Starting Again, Moving Forward...Onwards and Upwards ! :)

[Startingagain88]

Following all your wonderful messages of love and support since my partner of 15yrs up and left for OW, my previous thread reached the 1000 post mark and so i'm starting this new thread with a more uplifting subject title!!

Its only three weeks in since EXDP left and so i know i have a long way to go...but slowly each day I'm feeling more positive and believing that my life can be wonderful without him!

Here's the link to my old thread -

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1421736-In-shock-cant-quite-believe-it-Long-Sorry

Why does this fuckwit think you would need to talk to him , ever ?

The only thing you NEED him to do is fuck right off .

Well done on withstanding his crawling advances so far. If you had to keep his number , and I can't think of a single earthly reason why you would , I would rename it something derogatory. Like waste of space . Or something shorter and blunter .

Hope you are ok, Starting. All this turmoil must be upsetting for you, and exhausting.

You ok honey?

Morning all,

Yesterday I found myself feeling GUILTY!?!? About being hard on him, he has since texted me to say the the OW was an alcholic and that all they did was drink (I knew it!), he said that he wants my forgiveness for what he has done and that he will do anything to come back home.He says that he loves me not her.He says that he has joined AA and wants to get himself well.

This has set me back, I find myself doubting my thinking,as those are the words I so wanted to hear a few weeks ago, just as I am pulling myself up, he hits me with this crapn he has hurt me so much and taken me rock bottom, why do I find myself feeling sorry for him?

Help please ladies!

You can forgive him if you like. Just so long as you don't take him back. Re-read your threads.

Why do you need to forgive him now. By him asking this of you now he making you feel guilty when you have nothing to feel guilty about.

Everything that has happened to him was done by him to himself all you did was love and pay for his lifestyle. Now you has you have closed his bank account to him, creating jobs for his business he has nothing. Again none of this is your problem.

Let him join AA himself if he wants to get himself let him do it and when he healthy and not drinking and in say a year or 2 when he is working and behaving like an adult paying his bills with his money then maybe think about.

But by then you will have bagged a millionaire with a yaght and be sailing the world.

Sorry your bank account.

Tell him to sort himself out, continue going to AA and when he has his own place, is financially independent and sober to let you know. Only then should you even think about being involved with him.

You have done so well, please don't let him set you back now. If you let him back in you are leaving yourself open for more of the same of what you have just had.

You can forgive him and move on with your life, it doesn't mean you have to take him back.

I have never been in this situation but from what i can tell (from on here) its incredibly hard to move on with the relationship because the trust is gone.

I would imagine you are feeling sorry for him because he wants you to. Just remember that he was trying to get money out of you at the same time as being on a dirty weekend with her.

And of course he wants to come back now, he has no home!

Also remember it was only a couple of weeks ago that he was insistent that he didn't love you any more. Why would that suddenly change . . . . Because he has no where to live!

Any guilt you may feel should more properly be directed to your failure to have told him weeks ago to get lost and stay lost, but it's never too late to remedy an error

You feel sorry for him because you've got a heart, but you need to remember that he doesn't have one and he'll see any kindness from you as weakness.

Of course he's doing the 'i've made the biggest mistake of my life, it's you I really love, I'll do anything if you take me back' crap speech because it's what twunts do. It's in their tediously predictable script, but you can rest assured that he doesn't mean a word of it - he's only saying it because he's temporarily on his uppers and needs a quick injection of cash to buy his next drink.

If you were to take him back you'll never have a moment's peace of mind again because if he's done it once, you'll live in fear that he'll do it twice. And he will.

Seriously, do you want the ow's tramp stamped cast off? Nah, I don't think so and, more to the point, your dm wouldn't want you to lower yourself to his level again.

Tell him he can have your forgiveness if he fucks off and leaves you alone, and then get on with your new life. The male equivalent of hot yachty totty is waiting for you to give them the once over and surely that's a more exciting prospect than entertaining a down and out penniless drunk?

Your self-esteem and your sense of self-worth are what enhances your personal integrity. If you compromise them, you'll never become all that you can be.

There's a permanent reminder of what he thinks of you on his hand and now it's your turn to give him the finger.

Another lurker creeping out - I have been following both of your threads and secretly cheering you on. Hope you won't take him back now.

All he has done in the last few months is dump you (but string it out by coming back repeatedly), try to bleed you dry and threaten to take more, gloat about being cosy with the OW when you had no-one, send you insulting remarks (fat) and finally he claims that he cares for you and "doesn't want to see you stuck".

You are blossoming now. You definitely don't need someone like him. Within ten minutes of his feet being back under your table he would be fleecing you once more and eroding your confidence.

Have a great new life - but not with him.

Starting all he wants is the security you provided. A roof over his head, money when he needed it. I really hope you can see what he's doing. All other tactics to get money have failed. He knows by making threats and begging for cash aren't going to work so his next attempt involves having you believe he loves you. He's desperate, manipulative and has no conscience. Please don't fall for this! x

Delurking to say by all means feel sorry for him , after reading this thread who wouldnt he is a very pitiable figure , but do not have him even in for a cup of tea never mind back in your life. Ever. Ever ever.

Starting he does not want you

Of course you feel guilty. This is exactly what he is aiming for.

He knows just like all of us you are a decent caring loving woman. He is playing you. He has known you for 15 years he knows how to get what he wants without giving back.

Go and re read your first thread. Then come and re read all of this one. Look at the vile texts he allowed the other woman to send you.

He does not want you

He wants -

A roof over his head
A shower
Money
Some doormat to do all the cooking and cleaning
Sex

Look at what you repeated from him in the last few days. He is willing to try again but wants to be single.

Stay strong. Trust all the wise ladies on this thread.

Letting him back in would be the easy option however your life would be miserable and he would be off after the next woman with money that looked at him without a thought or care for you.

He doesn't want you

Oh Starting you poor love.

I can understand why you feel guilty. As others have said it's because you have a heart but don't forget this is the next page of the script, I've made a terrible mistake, it's you I love, won't do it again, having a breakdown etc.
We saw it coming.

I fell for this, saw him through a breakdown, till a year later when he was well, he did it again. That's the next page of the script.

I would be so worried about him getting his hands on your money/house.

If you really can't bear to kick him into touch, and I know how hard that would be, insist he rents a room somewhere, sorts himself out, gets steady work then see how things are but don't let him back in or stop rebuilding your life.
As others said, reread your two threads to remind yourself of his behaviour.

Thinking of you. xx

PS if he had not had an argument with OW do you think he would be gracing you with his attention now or just asking/threatening for money?

Starting, it is your life and up to you to make any decision about it.

Men do get their timing wrong. This happened to me - the man came back and said to me the sort of things that if he'd said them just a bit earlier would have had me washing his feet with tears of gratitude and drying them with my hair, but by then I was sufficiently recovered to recognise him as a prick.

You have had many women giving you advice on this thread, among them a good number who have been through what you have. The thing is, everyone here is singing from the same hymn sheet and telling you to move on from this man.

Even after all he has done to you, you will still have some feelings for him - he might be a weak, selfish lush but he was your weak, selfish lush. But personally, I can't see a viable future for you together. He has come across very badly throughout all this. I am disgusted by the fact that his first thought is always of money. Does he even feel any shame at what he has put you through? Would he bother to put himself out to make amends to you? He seems incapable of being a man, and has no strength of character. All that is on your side. I think he will drag you down in life if you take him back.

Don't, whatever you do, make a hasty decision to have him back. You'd need a great deal of clear thought before you did that.

Whatever happens, don't be afraid of coming back on here and telling those who've posted. People might not agree with your decision, but they won't criticise you.

Also read some of the threads from those who have given their man a second chance and how hard they have found it to rebuild trust.

Every time he took the dog for a walk, went "to work", would you be sure where he was especially if OW was still living nearby.

When life settled down again, became a bit humdrum, a drinking partner plus clandestine sex would seem very attractive again.

But as Roxy said it is your life but do think very hard and not hastily.

This is a dangerous time. He wants the easy life back. How long would it be until he "suggested" you put his name on the deeds of the house I wonder! Please don't feel guilty. He did all this! If you feel the need to reply just text "I do forgive you & thank you for setting me free to have a successful productive future without you draining my energy & money. Good luck for the future". We're here to help you & stop you making the biggest mistake of your life honey.

Please understand that this man is a confirmed liar.

He didn't simply get up one day and decide to leave you.

He planned to leave you for the ow over a period of weeks or months, during which time he didn't have any problem looking you in the eye while he went from your bed to hers and back again.

He's tried intimidating, bullying, threatening, and now he's trying 'it's you I love', ostensibly to worm his way back in to your affections.

But, as you know he's a liar, how do you know whether what he's telling you now in relation to the ow is the truth?

For all you/we know, the ow may have taken herself to Ireland (if that's where she comes from) on a family matter (funeral/wedding or similar) and left him without funds.

I'm because it seems a tad unlikely that so very shortly after their 5* break, they have a big bust up. And if they did have a big bust up, why would she take herself off to Ireland? Why wouldn't she hit the bottle nurse her wounds in the comfort of her white-carpeted house?

I'm suspicious because, allegedly, she's employed and would most probably have taken annual leave to go on their 5* pre-honeymoon. They've only just got back and suddenly she's taking more time off? Would that be more annual leave so soon after her planned leave, or could it be compassionate leave for something entirely unconnected to their alleged break up?

I'm also suspicious about the tramp's stamp on his wedding finger. Could it be that the 5* break was, in fact, a honeymoon - albeit a short one with the promise of more to come once he's screwed more money out of you while she's off mourning a dgp or some such?

I wouldn't put anything past this man and neither should you, honey.

Any organisation that works with alcoholics or drug addicts will tell you that they need to hit rock bottom before they decide to get clean.

He's gone from life of Riley with you to rock bottom in, what, 4-5 weeks? I'm getting a distinct whiff of eau de cod.

I'm also suspicious about the tramp's stamp on his wedding finger. Could it be that the 5* break was, in fact, a honeymoon - albeit a short one with the promise of more to come once he's screwed more money out of you

This had crossed my mind too

I said before don't be surprised if they got married very fast!

This 5* break they went on - was it out of the UK?

starting I haven't read your thread for a while, because you were getting a lot of support

but really love, why are you still engaging with this fucking loser ? I am quite shocked and frankly, amazed

cut him out of your life

stop listening to his whining, haven't you learned anything from the way he has treated you ?

he is not to be trusted...you shouldn't even be having these kinds of conversations with him

I have lurked on your thread from the start but didn't have anything useful to add. Think of the way he has treated you, it has bee horrific.

The one way that you have been lucky is that he couldnt get your assets.

Imagine you take him back, you get married have a family, he slowly worms his way into your finances. Then 10 years down the line he does the same again.

Imagine going through this again, but this time you have to hand over half your assets to him.

He is a prize shit and not worth a second of your time.

Look the right and sensible thing to do is to cut him out of your life and Fuck him off forever. He is a sponging manipulative lowlife who has sucked the life out of you and left you high and dry. You know all of this.

BUT in my experience cutting all paths off forever can feel like too bigger step. If you can't do this then you must know that taking him back would do HIM no favours. If he is an alcoholic who wants to get well he needs to work on that. Working on a relationship too would ensure all round failure.

You have to be apart to sort both your lives out. You CANNOT do that together and neither of you have the capacity to fix your own lives and each other.

IF, and this is a massive IF, he were to mean what he is saying he will agree to go away for , say, 18 months, get clean and sorted and then re visit the situation. He says he is willing to do anything. Well that is what anything involves.