Am I fighting for my marriage or begging?

[cwtchy]

I've been with my DH 14 years, and married for 5 of them. We have a 2 yo and a 4 yo. Things haven't been great for a while as often happens with 2 babies, but DH also works shifts and I work on his days off, which means we have had almost zero time to ourselves since the DCs were born.

DH has told me this week he doesn't love me anymore and it's the end of our marriage.

I'm bloody devastated. I love him as I've always done and was looking forward to our youngest starting nursery this sept so we could have more time together - I was so looking forward to that. He says however that it's gone on too long for him and the love just isn't there any more for him.

I don't want to just let him go, and have told him exactly how I feel, asked him to come to counselling with me, asked for the separation to be a trial one. But he is refusing and says he doesn't want to drag the pain out for me. Should I be trying everything to keep him, or do I deserve better and let him get on with it? I just feel like he hasn't even tried. We used to have such a fantastic relationship. I don't want to beg someone to stay with me who doesn't love me. But I also want to fight for what we had.

Hi cwtchy, I've been lurking too. So impressed at how you've behaved. You've done what everyone hopes someone in your position will do, but that so few have the balls and dignity to - left his stuff for him to pick up and not let him through the door.
Stay strong!!! x

Hello all. Oh I feel so sad right now. I'm here on my own and he is with her.

He hasn't even got in touch with the babies today, at all, my heart is breaking for them. I'm going to have to tell the eldest tomorrow that daddy doesn't live with her anymore. I want to make sure they see hima and he does his share, but there's NO WAY they are going anywhere near her house, or near her.

I'm just scared when the adrenaline wears off that I'll just be a mess and it will hurt so so much.

I am so sorry, cwtchy

why on earth are you on your own ?

you didn't send your RL supporters on their way did you ?

You;re bound to feel like this. Just remind yourself of what he's done and is doing, remember she is welcome to him, this will all hugely bite him in the bum.

Is there anyone who can come stay with you for a few days?

Oh cwtchy - don't be sad lovey. He's so so wrong to let the children suffer for his mistake. He's going to miss all the best bits of them growing up but you're going to have them all to yourself. Can you sleep with one of them tonight? I know it's bad but I've been known to use my kids as comforters before. They smell soooo good after their bedtime bath and their hair is so soft and lovely - you can bury yourself and squeeze them until they complain!

Oh yes, and he's a giant arse btw but then you know that.

I am on my own, but only because I'm supposed to be sleeping. Everyone's got work in the morning! I've got to feel sad I suppose, and cry, to get it out. I've been with friends tonight and as he hasn't collected his bags, we are going to go and leave them outside her front door tomorrow. So at least that will be a nice day trip

Cwtchy, I understand how you are feeling....i was feeling pretty good today then i get an email from EXDP asking for something and it all comes back again.....

Threw a major wobbly sobbing, panic attack the lot......this really has been a roller-coaster and I really want to get off now...!

All we can do is believe that things will get better for us.....and they will....its just that we need time to grieve the hopes and dreams which have been crushed by the selfish and deceitful actions of our Ex's.

All my love and thoughts are with you Cwtchy....you are not alone all of us here on MN are with you :) XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Oh cwtchy, I've been lurking & catching up with your thread and now I feel sad that you feel sad tonight

Your friends & family have only left you as they obvs think you need to sleep my lovely, so maybe you should try?

I know its hard to sleep with a million and one things going round in your head, but your dc's need mum to stay strong and sleep will help with that.
Maybe a nice big glass of wine just to help you nod off hot chocolate will help?

I am sending you a big nethuns hug as I think there is a time and a place and this is that time ((((((((( BIG HUG )))))))))

Cwtchy, he may be with his bit from the office, but you have much more precious company- you have the children with you.

I think you're wise to accept that it will hurt, and to cry about it (and it's heartening to know that you have friends and family around who will help you through this).

Operation Mancrap Disposal may help with the clean break you want. Are you sure you're emotionally up to seeing OW's house, and maybe H's car there? Will you be going with friends, or with the children? (Just thinking it might be tough for them if they see their dad there with OW).

it's ok to be sad and cry. it's part of the process isn't it?
i am just sorry that this is the situation you've been put into.

You mean you're going to drop them off outside OW's house? Wow - good for you girl!

As for tonight, it's safe to assume you're not going to sleep much. Maybe curl up in front of the TV with a duvet so you nod off as and when you feel the need. You've had a pretty manic couple of days and even if you don't feel like an early night, your body needs some down time to recuperate.

So far as telling your eldest is concerned, does it have to be done tomorrow? I just feel that it's really his responsibility as it's his decision so he should at least be there and be leading that conversation. Try not to let how this is going to impact on your kids make you feel any sort of guilt. Metaphorically lay that all on his door too so that you can free your own conscience. Essentially this is his mess, let him worry about the clean up. I know in practice you will be picking up the pieces with the kids but in the long-run (as so many wise posters have said on this thread) he's just compounding the biggest mistake he ever made/will make and it's going to bite him in the arse, not you.

Instead of taking the stuff to OW's house, which sounds stressful for you, maybe just leave outside and get a friend to text him to say it's there? Let him organise collection.

Hope you are able to get a little sleep.

Ok, yes, he is "with her" tonight but do you really really think he is happy tonight. I think his hell will already be beginning.

He will still be reeling from the shock of being discovered, by you, and not on his own terms, hence the lack of contact with dcs.

I think he will be shitting himself tonight as he rapidly realises what he is about to face, apart from the loss of his gorgeous young family. He will have to face the disgust of mutual friends, family and hopefully workmates plus take a huge financial hit.

It can hardly be a deep relationship with this office tart that he has given so much up for.

My heart goes out to you cwtchy but you sound so feisty and strong.
There is no doubt he will be missing dcs tonight so you cuddle up to those lovely babies and feel sorry for him.

Yaay, love the dumping of the mancrap outside her house, tho it may be better if you don't go with them.

Jesus. I'd throw his stuff in the nearest bin.

Hello Cwtchy

You must have had one hell of a day - telling people and facing up to your first day alone based on what you now know. You are showing amazing strength but I know how totally numb you must feel right now. Keep posting though - even just an "I can't sleep" post. It keeps you sane AND it's great to look back one day and see how far you've come and you will go so far my lovely, you really will.

As for his mancrap ... personally I would leave his mancrap where it is. Outside. In bin bags. Or I'd shove it in the garage/shed, out of sight, out of mind.

Why make it easy for him? Whether you deliver the mancrap or he comes and picks it up, it's hard for you but dumping it at her house makes it easy for him because he doesn't have to see the home you built together with your DCs, and physically leave it with his tail between his legs, carrying his possessions in a bin bag, with the neighbours pouring scorn on him. You should give him every opportunity to realise what he's done because for now he's wrapped in his vile bubble of non-reality with OW.

If you still intend to deliver it are you sure you can cope with seeing her house just yet and, possibly, his car in the drive? You might feel you need to see it but do think about its potential effect on you before you go over there.

I'd like to share some words that I plucked from MN all those months ago and that I still repeat. One day when I find a suitable ornament I'm going to have them engraved on it:

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass; it's about learning to dance in the rain".

I just love that quote. It galvanised me back then and it galvanises me still and it's how I now live my life. There really are opportunities for joy and rediscovering the old you in all of this and you just have to sift through the shit and find the nuggets of gold, because they're there waiting to be found and enjoyed.

I'll leave you be with one more idea. Buy a little notebook, a beautiful one, the sort you always admire but never "waste your money on". Make that your little book of things to do, things you've always wanted to do but never got around to because he wasn't into doing that or because you didn't have the time because you were waiting for him to get back from somewhere etc. You get the picture.

In my book I wrote down going on holiday alone (done), going to see my family in NZ (done), get a tattoo (talked myself out of that one ...), get my motorbike licence (actively looking for a course now) and there are more and more. I really do write these things down in my beautiful notebook and when I'm down (not because of my H anymore but because I?m normal and just have down days), I get out my book and start planning and it lifts my spirit, it really does.

You're in charge now. In charge of your here and now and in charge of your destiny, your DCs' destiny, your money to spend as you choose. Yes it?s daunting but hell, just think, compromise is a thing of the past. Ain?t that a fucking fantastic thought?

B&A xx

what a lovely post beforeandafter

Thank you for your thoughtful post, Beforeandafter. I can't sleep, the pain is so so bad! I don't care if he's worried or happy or whatever, I just want him back here and wish I could wake up and it never happened. I wish he had put our kids to bed with me like he normally does. I want us to have holidays all together and trips to the park and a Christmas day together, which we never had because he works shifts. I wanted us to go to the cinema to watch the Hunger Games. (random i know) I'm wallowing big time aren't I. We've been together all my adult life, this is going to take me so long to get my head straight. I hate this.

I've just read this and hoping you're ok.

I can't even imagine how unhappy you are.

But don't beg,one day you'll find someone else and you'll be happy again and so will your children.

Good luck.

I know, I know - it hurts so much and the grief and mourning envelop you so. For now you just have to let it do that. You just have to be. You and your hurt and grief and that's fine tonight, just fine. You will torture yourself with all of the dreams not fulfilled and all of the little things that you never got around to doing together and that's all part of what you need to do to get through this.

It must be so very very hard given that your whole adult life has been with him - it makes so sad to think of you in this pain.

You have every right to be wallowing so wallow away, and if it's at all possible do so in the company of alcohol and chocolate - gentle indulgence in a vice or three can be a bit good at a time like this!

cwtchy, I have read this thread aghast at what you are going through. Feel for you I honestly do. I went through something similar in 2008 (although no kids involved). The pain is raw but the pain does eventually end. Sadly there are no shortcuts to getting through this. YOu have been incredibly brave but this is a rollercoaster right now and reality and loss will hit you hard.

Nine times out of 10, these men want to come back. It may be a year from now but I can almost certainly guarantee it. The irony is they tend to want to come back when the woman is so over them and their ''mancrap''. You probably won't want him anyway.

One thing I would recommend is to pick your battles. Driving over there would be a mistake I think. Don't give him any excuse to say to OW or family and friends, ''see, I told you she was mad/irratinonal/etc''. Keep your dignity where possible, don't rise to your emotions, fantasise all you want about what you would say/do etc but think clearly before acting on them.

Just to let you know, I got over mine just fine. Met a guy in 2009 who totally rocked my world and gave me the best two years of my life - seriously! My former ex? The OW ended up cheating on him - but I was so over him I felt no sense of gloating, I actually did feel sorry for him would you believe!

Cwtchy, I am about 2 months further along from where you are. It is still a rollercoaster but all you are feeling is normal, even if it sucks feeling like this.

If you can, get some counselling for yourself, my counsellor has been great, telling me I need to be gentle on myself, give myself permission to grief and mourn the "what ifs".

Now is the time to be good to yourself, treat yourself to the nice things you wanted but perhaps didn't because you were saving for a future with him.

Another poster also recommended a website called "Surviving Infidelity" which I found useful.

Treat yourself with kindness, gentleness and compassion, you have suffered a major trauma. Accept all help offered from friends and family. That will help you stay strong.

Sending lots of hugs and positive thoughts your way.

Cwtchy I am so sorry to read what has been happening. What a horrible situation.

I am another one who thinks he must be reeling in shock at being discovered. He can't paint of a picture to others of his marriage crumbling first and then him meeting the OW. Everyone knows what he has done.

He should come and tell the children he is leaving- he has avoided seeing them or speaking to them which is so cowardly. They deserve better.

How could he do this to you and two little ones? It is so heartbreaking .

I'm not going to take the stuff over now. I think like Beforeandafter said, it will Remind him what he's doing if he has to come back to our house and lug the bags all the way to the car in front of the neighbours.

I haven't slept much, but am feeling less sad. Jobs for today are to get any excess money out of the joint account and then visit the bank to make sure no more can be removed without both signatures. Then I'm going to ring my work Union solicitors and see if I can get my free advice.

I have access to a counsellor through work too, so will arrange an appointment, but will do that next week I think.