEyes · 31/03/2012 11:58

On your previous question about taking them back after the betrayal.
I did, we stayed together for a few years, but the trust had gone and I couldn't forgive, no matter how hard I tried.
The decision to finally separate was mine really, and was the best thing I've ever done. And he'd had OW during that time
I had no contact at all with him after the separation apart from making sure he had regular contact with ds who adored him.
Anyway, he ended up with OW which lasted 3 years, he is now internet dating.
DS 16 sees him regularly, I'm so over him, and can have polite conversations with him on the phone, but we'll never be friends, because I discovered that after all the shit, I realised I really don't like him very much.

fallenpetal · 31/03/2012 12:04

sends a bit of strength

ToothbrushThief · 31/03/2012 13:05

Cwtchy you sound amazing. I so wish I'd been this determined and strong. You will not be a doormat. You write the list/script and he can 'fit in'

scarletforya · 31/03/2012 13:11

Hope it goes well cwtchy

Xales · 31/03/2012 13:14

Don't worry about being strong for us. We are here to hold you hand when you are not feeling so strong.

Don't feel you have to sit around all frigging day waiting for him to have his nice long, kid unencumbered lay in, lazy breakfast then sit around with OW for a few hours until he deems his children important enough to see or feels he should make an appearance.

You are not there for his convenience he gave up the rights to expect that!

Having said all that good luck and also sending you strength!

Wisedupwoman · 31/03/2012 13:31

Well I woudn't underestimate the shock he'll be in right now as you've showed yourself absolutely capable of rising to this potential disaster - and I use that word advisedly because it's such early days you don't yet know how this could pan out do you?

I'd also say be aware that at some point you'll probably go into a slump when you've taken care of most of the practical stuff - it's entirely to be expected and it's a process to be gone through.

Detach, detach, detach. Someone posted to me in those early days "icy civility" is the way to behave in the face of fuckwittery such as this. It works. Show him you have teeth like this Grin.

PooPooInMyToes · 31/03/2012 13:45

Not sure what you should do but don't like the idea of you all sitting in all day waiting for him.

Perhaps go for walk with the kids?

Have you changed the locks yet? I would imagine it would be unsettling to come home one day and find him in your house.

Turniphead1 · 31/03/2012 14:05

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Goawaybob · 31/03/2012 14:19

Thinking of you today cwtchy xxx

lovebunny · 31/03/2012 14:27

get out, stay out, call the fire brigade out.

or,

get him out. stay in your home. call in every legal and emotional support you can. once its dead, its dead.

lots of hugs for you and do keep getting it off your chest.

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