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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Starting Again, Moving Forward...Onwards and Upwards ! :)

999 replies

Startingagain88 · 27/03/2012 14:33

Following all your wonderful messages of love and support since my partner of 15yrs up and left for OW, my previous thread reached the 1000 post mark and so i'm starting this new thread with a more uplifting subject title!!

Its only three weeks in since EXDP left and so i know i have a long way to go...but slowly each day I'm feeling more positive and believing that my life can be wonderful without him!

Here's the link to my old thread -

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1421736-In-shock-cant-quite-believe-it-Long-Sorry

OP posts:
only4tonight · 26/04/2012 08:29

Oh god rr30 what you say there rings so true. And for my own past too. Looking back I can see that I was always the one who had put 2 peoples worth of effort in. When it ended it wasn't because I wasn't good enough it was because he never had been.

captainmummy · 26/04/2012 08:32

Amen RR30.

Starting you need to print that post off and stick it on your fridge.

RoxyRobin · 26/04/2012 08:38

You're spot on, RR. I for one have harboured illusions about people because for one reason or another I desperately needed them to be the person I imagined them to be, despite all evidence to the contrary. Not just men, either - once I had a 'friendship' with a girl who was a back-stabbing user. I refused to see her faults because I really needed a friend at the time. Someone said to me "With friends like that who needs enemies?" and I furiously defended her. Then one day she went too far and even I couldn't deny she was a poisonous cow and I cut her out of my life.

Hope you managed to get some sleep, Starting - and that you can manage a little breakfast to keep your strength up. Perhaps some of ThePink's Weetabix? I like Oatibix myself. Hope you've got some multivitamins; no substitute for a balanced diet, blah, blah ... but needs must xx

Startingagain88 · 26/04/2012 09:23

Thank you Fidget, Bullys coming back on Friday :)

Dee, i do try to think about each day as it comes, but i am a planner and the worries for my future creep into my mind and i find myself panicking- its horrible.

Exactly, i still cannot believe how people can just cast aside someone who they say they have loved for so many years, i just don't understand it, thank you so much for you king words and thoughts it really helps to know that i have peoples support :)

OP posts:
Startingagain88 · 26/04/2012 09:44

RR30, Thank you so much for your wonderful post.....

Ex wasn't all bad, but he certainly took more than what he gave, i met him at a vulnerable time in my life i was young and my mother was dying of cancer, he supported me and gave me strength. We really should have parted when i found him kissing OW four months after my mum died, but i was in a very dark place then and i didn't have the strength.

We stuck together and my dad died soon after, we bought a small place in london and he did work at this point although he hated it and didn't earn very much, neither did i at the time, he did drink too much throughout our relationship, but he was there for me and we did everything together.

When we moved from London, he really stopped working and i took over all breadwinner role, he supported me in my work, but he really took his time doing DIY etc on the places where we lived, he enjoyed his lifestyle he had his freedom.

He was a good partner in other ways, we discussed everything together, he treated me with respect and kindness, we laughed together, he supported me when i was down, there was never any DA or EA. However i think that the recent change of me giving up work and the pressure of him having to become the breadwinner was hard for him (even though this is what he wanted), perhaps he just stayed with me for the lifestyle and once that changed he looked elsewhere, the woman that he is living with has her own house which is finished and he is not paying any bills at the moment...so he has no responsibilities there.

We both have our faults, but the bottom line is that i would have NEVER done to him what he has done to me, I thought he loved me enough to talk to me if he was having doubts about our relationship (we discussed everything else), but he chose to have the affair and leave me for the OW. Now i am in the way of his new life and he wants to dissolve himself of responsibility for the pain i am going through.....the last time i saw him in person he cried and said he was sorry for hurting me....... TBH i dont understand what has happened all i know is that he has nearly destroyed me and i am struggling to get my life back on track. You are right i clung to him, he made me feel loved and safe after i lost my mum and dad, so in many ways losing him is like losing my parents once again.x

OP posts:
Startingagain88 · 26/04/2012 09:49

I wanted him to be strong for me, but in fact he was weak....he wants an easy life, when the going gets tough like when my mum died he cheated, then he used drink as a crutch, he liked the fact that he didn't have to work and face real life, when this changed recently instead of facing his responsibilities he cheated and ran off leaving me will all the shit to clean up. He wasnt strong, i was! :) and i can be again!

OP posts:
Helltotheno · 26/04/2012 09:56

the woman that he is living with has her own house

Amazing the way he chooses women who have their own house and avoids anyone who'd have to depend on him for anything... This guy should be going round with a sign on his back saying 'Useless, freeloading loser'.

You don't see it now but you're actually really lucky to have shed this twunt. The time will come when you see that and realise you had a lucky escape.

I don't know if you do this already OP but exercise can make you feel a lot better in yourself. Is there a cycling or running group locally that you could join?

wiseoldowl · 26/04/2012 09:57

Hi Starting, your last paragraph struck so many chords with me. I agree, you think you are both in it together and it is the worst kind of betrayal when you find out the other half has shit on all your dreams to go off with OW (mine was a so called friend of 'ours').
You are doing well, it is early days. I agree with others, take ADs if you feel you need to (I haven't done so far ... & its been 11 months since my discovery, now divorced but finances yet to be settled so very stressful time).
I absolutely recommend going no contact with your Ex... I honestly do feel it is the only way you can regroup and build your strength. The 5* break should make you feel angry, channel that anger. He is absolutely NOT caring about you, his focus is the OW.
Build your strength & when his life goes to rats in anything from 6 months time, you can look back and laugh because you will be in a better place and all the stronger for the experience he has put you through. It just takes time... believe me I still get panic attacks and have duvet days even now.
You are going through the stages of grief & also (as I did) you have the time to examine the would have's,could have's, should have's... but the bottom line is that everybody has faults and he took the weak option & copped out.
Be strong Starting, you have so many MN friends behind you, who genuinely care for your welfare. Keep up the good work x

KirstyWirsty · 26/04/2012 10:00

Go Starting that's a bit more like it!!!

GrinGrinGrinGrinGrinGrinGrin

Startingagain88 · 26/04/2012 10:02

I wasnt perfect in this, i suppose i could be demanding of him, but that was born out of my frustration of him doing so little, i can be clingy and insecure, but he seemed to like this and we created a bubble around us.

What really cheeses me off is now that he is earning some money, he buggers off with someone else..... :( he knows im not working have got bills etc and he still wants money from me!

Managed to sleep ok, but the weather is still pretty crappy here..... trying to be positive though.... going to go out today and talk to some people!!. Haven't heard back from the other job yet...but tbh getting a job is the last of my worries atm, it was good i went to the interviews, but i think im putting to much pressure on myself to get a job, get the house done, make new friends, be happy etc. its only been 7 weeks!! i need a little more patience with myself!

OP posts:
Dee34 · 26/04/2012 10:14

Hi Starting

I also echo what RachyRach said, though not totally up to speed with all the details in your circumstances. My ex was a lazy so and so ? and to be honest, I let him get away with it as I pretty much accepted it and just consigned his behaviour as ?that?s just the way he is?. But, in extreme circumstances, he gave very clear indications of what he was like ? lazy, conflict avoider, self absorbed/interested ? e.g. we lived in a big house down a private road and for some reason our electrics kept tripping, cutting out the lights/TV etc which scared the wits out of me. This happened on numerous occasions and several times when I was home alone with our baby son whilst he was away on business. When I asked him to sort this out please he would say yes, yes he would look at it and never did (and if I dared mention it whilst he was away, his response was quite bluntly ?well, what do you want me to do about it??). In the end I had to say I would get an electrician in to fix it and funnily enough he then said, no, HE would get an electrician?..he didn?t and it dragged on, again. In the end, I did get an electrician in to do it and he was none the wiser. Same for getting an outdoor security light ? we didn?t have one, so I would be expected to drive down in the dark up to a dark house in the winter. He made all the right noises about agreeing to get one sorted but didn?t. And, yes, I accept that I could have saved myself a lot of bother and done all of this myself from the get-go (a lesson for me), but it?s that this is the person, who, if we had still been together now, I would have said he was such a nice man, so generous, so caring with a few, almost irrelevant flaws that I would have laughed off. The man who, when we first started dating used to hold open doors and would insist on walking on the road side of a pavement, write endless love letters was happy to ditch me for a two week fling who wrote him love letters telling him he was the best thing since sliced bread (whilst he of course forked out for meals, hotels and gifts ? saw his statements).

So a long winded way of saying that this may have been a lucky escape for you now as you still have many years ahead of happiness. Especially if there were subtle signs to indicate what your ex was made of. If that makes sense?!

Agree - my upset about what goes on when one person leaves for someone else they have been having an affair with is how (sometimes) the cheating ex can behave so appallingly. After 15 years in Starting?s case, would expect some decency or just plain ?niceness?. Fair enough, they can state that the love is gone, blah, blah, but how can you not be nice to someone you were in a relationship with for some time is astounding. Strangers were nicer to me than my ex, esp in the early days. It can drive you crazy though trying to understand or rationalize why they are acting this way, which is why the advice to detach and put some distance in place is so key for self-preservation (though I didn?t really do this to full effect until earlier this year). I drove myself up the wall and near crazy trying to understand why and how?.I rarely give my ex and his new wife and situation (they married super quick and are having a baby now) much thought unless he is being a pain over something ? proof that it does getter better with time. You will get there, promise!

Re planning ? I like to plan too and I remember the excellent advice given to me on here is similar to that above. Make plans and lists for the day/week/month ahead. But don?t put yourself under pressure or hold these plans/lists up as the be all and end all. I was advised to break down some of my pressures into bite size chunks and do a bit each day. So would make plans for my job search, plans for future training, future home ? some of thee things never happened, but plans are just to give some guidance and structure. How about also planning in some daily exercise? I used to walk loads as couldn?t afford gym and found ritual of getting out in the fresh air was good. Other things that may be useful ? plan in some time in the day when you can focus and process on what is/has happened, so maybe doing some meditation, or reading an inspirational book* or website. I think a biggie for me was planning time to sort out stuff in our old house. Though I did this in stages and do remember bouts early on when it was too much to do this as it would be upsetting.

Take care,

*A really good book that seems to capture the essence of what you may be going through is ?Runaway Husbands?. Will look up the author later as at work now so don?t have it to hand.

Dx

KirstyWirsty · 26/04/2012 10:15

You sound a million times better than ysterday - much more positive!

Good for you!

On thing at a time .. go meet people as you're in no rush for the job .. make the most of your time off .. Volunteering will give you something to do and also give you something positive to talk about at your interviews!

Startingagain88 · 26/04/2012 10:17

Hello, i know he seems to have landed on his feet again :) funny that, i don't think she earns very much though...so i'm sure she will want some money from him sooner or later.

Wise, sorry to hear that you are going through a tough time as well, these bastards just don't seem to give a crap about the pain they leave behind, its awful. I am very angry about the break, particularly as he called me on Monday saying he didn't have enough money to pay his phone bill- LIAR! I wish i could get to the point of feeling stronger sooner....i really want to move on!!! xxxxxxxx

OP posts:
Dee34 · 26/04/2012 10:18

Sorry - spent so long writing my post, missed the above in the last few minutes....

Agree with wiseoldowl about the grief process - forgot about that. Definitely give yourself time and space to process the grief and loss you are going for. Spot on.

Excellent advice from everyone above.

Take care,
Dx

springydaffs · 26/04/2012 11:52

c/o the lovely Dee, who posted this when she was in the thick of her nightmare:

Oh! The Places You?ll Go!
by the incomparable Dr. Seuss

Congratulations!
Today is your day.
You?re off to Great Places!
You?re off and away!

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself any direction you choose.
You?re on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the girl who?ll decide where to go.

You?ll look up and down streets. Look?em over with care. About some you will say, ?I don?t choose to go there.? With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet, you?re too smart to go down a not-so-good street.

And you may not find any you?ll want to go down. In that case, of course, you?ll head straight out of town. It?s opener there in the wide open air.

Out there things can happen and frequently do to people as brainy and footsy as you.

And when things start to happen, don?t worry. Don?t stew. Just go right along. You?ll start happening too.

Oh! The Places You?ll Go!

You?ll be on your way up!
You?ll be seeing great sights!
You?ll join the high fliers who soar to high heights.

You won?t lag behind, because you?ll have the speed. You?ll pass the whole gang and you?ll soon take the lead. Wherever you fly, you?ll be best of the best. Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

Except when you don?t.
Because, sometimes, you won?t.

I?m sorry to say so but, sadly, it?s true that Bang-ups and Hang-ups can happen to you.

You can get all hung up in a prickle-ly perch. And your gang will fly on. You?ll be left in a Lurch.

You?ll come down from the Lurch with an unpleasant bump. And the chances are, then, that you?ll be in a Slump.

And when you?re in a Slump, you?re not in for much fun. Un-slumping yourself is not easily done.

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked. Some windows are lighted. But mostly they?re darked. A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin! Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in? How much can you lose? How much can you win?

And if you go in, should you turn left or right?or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite? Or go around back and sneak in from behind? Simple it?s not, I?m afraid you will find, for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.

You can get so confused that you?ll start in to race down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space, headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.

The Waiting Place?for people just waiting.

Waiting for a train to go or a bus to come, or a plane to go or the mail to come, or the rain to go or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow or waiting around for a Yes or No or waiting for their hair to grow. Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite or waiting for wind to fly a kite or waiting around for Friday night or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake or a pot to boil, or a Better Break or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants or a wig with curls, or Another Chance. Everyone is just waiting.

No! That?s not for you!
Somehow you?ll escape all that waiting and staying. You?ll find the bright places where Boom Bands are playing. With banner flip-flapping, once more you?ll ride high! Ready for anything under the sky. Ready because you?re that kind of a girl!

Oh, the places you?ll go! There is fun to be done! There are points to be scored. There are games to be won. And the magical things you can do with that ball will make you the winning-est winner of all. Fame! You?ll be famous as famous can be, with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.

Except when they don?t. Because, sometimes, they won?t.

I?m afraid that some times you?ll play lonely games too. Games you can?t win ?cause you?ll play against you.

All Alone!
Whether you like it or not, Alone will be something you?ll be quite a lot.

And when you?re alone, there?s a very good chance you?ll meet things that scare you right out of your pants. There are some, down the road between hither and yon, that can scare you so much you won?t want to go on.

But on you will go though the weather be foul. On you will go though your enemies prowl. On you will go though the Hakken-Kraks howl. Onward up many a frightening creek, though your arms may get sore and your sneakers may leak. On and on you will hike. And I know you?ll hike far and face up to your problems whatever they are.

You?ll get mixed up, of course, as you already know. You?ll get mixed up with many strange birds as you go. So be sure when you step. Step with care and great tact and remember that Life?s a Great Balancing Act. Just never forget to be dexterous and deft. And never mix up your right foot with your left.

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and ¾ percent guaranteed.)

Kid, you?ll move mountains!
So?be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray or Mordecai Ale Van Allen O?Shea, you?re off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So?get on your way!

KirstyWirsty · 26/04/2012 11:59

I LOVE THAT

Thanks springy

Startingagain88 · 26/04/2012 12:01

Dee, i know exactly how you feel ex used to drag things out and be so slow over doing anything.........he also treated me well for many years only to be dropped and forgotten about like what we had never existed.... What you say makes complete sense...i definitely took the pressure off him and never wanted to see him unhappy, that's quite a lot of weight to carry....perhaps i thought if i didn't do that he wouldn't love me any more, and i was right!

Same thing with me re strangers, everyone has been so kind and understanding even phone, utilities people telling me that they have been through the same thing it takes time etc..... all i get from ex is that i 'need to get over it' and 'move on'.

I find that i try to take on too much at once and it is overwhelming, its my nature to do this.... i will listen to you wonderful advice Dee and start trying to break things down into more manageable tasks, i was doing this at the start but i seem to have lost my way a bit over the last couple of weeks!

OP posts:
Startingagain88 · 26/04/2012 12:08

Springy & Dee, that is wonderful!, made me cry again :) but how uplifting......now THAT i am going to print out and put on my fridge!! XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Kirsty, im am feeling a bit more positive today :) .... going to force myself to go out and meet new people!

OP posts:
Thermalsocks · 26/04/2012 12:17

Hi Starting. Glad you slept ok and you are definitely sounding brighter today. I think when you first come back from having spent a few days with company, it always hits you hard to be back on your own.

I'm not so sure that he has landed on his feet again. You already seem very perceptive re ex in that you are aware that he was probably scared off by the responsibility of having to be the main breadwinner and possibly a father but you were doing an awful lot still in setting up and running his business.

Where is this woman getting her money from? You said she was some sort of carer? Therefore prob minimum wage? Where is her finished house from? A previous divorce? I doubt he will be able to carry on living there for long rent free. She is probably waiting for the "huge settlement" from you that he has promised her. Well she can wait on! I bet the 5* holiday was a little sweetener because she was getting fed up of waiting! Hence the 'charming' threatening texts from her.

You said he was now earning and I know you have some access still to the business but how much do you think he is earning and realistically how long for?
It doesn't sound as if he is properly qualified (?) and there is a heck of a lot of competition in his field. And if he works so slowly and is basically bone idle word will soon spread. I doubt OW will be anywhere near capable enough of supporting him in this and he will already have realised that.

Does she have kids? Or will she soon be pressuring him to have a baby?

Anyway I can thoroughly recommend joining a walking group. There will be lots in your local paper or Google for your postcode. There are always some that are for singles as well. But it is a lovely easy way to be sociable and chat while walking.
Hope you have a better day Starting xx

southlundon · 26/04/2012 13:52

Afternoon, Starting.

Although I cannot even begin to match the awesomeness of that Dr Seuss post above, I was listening to a bit of Whitney yesterday (RIP and all that) and these lyrics made me think of you! Blush

^I decided long ago, never to walk in anyone's shadows.
If I fail, if I succeed, at least I'll live as I believe. No matter what they take from me, they can't take away my dignity^

Startingagain88 · 26/04/2012 19:09

Thermal, yes it really did, i so enjoyed my time with pinkwellies, but i have to come back to normality some time!

Apparently the OW is a carer, i don't know where she got her house from, he told me that he isn't giving her any money at the moment (this might be lies as well) from one of the texts she sent, she made reference to divorce so perhaps that is where she got some money from! I get the impression that he has told her a load of crap to impress her re his business and he's probably told her that he is entitled to half the house. He's also probably told her that i am a witch and i didn't work etc...........

He has been working pretty much solidly over the last two months...but these are all jobs which i was involved in setting up for him.....no doubt he will be able to get some work over the summer as that is the busy time, but autumn/winter is quiet...... so he needs to manage that as well...... ive no doubt that he will get by and if she has money he wont mind taking it off her!! I dont think he has told his credit cards, car loan etc his new details as i have received letters today which i think are from them (i can tell by the envelope), i have a hunch that he is trying to get as much money together as possible, hassling me, probably all cash in hand jobs etc to leave the country, OW is from Ireland and her brother lives in spain so they have options. He hasnt said that their plan but is just a feeling i have, he seems to want to run away from everything so that would be very appealing to him!

She doesnt have kids, but she is 34 and i presume that she will want them sooner rather than later....this will scare the shit out of him! Or perhaps he loves her so much that they will be married with kids in a few years!

OP posts:
Startingagain88 · 26/04/2012 19:17

Oh south, Thank you that is lovely :)

I went to get my car MOT'd earlier, crapping myself as this is something Ex would normally do...it was fine :)

Then went to local place which organises volunteering.....getting in contact with a few befriending the elderly, another at a lunch club and one working with people with learning disabilities.

As i pulled into my road i didn't want to go home, so i took a walk on the beach instead, the sun was shining there was a lovely breeze across the sea, and i just wept and wept, i cried out to him 'how could you do this to me' ' Why didnt you love me enough?' i know that in the great scheme of human suffering my problems are so small, so why do they seem so huge to me.....? I so want to get over what that bastard has done to me and move forward, i just wish that i had some more people around me to hold me up while i gain my strength :(

OP posts:
Oogaballoo · 26/04/2012 19:21

Some of our greatest literature, art, film, music and more is about heartbreak. It is one of the biggest hurts, a form of grief that knocks us down until we can build ourselves back up. It may seem small in the great scheme but it's okay to feel it and to feel it hugely! You can't force it to stop, sadly :( You can only continue life and slowly it will ebb away.

RoxyRobin · 26/04/2012 19:21

He won't be able to get any work in Ireland or Spain! Younger people are leaving those countries in droves because there's nothing for them.

RoxyRobin · 26/04/2012 19:23

Well done for the MOT, btw.

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