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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Starting Again, Moving Forward...Onwards and Upwards ! :)

999 replies

Startingagain88 · 27/03/2012 14:33

Following all your wonderful messages of love and support since my partner of 15yrs up and left for OW, my previous thread reached the 1000 post mark and so i'm starting this new thread with a more uplifting subject title!!

Its only three weeks in since EXDP left and so i know i have a long way to go...but slowly each day I'm feeling more positive and believing that my life can be wonderful without him!

Here's the link to my old thread -

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1421736-In-shock-cant-quite-believe-it-Long-Sorry

OP posts:
izzyizin · 08/04/2012 22:33

i was going to offer him a small lump sum to sign a document to say he wont make any further claim

That would be a very unwise move. If you make an offer to him it will be tantamount to saying that you acknowledge that he has a claim in law and, given that the house is in your name and there is no legal document stating he will receive a share of the property in return for work done, he hasn't got a hope in hell of continuing to use you to fund his new life with the ow as a cash cow.

You don't owe him a penny and I suspect that if you ever get around to adding the figures up, he'll be in your debt by a considerable sum.

You don't need to spend your money consulting a solicitor in this matter until such time as he makes a claim - and if he tries bluff and bluster, tell him to go fuck himself get his solicitor to write to you and you'll pass the letter your lawyer.

From what you've said, I very much doubt that he's got the means to fund a legal case against you and, even if he did, your defence and/or counterclaim would make it highly improbable that he'd be successful.

RachyRach30 · 09/04/2012 00:37

Hi,

So sorry I haven't been back to reply to you, I have been thinking about you. It has been my birthday a biggy . Then since Friday I haven't slept properly as had a bad few days. Back on track now.

I think your coping amazingly well. I know you are on a roller coaster ride at the moment but it will get easier as time goes on.

Glad you enjoyed your night with pinkwellies and watching good old films all day. I think I am going to watch a film tomorrow. Which ones did you watch?

What are your plans for the week ahead? Anymore festivals?

only4tonight · 09/04/2012 21:12

How's it all going?

Startingagain88 · 10/04/2012 11:44

Morning!,

Monday didnt do much, just pottered around the house with the dog....watched 'The way we were' on TV which made me shed a few tears.....god Robert Redford was hot...phew! (I like blondes, all other boyfriends except ex were blondes, perhaps i can find myself a nice blonde now preferably with deep blue eyes!)

Had a Ok night, im finding that i am getting more used to being in the house on my own now......i still miss having someone to talk to particularly in the evenings...but im finding less and less that I miss HIM.

Izzy, been doing some reading on the house issue and as time goes by im thinking that in fact he is entitled to nothing, he has had a really easy life with me and he would never have had that on his own as he couldn't earn enough, he has his business now (which i paid for)....its up to him to make his own money.

RR30, Glad to hear that you are feeling better,hope you are ok...... Happy Birthday! I watched Thelma and Louise and Along Came Polly on DVD, trying to keep my mind occupied!

OP posts:
only4tonight · 10/04/2012 12:55

Wow starting you really are sounding so much more positive. No more contact?

Is this Friday the deadline for his stuff?

wheredidiputit · 10/04/2012 13:06

Your sounding so much better.

I agree with you about him be entitled to nothing. Can you image the conversation with him, her and their solicitor.

Conversation would go something along the lines of:

Solicitor - So who paid for the house

Him - Startingagain88 did.

Solicitor - OK, you did some work on the house then.

Him - Yes some improvements inc the loft.

Solicitor - So who paid for the materials

Him - Startingagain88 did

Solicitor - Hmm, Ok you have your business how/who paid for startup costs.

Him - Startingagain88 did.

Solicitor - So who paid for all your living costs.

Him - Startingagain88 did.

His bit on the side now thinking he not the great catch she thought.

Startingagain88 · 10/04/2012 19:35

Evening All!,

Only, really trying to be positive now, feel happier in my own company.....although haven't had a 'proper' conversation for three days now! I did have the urge to all him earlier....it passed though....the last contact from him was a text on Thrusday i didnt answer. He doesnt contact me at the weekends... the OW is there! only seems to do it behind her back (unless its abuse)!!

WDIPI, Your role play made me laugh!!!, The more i think about it the more i think sod him, hes had enough, hes got his van and the Merc and he is earning as he is doing the jobs i set up for him before he left!! No Mortgage or many bills to pay, Its up to him now hes on his own....if he cant make the business work when he has got hardly any outgoings then hes obviously a complete idiot!

OP posts:
izzyizin · 10/04/2012 19:40

He's got no claim in law against you; if anything, it's probable that you've got a claim against him.

Why has he got a car as well as a van? Do you have a car?

Startingagain88 · 10/04/2012 20:04

Hi Izzy,

He's had the car for years now ( i put the deposit down and paid most of the payments)..but the loan is in his name.......... the van is for his business.

I've got my own car which i bought for myself after a particularly good time at work...i bought it in cash....

My solictor said that he could possibly make a claim but he would need a lot of proof and also he would cost him a lot......

He just texted me asking 'What day am i coming round this week?' TBH i really dont feel like him coming here at all as I'm starting to feel stronger and i want that to continue but i also want all his shit out of the garage.....he only wants to come to discuss money 'ie the house'.........wanker.

OP posts:
fedupofnamechanging · 10/04/2012 20:30

Refuse to engage - text back, giving a time. Tell him the garage will be unlocked and anything of his, left behind, will be disposed of. Pretend you are not in when he comes, or better still, actually be out.

I wouldn't discuss the house with him at all - conversations with him leave you feeling sad. If he does contact you wrt claiming, call his bluff and remind him of all your investment in his business and that perhaps you will be making a claim of your own.

Glad to hear you are feeling stronger.

wheredidiputit · 10/04/2012 20:33

Could you text himi back just stating that any of his belonging which are not removed by 5pm Friday 13th (unlucky for some Wink Grin) that you will be disposing of.

If he mentions/wants money from you tell him to speak to a solicitor.

ThePinkPussycat · 10/04/2012 20:36

Do not discuss anything financial with him. Note down later anything he lets slip that is relevant.

The only person you should be discussing your financial situation with is your solicitor.

ThePinkPussycat · 10/04/2012 20:38

That's if you do end up speaking to him - sometimes circumstances mean it can't be helped, best to be prepared even if you intend to avoid meeting him.

only4tonight · 10/04/2012 21:09

I say give him a time to pick up his stuff from the garage when you are out. with the message telling him the time give him the name of your solicitor. Tell him all financial arrangements need to be made through her.

cenicienta · 11/04/2012 00:14

If he does mention finance I would be tempted to reply something like "oh yes my solicitor has advised me that I could be entitled to quite a large chunk of the business, though probably better that she deal with you directly about that"... quite matter of factly.

But like the others say, try not to engage with him. You are so much stronger when you don't have contact with him. And you will continue to feel stronger the more you distance from him

RachyRach30 · 11/04/2012 01:53

Hi,

Thanks, I had a good birthday. Went out for a nice lunch got some nice presents.

Ive watched along came pollly, it's quite a good film. I watched the new Jane Eyre lol on sky movies.

I think don't see him because it will knock you back down again just when your picking yourself up. He will probably sweet talk you and you really don't need this now. I would tell him the time and day you will leave the garage open for him. I would probably be out when he comes so you don't feel tempted to have a chat.

As for the house I'd be tempted once he has collected all his belongings to say what about the house? Theres nothing left to discuss. Well there isn't is there? He can try and get a solicitor involved but he probably doesn't want to pay one and he just isn't going to get anywhere. If he did find the money he doesn't have a leg to stand on.
I really don't think you have anything more to say once he has his things. It will be easier for you to have no contact. I'd just say there's nothing more to discuss about the house , have a nice life. That will show him your moving on. He will be really pisesed off that he can't get any money out of you , that you have basically stood up for yourself and told him on your bike your not getting a dime and that your showing him that you are getting over him.

RachyRach30 · 11/04/2012 01:57

He's not going to get anything but I just thought are you prepared to just walk away. Eg let him keep the van etc or do you want to try and get something from him?

izzyizin · 11/04/2012 02:48

The only reason your solicitor told you, virtually in passing as I recall, that he 'could' make a claim was simply lawyer-speak to cover every eventuality. The mere fact that your solicitor did not find it necessary to discuss the merits of any such possible claim suggests that s/he is of the opinion that your twunt of an ex doesn't have a hope in hell case in law.

Don't give him the name of your solicitor and don't raise the subject of money with him at all. If he should come the old acid again simply tell him to take a hike in the direction of a lawyer because you don't intend to waste your time giving him information that he'll have to pay for he needs to hear from a solicitor.

DON'T fall into the trap of implying that he has any right whatsoever to pursue a claim against you. If you don't feel able to completely blank him should he raise the subject of finances, adopt cenicienta's excellent advice of 'my solicitor has advised me that I am (not 'could be'!) entitled to a considerable sum in respect of the business and the van' and tell him to get his solicitor to write to you whereupon you'll pass the letter to your lawyer.

Let him find out the expensive hard way that it'll cost him far more than he can hope to realise from any claim he may make to try and get more money out of you.

Expect him to turn nasty when the ow he realises that his well of easy money has run dry and that he's dependent on his new love to fund him without hope of a future windfall from you.

Now do what you should have done a couple of weeks back; text him one date on which you'll leave the garage open for him to collect his crap belongings and make it clear that anything left will be collected by your local council's refuse dept and taken to the skip, and then resolve to have no more contact with him.

Also, in the spirit of 'once more unto the breach, dear friend', if you haven't done so already, FFS change your locks.

southlundon · 11/04/2012 10:12

Great advice from everyone above - esp not mentioning anything about money and if he raises it first just telling him to give you his solicitor's number (I bet he doesn't have one and the thought of paying for one will put him off).

Have a lovely day - and get out there and have a conversation with someone, anyone! Smile

oldwomaninashoe · 11/04/2012 10:58

Starting, I have been reading your thread(s) and congratulate you on the way you are coping.

On another tack, you mentioned that your dog was not good with strangers and that he had been bought originally as a guard dog. Have you thought of going to classes with the dog, training and socialisation. I have a friend who has gone to them and said that they were good fun and that she met a nice variety of people there and made a couple of good friends.

Startingagain88 · 11/04/2012 11:23

Morning....

Strange morning.....ex called i answered as i need a time from him to get his stuff, doing his nicey nicey act... apparently he is very short on money! Huh so am I!

Putting pressure on regarding the house.. what am i doing etc....i said i don't know what i am doing with MY house, he said we have things to sort out before we can move on. Apparently he saw me three times yesterday...all in places where i was, it sounds like he saw me and followed me!?!?! Still says he doesn't love me anymore is happy etc..........

He also said that he is working in London on Friday doing a job for a divorce Lawyer (i think this is a bluff but you never know!).... he wants to bleed me fucking dry!

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadows · 11/04/2012 11:34

Ignore it. He could possibly make a claim, but wont necessarily get anywhere!

Dont wait around for him to get his stufff.

Tell him you are paying to get the council waste management to pick it up on this or that date together with some other stuff you are chucking out, and if it is still there, it will be gone with the rest.

fedupofnamechanging · 11/04/2012 11:49

I think it's time to stop all contact, except via a solicitor. If he wants to bleed you dry, it's going to involve putting his hand in his pocket a lot. Solicitors don't come cheap and you can make it really expensive for him. As izzyizin advises - don't give him any information that he would otherwise have to find out by consulting (and paying for) a solicitor.

He's probably chancing his arm at the moment and hoping you will give him money, without involving solicitors. If he goes down the legal route then you really must get very tough with him and start counter claiming against his business and van and the payments you can prove you made on his car loan, all the financial support you have given towards his living expenses. Don't let anything slide.

Have you hunted out all your paperwork yet? You do need to be armed with all you can get hold of, before he makes a move.

And don't panic - the onus is on him to prove what he has contributed. Because the house in in your name, there is no automatic assumption that this asset should be shared - he has to establish that his contribution added value or enabled you to pay for the house. So, if he had paid all the living expenses, so you could meet the mortgage, then he would have a reasonable claim, but that didn't happen here, and you can prove it.

KirstyWirsty · 11/04/2012 11:57

Arrggh!! The bloody cheek of him! He doesn't half like to add insult to injury! Angry

Think you may need to be tough and as the others say get what you are entitled to back from him .. that will teach him a bloody lesson

The OW will be the one egging him on in all this .. telling him he is entitled to a share .. she won't know the truth that you were bankrolling him!!

Startingagain88 · 11/04/2012 12:01

The problem is that I am being too 'reasonable' with him....i want things to be amicable, he just wants to take what he can get and thats it...

I've started going through my paperwork but there is just so much of it!!... was dancing in the kitchen this morning....now after talking to him I feel like shit again!! He wants to come on saturday to get the rest of his stuff... thats fine... but he also wants to 'sort things out'- ie the house.

OP posts: