Starting Again, Moving Forward...Onwards and Upwards ! :)

[Startingagain88]

Following all your wonderful messages of love and support since my partner of 15yrs up and left for OW, my previous thread reached the 1000 post mark and so i'm starting this new thread with a more uplifting subject title!!

Its only three weeks in since EXDP left and so i know i have a long way to go...but slowly each day I'm feeling more positive and believing that my life can be wonderful without him!

Here's the link to my old thread -

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1421736-In-shock-cant-quite-believe-it-Long-Sorry

You poor girl. There are women the length and breadth of the country sending you virtual hugs but I know it's no substitute for a real, live one.

The thing is, you're in the slough of despond at the moment. There's no easy way to get through this - all you can do is to keep putting one foot in front of the other and trudge on, teeth gritted. There will be times when you collapse in a sobbing heap, but the sobbing eventually stops. And of course, crying has a useful function: it releases a lot of stress from your body which would do it harm if left to build up. What you are going through now is the worst part - if only you can keep ploughing on it will get better. You won't suddenly feel it tomorrow, or next week - but one of these days you are going to find that the emotional rollercoaster mentioned by so many women on here is slowing to a halt.

You'll still have periods when you'll have a weep over what's happened to you, but it's the same with us all. Every woman bears the scars of past wounds. But then it will just be your history, and not your present.

One relatively simple thing you must do, though, is to register with a GP. Whether you want his/her help with your present plight or not, you need to be able to access medical care. And when you've acquired one, don't be afraid of telling the doctor about how you are. We're often embarrassed to tell the doctor about emotional problems - God knows why, they're the cause of so many of our ills.

Bear up, Starting - we're all mentally sending you strength. xx

It's a bereavement isn't it, and the stages are not dissimilar to when someone dies. Something very very important has died, and you have to come to terms with that. It will be messy in parts, you just have to let it roll. And be kind to yourself.

I'm also going through a 'bereavement' and today I did hardly anything. Days like this are frustrating, it's easy to beat yourself up, tell yourself to get on... but the motor is a bit broken and you just can't. I know that one day I will be my old self again (only stronger) and I look more to the long haul and try not to beat myself up about unproductive days, or days when I cry a lot, or feel completely overwhelmed by the simplest thing. eg it was cold today and, especially after our balmy week, I was unprepared, which can put a spanner in the works. Tomorrow will probably be better as I'm on the case iyswim, I know it's going to be cold tomorrow. Day at a time eh (sometimes hour at a time) xx

Thank you all so much for your messages of support, they are so comforting to me X

Roxy, thats exactly how i feel ...like im trudging through mud.. every step is hard and painful.... I have cried more than i thought was possible over the last week , as so many of you have said, its the shock wearing off and the grief kicking in....I've been through grief twice when my beloved mum and dad died and i got through that.

I went to register with a GP today...and just being around the people there was nice, i didnt want to leave even though i started to cry, I have an appointment booked for this afternoon, although i'm a bit worried about getting tablets :( .

Springy, i know how you feel, i say to myself -right today i going to get this done..and instead i find myself crying and my mind is racing with negative thoughts.....how long is it since your 'bereavement'?

Check with land registry to see if he has tried to put a claim against your house in his name. If not..

If you really want to get rid put the house on the market asap as it is. Some one like your mug of an ex will consider it a fixer upper and want it. Get it on without a sign in front and keep it quiet.

As long as you clear what you put into it and walk away you have made no loss.

Check if there has been an average increase in house prices in the area. If yours is in that band then simple argument is it is market forces and nothing he has done has improved the value.

Also I guess you have paid for all materials as this cocklodger has not had a job ever so all he can say is he has provided labour. I am sure even the most lazy builder will be able to prove that the jobs he did should have taken weeks/months not years. There is then another argument that the labour he provided was in lieu of rent/food bills etc.

If he has not registered a claim and you can keep it quiet once you have signed the paperwork, have the money in your account and walked away/bought another property any claim he thinks he has will be extremely tenuous.

Change your mobile leave no forwarding address and leave this twat and his life behind you.

If he does decide to try for some of your assets stop being so flaming nice to him and drive a hard bargain against the van/business/work you have put into it. I am sure there will again be a paper trail linking the funding back to you.

You are in a much stronger position than you think financially.

Are you crying for him or for the future you had planned, the children, marriage, watching the children grow etc?

You are still young and can do all these things with a decent man who deserves you when you are ready.

/hugs

In the past I would have been extremely reluctant to take medication if I was having emotional problems. However, one of my sisters had some sort of breakdown due to prolonged and intense pressure and was prescibed a course of tablets (can't remember what). They didn't act as a kind of numbing mental cosh, leaving her like a zombie (which is the fear I'd always had about them) - they just took sufficient edge off her frightening feelings to help her cope day to day. She was very quickly back at work, and didn't take them all that long. And as I mentioned, a friend of mine took medication when her horrid ex set himself up with an OW. (Incidentally, he'd persuaded her to invest in a company he set up and use her house as surety for a bank loan. He was totally inept and made bad financial decisions - which he kept from her - and she almost lost her house after he'd left her. Fortunately it's all over now and she's getting on with her life - still in her house, thank God.) She said the tablets helped her stay on an even keel, so I have revised my opinion of such things and would consider taking them myself if the need arose.

I'm not pushing drugs to you though! Just saying they can be a useful tool if you find yourself completely overwhelmed and unable to proceed, so perhaps don't dismiss them out of hand. Sounds as if a nice sympathetic ear is what you need at the mo. My mum used to provide this service for me but she died three years ago, and there's no-one else I can really get things off my chest to. My DS tells me nothing! But I think boys aren't just a different gender - they're a different species.

xx

Xales, thats sounds like a plan !.....you seem to know a lot about it, have you done it yourself???

Apparently prices have only gone up by 5% here in the last few years...but i got the house at a really good price when i bought it so the price the EA has told me i could sell for in its current state is 25% more than what i paid for it...and about 18% more when you add in the cost of the works....

Yes i did pay for all the materials and bills etc as he wasn't working, its only been the last eight months when he was working but even then i had to supplement our income with my savings,.....its taken him 3 years to fit a bathroom and boiler, 1/2 complete a loft conversion, lay the drive paint two bedrooms lay some flooring!

I dont feel in a strong position and its worrying me dreadfully...i though having the property in my name would protect me from this.....could i really do what you suggest could he pursue me for what he feels he is entitled to?

Roxy, i suppose i see pills as a last resort and i don't think im there yet !....i'll still go along and have a chat see what the doc says........

A sympathetic ear and a hug is exactly what i need...as i said i have my brother who is great but hes a bloke and does bloke hugs!

Pinkwellies has been wonderful...i honestly do not think i would have coped without her advice and insight -but i don't want to dump on her all the time....i need a few more ears!

My mum and dad were great listeners and gave brilliant advice..... the things im going through at the moment just make me miss then even more than i did before...its hard.

Xales, it probably is the future that i am mourning more than him, and im also mourning the time and money i wasted on him!

Even after all that, i probably do think he is entitled to something we were together 15 years......

Is that all he has done . In 3 years!!! The painting of the rooms and flooring I would consider normal living in a house and not important with regards to house value. I do them myself here

The loft, well if he has only half done it, sent you that abusive text (please say you have kept it) saying fuck off and pay someone else to do the rest of the work. Then well not really added much there as you would need to pay someone to complete it to a usable standard (that could all be deducted from his 'share' of the value).

My bathroom was done in less than a month, cost around £5k in total including all parts & labour. Is it an additional bathroom or the original one replaced? An additional one may have added value but his contribution was at max a couple of £k labour.

Not had my boiler replaced however my central heating pump went bang about a month ago and all in parts and labour cost me £1k to get it back up and running.

No idea about a drive however again I would imagine a £k or 2 in labour max.

So while you could agree that the work he has done has helped increase the value of the property his contribution to that increase is what £5k max in labour???

Is all his work certified and signed off? Especially the boiler etc? If not get it checked for piece of mind and any estimates for corrections that need to be done can again be taken from his 'contribution'.

How much did his car cost? How much did his van cost? How much reasonably would you argue your work for his business is worth and how much did you put into that business. Bet that is going to be far more than his £5k contribution.

He has not paid towards the mortgage, council tax, food, bills, heating, water (you can named the rest) apart from the last few months (when he was planning on leaving you and setting up his escape plan).

I think any reasonable lawyer could make mince meat of this guy in 2 letters flat.

Not done it all. I just know that from reading on here most women are advised to register a claim somehow via the land registry if they leave a long term relationship and think they have a right to the share of the property. So if you start there you will know where you stand right now.

That could change of course if he does try to register a claim. Do you think he is that smart?

I think it pays you to carry on being seen as nice and reasonable towards him for now while you get all your cards in order then if he does try this I think (if you stop being so nice) you will blow him away in small order.

How can he be entitled to anything? You paid his rent, food, heating, lighting, water, clothes, shampoo, toothpaste, toothbrush, holidays, cars.

If he had paid 50% of that or even some proportion I would agree with you that he was entitled to a fair share based on the proportion he had paid.

If he had stayed at home looking after children allowing you to earn more then I would agree he was entitled to a share.

He hasn't.

He isn't.

Even after all that, i probably do think he is entitled to something we were together 15 years......

OP it's just not good to hear you say this. You really need to protect yourself here. The guy has already screwed you over and can and will do that again. I know if you were angry enough, you would have already taken steps to block him out of your life completely. So maybe you're not quite there yet but please, as Xales says, take steps to protect yourself....
At the end of the day, you have to look after no 1 here and that's yourself; he's moved on to someone else, he shouldn't be anywhere on your list of priorities.

Xales,

I'm currently going through all my paperwork to see what my position is, as i was going to offer him a small lump sum to sign a document to say he wont make any further claim etc......but when you put it like above !?!!?

The problem is that as my mind is so clouded at the moment...its taking me three times as long to do the most simple sorting out of things etc...but i am getting there.

Lol...see i told you guys he was slow... the problem is that each day he would have about 10 cans of lager while/after work then the next day he didnt start till 11.00! Not very productive!

The boiler was actually installed by a Gas Safe guy EXDP just helped him with laying pipes etc

The loft is about 1/2 the way there most of the structural work is done...but a bathroom etc needs to be fitted, it hasn't yet had the final sign off by building regs...they have been involved all the way along though and I have plans etc and my next door neighbour is a structural engineer!

I kept the text...i look at it if i have the urge to ring him :) He admits he has left me in the s**t regarding the loft.

I think if i added up the 'labour' it would probably be 10K max, but then i paid the deposit on his car and the payments (£220 a month) for four years, and invested about 4K in his business set up!

Helltotheno, I haven't fully reached the angry phase yet you're right...im still grieving at the moment..... the anger comes and goes.

I am currently sorting through my paperwork to understand my position, this will also allow me to understand what he actually had out of me...then i will get angry im sure... and i will be in a better position to decide the way forward, I'll then have a chat with my solictor and see what he has to say!

What does your solicitor say about making him an offer? I would hold off on making an offer in case it gives him ideas.

4 years at £220 a month is over £10k straight away. What salary were you on all those years as it was for both of you he has effectively had half? If you were on £20k and spent that all every year he has effectively had £10k off you every year for the last 15 years as you supported both of you!

£150k to sit on his arse and drink 10 cans of larger which you paid for day in, day out for 15 years.

You think he is entitled to more?

What are you on about -he's owed something after 15 years!!!???

WHat are you owed after the same 15 years? A bit of honesty? Thoughtfulness? Decentcy? He hasn't shown you those has he? Why is he due anything? It's your house, he's lived in it, without actually increasing the value, for those years, he has not input anything. A bit of DIY does not a property developer make!

Get down the solicitor and protect yourself and your money. As Xales says, stop being so bloody nice!
It will NOT make him come back.
It will NOT make him like you any more.

It will NOT make him think you are better than the OW!

HE IS NOT DUE ANYTHING MORE FROM YOU!

Enough is enough. He's had enough from you - he can stand on his own 2 feet now.

Don't offer him any money. If he hasn't already thought about putting a claim in, you will certainly give him the idea and make him think he's entitled to something if you go down that road. When you add it all up, he owes you money

Don't let panic drive your decision making - I wouldn't do anything without talking to the solicitor.

I really like the idea of selling the house discreetly and moving away. The less he knows about your business, the better.

Have you looked into some counselling? This guy has done a right number on you. A few sessions may help you get yourself back.

Xales, i have today actually called a few practices to find out about booking some sessions..i think it would be really helpful for me....

At the start we both worked etc but the properties were always in my name....about six years ago we moved down from London and did some development of properties...we weren't very good at it! probably made about 30k in all and these properties were in my name...

He worked for about a year when we first moved down so for about 4 1/2 he wasnt working at all other than doing 'DIY Work', very slowly may i add!! I brought in a lot more than 20K and financed some really nice holidays, nice lifestyle etc he basically didnt have to worry about a thing...its only since i gave up work that the reality of life has hit him....and he's bolted !

Dont forget, his name is not on the deeds and we are not married!

As i said, i am sorting through the paperwork and am going back to see my solictor next week armed with the facts!

THANKS FOR THE ANGER ON MY BEHALF LADIES

Just one point: in that unpleasant text did he not say "divi up r combined assets"? This suggests to me that he regards your assets as a shared pot. Don't under any circumstances offer him anything. If you do his sense of entitlement will be reinforced and he will certainly want more. And if he doesn't you can bet OW does.

Don't let him take advantage of your decency! He's had more than enough out of you already.

Hes just tried to call me... wasn't even tempted to answer :) ...off to GP now!

You have some top-notch advice. I do hope the anger kicks in soon. You're like me starting - too soft

re meds - the way modern meds work is entirely different to the old-style meds: they don't knock you out but get the chemical receptors firing again that have become disabled by prolonged stress. adrenalin depletes eg serotonin etc (naturally feelgood brain chemicals) and eventually the receptors for these natural chemicals stops functioning. modern meds get them going again - so you're not given a different personality (or knocked out), you're given back your own! I took them when I had PND and I can honestly say they saved my life and I thank God for them. I also discovered that a lot of GPs are on them, so you needn't feel you are in any way stigmatised if you go on a course to get you back on top. You would get your energy back too - your depleted energy indicates your feelgood chemicals aren't firing properly.

My 'bereavement' - different to yours - happened about Christmas. I was in shock for about a month and now I'm going through the roller-coaster. I'm considering meds and saw my GP to that effect a few days ago.

To be honest the property development could make it a lot more complicated.

Did he put any money into them? Did he do work on them to do them up? What happened with the £30k you made? The fact it was all done in your name really helps though.

You really do need that proper advice.

i don't think you should make any offer, but if you do, then please look up the meaning of the phrase "without prejudice" and make sure that you head any offer letter with it!

Also, i think you need to refute the "divide up our assets" text message. If you leave it to stand unchallenged, then he can say you had verbally agreed it.

Personally, I would agree nothing verbally and be very careful with every word you write. (i.e. don't agree that he even did the work mentioned)

Springy, had a chat with Doctor...decided against pills for now...he said i can go back next week if i change my mind....i may try some counselling instead!

Xales, he didnt put any cash in but did do the work....the amounts we made were small though! To go through 15 years of paperwork would be a mammoth task...and my solicitor would charge a fortune for it!!

Counselling really sounds like a great idea. To find out why you think this muppet deserves someone like you.

He sounds like a terrible builder! Did the work but the amounts you made were tiny and takes 3 and half years to do what amounts to a bathroom, a drive and half a loft at the end of the day lol Are you legally tied into his business venture? If so get yourself out of it before he ruins it and goes bankrupt!

If you have the paperwork I would start building yourself a folder and spreadsheet with it all so that if he brings this up you have the evidence on hand to tell him to bog off rather than having to sort it out then even more stressed.

I don't want to go all Sarah Beeney on you but were your figures accurate? Did you include everything for interest payments (how much you would have made on any savings if they were just sat in an account compared to the profit?), costs incurred, CGT paid etc? if he says he is entitled to half any profit I would imagine a semi decent account can have him owing you money pretty fast

It is still very early days. You are doing amazing. /hugs