If you can muster the oomph tomorrow Cwtchy start googling family law firms in your area and make a list of a few firms to call on Monday. I know you planned to talk / did talk to your Unite lawyer at work, and I think that?s a great place to start, but you do need advice from someone who works in family law all the time and knows the case law specific to that field. Remember, it doesn?t cost you a thing if you use the firms offering the free meeting and if you use up the free time wisely and bounce around a few firms you?ll hone your questions as you go.
I love your action-stations, go get the bastard approach and what you?ve done with the signatures on the banking is brilliant - I wish I had had the foresight to do that. One thing I did straight away was change my life insurance at work - I figured that if I fell under the proverbial bus then OW wasn?t going to reap any benefit from that and a little later on I put in place a new will. It?s possible you?ve not got around to the will yet anyway but you may feel inspired to put one in place now - not that I want to be maudlin or anything but it?s all practical stuff, shit though it is.
I know your little ones are the most precious things in the world to you but I would urge you to think about letting him take them to OW?s so that the two of them can share the burden of childcare quickly. I am sure you will be fretting away when he first has them and they?re not with you but in time that time alone will be crucial for you. You will need that time to rediscover you, to indulge yourself in doing the things you want to do - be that wild sex with the guy you just dragged home from the club (trust me, you?ll get that urge again, one day), long hikes or long hot soaks with a favourite book. Whatever it is that makes you you. The sooner you make your H share the burden of childcare the sooner you can all come to terms with the new reality and there is nothing that will cramp OW?s style more than a fretful toddler. I am NOT saying use the kids as pawns or dump them on H if you think they would be harmed in anyway but let the pair of them lie in every inch of the squalid bed they have made for themselves as soon as possible; let them have tantrums and poo. Why deprive them?
Don?t forget you?ve only had 48-hours to get your head around this and I know your head is simply swimming but do think about sharing the burden of childcare with him as fully as possible. If you trust your H with the kids, you know he wouldn?t take them to OW?s if she would harm them, so let them start cultivating their garden of weeds right now (I?m loving the metaphor there Wisey). Personally I can?t think of anything worse that one of the chaps I?ve been dallying with in RL (not that any of them are married!) turning up at mine looking for a place to stay ?until he sorts something out? and THEN turning up with a child in tow 50% of the time.
As for your question about making the marriage work post-discovery, I did try to make it work with H but he didn?t. He paid lip service to making it work because materially we were quite well off together and he didn?t want to sacrifice that but in the end he never stopped lying to me and I knew. It made me ill. I finally cottoned on to his game and left. I?m glad I tried though - I had to reach the bottom before I could head back up to the sunlight but GarlicButter?s spot on - you try to out-mistress the mistress which is daft because it turns you into someone/thing you?re not.
The good thing is when I saw how he behaved during that time of attempted reconciliation, his twists and turns and lies it made me dislike him, very much, and I came to realise that I was missing the man that used to be, the man that was no more and that he could never be that man for me again so it made the split so much easier. The man who had loved me was long gone and I really did not like this new model standing in front of me. It?s shocking that he could turn stranger so fast but he did. I think constant kindness and false love would have made it so much harder for me.
So Cwtchy, your mind must be either going 19 to the dozen or has just ground to a halt - I?m betting on the former right now and we?re all filling it up even more with our posts. Pick out the big purple quality street nuggets of advice that you fancy and throw out the liquorice flavoured ones that you don?t think are quite such good ideas right now but, you know, liquorice does grow on you so maybe they?ll seem like cracking ideas in a week or four?s time :)
As for a Nutella sandwich, shame on you. You don?t need to pretend anymore - go and get a spoon and dig it deep into that jar and slurp away - the nearest you?ll get to intravenous Nutella - yep, double-dip but don?t let the kids see! Oh and red wine with Nutella methinks.
Hey, good luck tomorrow when you see him. It won?t be easy. Try to keep to your plan and if you don?t, that?s fine too and don?t feel bad. You?re only human but boy what a super one you are!
xx