Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 2

[CailinDana]

The original thread is here

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

Some useful links from the previous thread:

Samaritans
National Association for People Abused in Childhood
Rape Crisis
Pandoras, a chat room for survivors and their families, American based
Mosac, for non abusing parents and carers, London based
Women against rape self help guide to court

Cailin said that so much better Liver, it is good to hear of caring DH's.

Karma, lots of the anti bullying things can help. I am still a work in progress though.

I met up with my sister last night and we have read this thread together. And again we feel we are different from most of you but this didn?t shock us. Being different is something that we live with and we are good at hiding. I remember being raped, buggered, made to give my dad a blow job or having him come over my face. I remember seeing him doing all those things to my sister. We remember and I bet he knows we remember. That gives us the power over him because all the time he must be wondering when his whole comfortable world is going to come crashing down. For us meeting with strangers to discuss what happened wouldn?t help so I guess you would say we have moved on. Lots of you have not and that makes us sad because to us that means the abuser has won. They had their pleasure and ruined lives for ever as a bonus. To us that is too like them winning. We will not let dad win like this.

Karma, not everybody's a Windy Dryden fan but I love him and his assertiveness book.

There's also When I Say No, I Feel Guilty by Manuel J Smith.

On boundaries, I referred often to Boundaries and Relationships. It's quite academic and also has lists of checkpoints, which I found useful in a quandary!

Two other well-thumbed books of mine, both by John & Linda Friel, are An Adult Child's Guide to What's "Normal" and Secrets of Dysfunctional Families. The latter is about how the skeletons in a family closet affect family members, with some ideas on dealing with them.

Hi everyone.
Thank you for sharing your stories. I`ve read the other tread through & have been thinking for days about posting... here goes.

I was abused from the age of 7-11 by the headmaster of my catholic primary school. Also by another man, a neighbour of a family friend.
I had forgotten about this completely (although I have always known there was something weird about me) until I was prgnant with my DS1. I satrted having flash backs, my hair fell out & everything simeltaniously fell in to place & into peices.
My husband knows as much as I can remember & is very supportive. We talk alot. We both know how dangerous it is to hold stuff in. He was badly bullied & beaten growing up, so understands some of the feelings. I feel so sad he has to take this on as he has done so well to make a better life for himself, he didnt sign up for this.
I plucked up the courage to tell my mum when DS1 was 18 months old. i thought this might help. i didnt. She went on to tell me she didnt want to talk about it. She also told 3 of her friends, my dad, my cousin & my brother. I feel so betrayed.
My brother has not looked me in the eye since. He didnt speak to me or congratulate us on our wedding day, no card, nothing. He has not acknowledged the birth of our second son. Our 4yr old doesnt even know he has an Uncle laminator. he lives around the corner from us. :(
I have told my parents over again how much this is killing me, they dont seem to be listening. so much so they thought it was ok to invite my brother around to my house on christmas day. Cue MASSIVE breakdown & flash backs. Ambulance called. ive hardley left the house since. I havent seen my family since then. I dont think I will ever be able to again. We are leaving the country. This has been a plan since before my memories. but it is more importnat now. I cant ever smell christmas again. I need to be in country where it is not required for tiny children to wear uniforms. My health service has let me down. Im reading & reserching as much as I can. But really I`m flying blind. My fuck up of a life makes so much sence now :(

Thank you for this space to share. Its a big step for me.
I think I need a lie down now

1980 I know you probably don't mean it, but your post comes across a bit like "we've got over it, why don't you?" It's very good that you and your sister have managed to move on but others who are still struggling don't "let" the abusers win. It's normal to find it hard to move on from abuse.

Thank you for posting Laminator. I found moving away from my family very healing. I know to some it might seem like running away but if your family refuse to deal with what happened then it can be very damaging. It sounds like your mother likes to stir things rather than to actually help, which is awful.

Cailin, I'm so glad you replied to 1980. Each individual finds their own way through - and those who recognise there is a problem to deal with are more fortunate than deniers, although it makes life harder!

1980, it may be that you and your sister support one another sufficiently :) I'm glad you have each other, and sad that most of our relations prefer to keep the family skeletons hidden away!

Apologies to everyone I haven't acknowledged. My contributions here are limited.

Laminator, well done for taking back the control, I hope your move is good.

1980, some people are ready to recognise where they need help, some aren't. Everybody is different yet the same and acknowledging how the abuse affected them and how to move on. A lot of rubbish comes out of me and I recognise that, changing that is my priorty at the moment so I can engage fully in life with a positive attitude and positive friends. It is working, RL friends are shocked by the change in me in a week. I owe a lot to everyone on this thread. Thankyou all for allowing me the space to talk.

Thanks for the book recs Garlic!

1980,There's a big difference between moving on and avoiding dealing with/working through the psychological wounds left by abuse. Therapy is a way survivors can work through the pain and then truly, happily move on with their lives.

CD, Plink, thank you,
me too, it's weird I feel different today,
i think it's helped our relationship,him reading it, he seems less frustrated and more loving and understanding, I'd like to thank you CD for creating this thread, I think things are going to be much better between us know and it's because of you and all the other ladies sharing there stories and kind words,, x

1980, my step father also made me do sexual pleasures on him and him on me too, I'm sorry you and your sister went through it too, I'm glad you and your sister pulled together and you both supported each other,, I wish I could of with mine, maybe someday? I don't think you've ‘gotten over it' I think you both have just excepted it and learnt to live with it, and moved on with your lives,
I don't think it's about letting the abuser win, i used to feel the same, I used to think if I pretended that everything was ok and that he didn't affect me I'd of won, but I was wrong It's made me worse, it doesn't matter how hard i tried to forget it it's still there, it's caused problems in every aspect of my life,

Thanks CD & NHAN.
I have definatley been re-evaluating what i can remember of my childhood. My parents will insist we had a happy childhood. I suppose we did, they cetainly were not mean to us & we played & had holidays & hobbies indulged. It was made clear to us we would have the childhood my mum didnt. Here is were the denial starts, I think. She put herself in love bubble with my dad & shut the rest of the world out. I know they were not to blame for the abuse that happened to me, but I dont think i can forgive the benign neglect. They knew i had spent time with a peadophile. The never asked me any questions. They put me in a room alone with a man to confess my origional sin. they out me in a pretty dress to accept the body of christ.
They never thought my nightmares, sleep walking, bed wetting & breakdowns till teens (and then some) was out of the ordinary. I have moved house 32 times since i left home at 16. I have had 27 different jobs. im not even forty & I dont imagine ill ever hold down another job. I have no education. no money. no bank account, nothing in my name. I was told i didnt try hard enough in my first abusive marrige. I`m told i should be happy for what i have now.
Some days it does feel like running away. but most of the time it feels like we are moving towards something.

I am reading The Courage to Heal. which i am finding helpful.
thank you for the liks above, have visited some but not all of those. Ive found some PTSD forums that have been very helful, although im still lurking on these sites. i`ll try & link, but a bit rubbish.
I have been offered EMDR(after a massive battle & official complaint against NHS)
The waiting list is at least 20 weeks.
I think I will have to find a private therapist btween now & then.

I`m breaking apart most days...but I know I am ready to work, put shit inplace best i can & be the best mum & partner I can be for myself & my family.
I deserve my 40 (0dd) good years.

I thought at one point I could heal with my family around me. but I know now that they are holding me back. I cant be resposible for their shame/guilt/denial.

Oh, and thanks Plink - I do feel in control about this move, first time ever. We are visiting our intended destination in a few days. husband has informal interview & looking at towns with primary schools. and i dont feel freaked out by any of it. :)
just excited.

I'm glad to hear you're looking forward to the move Laminator. It is tough going adjusting to a new country. The paperwork, oh god, the paperwork! But it is so refreshing to really feel like you're making a fresh start.

Ages ago I was briefly in group therapy for survivors. I became friends with one woman in the group who was only about 21. Most weekends she was going out clubbing, being approached by men who were attracted to her and then feeling utterly powerless and terrified in their presence. Pretty much every weekend she had unwanted sex because she felt too afraid to say no. She would have unprotected sex in alleyways, or group sex and she would be filled with self-disgust afterwards. In the end I couldn't cope with hearing about it anymore because it terrified me.

God that's awful Karma. The poor girl. What scares me is that I could easily have ended up like that. Even as a young teenager I found it hard to say no to boys, I would just let them do what they wanted (nothing major, just kissing and touching). I sort of shut down when I was about 14 and that saved me I think.

Karma, that sounds a lot like the 21 year old me. Except i`d convinced myself that I was in control. The self disgust didnt hit me til years later.

Talking about letting them win, when I told the DC I'd nearly ended it she said if I had he would of won because he would of gotten away with it.

Hi everyone i have been reading this thread and the last thread for age's trying to find the courage to get my words down. I can't/won't talk about to anyone in rl about this. It's that look you get, the one that says pity/horror/disgust it makes me shrivel up a little bit more inside. I just wanted to thank you all really for the 1st time in ages i don't feel quite so alone.

Sorry I went away because I didn't want DP to see me typing. I'm following this thread with interest and Karma I really couldn't handle that either although my heart goes out to that woman.

To recap: I was thinking about this last night and I think the reason I keep thinking about my abuser is because I never spoke up about him abusing me at the time (started when I was 11 and finished when I was 18) he was my mother's partner, and I felt so ashamed about it and I was more afraid that I wouldn't be believed, or worse that my mother would blame me as we didn't have a very good relationship at the time, than I think I was just keeping it a secret and enduring it. I was also afraid I'd be taken into care and put the whole family into upheaval. i had a step sister and I didn't want to be responsible for her dad leaving. I actually felt guilty too, as though I was cheating on my mother because her partner wanted to do sexual things to me.

As I get older I'm actually finding it getting harder to deal with. I've had several brief counseling sessions - none have been very good or lasted more than a couple of weeks. Counseling services in my area have a huge waiting list and by the time I get seen, and they take more time trying to get an exact counselor for my needs I just find it too difficult to talk about anymore.

Anyway I know he's out there somewhere and I can't help wondering where and what he's doing. Whether he has wrecked some other girl's life. I feel like the ordeal for me isn't over and finished because I don't know if he's alive or dead. If I knew he was dead somewhere I think I'd have peace. Until then I just feel so un-alive sometimes.

I'm glad the thread has been of some help threesteps. Whenever you feel ready do go ahead and post whatever is on your mind. No one here will pity you or feel disgust though we will sympathise with how you feel and feel sad for you.

Have you ever spoken to your mother about what happened Avalon? Sorry if you've answered that before, my brain is like a sieve!

Hi Threestepsback, glad you could post, therapy can help with those feelings as many people can be sympathetic, I'm sorry it happened to you.

Karma, thats horrendus and similar to myself pre DC when I drank heavily 14-16 year old. I don't drink now but do have to be very careful with guys, I dated a guy before christmas, didn't want to sleep with him but wasn't "there" to stop it. At least now I'm aware and can stop it, only time since my teens it has happened.

Hey Dotty, have to agree that by not "ending" it is winning.

Avalon, how strange, I think my mother was jealous too, I did get kicked out though. And finding out he was dead helped.

I am joining this thread reluctantly because I'm not sure that what I've been through was as traumatic as everyone else, but it is affecting certain relationships that I have now and I could do with some advice.

Basically, from the age of around 6 (I think) until maybe 9 or 10, my best friend's father would make me touch him whenever I stayed over at their house. It was always in the dark at night, when my friend was asleep. I didn't understand what 'it' was at first (thought it was a monster) and eventually figured it out and made up reasons why I didn't want to stay over with her.

I didn't tell anyone until I was an adult. I remember trying to tell my parents that there was a 'monster' at my friend's house, I couldn't articulate what it was. My parents were horrified when they found out, but my friend's dad had already died of cancer by then.

Here's my problem now: my friend has a very strained relationship with her older sister, who has hinted that she was abused by him and that the sister 'protected' my friend from him. My friend has never said this to me, but reading between the lines, I think this is the case. I don't think my friend was abused by him. I'm not sure. She idolised her father.

I feel that I'm keeping something from her yet I don't think telling her what happened will accomplish anything. I feel like talking to the sister about it, but I don't know her very well, she lives in another country, is quite a bad alcoholic (and I feel for her because I can see where it stems from).

Maybe writing on here is the only place where I can get it out, without doing any damage to my friend. I think telling her would pretty much destroy our friendship and possibly cause her distress that she doesn't need right now.