Am I fighting for my marriage or begging?

[cwtchy]

I've been with my DH 14 years, and married for 5 of them. We have a 2 yo and a 4 yo. Things haven't been great for a while as often happens with 2 babies, but DH also works shifts and I work on his days off, which means we have had almost zero time to ourselves since the DCs were born.

DH has told me this week he doesn't love me anymore and it's the end of our marriage.

I'm bloody devastated. I love him as I've always done and was looking forward to our youngest starting nursery this sept so we could have more time together - I was so looking forward to that. He says however that it's gone on too long for him and the love just isn't there any more for him.

I don't want to just let him go, and have told him exactly how I feel, asked him to come to counselling with me, asked for the separation to be a trial one. But he is refusing and says he doesn't want to drag the pain out for me. Should I be trying everything to keep him, or do I deserve better and let him get on with it? I just feel like he hasn't even tried. We used to have such a fantastic relationship. I don't want to beg someone to stay with me who doesn't love me. But I also want to fight for what we had.

morning, cwtchy

good idea not to take his stuff over for him

don't do anything to protect him from the consequences of his actions....he must feel them, all of them

detach from him

tell him you will have no further communication until he mans up and tells the children he is leaving, and then after that it will be about finaces and care of the dc's only

I also recommend that when it comes to it, you keep your house as your prick-free castle now and he cares for his children on his own, away from you

I'm so sorry for you that you are going through this.

You've had some great advice from people who have experienced the same. I think you are doing the right thing in not taking his stuff to him.

Be kind to yourself, try to eat, sleep, take support from others whenever you need it.

I'm glad you decided against going round with his stuff

I wouldn't even remind him it's outside - you told him yesterday if he wants to leave his possessions out in the elements and unprotected that's his problem

Great that you can get counselling and possibly legal help through work as well

You are doing amazingly well Cwtchy do you have anyone to keep you company over the weekend? xx

Morning cwtchy.

I hope you got some sleep and that things are a little brighter.

I have some reservations about letting him tell the DC's alone - you need to be sure you know what was said to them and that it is clear that he's not coming back. Also make sure you discuss his responsibilities about frequency/length of access to DC's soon. If you want him to have nearly 50% access then you need to make that clear now. My sister-in-law wanted her ex-P to have their daughter two nights a week and every other weekend (he only lived round the corner) but he refused, and would only have her one weekend a month. While telling the poor little girl that he would have more if he could but Mummy wouldn't let him .

I'm not suggesting at all that your ex would do this but I think it is important to set out your ideas as soon as you can.

On the other hand is it too soon? I don't know.

So sorry for what you're going through. With regards to telling your children or at least the older one, my circumstances were very different and my DS had quite a while to get used to the idea before my ex left but it wasn't quite as awful as I feared. Dreading telling him was the worst bit. Obviously, it was upsetting but I hope that you find it goes better than you're expecting too. I bought two books for my DS - I can dig out the titles and PM them to you if you want.

Hi cwtchy, another lurker here.
I'm sorry to see how quickly this all unfolded for you.
Please be easy on yourself, and show him no kindness.
I fear you are at the start of a long road, but there are many people here with great advice who are reaching out to help you.
Stay strong, my friend.

Hi cwtchy, I just want to say be kind to yourself and draw your people around you closely. If you need to go to the Doc for a mild sleeping tablet it might help, whatever you feel yourself.

I can't imagine the shock you must be going through. Give yourself time to just take it all in. What has happened to you in 24 hours takes months in most cases to unfold usually.

I had a terrible shock of another nature years ago and it took me many months to recover any kind of equalibrium at all. Think about getting signed off work if you can't cope with that. I know you are coping brilliantly at the moment but don't feel you have to be IronWoman all the time.

Let your emotions out and let people be there for you when you need them. Sending you and your little ones all my best wishes. You're doing brilliantly. Take one day at a time. We are all rooting for you on MN.

Hi cwtchy thinking of you today and your children too. Hope your mum arrived and that you have good friends to support you. You sound brilliant. The loss that you feel must be overwhelming and I know it is actually physically painful for you. Hard to believe that it will ever lessen but it will. It's a cliche I know but you just have to take one day at time right now.
Massive hugs to you.

Agree he should be the one to take responsibility to lead the talk with the children, again it is making him aware of the consequences of his chosen actions.

Maybe dont need to do it right away, can you say daddy is working away for a few days until you can sort out a time to do this with him?

I hope you take as much support as you can get to get through the weekend, we are here always, you are doing really well.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I know exactly how you feel, having been through it myself barely 3 months ago. I just want you to know that you will be ok. I am doing a million times better than I ever could have imagined myself doing in this situation, and I know that despite the chaos of now, the future will be a good place. You've done absolutely the right thing for yourself and your children. The grieving takes longer to get through than the anger though, so if you feel sad - be sad, it's ok. You're allowed to be sad and hurt and to cry. PM me if you need a virtual hug or want to talk about getting through these awful early days. I'm happy to listen/support/send your way x

cwtchy hello.

Have come to your thread only a little while in and already I can see how much support you're getting here, MN helped me through the whole of last year after my own (now ex) twunt got caught red-handed. I can honestly say that despite being distraught I quickly allowed my anger and fury in and once I did that my actions spoke much louder than any words I could possibly have uttered - and I have never once asked the bastard to come back no matter what. It might comfort you to know that his life has taken a rather speedy downward spiral and the affair didn't last, they hardly ever do, being based on deceit. Discovery will have taken all the excitement away and your H and the OW now have to get on with a garden of weeds that once looked like an oasis. Trust me. I know.

Don't give him the satisfaction of having two women competing for him, he should come to the realisation that the OW wasn't worth the pain he'll suffer once you get a sol involved (if that's what you want) and he gets the sharp end of people's disgust . FWIW alot of men say they don't love their DW's any more when in the throes of infidelity, but that's part of the intoxicating effect of affairs I think.

But it's such early days for you and I know what that's like living with the sudden realisation that the man you have loved and trusted could have turned into a liar and cheat, both with you and your DC's. I don't know if you want, or need, any more advice than you are already getting (because actually you are coming across as a grounded and strong woman) but I would say as other's have - DO NOT HELP THIS MAN AVOID THE CONSEQUENCES OF HIS ACTIONS IN ANY WAY WHATSOEVER no matter how much you love him. It will be very important for you and him that you come across as decisive and capable of dealing with any shit he throws your way even as your heart is breaking, and that's a mammoth task for you but ultimately a very sobering reality for your H to face if he's going to 'man-up' and support his DC's and you - not to mention the reality of what he's thrown away.

If you can, try and distract yourself from imagining them together. YOu'll torture yourself and anyway you'd be wildly out in your fantasies is my guess. As other's have said he's likely shitting himself right now and so he should be. And so will the OW I expect. Don't know if she's got DC's herself but one way or another she's now got herself a right catch - a bloke who's going to be seeing his DC's regularly and paying to support them too - not much cash left over for any romantic weekends away methinks.

Make your mind up what you want from this and then treat him coolly, calmly as be as detached as possible. If nothing else he'll wonder where this new woman has emerged from and he'll start to treat you with the respect you so rightly deserve.

Finally, I'm sorry this has happened and you've had so much to take in so quickly but I think that's how it often happens once the discovery is made and there may be more to come in the weeks and months to come, but you'll have started counselling, got some advice and I'm really pleased you are acting so soon to get your finances in order as that's absolutely vital now.

Keep posting. You will be ok. It is a process and it is what it is but you WILL come out of this a much stronger and resolute woman. I promise you that.

Discovery will have taken all the excitement away and your H and the OW now have to get on with a garden of weeds that once looked like an oasis. Trust me. I know.

Wisedupwoman this is so true. I've been through this twice. The first time I was a fair bit younger however a wise woman at the time told me ''do not feed their drama''. I listened and kept my own counsel. Sure in the beginning you have every right to vent your anger and let him know how disgusted you are at him - you need to get that anger out for your own sake.

However once you've done that, you have to play your cards close to your chest - don't let him know what you're thinking - detach.

Let the two of them get on with it - a relationship built on deceit - let them find out how much they've really got in common, how much they really know each other.

And keep coming on here and talking to women who have been through this and know exactly what it feels like. I remember dropping four pounds in weight in one night - I lost two stone in one month - running on adrenaline - so plenty of us have been there cwtchy, and we came out the other side too.

Thanks for today's messages. I'm asking something from each and every one and they are making me that little bit stronger. I've spoken to both of his parents today (both remarried themselves) and they are perhaps as devastated as I am. His siblings are furious. He has no support from anywhere at the moment, apart from her, and I'm sure she's thrilled to now have him living with her so soon into this little adventure!

He is apparently having the kids for some time tomorrow, so I will chew the inside of my cheek or something to resteain myself and we will sit down together and tell the DCs. They have a birthday party tomorrow afternoon, so he will enjoy a lovely reception from the other parents, most know by now.

Our joint account is now frozen, after I removed a slight surplus and we need to divvy up the direct debits this month. So I've done something today, hooray!

Restrain, not resteain!

As I said before Cwtchy- he is entering his own private hell.

Note how he looks in two weeks time.

Meanwhile, you are doing very well.

Did he have time to go to a sol or take anything before he told you?

If not, do copy everything.

And get his stuff out asap- his problem not yours.

Oh, and his key. If he wont give it, change the locks. He may part own the house, but it is your home, and you dont go into his.

Just a quick note to say I think you're doing absolutely brilliantly today. I'm thinking of you and I'll check in later tonight. x

Delurking cwtchy just to say sorry and you are doing really well however much that may not feel true.

Do not let him blame you. That text he sent was disgusting. If he had put half of the effort into his marriage that he has spent on the OW then there would have been something to salvage for him. His laziness and taking the "easy" option is to blame for this.

I was the same as you - with ExH from 18 - 30, panicking about being alone for the first time as an adult when he went off with OW. I had good friends, kept busy and within less than a year I was much happier than I had been while I was with him and 5/6 years on I could positively thank him because life is soooo much better. I wouldn't though because actually it does not change the fact that he was a cowardly twat who I will always despise.

cwitchy

Just when I thought it was impossible to respect you more, you surpass yourself. What an absolute twat he is to lose you, you are amazing.

cwtchy I was in your situation about 16 months ago. You have received tons of good advice here so I won't go on. I just wanted to say you sound as though you are doing well. I'm so sorry you are going through this, I know that it can be hard to believe it when people say that time is a great healer, when everything is so raw and you are still in complete shock. But I am another example of this, I won't lie and say that I am pleased that this happened to me, but I am in such a good place compared to last year and can see a future for myself. Sometimes I barely think about my ex, sometimes I still feel sad. But I don't miss him as such, I just miss the life that I thought I was going to have. I'm still on the road ,and can see that in yet another year I will be so much stronger yet again, and so will you be. Unfortunately you just have to go through this awful time.
My very few bits of advice would be to make sure that you never bad mouth your ex to your kids. Not for his sake but for your own (and the children obviously). It is so much better to behave with dignity, and be the good mother that you are being.
You sound like you are doing very well, you should be very proud of yourself. Also my final 'tip' is to not berate yourself about the inevitable feelings of love and grief you will have for your ex-H. It is very easy for people to advise you to detach (and they are quite right in doing so), but this is a total shock to you and of course you still have those feelings for him. This does not make you weak. It just makes you human, and you just need to ride out those feelings. They honestly do reduce, and detaching from him and cutting contact to a minimum does help with this.
Best of luck with everything, you sound great x

You are doing brilliantly. I think it's right to celebrate each step you take and thing you achieve. It is right to be proud of how you have reacted and responded to this.

cwtchy I seldom read the relationship boards now, the predictable pattern of male cheating gets so depressing However, you have my utmost, sincere respect. You have had a life changing shock and have risen to the challenge with awe inspiring aplomb, grit and class.

I really don't think you will go wrong with such grace. He has lost a wonderful woman. Fool.

so proud of you cwtchy
i hope that in the next crisis i face, i'm able to do it with the grace and fortitude you've shown here. you really are amazing. x

cwtchy Am so very sorry for what you are going through; it is awful! MN was a huge help for me. You're probably still in shock! Who wouldn't be after such a heart-breaking discovery?

Best wishes

I almost never post but read these boards daily. This sounds a bit odd to write to a stranger - but I'm so absolutely proud of you OP. I only hope that I can handle myself with such dignity, grace, and self-respect when serious shit happens to me. Another one sending you good wishes and thinking of you.