Starting Again, Moving Forward...Onwards and Upwards ! :)

[Startingagain88]

Following all your wonderful messages of love and support since my partner of 15yrs up and left for OW, my previous thread reached the 1000 post mark and so i'm starting this new thread with a more uplifting subject title!!

Its only three weeks in since EXDP left and so i know i have a long way to go...but slowly each day I'm feeling more positive and believing that my life can be wonderful without him!

Here's the link to my old thread -

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1421736-In-shock-cant-quite-believe-it-Long-Sorry

Don't hand the letters over to him return them all to sender as 'addressee has moved away' or call up all the companies and advise them he has moved. Last thing you want is them coming looking for him at your address for money. You are not his secretary he can get his mail readdressed.

Don't be surprised if OW is pregnant or they get engaged/married very very soon.

A good example of this is Dee34's thread!

If is not a comment on your/your relationship but more about proving to each other and the rest of the world that they were so right and special for each other that they just had to do it and couldn't help themselves. Plus for the idiot OW to protect her interests in the cheating scumbag she thinks is worth all this!

It is still so early for you, if you can find Dee's thread you will see how long it has taken her to detach!

You are doing really well, just take your time and look after yourself /hugs

Oh Starting, you poor love. I don't think there can be anyone on these boards who hasn't been where you are now and can empathise with you. You are going thro pure heartbreak and it takes a long long time to get over it. Mind you I am jealous that you have a lovely beach to go and cry on!

It doesn't matter how much you realise what a twunt he is and how badly he has treated you, you still have to work thro the stages of grief.

The only reason I am concentrating on ex and OW is because I sense that you are (understandably) still focussed on what you think is their idyllic life and happy ever after ending, not in any way to encourage you to ever aspire to take him back.

Just think, realistically, about the circumstances of their life. A relationship born out of lies and cheating --- I have no doubt that he has lied and lied about his circumstances and the 'wicked witch' he lived with who wants all his money.

But HE KNOWs in his heart that is wrong and I am sure that he is not only racked with guilt but already regretting what he has done.
But as someone said upthread re Dee, once they have done something so stupid they have to keep going so that they don't look even more stupid and have to admit they made a massive mistake.

And then!!! Possibly move to Ireland or Spain??!!! That old cliche!! I can't get much work in UK so I'll move to one of the worst basket cases in the Eurozone where unemployment is sky high and everything will be just fine and we'll live happily ever after!

If, God forbid, she should get pregnant his nightmare will be doubled, even more responsibility and the sole breadwinner!

Ye gods Starting, you are so well rid but I know you won't see it yet.

You have achieved so much already today, MOT and checking out Volunteering and tomorrow Bully will be back (I bet ex secretly misses him as well!)

Night night baby,, you have done so well today. xx

What a caring family we have on here starting!

Don't give yourself too many tasks just one step at a time, little steps.
Have you heard anything from the charity shop?

Oh starting cry into the wind , let it out it is great therapy for you! I bet you feel like somebody has punched you in the stomach and you feel sick to the core, but this is just a stage in the process, a painful time but just a stage.

Your Mr Darcy is out their, you just haven't met him yet. He is there waiting to sweep you off your feet and appreciate all your wonderful qualities.

Had a goodish day yesterday, but a shitty nights sleep last night keep waking up three five six am then woke at eight with an all consuming panic about money, getting a job and Ex hassling me about house.

Rang my brother, he got a bit arsey with me, saying that i need to focus on practical things, i told him i feel so alone and need help, he said he was trying to help but had his own problems and family etc that he was doing his best, he asked me to visit him at the weekend, but the dog is coming back today so i cant..also as we havent really seen each other that much over the last few years i feel funny about going to see his wife etc especially the state im in atm!

Really feel shit again this morning, applied for another job yesterday and had some feedback from the other interview i went to..... they still haven't finished interviewing but will have by the end of next week.....the guy who interviewed me left the message and said that i should 'hold fire' and he would speak to me next week after the last interview....sounds good but i cant rely on that!!

God i feel so alone...............I need some support............. :(

Going to see my counsellor today, which will help but its £40 a go!!, Unless i get a job soon, I'm going to have to knock that on the head!! :)

Xales, i could see him getting married to her soon, he proposed to me within months of meeting......it was me who didn't want to get married...thank god!!

Thermal, at the moment i feel like that i have lost everyone who i have ever loved and that is dreadful :( I have been through terrible grief twice but in a way this is more painful as i know my parents loved me and didn't want to leave me, he on the other hand has made a decision to go and wants to hurt me further!!

You're right he does know what he has done is wrong......last time i saw him he cried and apologised for what he had done, and he did seem genuine- however the OW does seem to have a strong hold on him and is probably making demands/ nagging him about 'his money', so then guilt goes out of the window!

RR30-i am trying to take on step at a time, but he has left me in such a shit position that i find it hard- i need to find a job, sort the house, make new friends, pay the bills oh and piece my heart back together :)

Oh starting I know you can't see it but the progress you have made is amazing. All this prep you are doing will pay off soon. A job, volunteer stuff, people on here, pink wellies. It will all suddenly come together. To to the gp and try to get referred for nhs councilling. Also take the anti ds its what they are there for!

Sorry you had such a bad night. It makes you feel as if you're starting the day at a disadvantage even before you get up.

It's true that men can be completely unempathetic. It does help to focus on practical things but you need emotional support, too. Don't read too much into his attitude, though - he probably just feels at a loss to know what to do to help you. Don't know what you mean about the state you're in - the mental state or your appearance? But don't let that stop you going to visit them. Even if you haven't seen him much in recent years, you're still his sister and he will care about you.

I'm always shocked when I hear how much counsellors charge - and it can be very hit and miss whether you get a good one. I take it yours is ok. One of my sisters had a breakdown, and not being short of a few quid she used one at The Priory. I remember her telling me that after a while her counsellor had said she was 92% back to her normal self. I was amused by the preciseness of this figure and said "See, that would have just been 90% on the NHS." She was not amused.

On the plus side, the weather is better today if you want a walk along the beach. I'll be walking along our cliff tops later - I'll think about you then!

sweetie, I always say that once your sleep is starting to go skew-whiff, that's the time to get on and take the ADs. You have been given a very low dose to start off with and you really can't lose. Do take them starting. yy you feel it's a risk but tbh to get into more and more of a pickle is much more of a risk. As Dee says, looking back she can see that it would have been a better move to take them in the face of unimaginable shock and heartache, just to get you through the savage initial stages.

Take this from one who has had a history of depression and recognises when things are dipping too low iyswim. I'm not saying you won't be alright in the long run - I definitely think you will (98 and 3/4 percent!) - but it's like going through agonising physical pain without analgesics, when they are so readily available and, yes, have contraindications but the majority are ok with them.

Sorry to go on. xx

Starting, I am so sorry you had a bad night. Problems do always seem magnified during the night.

Listen to the voices of experience on here and start to take the ADs. I can't speak personally but my ex P suffered from depression, refused to take anything until he had a breakdown. He then 'gave in' and took 20 mg Citalopram. It took a while for them to kick in but then he 'transformed' almost overnight.
Every drug, aspirin, paracetamol etc has a huge list of possible side effects just to cover themselves legally.

I would also try and get NHS counselling but at the moment I would think if your counsellor is good then she is worth the money.

It really doesn't sound as if it will be long before you do get a job.

Re: your brother, as RR said, men are not always very empathetic and find it hard to handle other people's emotions. Also you probably rang this morning (?) when he was pre-occupied with getting to work/kids to school etc.
I'm sure Bully won't mind being left for a while, after all he has also got his new found independence after going on his hols!
Now might be a good time to start building a relationship with your SIL and nieces/nephews. DB has probably not told her all the details about how you have been treated and I am sure she would give you a sympathetic ear and would understand if you cried.

I bet, after getting out to your counselling and Bully being home that you will feel a lot better by tonight.

Hi Starting,

Sorry to hear about rough night ? can you catch up on some sleep/rest during the day? 100% agree with post above about grief and working through this, it takes as long as it takes, so no need to rush through it. You have achieved so much already in a short space of time, keep taking those baby steps and it will all start building up bit by bit as you create your wonderful new life.

I agree with Xales about sudden, dramatic and grand gestures maybe coming out soon. This was mentioned by one or two wise MNs on my thread and I remember nerrvously thinking ?no way, if there is one thing I am sure-ish of, is that ex_idiot won?t want to be having a baby anytime soon now he has his freedom?. For some reason, I took solace in this, esp as I had half-?jokingly? said to ex that OW would be over here, married and preggers before the year was out ? which turned out to be the case. And agree with Xales that should this, or similar occur like a move away/overseas, then this is nothing to do with you/reflection on your relationship. It?s all about them and the need to fuel the grand love affair that just had to be and which was worth all the sacrifices they have made to be together. But, as with anything to do with them, think about the realities and not the dreamscape that they seem to have entered. Ignore his tears and any attempts to offload his troubles to you ? you are not his counsellor (and not an unpaid one at that). Don?t give too much weight to the whole ?OW has a hold? on him. I had this thought and think the complete opposite now. If he felt guilty/remorseful, he would get his act together and start to treat you in a much better way. I know couples where their ex?s have had affairs and in one case left, but he bent over backwards to make everything as easy as possible for his ex-wife and their kids??..they may be led by their trousers, but, there is always a choice IMHO...

Regarding post - my ex had his letters coming to our old house for 10 months after he moved out. The only reason they stopped was because we sold the house and he had no choice! Defo do return to sender or keep them in a pile and do a periodic dump. Don?t be expected to be managing his mail and affairs on a daily/weekly basis?..my ex once had a go at me as he had got a parking fine which had escalated to extra costs due to non-payment as he has obviously missed their reminders which has been coming to our old address. Apparently, I was not efficient enough in handing over his mail whenever it came in/he came to see our DS. You can imagine my reply! Honestly, these types of men (esp lazy arse ones) are looking for an easy life. They will do anything to get that easy life, including wanting to be friends with the cast away wife ? do they really want to be friends? I doubt it. I also doubt OW would be too happy about any friendships on that level, esp after the length of your relationship with your ex. It just makes things easy for them. So, he is not your friend ? now anyway ? so please don?t feel like you need to do anything for him as you would a real friend (so no answering emails, calling up/back, managing affairs/his paperwork/helping him out). Unlike a real friend, he wont thank you for it in the long-run/return in kind, but he will come back with more and more?..

I think Thermal has a point regarding some focus on your ex and OW, in terms of breaking down the nightmares of them off having a lovely time, whilst you are trying to recover from this awfulness. It is so easy to think that they are having the time of riley, but ? and again, took me a long time to get to this frame of mind, so don?t put pressure on yourself ? I seriously doubt it. Instead, it is most likely a relationship fuelled by pressure and hiding away of their real selves, padded out with OTT gestures. Imagine your ex's worst habits. Imagine them ever disagreeing or having an argument in the early days - so much pressure to pretend like everything is perfect and not voice any regrets to a soul (expect to the left behind ex-wife).....

A good thing my counselor told me when I was in the mire and dwelling over ex taking OW out for meals, spending nights in flash hotels, buying her this and that, was that I should cast my mind back and think about how my ex treated me in the beginning. And yep, he did all that for/with me (also can claim one who declared their undying love after a few months and was in a rush for commitment from day 1) and still treated me appallingly at the end. Not to gloat in anything down the line for OW/new wife, but more that it made me stop and realize that again, it was not me that was the problem, but ex?s actions were all driven by him.

As Thermal says, there will come a day when you can look back and think thank god you are now rid of him. It may slowly creep up on you or suddenly just dawn on you. Also seconding Thermal and Springys comments about A-Ds, though never took them and got myself to the brink of breakdown after breakdown with similar mess. Can you come off easily if they don?t agree with you?

Springy - timely reminder of that book! Bought a tear to my eye re-reading on here, but in a good way! Starting - there is a whole wonderful new life out there for you ? you are taking little ? but huge ? steps to get there. Keep going, am 100% positive you will be in a better place soon.

Take care,
Dx

I agree - such severe sleep & appetite disturbance are classic symptoms of depression. If your counsellor is any good at all she should be telling you to go back to your GP for NHS treatment.

Yes you can come off ad's easily if they don't agree with you - though they 'agree with' the vast majority. as you are starting off on a very low dose starting, it wouldn't be any problem to stop. Higher doses need a graded withdrawal over a period of time (there's a word for that but I can't remember what it is) . But that won't be necessary with 10mg.

You can't get much counselling on the NHS - usually 6 weeks, which imo is not good enough when you are facing a severe lifechange. You can ask your counsellor for a reduced rate starting, until you get a job. They are not offended to be asked and will tell you yay or nay with no bad feelings.

Great post Dee. Starting, you really should read Dee's thread, maybe you have, but it is a Masterclass in coping with heartbreak.

You are obviously still grieving for your parents as well as your relationship. You should be able to get Cruse counselling - have a look at their website.

Springy - you are so kind and helpful to so many people on here and I know you have your own problems. You were once very kind to me when I had a different name. Thank you.

Hope your day is going ok Starting xx

Only, thank you so much it doesnt feel that way though!

Roxy, DB admitted he didnt know what to say and that he was struggling, really what i want is for him to come and stay with me for a a week or two....keep me company and give me some support, but he has kids job etc so thats not going to happen! :(

Springy, ok you've convinced me ill take them- today- im scared but ill give them a go.....all i need is some mates really....but as i don't have any of them now the pills will have to do. :(

Thermal, Thank you!, Bully is now back but he didnt seem to want to come home (which upset me!!) where i live is very quite compared to where he has been staying for the last week....i think he misses the noise!! Im going to take him for a walk later....i love him so much but (i know its silly) i feel like he puts extra pressure on me because im not my normal happy self and he picks up on that and looks sad :(

well done starting [pat on back]. It's such a low dose I really don't think there will be problems tbh.

and don't worry about the dog being 'sad'! He'll settle down and get used to the status quo, even if it's you being listless and heartbroken for a while. He knows somebody's gone, so it's appropriate. Dogs aren't stupid (though they give a good approximation of it sometimes )

thanks Thermal - what a lovely thing to say.

You're welcome Springy!

Starting, I don't know if dogs are the same but whenever I left my two cats, they would "punish" me when I got back by ignoring me for a day, only deigning graciously to eat my food!

I'm sure Bully is delighted to be home really and at least you know now that you are able to leave him in kennels.

Hope the counselling was worthwhile.

Right everyone, ive taken my first tablet!! :) it took a lot for me to do it- but its done now! Took bully for a long walk beautiful evening here sun was shining and the birds singing, i have put a potato in the oven which i'm going to have with some salad...im actually feeling hungry... didn't have anything to eat last night :(

Dee, thank you so much for your post..... baby steps, baby steps ill try to remember! i completely agree re the post/ helping out thing, soon after he left i told him that i would be cancelling his direct debits from our account (now my account), he forgot and when i reminded him he hit the roof, i was being a bitch, trying to ruin his credit rating etc.......

When we first met my Ex flashed the cash, nothing was too much effort and yes it does annoy me that he is obviously doing that with her now.

I really hope the day when i can say i dont care what he does, where he is or who he is with will come sooner rather than later........ i want to stop hurting and start living!

Thermal, Bully seems to be ok now, he has had his extra log walk, his dinner, treats and kisses, and fussing he is now akip in his bed. Yes it is great to know that i can put him in kennels if i need to apparently he had a great time, and was playing with a little puppy pal for most of the time!

The counselling is ok....although i dont know whether im getting as much as i should from it...i will stick it out though......

Thank you everyone for your support and love over the last few days especially, i was feeling really really low, seem to be feeling better tonight,all your kind words have pulled me through and i think bully being back has helped!

Oh that's so good to hear Starting. Hope you have a much better night.
Good old bully! xx

soon after he left i told him that i would be cancelling his direct debits from our account (now my account), he forgot and when i reminded him he hit the roof, i was being a bitch, trying to ruin his credit rating etc.....

Wow he really does think you have MUG tattooed on your forehead!!!!

How would cancelling his DD ruin his credit rating he could have just set up new ones from his account using his money. No credit rating ruined in the slightest.

What he really meant was how dare you be sensible and not pay them from your account and your money even though he just dumped you and left for another woman (a bitch in his opinion in other words)!

Xales, exactly however he 'forgot' to set up the dd's from his account, but it was all my fault, because i was being so unreasonable!! :)

He probably didn't believe you would be so mean to him and really cancel them. Like I said he thinks you are a mug he could walk over. He would leave them running on your account taking your money as long as he could if you hadn't done this.

This is all you are to him a source of money. Not even a loan to be paid back. Just to take, take, take from.

Well done for doing that