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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Starting Again, Moving Forward...Onwards and Upwards ! :)

999 replies

Startingagain88 · 27/03/2012 14:33

Following all your wonderful messages of love and support since my partner of 15yrs up and left for OW, my previous thread reached the 1000 post mark and so i'm starting this new thread with a more uplifting subject title!!

Its only three weeks in since EXDP left and so i know i have a long way to go...but slowly each day I'm feeling more positive and believing that my life can be wonderful without him!

Here's the link to my old thread -

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1421736-In-shock-cant-quite-believe-it-Long-Sorry

OP posts:
captainmummy · 25/04/2012 10:29

At least you have managed to get back into the bed - i know you were on the sofa for a long time...

fedupofnamechanging · 25/04/2012 10:29

We are all here, Starting, and thinking of you and sending you all our good wishes and support.

I know this seems a long way off, but one day you will be happy again and will be sooo glad that this 'man' is no longer a part of your life.

Original poster
Startingagain88 · 25/04/2012 10:32

Captain, we were a couple but it was me with the money and earning power and he took full advantage of that, he has manipulated me into thinking that he will take everything i have worked for and i am petrified of that because i am alone.

Today i feel like i cant cope and just want all this to end. I feel like ive had enough :(

OP posts:
springydaffs · 25/04/2012 10:35

When you get a job (that's when starting!) you won't have so much time to think. You will gradually build your life.

I was very shocked to hear about the photo/s he sent you. Frightening (have you logged this with the police?). He's doing a number on your head - it's working, in that you feel paranoid, that he knows everything about you, that he knows what is happening to you when he is not there...

HE DOESN'T KNOW.

Broaden your vision: see where you want to be in, say, 2 years time - focus on that. Try not to focus on the present, the loneliness, etc. You won't be able to help it at times, but balance it out by focusing on the future too. YOur confidence is bound to be flattened at the moment but what he has done is no reflection on you . It has nothing to do with you, I hope you can see that.

You've got a lot of support here - not just many good wishes from many posters but specific and concrete support (eg legal). You will get through this sweetheart. Keep going.

only4tonight · 25/04/2012 10:44

Sign today off to tea, cake, duvet and Shit tv (glee or something else pointlessly bouncy would be my choice). You are so strong and have achieved so much you can allow yourself 1 wallow day and try again tomorrow.

springydaffs · 25/04/2012 10:48

and have a nice day in bed! Try not to take your feelings too seriously, let them roll through, distance yourself from them. See yourself as a woman on a bed who has had something really horrible happen to her, give her a hug... then put the telly on. Disney does it for me when times are super crap

ADs can make you go through a bit of a dip when they're gearing up to kick in, so bear that in mind. It doesn't last long - don't take your feelings seriously xxx

fedupofnamechanging · 25/04/2012 10:48

Turn your phone off, lovely. You are in no state to deal with unexpected phone calls from him today. You can check your messages (re the jobs) later.

I think that when you are on your own it's easy to build up all your fears to mammoth proportions in your mind, but we are 'outside'of your situation and can maybe see things a little more clearly than you (please don't be offended by that). We all think that you need to sit tight. As hard as it is, the very best thing you could do wrt him is nothing. Don't let him have access to you because he is just yanking your chain in the hope you'll throw money at him.

If I was you, I would try to get out and about today - I know the weather is horrible, but I think you will just stew on this if you stay at home all day. Look after yourself x

Wrongbow · 25/04/2012 11:07

I hate this c*nt of a man and his bitch of an OW soooooo much Angry

I have everything crossed for a job offer for you and that your sorrow turns into anger very soon! x

RoxyRobin · 25/04/2012 11:14

Look, Starting, I know you hadn't wanted to take ADs, but now that your GP has prescribed them it would be a good idea to stick with them for a bit. I don't know if you've started taking them yet, but from what I've heard it takes a little while (1-2 weeks? - I've no personal experience) for the effect to kick in. Once it has I'm sure you'll stop feeling so desperate - just hang on in there.

I must say I'm not surprised in the least by your ex's behaviour - it was only a matter of time before pound signs appeared in his eyes. I know it seems unbelievable that fifteen years of love and intimacy can suddenly evaporate; it obviously hasn't for you, despite his shabby treatment. By rights he should have the grace to leave you to heal - but after depriving you of his love he's now trying to deprive you of your cash. There are so many of us on here who are sending hate-waves to him, he must surely be feeling them!

Can only join in with the chorus - Don't offer him any money whatsoever!

Original poster
Startingagain88 · 25/04/2012 11:19

He is away with the OW- in a five star hotel !-until Sunday so hopefully i should have some peace over the next few days....... had two messages this morning about other jobs but dot feel in the right frame of mind to call back :(

Springy, thank you so much! My confidence is on the floor atm, normally i would do an interview with no problems at all, last week i was in a complete panic about even going, and i dont think i performed that well talked too much etc....im dreading the further rejection of a no, Ive never been refused a job before! I have the AD's but haven't taken them yet....im worried about their effects!

Only, im still in bed cant seem to get myself up, weather isnt helping its awful here at the moment.......perhaps i will just stay here today!

Karma, that is so true, when i stayed with pinkwellies for a few days i still felt sad etc...but it didnt feel so overwhelming as i wasnt alone. I completely understand that i am atm unable to see things clearly as i am am gripped by fear and panic, i just wish i could get some clarity.

OP posts:
Original poster
Startingagain88 · 25/04/2012 11:25

Wrongbow, thank you so much for getting angry for me, perhaps in time some of that will rub off!!

Roxy, i havent started taking the AD's yet they are downstairs on the kitchen table :( It does seem totally unbelievable to me that after all that time he can hurt me again and again.....he knows that i am suffering and he doesnt care, my love is slowly turning to hate.

OP posts:
fedupofnamechanging · 25/04/2012 11:28

we are here, to give you that clarity, for as long as you need us

Original poster
Startingagain88 · 25/04/2012 11:41

Thank you karma, everything just feels so crap atm, i feel like im wilting away, while he is having fun, living his life, planning his future.

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Original poster
Startingagain88 · 25/04/2012 11:43

He just didnt love me enough, did he :(

OP posts:
springydaffs · 25/04/2012 11:48

He's a shit who wasn't worthy of your love, to be more exact.

ADs are amazing, one of life's modern day miracles imo. I also heard it said the other day that emotional pain and physical pain light up in the same place in the brain hopes I've got science right and that painkillers can be a good short term remedy for intense emotional pain.

At least try to turn all that thinking off starting. Distract yourself any which way. Take Kalms too - very good for doing what it says on the tin. xx

RoxyRobin · 25/04/2012 11:51

I know there is no substitute for the physical presence of someone who supports you, but there are a whole bunch of women on here who will try their best to see you through this difficult time - there'll always be someone to answer you.

I live far away on the North-East coast, but if I was anywhere near you I'd be round like a shot - you'd be glad to get rid of me in the end!

It's lovely and sunny here at the mo, but the grim weather you're having will have crept up here by this afternoon. It doesn't help to have your mood reflected back at you when you look out of the window, but the weather - and eventually your state of mind - will improve.

springydaffs · 25/04/2012 11:56

On horrid weather days when I'm going through it and can only stay in bed.. I put the lamps on and make it lovely and cosy, get the telly on, mags/books on the bed, doze on and off...

Give yourself a day off from being super coping woman. You're allowed Wink

Doha · 25/04/2012 12:02

I just have a wee feeling that the OW thought he had more money than he has. He will be trying to impress her anad probably will show him ethe door stay strong Starting -you are not alone, are you on FB?
If so you could FB chat some of us MNers who are a bit away from you for some virtual company.

captainmummy · 25/04/2012 12:17

No Starting he didn't love you enough. Was happy to take your accommodation and money and support tho.

I think he's trying to convince OW he is a better catch than he really is, hence the 5* break etc. She sounds high maintenance, he will be squirming soon enough with her, but that is nothing to do with you.

You do know that you are no longer in ANY sort of relationship with him? That you do not need to talk to him and more than to anyone else on the street. You will probably never see him again. That's harsh, isn't it. But you do KNOW that?

You will probably never see him again.

Original poster
Startingagain88 · 25/04/2012 12:58

Captain, that is a harsh reality, i suppose id always hoped we could be friends, the thought of never seeing him again hurts me dreadfully stupid i know.......

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RoxyRobin · 25/04/2012 13:21

He'll never be your friend. How could he be even if he wanted to? The OW would never countenance that. And it would be the worst thing possible for you. It would stop you getting on with living your life as you should be.

And once he'd got the money he wants out of you, you wouldn't see him for dust. He might feel a smidgeon of guilt about it all, but that's even more reason to keep away from you - people hate being reminded of their shitty behaviour.

Every time he contacts you he opens up your wounds. Avoid him. You are very low at the moment but you have to believe what everyone on here who has experienced heartbreak like yours has told you - it always gets better. And there are many who are forced to see their Ex because they have children who dearly wish they were in a position where they never had to see him again.

Harden your heart and harden your mind.

TheLastNameLeft · 25/04/2012 13:22

awww ((starting)) I was so pleased to see you posting again today, so sorry to read you are having a shit day, I think the type of weather we have can really influence our extremes of mood sometimes cant they Sad

anyway, hope you are having a duvt day with something crap on the telly

Original poster
Startingagain88 · 25/04/2012 13:36

News back on one of the contracts i was going for not a no but not a yes...a member of staff has left the team and their requirements have changed... they are interviewing more people but haven't said i that im not the one for them...so another thing where i'm being kept hanging...

Havent heard back from the other one yet either but it doesnt look good i went for the interview last Thrusday..... :( I didnt really want to go but i thought that i had to face it, even though i wasnt really ready, i was worried about rejection in my current state looks like my worst fears have come true!!

OP posts:
oldwomaninashoe · 25/04/2012 13:40

Starting, he can never be your friend ever, after the way he has treated you.
hopefully sometime in the future you will stop letting him affect you and will start to feel indifference towards him, thats when you will know that you have truly moved on.

But friends with him never, sorry he does not see you as a friend but a meal ticket.
Take care

Original poster
Startingagain88 · 25/04/2012 13:42

Roxy, i do understand what you are saying and accept that, its just so hard to switch off after 15 years......he was my best friend, my only friend.... he has hurt me so much sometimes i think i will never recover.

TLNL, the weather is certainly not helping! :(

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