Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 2

[CailinDana]

The original thread is here

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

Some useful links from the previous thread:

Samaritans
National Association for People Abused in Childhood
Rape Crisis
Pandoras, a chat room for survivors and their families, American based
Mosac, for non abusing parents and carers, London based
Women against rape self help guide to court

No I never spoke to my mum about what happened and she doesn't know still. I honestly felt she would balme me. I did try once. I told her he put his hands in my knickers and he called me a liar and laughed at me, and she said I should stop being stupid. I never bothered again.

Yep I eventually got kicked out by my mum too as our relationship just wasn't there. We get on better now, but I feel resentful that my life wasn't better growing up. My life has been pretty tough and I see other women my age who have achieved so much in life and all I think is about all the crap I had to put up with at a young age. Instead of drooling over Boy bands and thinking about first kisses, I was trying to avoid getting molested every night. Instead of going to university, I was in a homeless persons hostel and trying to find a place to live.

My kids are wonderful but sometimes I look at them and just remember what I was like at their age, and it hurts and he's out there somewhere. I really want to be free of this.

WhatI, I think what happened to you was as serious as it is affecting you, I don't know what you should do, start with yourself and see how you feel in a while. I can understand wanting to comfort her sister.

Avalon, I understand where you are coming from, now I try and look at what I have accomplished, ok my starting line might be further back than others but I have achieved things, maybe not what non survivors have but some things.

I too feel, sadness? happiness? something when I see children and often think how easily thier innocence can be torn apart.

Yes I would like not to have reason to post here but I do and maybe I can heal and use that to help others.

I guess I'd like to know through those who feel they have managed to get past it how you do heal. How do you do it? How do you stop yourself feeling inferior/different to everyone else who has never gone through it? I'd really like to know because I have tried believe me.

Wow that is a really difficult position to be in WhatIknow. Would it be possible to talk to your friend about her sister, without mentioning the abuse, in the hopes that your friend mentions something or lets you know what she knows? I honestly do not know what I would do in your position. On the one hand I feel like it would be a relief to the sister to know that someone believes her and can corroborate her story but on the other hand I think it could really jeopardise your relationship with your friend, especially if she doesn't think any abuse went on. The question is, is it better for the truth to be out or for your friend to go on thinking her dad was a good man? There is also the possibility that your friend was abused at some point and that if you did bring it up that would open a door for her to face up to it. So difficult.

What happened to you was awful, you don't need to minimise it. You say your parents were horrified - were they also supportive?

I dealt with what happened to me by talking about it, both to friends and to my DH, by getting some counselling (although not much, and some of that was actually damaging rather than helpful), examining on my own how I feel about things and just repeating to myself that I have nothing to be ashamed of. I'm by no means completely over it - I still can't talk out loud about exactly what happened to me and I still feel awful over it from time to time but overall I am much much better than I used to be.

I also have useless unloving parents and moving away from them greatly improved my life.

I have tried to talk to my friend about her sister without letting on what I suspect went on. Yes, I would like to talk to the sister to at least know that she is not alone, however, I'm not sure if she WANTS to deal with it. I have not seen her in over 20 years so it's not like I can just drop her a line.

My parents felt very very guilty obviously for not realising what was happening. To be honest, I had put it out of my mind for a very long time until my nephew turned 4 and then I suddenly remembered a lot of 'details'. I wanted everyone to understand that when a child describes a 'monster', it might not be in his/her head.

I'm not minimising what I experienced. I will never ever forget what happened, right down to very minor details. However, I know that other people were violated a lot worse than me and I feel that what I experienced hasn't left me with the emotional scars that some suffer from.

I understand whatI. I think it's definitely best to continue treading carefully in this situation. The opportunity to bring it up with your friend might arise in the future.

Avalon, by finding people who validate you for who you are, not just one thing that happened. Moving metaphorically and or literally away from "abusive" personalities, I'm different in many ways and I'm the same in many ways. Doing inner child therapy has helped me to reconnect to me.

I don't know if people think I'm emotionally scarred or if I've moved on or not, I've healed a lot, by asking for help, finding my own help and believing in me. Probably sounds selfish but I'm my own best friend?

I haven't suffered anything like you guys have and I'm so sorry these awful things happened to you. I believe you.

I am currently training in education and this thread has been useful to me in learning the effects on young people and what to look out for. Hopefully I will be better able to spot anything suspect I may come across.

I thought you might like to know that you are helping others by raising awareness with this thread. Well done for sharing what must be very difficult to write.

Just spoke to a member of my toxic family on the phone. Feel like I've been slimed.

No, NHAN, I don't. I'm mentally ill, not inherently faulty. If I had malaria, it would be because the mosquito that bit me was ill. It infected me, and now I am ill. Bloody bad luck.

Hang on, did you say you're a therapist? Why am I explaining this to you?

I've had "mentally ill" used against me to try to devalue my issues, knowing my issues are a direct result of abuse has helped me.

Is that it?

I wouldn't have these problems if I hadn't been through that and by labeling me as mentally ill implies there is/was something wrong with my brain rather than me having "a natural reaction to an un natural situation"

Argh, I was worried I'd phrased that all wrong. Sorry!

You're smart, empathetic and (sadly) experienced. Who knows what you'll do with your training in time to come?

how has everyone's day been?

I've done something today that scares me so another step forward.

Nhan, sounds like an interesting discussion. Will think on.

Oooo seriously spooky Karma, I answered that before you'd posted, nearly gave myself a panic attack.

Hope you're feeling less slimed?

Hehe Plink. So what did you do today?

Yes, the slimed feeling is wearing off. Aside from being slimed I had a really fantastic day. I think I've found a new therapist. And I also had a wonderful therapeutic massage and Reiki session from this healer who is also a survivor herself. Feel so much better for it

Well done Karma :)

I ventured off this thread onto the rest of mumsnet without name changing, don't think anyone noticed tests for RL

Not testing mners testing myself for being "normal", not sounding like a twat and doing non abuse stuff. Have a significant social test tomorrow.

For any survivors who may be reading this: what are some rituals or nice things or emergency measures you do that help you feel better quickly and soothe you? Especially things that work during flashbacks or when you are in hyper-startle mode?

For me I've found being home alone works. I like to burn incense, listen to peaceful music, sip tea and just "be"