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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Starting Again, Moving Forward...Onwards and Upwards ! :)

999 replies

Startingagain88 · 27/03/2012 14:33

Following all your wonderful messages of love and support since my partner of 15yrs up and left for OW, my previous thread reached the 1000 post mark and so i'm starting this new thread with a more uplifting subject title!!

Its only three weeks in since EXDP left and so i know i have a long way to go...but slowly each day I'm feeling more positive and believing that my life can be wonderful without him!

Here's the link to my old thread -

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1421736-In-shock-cant-quite-believe-it-Long-Sorry

OP posts:
only4tonight · 05/04/2012 20:43

if you are going to make him sign any kind of contract make it a mutual agreement. You wont go after what you are OWED from his business, including wages for the work you have done, plans and doing the books, The van, Tools (I am willing to bet you paid for most of them) If he wont make a claim against the house.

You MUST remember an estate agents first valuation is likely to be a large over estimate of what you will actually achieve. I dont want to worry you but the market isnt great so dont go thinking you will get top money for it.

Also remember during that time you paid the cost of living, holidays, cars, HIS BEER! really STOP, STOP now you dont owe him anything.

I cant think of any reason he would be still calling you so regularly is he didnt want to do you harm!

only4tonight · 05/04/2012 20:44

Also councelling was great for me. Really put things into perspective. If I had spare cash I would certainly invest in some more sessions.

QuintessentialShadows · 05/04/2012 21:06

Ok. Starting. He does not deserve a thing!!

Other than bad karma.

Dont offer him any money. Get what is yours, like, the van.

Helltotheno · 05/04/2012 21:50

He's calling OP regularly because of the money, make no mistake about it. There's no guilt or anything else going on. He's just sniffing around until he can pounce. Right now, because of your last phone call, he thinks he's in a position of power because you begged him to come back. Definitely try not to talk to him again, at least until your head is straight.

It's a pity you couldn't just do a moonlight flit with the proceeds of the house and cut him out of your life completely. Did you ask the estate agency if they have anyone on their books who'd be ready to go immediately?

Original poster
Startingagain88 · 05/04/2012 22:54

Xales, he is pretty crap, the finish is there but he is so sloooowww.... i'm not legally tied to his business thank god he's own his own now. I am compiling a 'dossier' lol to demonstrate just how much bankrolling i did!

Only, that was my plan to use his business as a bargaining tool as paid for the set up and did all of the back office work....I'm sure that if i was potless i wouldnt have seen him for dust so im not under any illusions about that! :)

What made me say no to the pills for now was the realisation that i felt better just talking it through with the doctor he was very understanding and calming (and handsome BTW) - the saying a problem shared is a problem halved is very true. :)

Quint and Hello, i'm normally very guarded when i talk to him, i do know what he is after....my begging phonecall was an embarrassing blip Blush

OP posts:
LiarsWife · 05/04/2012 22:59

I'm so proud of you Starting you are sounding so together .. :)

It's not been long and look how far you've come .. xx

RoxyRobin · 05/04/2012 23:20

I always find handsome doctors unnerving! One of my sisters had to go and see hers - some bald guy approaching retirement - only to find that he was away and replaced by a young locum who, she said, was the most handsome man she'd ever seen. Trouble was, she'd made the appointment because she had an unpleasant discharge. She was sorely tempted to pretend it was something else and come back when the regular GP was there but got a grip and explained the problem. She wanted the ground to swallow her up when he asked her if it smelt offensive and she had to admit that yes, it did!

Good that you are noticing attractive men!

only4tonight · 05/04/2012 23:29

Did gp say he will refer you for counselling? The wait will be a bit but its worth it if talking helps you.

Do you know of any local events over Easter you can go to? There is often a lot of community stuff going on this weekend. It might get you out some and meeting new people

only4tonight · 05/04/2012 23:30

I know I shouldn't roxy but I have to .... What was it your sister had?

RoxyRobin · 05/04/2012 23:41

Can't tell you o4t - I've taken the Hippocratic Oath! Actually, it's because I can't remember, but she's the type that always has something festering somewhere. If it's not 'down below' as my ma used to say, it'll be a repulsive pus-filled boil (she should post pictures on one of the boil-porn threads) or fungus-infected toe-nails. So that doctor got off lightly.

Helltotheno · 06/04/2012 11:29

my begging phonecall was an embarrassing blip

Oh I know, and we've all done it cringes over memories of drunk texts!.
The thing is, that call is sort of an advantage for you now because he's going round thinking 'Poor ol desperate Starting will give me anything I ask for cos she wants me back so bad'. .... and of course you're going to prove him so wrong when you realise how much he's taken from you for so long....

He sounds like a pathetic excuse for a man by the way, having to be basically kept by you for all those years. You really can do so so much better.

Original poster
Startingagain88 · 06/04/2012 12:12

Thanks LW, I wasn't feeling that good for quite a few days this week in fact i was feeling pretty much rock bottom, but yesterday i picked up a bit and even had a good laugh last night at something on the tv (louie spence on the sarah millican show). Today the sun is shining and im feeling quite positive.. even singing while hanging the washing out!

There is an Easter fair on nearby which im going to go to this afternoon, and i meeting up with Pinkwellies tonight (she has become a firm friend...shes lovely :)) I've got someone coming about the loft tomorrow and there is a beer festival nearby which i might pop into to (not sure!!)

Roxy....your sister sounds 'interesting' LOL!

Hello.... He did have an easy ride for many years and he knows it....i give it a year max before he begs me to come back (not because he loves me but because he will miss me supporting him and fixing his problems)!

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadows · 06/04/2012 12:55

Sometimes you need a bit of a "blip" to move forwards. Smile
You are doing grande!

SlightlyJaded · 06/04/2012 14:02

I agree that the phone call might be to your advantage. He is now under the false predation that you are putting your life on hold and just waiting for him to come back.

He will be more complacent in his new relationship believing he still has a Plan B. And he will be twice as shocked if and when he does try to swagger back in to your life only to discover you have completely moved on.

Silver linings are always there if you look hard enough Smile

SlightlyJaded · 06/04/2012 14:03

Impression not predation. Really iPhone? Really?

only4tonight · 06/04/2012 14:42

Beer festival sounds like a great opportunity! Eat drink be merry and talk to people. Do you have a oval internet forum? Maybe you could find a group of people to meet up with.

only4tonight · 06/04/2012 14:43

Oh predictive text errors are catching. Local not bloody oval

Original poster
Startingagain88 · 06/04/2012 18:01

Went along to the Easter Fair was nice but full of families/ couples so on a bit of a downer afterwards!!

I do want to go along to beer festival but a bit worried about going on my own...i might just bit the bullet..........

OP posts:
wheredidiputit · 06/04/2012 19:21

Go to the beer festival (But get a taxi Grin), your more likely to meet some new friends.

crazynell · 06/04/2012 23:47

Starting i've been keeping up with the latest events and i'm rooting for you and sending you a virtual ((( )))
I'll be thinking of you over easter.

I know what you mean about it all being families and couples at the Fayre - its difficult when they seem like they are everywhere, it makes you feel even more lonely and alone - i used to hate bank holidays and holidays when i was on my own. All i can say is that you do get through these holidays - i used to take my dog off to the beach or the forest where i wouldn't be surrounded by families and couples and have a long walk and come back home and make myself a nice meal and a glass of wine and think to myself "I might be lonely but at least i'm in charge of my life and not having to put up with some shtf*e dictating my life and draining me" Crazy x

LiarsWife · 08/04/2012 19:20

Happy Easter Starting.. how has your weekend been? Has he cleared out his shit yet? xx

crazynell · 08/04/2012 19:23

how was your easter sunday Starting?

wheredidiputit · 08/04/2012 20:14

Has Starting not come back from the beer festival yet.

wiseoldowl · 08/04/2012 20:37

Hi Starting have just read through your thread (& the old one) & just wanted to add my support.
Keep up the good work, do NOT make any offer without taking advice from solicitor ...anything you offer at this stage might not suit them & wont be retractable. & why the hell does he deserve anything the f*ing cocklodger.
You will have good days & bad (mine has been nearly a year since XH left for OW & today was the first time I havent cried when receiving sol letter) so I assure you things get better but it does take time and you do have to go through all the stages.
You are being very strong & getting good advice & I just wanted to say hang in there. x

Original poster
Startingagain88 · 08/04/2012 21:15

Hi All,

Thanks for checking up on me!

Met up with Pinkwellies on Friday night, had a few drinks which i really enjoyed!!!- Didnt go to the beer festival on saturday went to the shops instead, bought a few little things to cheer myself up....stupidly got upset in sainsburys (buying food for one) so ended up bawling my eyes out in the car!

Felt sad when i got home, there was a Easter service from Kings on the TV and i got strangely emotional about it all...(I'm not really religious-lapsed Catholic!)...i had a really good cry again and then I felt fine.....the crying seems to help me -even though i hate it at the time, I'm not a 'crier' normally :)

Stayed in all day today watching crap TV and DVD's and haven't cried today-yet! :)

OP posts: