Starting Again, Moving Forward...Onwards and Upwards ! :)

[Startingagain88]

Following all your wonderful messages of love and support since my partner of 15yrs up and left for OW, my previous thread reached the 1000 post mark and so i'm starting this new thread with a more uplifting subject title!!

Its only three weeks in since EXDP left and so i know i have a long way to go...but slowly each day I'm feeling more positive and believing that my life can be wonderful without him!

Here's the link to my old thread -

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1421736-In-shock-cant-quite-believe-it-Long-Sorry

You ladies are so wonderful offering me your support and love, where would i be without you........today is a bad day...its the first day i haven't really got out of bed.

I think him going away with the OW has hit me harder than i thought, the idea of him having fun when the woman he loved for many years is suffering is repugnant to me, i really cant understand how he can do it :(

I am scared of the AD's...........

RR30, you really seem to understand how i am feeling, this is a big dip and i feel like shit, and the really bad weather here atm seems to have made it worse, my internet connection is on and off atm (cos of the bad weather i think and my landline is working properly at least ex cant call!!)

Tonight i am going to make myself something to eat and watch a funny dvd, I really could do with a laugh.....hopefully that will help. Get a good nights sleep then tomorrow is a new day.....lets see if it can be a more positive one (fingers crossed) x

Delurking because I think I finally have something useful to say.

I've been on and off citalopram for years - 10mg is is the lowest dose, it may be necessary to go higher, or it may be fine.

Sorry to put it this way but it's my way of looking at it - if you broke your leg, you would put a cast on, and if you had bad blood pressure, you would take the tablets. ADs have their purpose. If you had a broken leg, you would do the physio and do all the right things to reduce the blood pressure, so you do all you can to improve your mental state while the citalopram helps you out. end of hobby horse rant, just my opinion.

If you are still listening the first week to ten days of citalopram can be yeurk. I usually start in at 20mg, so you may have milder symptoms, but you can feel queasy, light headed, disorientated, and rubbish. And then your body adjusts and the meds start helping. It doesn't make you into a zombie or stops you thinking, but it sort of takes the edges of the more extreme emotions. You don't get the same highs but you don't get the same lows. It gets you moving along when you need to keep going and you are having a normal, human reaction to a very difficult time. If you do have side effects (not everyone does) and they last for more than a fortnight, go back and ask for a different set of meds.

It is easy to be scared of them, they are a medicine that can affect how you feel and how you look at the world, and that is a scary thought. If you can get them taken, though, they could be really useful and at the same time you can be researching other ways to help your mental health (including avoiding as much as possibly your slimy ex).

Wishing you loads of luck.

Hey Starting - sorry to hear you're feeling really rubbish today :( Listen to the others though - they have solid advice about the ADs. I can't comment because (thank goodness) I've never been in a situation where I might need them but they exist for a reason and so many people take them safely across the world that they must work. I've heard it said by RL friends too that it can take a few weeks to kick in so do think about starting them now.

Re: the shitty weather, I know you're not in a place where you can afford a nice break in the sun right now but perhaps you can have a look online/at brochures and pick somewhere to dream about for when you sell your house and are free to spend whatever equity you want to! South of France? Italy? A nice Greek island a la Shirley Valentine?!

If you're really against starting Citalopram would you consider St John's Wort (high dose is best)? My DH can't function without it in grey months when he suffers from SAD. Only thing to note is it can affect the contraceptive pill so when you are ready to find a new gorgeous lovely bloke to worship you, be careful unless you want a baby!

Thanks all for advice, i am worried about the first week or so on the AD's as i feel shit enough as it is... i don't want to feel any worse! The StJW might be a good idea for me...ill pick some up tomorrow....

Still feeling very lonely and sad tonight..... jesus i just want these feelings to go away.... :( I need some more friends.....easier said than done! Im going to sign up at a local volunteering bureau tomorrow.....if i get out of bed!

There's an organisation called Spice which is a social group with loads of regular activities all over the west midlands. There must be something similar in the south east. Volunteering at a homeless shelter or YMCA was a way a friend of mine made loads of new friends after a break up. But it's really early days hun & it's going to take time for you to want to emerge from under the duvet.

It's either one or the other with regards to the St Johns Wort/ADs.

at shares in Weetabix. Wholewheat, low sugar, slips down easily - what's not to like?

My other standby is a bacon and tomato sarnie.

Oh Starting, I feel so much for you. It really is very early days for you and I know you don't believe it yet but you have already achieved so much.

For starters you have done amazingly well to have had TWO job interviews and you will have learned such a lot from them.

Another one here who is still steaming at Twunt and the OW and her hideous white carpets.

Now re the 5* hotel break, please stop thinking how romantic it will all be. I suspect the honeymoon period for these two will be rapidly coming to an end.
How much more romantic, a little cottage would have been, rather than a pretentious 5* hotel where they will have to pay thro the nose for everything.
He will be shitting himself about paying for it all and he will be under pressure to continue such expensive breaks.

He will no doubt have 'wooed' her by spinning such a tale of his share in a house, his successful business, and no doubt the mad ex who won't play fair.

Do you really really think that if he really thought he had a chance with a claim on you, that he would not have already done something about it?
Wonder what happened with the shit hot divorce lawyer he was doing some work for? Went very quiet there!!

As you are on the south coast could you take in foreign language students? Or maybe advertise for a "professional lady" to lodge with you.

I really wish I could come and mother you a bit (I'm old enough!), tuck you up in front of the telly under a duvet and cook your favourite comfort foods.
Take care Starting.

Thermal, your post made me cry thats exactly what i need my mum, i need someone to tell me everything will be ok, that ill find a job, that i will love again,that i am a worthwhile person and to make sure i eat, i so desperately miss my mum now i was only 22 when she died, i wish she was here to hold my hand, i would give anything for just a few minutes of her love and care right now.

Thermal, thank you for your anger on my behalf......! I thought that myself, that if he really thought he could get any money out of me i would have got a letter by now....

I still need to get the house sorted a bit more before i could take in a lodger but i am considering that for the company more than the money!!

Oh Starting sweetheart, I'm sorry I made you cry but I can tell that is what you needed and how much you must miss your mum. She would be so so proud of you and your resilience.

I am holding your hand and telling you that there is absolutely no doubt that you will find a job and very soon too. It is easy to tell that you are not only a very empathetic, likeable young lady but you have huge talents. I was already in awe of what you had done in regards to Twunt's business, all the skills you had used as well as having had what sounded like a very high powered job.

Once you get a job, I think the rest will fall into place, a social life, friends and potential love interests.

Meanwhile, have you thought about something like joining a church or the WI where there will be lots of motherly types who would just love to fuss over a lovely young lady like you --and of course they have sons and daughters!

I would love to fuss over you in person but inthe meantime am sending you love and hugs and some home cooked food.
Take care baby.

Thermal, thank you so much for your lovely post...you got me crying again!! Thank you for holding my hand, that is so what i need right now.

The job issue is not something i need to worry about straight away, but i felt i needed to get out there again, my confidence is so low you see, its hard to put yourself in a situation where you may be rejected again, i needed to do it now, even though i probably wasnt ready, so i didn't build it up too much in my mind.

I was raised RC but i am very much lapsed!!.. however yesterday i did drive to my local church where they have a statue of our lady outside and i literally cried my eyes out to her, it helped!! I'm looking into volunteering etc tomorrow and hopefully will make some friends there.

I've just had some beans on toast and ate every last one, i needed something to eat!!

Night night lovely. You are such a beautiful person I know good things will come your way soon

Night Midwife, thank you so much for your support today xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hope you get a good sleep tonight, Starting. And as my old mum used to say, "It's always darkest before the dawn" (no 137 of her cliches!). You're in a dreadful, dark place now, but there will be light again. Have faith xxx

Thank you for your kind words Starting. I think everyone on here would love to be able to help you in RL.
Yumm. Beans on toast, perfect, well done!

I think you have probably had enough to take in for one day but I think you are very wise to keep taking baby steps and not jump into new things too quickly. Keep putting out feelers and testing the waters and you will fall on your feet.

I hope you get some sleep tonight. Night night baby.

Roxy, i'll try to sleep, im looking for that light, i wish it would hurry up!!

Thermal- thank you.... i want to take things slowly for now, its all i can manage! Hopefully ill get some rest tonight...last night i woke five times in the night xxxxxx

Many years ago, I was in a similar place to you. My DP of 10 years suddenly dumped me the day after his birthday. I was rigid with shock. 13 months later, I had a new DP, 13 months after that we got married and 13 months after that, DS1 was born..... On the 13th!

You never know what is awaiting you around the next corner of your life. I am sure that in a few months or years, you will look back and thank your exDP for ending this relationship, because you will have a much better life. That life is starting right now and just around the corner is..... It's coming, it's almost here...... A wonderful future for you x

Haven't read original post so apologies if I recap or misunderstand something in your situation....

I am recently seperated too, my husband and father of our 2 children, in the middle of a break up, I say middle as it was I who finally said I was not putting up with his rubbish anymore, went home, he who said that he still loved me, that it was all coming from me, and then found texts on his phone to find that inbetween his visits and us getting on again, finding middle ground and he being in my bed he'd been dating someone else! I felt an ice knife rip through me..... how could the father of my children, my husband of 7 years be so disrespectful to me, so hurtful, so damn selfish and dishonest.

We are struggling to sort maintenance at the mo.

Like you each day is a step forward and just when you think you (I am) are making progress he contacts. And its like 2 steps back. Your heart is ripped back open. It's shit on the grandest scale.

People keep telling me it will get better, and much like grief I knwo they mean well, but it doesn't cease the pain. The hurt, the embarrassment, the humiliation, the sense of worthlessness.

But above all.... its his loss. We WILL be stronger for it and given time we will see light at the end of the tunnel (and so I keep telling myself), and when we do, they will be a mear spec on the underneath of a dirty shoe of nothingness.

Keep the strength - know that your not alone, and together we will get there. x x x much love.

GWTFC, what a wonderful story....it gives me hope :) I wish i could see into my future a year or two from now and see how things have moved on at the moment i feel stuck....not moving forward and cant go back!

Redhead, what a selfish bastard, what has happened to us has really shaken my faith in human nature, men who said they loved us and would never hurt us, go on to betray us in the most awful way possible, your case is worse as you have two children whom he also betrayed...... i just don't understand it.

Yes the contact is the worst thing, or finding out some new information...its rakes up all the hurt and pain once again. The pain and sense of worthlessness is dreadful and knowing that someone who you loved and probably do still love to some extent has been the cause of this is horrible.

You are so right Redhead, we will get there together in the end- unfortunately there is no easy way round this pain, we have to work through it.

Thinking of you and your children xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Starting, just hold on to the fact that not all men are like this. If you read MN a lot, it must seem like it. But of course people tend not to post about happy relationships. DH and I have been married for 24 years and I have never worried about his fidelity.

I just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you and sending lots of hugs. I hope you feel a bit brighter tomorrow and can go and explore those volunteering opportunities. Also, I imagine it will be nice to have bully home for some cuddles.
Take care x

Hi Starting - am still reading through your original thread, but wanted to add my support and encouragement to you in this horrible time. As has been said with the spot-on advice up-thread, you are doing so well. Definitely take each day as it comes - I know easier said than done, but that day will come when you are once more on top of the world and things seem a whole lot brighter. It sucks getting there, I know, but as Gurl and other have said, there is a much happier future out there waiting for you when you are ready.

Having been in similar circumstance, I think limited, if not zero, contact is the way to go. Break free from him/them. I also second/triple the idea of them off having a lovely time - it's all superficial stuff fuelled by grand gestures. Ignore if you can, though easier said than done I know.

Re anti-d's......I never took any whilst I was going through my own 'stuff', due to similar fears you have also mentioned, but, on reflection, wish I had, especially as a couple of close friends have been on citalopram and managed to ease themselves off it as and when needed (I was also fearful that I would become reliant on them, find it hard to come off etc). Instead, I relied on therapy, St Johns Wort, Bach and Kalms, but as said, I think if I had to live through that period again, I would have gotten that prescription filled to make my life a bit easier (but that's just me).

I am seriously pissed off that people can continue to do this - esp in very long term relationships - and seemingly not give a toss about the person left behind.

You are doing wonderfully well and thinking of you.

Take care, Dx

I'm up cannot sleep, what dee just said struck a chord with me about the person in a long term relationship who acts so disgustingly and then doesnt appear to give a toss about the partner left behind.

It made me think the writing was always on the wall with this guy. Starting did everything in this relationship he didn't do a thing. He took she gave. She ended up being the mother figure, mothering him. He couldn't even be bothered to do one job eg the loft. It went on for years and is still not finished. Starting had to do the housework, sort him a job, sort him out a business, sort out all finances and household bills, Pay for him and the list goes on.... What did he do for her? This to me has been a lightbulb moment really. In 15 years what has he given to this relationship? He already showed his true colours at the beginning when he cheated on her and since then has done nothing but take, whilst she gave. Then goes and cheats again. He has been a freeloader for the last 15 years, an illusion to starting as she wanted someone to love and care for clung to him because of losing her parents etc.

Starting yes you did a good job, but what did he give you? What did he give back?

It's no surprise now that he can act the way he is, he never had a concience when he was freeloading and taking all what he could and i dont just mean money. So why would he have a concience now? I think you dismissed how he was and how he treated you as you didn't want to be on your own, but really he didn't give much to this relationship. You tried to see the best in him because you didn't want to be on your own. He could never have the love and kindness that you have. He wOnt have it for any other woman either, he loves himself too much quite frankly and is selfish beyond words, that's who he is. Funny how we can be so blind to how we are being treated when your in the thick of things.

So to what dee said after thinking about it its no surprise he has acted this way, because he isn't a nice guy to begin with, all you can expect of him is what you are seeing now.

Big motherly hugs